Fall Together · 5:03pm May 1st, 2016
Hey, everyone. It’s been a little while, huh?
If anyone has been waiting to hear from me all this time, I’m sorry. I never intended to jump ship so suddenly. I know my last blog probably made it seem like a “drop everything and leave” sort of deal, but believe me when I say that it was a long time coming. It had been simmering for a while, but I ignored it and pretended everything was fine. Needless to say, that only made the problem progressively worse and worse until I sort of hit critical mass.
In the off chance that any of you remember who I was in the first place, hopefully this will clear things up once and for all. To be honest with you, I’ve drafted this post so many times that I’m sick and tired of thinking about it. I just want to get this out there and stop worrying, civility and eloquence be damned.
In a previous draft of this blog, I spent far too long explaining how I reached the position where I felt I needed to leave. I’ll spare you the gruesome details, but the moral of the story is that I grew to truly dislike myself and everything I wrote. I’ve deleted more stories than I could count on two hands. I’ve purged three times as many blogs as stories. I’ve alienated myself from everybody who, once upon a time, might have considered me a friend. The list goes on and on.
There is a lot more to the story than just that. If you want an actual explanation, long though it may be, I’d be happy to give one. For the time being, however, just know that it was painfully real. Heck, you probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you the number of times I considered deleting everything on this account and abandoning ship without a word. And after almost two years of that, I kind of hit rock bottom.
These last few months have been great. A lot of major stressors are behind me now, and the (first of several) finish line(s) is within sight. I’ll keep the specific details of my personal life to myself for all our sakes, but things have been unabashedly great. I’m graduating high school this June and my dream school offered me an amazing opportunity that, to be perfectly honest, I absolutely did not deserve. Even beyond that, all has been great with friends, family, work, and everything else. My ducks are all in a row, and if I keep working hard to get where I’m headed, things seem as though they’ll turn out far better than I could have ever imagined.
Distance from this account has definitely done me good, too. It’s given me a lot of perspective. This whole shebang feels so silly in hindsight. I mean, all this needless strife over MLP fanfiction? It felt—and still feels, in a way—so real, but the more I think about it, the more ridiculous it sounds. It can be awfully easy to take yourself too seriously sometimes, can’t it?
Don’t get me wrong—I still love ponies and, despite what you might think, I still love writing. My departure had nothing to do with our colorful little equines or anyone in the fandom, least of all anyone reading this post. It had everything to do with myself. It was a last-ditch attempt to escape the echo-chamber of self-deprecation I’d trapped myself in. I loved ponies and I loved writing; I just didn’t exactly love myself, as horribly clichéd as it sounds.
This isn’t me saying that everything is perfect now, though. That would be somewhat untruthful. Things are markedly better than they were, yes, but there are a lot of things I need to sort out still. Things that you all deserve to know, but that I’m not quite ready to share. I feel terrible keeping them to myself, but for the time being that’s what I need to do. Trust me when I say that I’ll let you all know what’s actually going on soon: I’m just not quite there yet.
I’m not sure what I intend to do in the meanwhile, but rest assured that I’m not going anywhere. I won’t be posting stories any time soon, and I know I won’t be spending as much time here as I used to, but I love this community too much to up and leave completely.
If anybody has actually read this far into this ridiculous blog… well, first and foremost, thank you. It means a lot that you care enough about me to waste your time reading this, especially since I’m just a stranger on the internet. I doubt anybody is reading this anyway, but in the off chance that you are, I genuinely appreciate it. If you want to talk, shoot me a PM. I’d love chat. Despite what it may seem, I really do like talking to people. I don’t think I’ll be logging back onto Skype for a some time still either, so it’s the best way to reach me if you want.
As for the people whom I left hanging with editing, group-admining, or anything else… I’m incredibly sorry. I know it’s not enough, but an apology is all I can give. I hope you understand why I had to leave, even if the whole thing is stupidly childish in retrospect.
Thanks again, everyone. For everything.
– Avox
I'll have to send you a PM later, I think. I have a reading I need to do immediately.
In any case, although I wasn't around to understand what exactly you refer to regarding the dramas and conflicts that have besieged you on here, I am glad to know that a lot of issues have resolved for you, that your priorities are also becoming clear to you, and that your educational prospects are looking good. Those are things people should genuinely feel good about.
I'm glad things are looking up for you, even somewhat, there's so much sadness and hate in the world that any happiness at all is wonderful.
Oh... *awkward laughter* I still have that other blog post open in a tab here on my tappy device... Opps, guess I don't need it now, glad your alright, glad your back with us, etc, etc but genuinely I do like seeing people come back, and your higher on that list of yay welcime back.
I know who you are.
Your editing is what got me anywhere on this site in the first place. Way back in the day when i found you in a follow group. You tore my story a new one and it went viral.
You're a friend, and that is what's up.
At least you're making attempts to be happy.
That's all that counts.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Went looking through my favorites list and was cleaning it up, dont remember how i ended up here but god does it hurt, never knew you but you still mean something somehow (ik its been 4 years since they've been on) and ik others reading this feel the same way, wherever you are i hope youre doing good and are happy
Found one of your stories back in junior high as a reading, just want you to know I loved it.