The Story of My Inferiority Complex · 4:29am Mar 19th, 2016
I couldn't sleep. I needed to get this off my mind.
Earlier today, I went to a Twitch stream featuring some of the major members of the group The Good Hie List. Writers like Flammenwerfer, Anonpencil, and numerous others were on a Skype call just answering random questions and talking about whatever topic happened to come to mind.
And, as much as I wanted to enjoy this little piece of social interaction with fellow writers and fans, the longer I stayed, the more depressed I became. The reason for this was not just my old friend depression, but also my (usually controlled) inferiority complex.
Allow me to give you some personal history. When I was young, I was always pushed to be the best. I was supposed to be the best at whatever it was I did, and if I wasn't, then there were problems. Sports weren't for fun or for exercise, but to be the best. Academics weren't for the standard learning, I had to be above and beyond everyone.
This mindset was drilled into me by my father. Now, my father is good at a multitude of things. But one thing he never got the hang of what the whole "being a father" thing. It's the main reason I hesitate about having kids of my own. As many times as I say "I'll be a better dad than my dad was to me" I know that he and I think the same, and that I am basically an inferior clone of the man. And add on my penchant for failure, and it's not a pretty picture.
Anyway, this mindset that I was taught as a child gave me a superiority complex. I believed that I was not only better than anybody else, but that I was perfect. And that anything less than perfection was not allowed or wanted. Growing up, awards meant nothing, because I was supposed to win them. Straight A's in school weren't praised, because that was the expectation. Anything less, even on assignments or tests, would lead to a lecture.
This complex I had developed went unchallenged until my family moved when I was 12. In a new school and a new state, this complex of mine led to a lot of trouble, as I was already hated for being the "new kid", I was hated even further for being better than everyone else (at least that was the reasoning I came to at the time).
However, the constant bullying and mistreatment I received during these most-formative years kicked in my chemically-addled brain and led to the start of my history of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. In turn, my superiority complex did a 180-degree shift into an inferiority complex. Now, instead of thinking I was better than everyone, I believed I was worse than everyone, since only a truly worthless person would receive the treatment I got from my classmates and others on a regular basis.
It was at this point that I realized that I was never perfect. The fact was that I was never even good at anything.
Even in college, when I did find some things that I enjoyed and thought I was good at, time and again I would be reminded that I wasn't anything special. That I was interchangeable. That I was replaceable.
So that leads me to my current frame of mind and why I can't sleep. I like writing. I really do. But the fact is that I'm not very good at it. Which is a shame, since that means that I have no talent for anything at all.
What's the point of me writing when I can literally point to hundreds of people who are better at it than me? I have 220-some followers on this site and I have no idea why.
Frankly, I don't know what I should do. People keep telling me they can't wait to read the next chapter of this, or the continuation of that. But I don't know if I get anything out of it anymore. But I have to keep doing it, since this fandom is literally the only thing that keeps me from killing myself.
Is it so much to ask to want to be good at something? To not be completely inferior?
1) You ARE good at writing. Just because there are a lot of people out there who are also good at writing doesn't make you bad at writing. This isn't a competition. That's your complex talking.
2) Kinda hate to say it but I can point to plenty of fics on this very site that are worse than yours - and some are by those vaunted authors you say are so much better than you.
3) Speaking of said authors, most of them also think their writing is terrible. It's the curse of the creative types.
...Do you remember what Cadance said to Spike at the end of Equestria Games? It's kinda like that. Ultimately, we can't make you feel good - only you can do that. But keep in mind there are 220+ people out there who think your writing is terrific. If you can't trust you, trust us. You are the only one who can do what you do in the way that you do it.
Something strange I've learned from my mother - though it's true - is that you can feel happy when you decide to feel happy. That's it. There's no bigger secret to it. You don't have to be the best to feel good, and there are a lot of people out there who have tons of success but still feel miserable to the core. You can choose to be happy.
tl;dr: We're pulling for you. We care - don't give up on yourself.
3816596 Thank you for your kind words and insight. Part of my mental illness is that I know that I shouldn't think in the ways I outlined. I know that I am a good writer, because I have been told that by many people in the past. But sometimes I can only see negative things. The above was really a result of built-up negativity, and if I've learned anything it's that I need to express myself when these kind of emotions come up. Otherwise I fall further down the rabbit hole. I think I'm just one of those people who needs constant positive reinforcement and that's something I struggle with unless I'm publishing stuff on the regular. Like writing itself, psychotherapy and mental healing is a process. There are good days and bad days.
The bullying bit and all that: Someone made a picture once summarizing how things work, it had the one with the biggest brain being attacked and laughed at by the pea-sized brains. My own measure for doing right and success is when everyone turns on me. When everyone hates, despises and wants me dead... I know I am doing what is right and need to push harder.
You are whoever you WANT to be, you are not your father nor a clone less you embrace his faulty philosophy. What works for one will not work for another, it might smooth some bumps here and there but it will never help in the long run, only break them down as they attempt to hammer a square into a triangle slot, something has to break, in this case you. I had the luxury of being left alone mostly when it came to forming my own philosophy, moral and ethic, as such you need to figure out your own. Quit living someone else's philosophy and figure out your own. You are not inferior, you are you, so be you and quit being him, I drive idiots up the wall all the time because I refuse to be "them" or "fit into society" I am simply me.
Everyone has a number stamped on them, you have a SSC (Social Security Card) or whatever your country uses, you ARE a number and are HIGHLY replaceable, so replaceable that if you got squashed right now who in the world would care? Would it even slow things down or make someone else richer? The reason for this is simple: when the individual dies and becomes part of society or "the whole" they become a tiny cog in a machine, cogs are replaceable, an individual is not. From the sounds of things you are straddling the line between figuring out if you want to be a cog or an individual. A cog is most CERTAINLY inferior compared to an individual because it lacks a SELF, a SOUL. Figure that one out and you will be well on your way of fixing whatever it is you THINK is bothering you.
I read god only knows how many books growing up, you need to do the same, not technical or junk like that so you can get good grades, but books that make you think, make you examine your philosophy and moral code. This is critical if you want to be an individual.
Being pushed to be the best at whatever you do... Nothing wrong with that, till someone forgets to explain that at some point you WILL fail or someone else beats you. We all have what we are good at, some have NONE, most just one and fewer have a few things they are good at. Figure out whatever that is and if it pleases you (you not others) then do it, perfect it. Do not be the best damn shit scooper on planet earth just because someone says you need to be the best at everything, pick what you want and figure out the rest yourself.
Superiority complex, I have probably the biggest superiority complex around only because I am better than the idiots I see, they do not think, they are small minded, incapable of complex thought or critical thinking and when you confront them with it they regurgitate whatever they were told to by someone else as an excuse. Are you inferior? I have no idea, I do not know you. Fact remains that there is no such thing as equality when it comes to intelligence, being or soul, there are many grades. Are you superior to a mental retard? Absolutely, you are at least thinking thus far, superior to Einstein? That depends on the area. The problem that broke your back was you were told to be superior but never WHY. That just might kill you. So I will explain: be superior to those bastards and bitches who heckled you, be smarter than them, do better than them. Even if you are only ever going to be a garbage man to pay the bills or whatever it is you do, be their superior in mind and soul. Do not get caught up in the cogs game of "my job pays more" or bullshit like that, be a superior being in whatever way YOU want to be. If you try and grind yourself down to their narrow mindedness then the cogs life is your future. Do you WANT to be them? apparently not, so elevate yourself up and be superior and leave them behind and just keep expanding, have reasons WHY you are leaving them behind and why you hold them inferior to yourself. Once you do, you will see how small most are because they willingly sacrifice themselves to be cogs in someone else's machine. Just remember, the path of the individual and "enlightenment" is a rough and hellish road. Yes, aim to be the best, superior but KNOW WHY you are doing it, choose your own reasons and pursue them and QUIT COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS! Be superior because you are YOU not THEM. What the hell are you if you have no self value?
Someone remarked about "being happy because you want to be happy." What utter trollop. You need a reason to be happy, if I pinned a medal on your chest and said "congratulations! You are the world champion of the 100 meter dash!" Would you be happy? Hell no, it has no MEANING. You need MEANING to do something, only the walking dead do because of doing. Claiming to be happy because you "want" to be happy... You are only drugging yourself and if someone pops that bubble a 12 gauge slug or short rope with a long drop is where you will wind up. That bubble is too easily popped, it is an attempt to to slap a band-aid on a severed limb. Find out what makes you happy first, if you feel happy writing then write, if you feel happy in the garden then do gardening. Figure it out yourself, but find MEANING, claiming to be happy or not thinking about things got you into this mess because you were taught NOT to so start thinking.
In parting allow me to give you an example of why I am superior to the idiots I am fighting right now:
I am in an ongoing argument with two morons who think it is a good idea to have people today punished for what someone else did over 150 years ago. The justification is because someone owned a slave once upon a time and their great, great, great, great grandchild is alive and because they are alive and have blood relation to them they must have everything they own stripped of them. This is not a college course argument or anything like that mind you. They do not care that the person alive today had nothing to do with it but they claim that this will help stop the black-white divide in the US and that because I oppose this violently therefor I am the one causing the divide because I refuse to back down and allow someone to be mugged and probably injured (most certainly) or murdered (probably) because of blood relation or as they are attempting to push it: "bad blood." Despite the "bad blood" having existed only 150 years ago and they all died off long ago.
I am god almighty incarnate and bringer of holy truth and justice compared to these two yokles. I am so god damned superior to them I astonish myself at how high up I am compared to them because I refuse to allow anyone to be punished for something THEY NEVER DID less they built a time machine, traveled back and played a personal hand in it then jumped back again.
Build up your own philosophy and focus on your soul, do those two things and you will be better off.
3817217 I can only count on you to bring up long-winded points. Not that that's a bad thing. There's so much to go through I had to read it twice to make sure I didn't misunderstand you.
Trust me, I'm well aware that I am superior to many people when it comes to intelligence and the moral and ethical compasses. The current political environment here in the US has proven that to me over and over again.
I don't fit into the cogs of the machine because the machine wants nothing to do with me. I scare the machine. Hell, the university I went to had a political society called "The Machine" and they were afraid of me and people like me to the point of marginalization.
Like I said to the other guy, this was written in a fit of mental illness. I feel a lot better about the whole thing now.
3817274 You "may" have missed a point so allow me to reiterate: do NOT be a cog, be who YOU want to be, be yourself, do not even try to blend or mesh with them, strive to improve yourself. Be a person, an individual, a soul, never a machine.
Oh and "mental illness:" If you believe you have a mental illness then your full of shit, having a working brain and soul is not a mental illness.