Writing How-to: Week 3 - The Revision · 8:55pm Apr 17th, 2016
Welcome to week three of this five week series. Revising is the topic of discussion for this week's post. You can visit the previous week by clicking here.
Before revising it should be noted that you should take a day or two off before returning to the draft. This will allow you to read your words with a fresh mind to keep your ideas flowing. When it comes to revising, you'll be changing entire sentences around and removing large quantities of text, along with adding new material. Remember, writing is not a race, it takes time to make quality.
A couple of things to remember while revising is to check the level of detail and to check the focus.
When checking the level of detail, you want to make sure you don't add too much or leave too little. The perfect balance isn't hard to come by through practice.
I'm going to take the first paragraph from the short story last week and expand and replace the level of detail.
Last Week - The door burst open with a shattering kaboom. The walls shook, and Celestia's cup rattled, spilling the tea she had just poured. The princess looked to see who had disturbed her afternoon break, surprised by the fact it happened to be her number one student. As she began to spoke to greet the young alicorn, Twilight rushed upon her, jumping onto the table. Her face trembled and shook, a blank stare coating the mares eyes, and her cheeks were puffed wide.
Revised - The door struck the wall as it was shoved open, and a short, loud slam shook the room. Celestia's cup of tea spilled from the sides as it rattled, splashing the saucer below. The princess looked to see who had disturbed her afternoon break. She opened her mouth to lash out at the interruption, but she stopped, immediately recognizing the purple alicorn who stood at the door. Before she could greet her close friend, Twilight rushed and jumped onto the table. The purple pony stared with vacant eyes, her cheeks were as puffy as balloons, the eerie sight gave Celestia the shivers.
Now, I'm going to break down the differences in each sentence.
The door struck the wall as it was shoved burst open, with a shattering kaboom and a short, loud slam shook the room.
A "shattering kaboom" is basic exposition. It tells the reader exactly what the noise was instead of describing what the noise was like. The noise was a slam that was short and loud. If you give basic exposition, then try having a character describe it and see if that works better, rather than the narration. This sentence also gives purpose to where the noise came from, as it struck the wall.
The walls shook, and Celestia's cup of tea spilled from the sides as it rattled, spilling the tea she had just poured splashing the saucer below.
I removed the information about the walls since they were described last sentence. Spilling the tea was moved to earlier in the sentence to account for what had happened as the cup rattled, while splashing the saucer was added to describe where it went after it spilled. The part "she had just poured" was removed because the reader did not need useless information diverting from the story.
The princess looked to see who had disturbed her afternoon break. She opened her mouth to lash out at the interruption, but she stopped, immediately recognizing the purple alicorn who stood at the door.
Notice how the entire sentence changed. A period was added, removing the comma after "break". This is because the follow up, "surprised by the fact it happened to be her number one student." was removed and changed into a totally new sentence. The new sentence gives the reader an idea of how Celestia felt about the slamming and sudden interrupting, but also a basic idea of how she feels upon the realization of who interrupted her.
As she began to spoke to Before she could greet the her young alicorn close friend, Twilight rushed upon her, and jumped onto the table.
The start of the sentence was shortened, as "greeting" is the same gist as "going to speak to". The "young alicorn" changed to "close friend" because it gives a reason for Celestia's halt to "lash out", as they are friends. The final part of the sentence was changed to better fit the new grammar.
The purple pony Her stared with vacant a blank stare coating the mares eyes, and her cheeks were as puffyed as balloons wide, the eerie sight gave Celestia the shivers.
This sentence offers a better description that the first draft failed to give. It describes her stare as vacant instead of blank and her cheeks as balloons instead of wide, as wide and blank were a little too vague for my taste. Finally, "the eerie sight" is exposition. The difference between "the eerie sight" and "shattering kaboom" is that "eerie sight" is describing a previous description, while "shattering kaboom" is the description. One cannot avoid exposition as a whole, but trying to figure out how to work it to benefit the story is what makes a writer great.
With this first paragraph you can tell where the focus comes from and goes to. It starts with the entrance, flowing to the disruption it caused, to the character that the disruption effected and their reaction, and then finally out to where it can be held in the next paragraph or dialog.
Keeping the focus alive can be difficult while also maintaining the balance of describing the scene. They work hand in hand when it comes to revising. I will revise the rest of the draft and use it for the example of editing next week.
~TheTimeSword
