Mykanuary: Liberty's Kids: The Past VS The Future · 4:51pm Jan 13th, 2016
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
And welcome to another day in MYKANUARY!
I know, I’m excited too. Last week, we reviewed a Digimon fic, sort of like we did a year ago. I kind of have a schedule that I try to stick to every time I have a Mykanuary. I start off with a Digimon fic, mostly because Davis and Kari is where his name comes from. The Dakaris as they call themselves who ship Davis and Kari. And just to clear the air, I don’t care who you ship where, I only care about who well you ship it. Or in this case, how you make it all Kari’s fault they didn’t end up together in the show.
The third week I usually do a Teen Titans review and the last week I usually review Starfleet Magic or whatever the hell it’s called. So, for those of you who want to see the next trainwreck in the Starfleet series, don’t worry, that’s coming later this month.
My second week of doing this is usually a wild card. Something that is not one of the big three shows that Mykan has a grudge against. Last year I reviewed a Corpse Bride fic, which was nothing more than Mykan’s attempt to get into the pants of a lifeless doll. I’m starting to get the feeling that all these fics are just him trying into a girl’s vagina.
Maybe a girl broke his heart and now he’s out for revenge.
Anyway, this week, we are going to look at a show on PBS called ‘Liberty’s Kids’. It was made in September 2002 and the show lasted less than a year, ending in April of 2003. If you’re not familiar with it, Liberty’s Kids is a show about a group of kids, who are reporters working for Benjamin Franklin, during the years of the American Revolutionary War.
Needless to say, I had actually never seen this show before. I had heard about it and I watched a couple episodes in preparation for this review, but I had never actually watched it beforehand. Mostly because I was in Junior High School when the show aired and wasn’t really interested. I was more interested in the internet and all the wonderful things I could discover with it.
So, naturally, I found a porn site.
Based on what I can tell from the show, it actually had some pretty accurate depictions of historical events, (For PBS, mind you) and even was nominated for two Daytime Emmy awards. The purpose of the show was to educate young people about the days during the war and the effect it had on the country.
For a show on PBS, it actually was pretty damn dark, with death being a common theme and at one point, execution was mentioned. So it’s more meant towards a slightly older audience than what normally gets put on PBS. The heavy handed educational bits notwithstanding.
The show even managed to get some celebrities to voice famous historical figures during that time period. Dustin Hoffman, Sylvester Stallone, Whoopi Goldberg, even Schwarzenegger makes an appearance as Baron von Steuben, a Persian/American military officer. By the way, if you want to see that because you think it’s funny and you love Arnold, look up the episode ‘Valley Forge’, he’s a riot!
And even use of the ‘N’ word… … yeah, that caught me off guard. Okay, yes, it was a different time period back when the story takes places, but it still was a tad shocking, especially for a PBS series.
So, I’ve seen a few episodes and what do I think… Well, it’s okay. It’s a PBS show, so you can’t really expect too much. The animation is choppy and sometimes the voice acting is pretty bad, but it's harmless and I know many Elementary school teachers and Junior High teachers use the show to teach kids about the Revolutionary War.
The story we’re going to be talking about today is a story called ‘Liberty’s Kids: The Past VS The Future’. Well, obviously, it’s going to be about the comparison between the kids from 1777 and the kids of 1860 with the differences that they go through to record the moments of American history.
I’m just kidding, it’s about a time traveler from the future who happens to be the father of one of the main characters.
In this story, *With the help of my voices* I shall play the role of a lost relitave to Sarah's father.
A relitave who has the power of the future on his side, which he uses to wreak havoic on Liberty!
Historical accuracy my ass!
Also, does he really think that the country was named ‘Liberty’?
The story starts with the brief history of each of the main character’s backstory, hence why I didn’t talk about them.
Why do something when you have Mykan to do it for you?
James Hiller was orphaned as a baby after his parents were killed in a fire, so Dr Franklin too poor little James right into his heart.
Raising him as if he were like his own child, and giving him a job as a journalist, for the newspaper of New-York.
Luckily James wasn't completely alone; he did have his friends Sarah and Henri by his side.
As we know, Dr. Franklin adopted James to keep women from wanting to bang him. Franklin was quite the player back in the day.
Sarah Philips was a British-girl, who came to New-York as Dr. Franklin's guest.
Like most British girls, she was a High-class lady with a very high class, yet stubborn personality.
She usually complained a lot about the way James used to act, even though it wasn't as if he had much of a choice
Well, of course. As we all know, America are filthy slobs. … Well some Americans anyway.
Turns out that Sarah’s mother and her father, move to the states from England after the war, which is mirrored in the show.
We also get a bit of backstory on Henri, a French orphan, who was eventually adopted by a French Marquis named Lafayette. And Moses, who parted the Red Sea.
Actually, in the show, Moses is an African-American former slave, who was pretty pissed off with the results of the Revolutionary War not abolishing slavery. In the show, Benjamin Franklin tells him that it would probably take another war to end slavery.
As well as 150+ years of prejudice before equal rights.
The cast, with the exception of Ben, stays at James and Sarah’s house for a meal. During the meal, Sarah finds a photo of her father and his twin brother, Mykan. Oh, I’m sorry… Paul. Paul was sent to marry a princess and to become the future king of England. Oh, so I was right. It is Mykan. My mistake.
However, Mykan refused to marry her, probably because he was already ruler of Japan and Unicornicopia, and thought England would just be too greedy.
Sarah’s father story is so sad because he has seen his brother in years, that everyone actually starts crying…
Everyone wiped their eyes with their spare napkins, for that was a very sad story.
Really? Everyone starts crying here? What the hell?
Look, maybe the father having some kind of emotional breakdown would make sense. I could understand that. But every single character?! Fuck, the kids probably saw more heartbreaking shit in the war, what with people being shot, stabbed and dying!
In fact, that’s a reoccurring trend I’ve noticed with Mykan’s stories. Whenever a sad story is told, no matter how sad it actually is or isn’t, everyone must cry. It happened in Davis & Kari’s wedding, it happened in the Teen Titans with Copycat, it happened with the Corpse Bride, and I might have been too drunk to remember, but I’m pretty sure it happened during Starfleet Magic!
Are all his characters robots? When they detect a sad scene, they have to act accordingly?
Everypony, my little sister just got ran over by a combine harvester.
That is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. Commencing sad face. Deploying tears.
Hello, everypony. It is my birthday.
Deploying jealously. Making mean facing to Pinkie Pie.
I just murdered the reviewer who keeps making fun of Mykan.
Commencing happiness. Yay.
We then cut to 200 years in the future where we see someone looking at the past through a television. Now it doesn’t exactly say it’s only 200 years in the future, but that’s the only text that says how much time has passed since the story ended, so I’m going to assume that.
Yes, apparently 200 years after the Revolutionary War, we have the ability to see things in the past. Turns out that technology lost to the invention of the internet.
“With my new found Knowledge of the future, I shall control the world, and do as I please, and nobody will be able to tell me what to again…”
“NOBODY...!”
“BAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH!!!
AH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH!!!”
(NEWS PAPER SCENE ZOOMS OUT WHILE HIS LAUGHING REVERBS OUT!!!)
Oh, go fuck yourself. See I can still tell you what to do.
Also, are you just telling us the scene transition in a fucking parenthesis?!
I have a feeling this is going to be a painful trip down our nation’s history… Let’s just hope it’s not the least bit insulting…
Sarah’s father, who I guess is named Samuel, makes a speech about the independence that he didn’t do shit for.
After the speech, Samuel and his wife, Elizabeth, make their way to a ball in their honor or something. When suddenly, Mykan appears on a glider and attacks the place.
He was standing on a weird looking machine that looked like a metal mechanical bird in mid air.
He wasn't even wearing actually proper clothing.
He was wearing, a blue tunic, a black-red cape, black gloves and boots, and a mask with the United-kingdom's crest on it.
First, he wanted to be Batman. And now he wants to be the Green Goblin. Make up your fucking mind. Though to be fair, I would be able to take this horrible dialogue more seriously if Willem Dafoe was saying it.
“Now… Here this! All of you!” His voice thundered. It actually seemed to sound louder than a normal voice would.
(Because he was talking into a megaphone)
“As of this moment, you will all do as I say, and hand over all your money and goods over to me at once!”
Also, I guess, his mask doesn’t have a interior microphone to enhance his voice. It just says ‘he was talking into a megaphone’. I can just imagine him holding up a megaphone, even though he has this superspace mask and his high tech glider.
Maybe that’s why he’s come back to the past, in the future all the superheroes beat him up and the other supervillains make fun of him.
“Defy me, and it shall be your peril, and to already proved that I am not bluffing!”
What do you mean ‘already proved’? You mean ‘already proven’?! All you did was burst through the roof! A tree that’s fallen over can do that! Why don’t we have guards with muskets to shoot your ass?!
Samuel stands up to the Green Goblin, something that the Goblin doesn’t take to kindly towards.
“It's revenge Samuel. Revenge for everything I struggled to obtain, but never reached it.”
“You on the other hand got everything you every wanted, because you were the favorite.”
For the last time, Celesto, Celestia is not just going show up to your down and magically want to suck your dick!
I would apologize for the confusion normally, but as we’ve already shown, his ‘characters’ are pretty interchangeable.
Suddenly, a dirt bomb crashed right into the man. Samuel looked around, and saw Sarah, James, and Moses.
I’m sorry... What the hell is a dirt bomb?
Is this another misspelling and he is actually trying to say ‘dirty bomb’? You mean a bomb that uses radiation as well as conventional explosives?! That ‘dirty bomb'?! If so, I don’t think radiation was to big of a thing in 1782!
Or did the other characters pick up a glob of dirt and threw it at him?! I don’t think dirt is going to cause an explosion! Especially the kind of explosion that the story is trying to describe!
Also, joining them in President George Washington, who is surprised at Willem’s armor.
The dust had cleared, and the man was still standing there. “I don't understand it.” said Washington. “There's not even a scratch on him.”
Well of course not, you idiot! You threw dirt at him!
“How very perceptive, Gorge Washington, Heh… heh… heh!”
I don’t know who the hell Gorge Washington is, but I know my history, and George Washington was the first President of the United States. Not that I voted for him, I personally voted for Abraham Lincoln.
Sir, Lincoln was not even born yet.
Shut up! I am the expert!
Gorge Washington asks what kind of machine is it that allows the man to fly and the man replies with only the most logical of time periods that could possibly have a glider!
“That machine… is from the year 1995!”
Yep, 1995! The year that JavaScript was first introduced! Which is what his glider runs on… Still needs to work out a few bugs…
Also, it was the year for Toy Story, Goldeneye, Braveheart, and … Batman Forever?
Well, that explains the transition from Bat to Goblin, but just wait until he sees Batman and Robin.
The Goblin then decides to tell us his origin while he has Peter tied up. Might as well, it’s what Stan Lee did. Turns out Mykan found a magical crystal ball that teleported him to the future and rather than freak out and be a symbol of hope and freedom, much like Captain America, (wow a lot of superhero reference in the non-superhero fan fic) but uses his intellect and knowledge of 1995 for criminal purposes.
“And I had brought with me a few samples of the future. I couldn't wait to show them to the world, but the glass showed me something else.”
“It showed me that these items were from the future, and only for the future.”
If the world were to discover them now before their proper time, the future can be badly alternated.”
Which is why I’m taking this highly advanced machine and a megaphone to 1782, which I’m sure will not cause any repercussions to the present in anyway! You are really fucking stupid!
“Correct… Heh… heh …heh! That was the General Idea. For I already am responsible for the deaths of many people.”
“Including… Tom Philips. My adopted, astringed son!”
Sarah's heart nearly skipped a beat, “You?” she cried “You killed my cousin Tom, Your own son?”
Mykan must have it really out for children who are adopted. Did his parents adopt a kid and they got more love than he did?! Is he adopted and he’s angry at the world because of that?! Or is this just Mykan needing a scapegoat, just like he does with Twilight and Cadance?!
Sarah’s mother, Elizabeth, is pretty pissed off that her nephew was killed by him, which makes this the only character in the story that cares about adopted children, thus, she is now my favorite character. Anyway, she attacks Willem Dafoe, but he ends up shooting her in the scuffle.
And thus the best character in the story is dead… A perfect metaphor.
“Relax; she's not dead; not yet anyway.” Said the man, “But there's no point in talking to her, she can't hear you.”
“Notice her motionless body? That's because I've just stolen her Biological-Energy.”
He held up a small flask holding green glowing liquid.
“As long as I hold this, Elizabeth will never awaken, and every second she remains in that state, she'll forget more and more.”
“Her family, her friends, everything she kept inside her mind and inside her heart, until she is completely drained out!
“Hah… hah… hah… hah… hah!”
I’m not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure that’s not what Biological-energy does.
No! No! No! No! Biological-energy has nothing to do with a person’s memories! Biological-energy, if you will, has to do with chemicals produced and consumed within a living being as well as the reactions that happen to take place during the course of such. More simply called a metabolism.
Or perhaps you were referring to metabolic capacities of organisms to convert some combination of light, biomass, organic compounds, gases and water into useful chemical-bond energy.?!Such as hydrogen, methane, ammonia, bioplastics, and alcohols?!
Either way, neither of those have to do with a person losing their memories! The science in this ‘historically accurate’ story is flawed! Good day, sir!
… … Wow… I think you broke Computer… Even I haven’t been able to do that… I’m not sure whether to be angry or confused…
Anyway, James goes to defend his mother in law, only for him to get his ass kicked. To which Sarah is perfectly okay with her mother dying as long as she continues to get some sweet James ass.
“WHY YOU TALLOW FACED BEAST!!!” screamed James standing up, “How dare you do that to my Mother-in-law.”
He flexed his fists, “Its go time, now put up your fits, tough guy!”
Then other man just kicked James hard in the gut.
“You Fool… Threaten me again, and you'll suffer the same fate as your Mother-in-law!”
“Please James!” sobbed Sarah, “Just let it go!”
Kind of funny how almost every episode in the show starts with Sarah writing a letter to her mother about the war and yet now, she could care less about her safety.
“We'll meet again Samuel, and next time, it shall be the last time!
Bah…hah…hah…hah…hah!”
The comparison to the Green Goblin is confirmed more and more.
“Father, do something, stop him. Don't let him escape!” cried Sarah, but Samuel didn't move an inch, and the man got away with Elizabeth's energy.
Wait, now you want someone to stop him from killing your mother?! Make up your damn mind!
They take Elizabeth to Benjamin Franklin’s print shop, instead of… you know… a fucking hospital! Not that the hospital from 1782 would be of much help, but at least the characters would act with some sense of logic.
They also find out that Samuel didn’t do anything because it turns out the big reveal that we’ve been building up is that the Goblin is Samuel’s brother! Which nobody was able to find out when he said that he killed his son… Sarah’s cousin… Elizabeth’s nephew… These characters really are idiots!
From up in his plane, Indeed it was Paul, he looked on a smaller TV-screen.
“Took you long enough to guess… Big Brother…!”
“Hah… hah… hah… hah… hah… hah!!!”
(NEWS PAPER SCENE ZOOMS OUT WHILE HIS LAUGHING REVERBS OUT!!!)
Wait, did it just do that again?!
Oh, wait, I finally get it… In the show, everytime they had to cut to a ‘commercial break’, it would show an old newspaper of images from the episode. He’s doing the exact same thing here in a fucking story that I read! It doesn’t need to have that in a fan fiction like this!
The next chapter shows the doctors doing their best to help Elizabeth, but they can’t seem to help her. Also, it seems that they understand exactly what happened to her and just kind of accepts it. Funny how accepting people are of future spacemen coming from 200 years from the future to attack them when less than 100 years ago they were ready to hang people for witchcraft.
The Doctor gulped hard and looked at James, Sarah, and Samuel, “There's no easy way to say this, so I shall be blunt.”
Sarah gripped James hand tightly, and Samuel wiped his brow.
“If you aren't able to bring Elizabeth's energy to her body with in -72 hours from now… she shall die.”
At that, Sarah fainted nearly dragging James down to the floor with her.
… … Just hit me with the shovel… I’m long overdue for it…
Jesus… fuck…
After Sarah came to, she was indeed in tears. Her poor mother was on her death-bed.
James felt even worse than she did. He already never knew his own mother, and now he was losing another one.
He’s really in pain? Does Mykan not know that this is NOT Sarah’s adoptive mother? But her birth mother?! Does he think women deserve the pain they go through? That their pain is less important than a man’s? Obviously he does! Why would I expect anything more?
Henri, who was mentioned earlier, arrives when he hears news of Elizabeth’s condition. Let me guess, he jumped in a plane and flew to America, because when I checked last, he lived in fucking France!
But I guess this is like with the Corpse Bride story where we can make up whatever the hell we want for the sake of the story. Screw historical accuracy. Though to be honest, I shouldn’t be surprised at this point.
Anyway, James makes this big speech about how they have to fight Mykan and that they won’t be bullied by him. Suddenly, the farmlands get attacked by the Goblin. And without knowing the location or anything like that, Samuel jumps to the conclusion that a character named Sybil lives.
If you know your history, he is of course talking about the famous Sybil Ludington, the female version of Paul Revere to make long story short. Basically, she performed the same ride to warn of the British’s arrival, just on a different night to warn a different group.
And speaking of history being buttfucked as I have, though it shouldn’t surprise you at this point, we can now add geography to the list of things Mykan doesn’t understand. The town that Sybil lived when the war ended, given the reports I found, was in Patterson, New York. And the place Elizabeth was taken to? Benjamin Franklin’s print house? It’s called the Pennsylvania Gazette. Wanna take a guess where that is located?
PENNSYLVANIA!
And just to avoid confusion, Patterson is several, several miles away from Pennsylvania. Almost 100 of them. The point I’m trying to make here is THIS DOESN’T FUCKING WORK, MYKAN!
And don’t give me this crap, about ‘It’s fan fiction, I can do what I want.’ No. This is history. This is stuff that has happened and has had pretty damn good proof that it did happen. While the characters of Sarah, James and Henri are most likely fictional, most of the characters in the show are not! You can’t just change something that drastic because you want it to go your way! And don’t say that ‘It’s because he’s changing the past and that’s changing things.’ He hasn’t even been there a fucking day! There isn’t even a chance for people to know about this guy this quickly! And even if there was, it would still take some time before Sybil could even get to the fucking state!
But, I’ve pretty much ranted on this point long enough, so let’s just try to get through this, while I still have brain cells in tact.
Sybil is captured by Mykan and taken to his secret headquarters where all the other women of major importance during this time period are locked away where they can’t ruin Mykan’s little world.
“Margaret” Molly Corbin… Abigail Addams… Deborah Samson… Elizabeth Freeman… Phyllis Whealthy… and even… Martha Washington.
Up on top of the cabin stood Paul Philips, raging mad as ever to his henchmen holding Sybil.
“Hurry up you Fool!” he bellowed. “Is the coast clear?” asked the guard.
“Yes, now move it!”
Ah, so the enforcers for the Green Goblin are actually the Enforcers. … Wow, I really need to stop the superhero references.
General Washington gathers an army of men since his wife was just kidnapped and attacks Mykan, shooting him. However, it is revealed that Mykan is wearing a bulletproof vest.
The other men fired there guns rapidly at him, but not a single shot even wounded him.
* * *
(BULLET PROOF VEST)
* * *
“Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah!”
Yep… He just interrupted the entire story just to tell us he was wearing a bulletproof vest from the future. Because apparently the target audience for this fic was a brain dead jellyfish.
They continue their attack but future man of the magic 8 ball is immune to their weapons. Gorge Washington asks what his demands are and Mykan proclaims them.
Write Cadance out of My Little Pony!
Um… What the hell is My Little Pony?
Just shut up and do as I say!
Oh certainly Mr. President Sir!” sniggered Paul, “You and your fellow American men may have your women back…”
“… but only…If you pay me One-hundred-Million Pounds in gold bars… and if you don't, then you'll never see these pretties again!”
Okay, I hate to keep going back to the history lesson and shit, so I’ll be brief, I know that the currency in Britain is pounds, but based on what I’ve read, America dollars were in circulation by this point. And honestly, I don’t think that there was that much gold in the 13 colonies. So, where would the gold come from? Maybe they’d have some gold, but not 100 million pounds worth!
Just for the sake of argument, let’s say that America has some amount of gold. According to the research I did, 100 million pounds would translate into 147.8 million dollars. Also, the American dollar went a lot further back then. If he really is asking for 147.8 million dollars, due to inflation, that would be like asking for 3 billion dollars today!
So, consider the fact that this country just started out of nowhere after a long and bloody war with a large government to gain their freedom… How in the fuck are they going to come up with 3 billion dollars worth of ransom?!
I mean, did the villain even do his research before thinking up this extremely evil plan? And if he has access to time travel, why couldn’t he steal a few coins from this era and then fly them to the future where they are much rarer and much more valuable?
What is the point of kidnapping all these women that played a part in the American Revolutionary War? I don’t mean for Mykan, the writer, I mean for Mykan, the character in the story. Why does he want revenge on George Washington or Deborah Samson or pretty much any other character besides his brother? We are literally given no context to anything outside of he’s just being a dick.
At least with his brother, he gave a reason. It was a weak ass reason, but at least he had a motive. This villain is attack people who didn’t do anything!
Ugh! Anyway, one of the girls, Abigail Adams, wife of John Adams, manages to get a message to our heroes about where they are being held. Want to know where? The Atlantic Ocean. The Ocean Floor.
Let’s pretend for a second that somehow the Green Goblin is getting help from fucking Aquaman, but how in the hell would she know where they are being held?! Last I checked, they don’t exactly have GPS on their fucking cell phones! Did the Goblin tell her she was going to be taken to the Atlantic Ocean when they kidnapped her?! And assuming that they did, I don’t know if you know this, but the Atlantic Ocean is a pretty fucking big place! Covering about 20% of the earth!
And the best they can go on is that they are at the bottom of the ocean!
The group … somehow manages to get ahold of Mykan’s mask as he flies away on his rocket boots. The group discovers that there are all sorts of mechanical doo dads in Mykan’s mask and they know exactly how to reconfigure them in order for it to work against him. I call bullcrap on this, but I’ve harped on almost every other line. My rant well is running a little dry.
After examining the mask closely, Samuel could tell it wasn't from the future, which meant, Paul made it himself.
I refer you to my last statement.
There’s some more bullcrap science and geography butchering that I’m going to spare you all because I’ve already ranted that Mykan doesn’t know shit about either, this review is already too long as it is and we’ve still got a ways to get through. To make a long story short, they find out that Mykan is about the halfway point between America and Great Britain, a trip which on a plane would take 8 hours to travel. Much longer by boat. Much, much longer by boat in 1782!
Point is, those women are going to be rotting corpses by the time they get there!
Anyway, the group agrees to the terms and give Mykan what he wants in a chest. Mykan gives them the location of the girls, but when the group investigates, they find that the girls are actually scarecrows that he replaced them with. Or maybe that’s just how he views women, I don’t know at this point.
But it turns out that Washington isn’t quite the nobleman the show calls him as he tricks Mykan, by filling the chest with rocks.
“I've been Tricked!” he grumbled, “Washington and his men are even big swindlers that I am!”
Then he turned to look at the screen which showed him the dungeons below, where the ladies were being held.
“… But then again, I still have the ladies! Now, Washington shall have to pay me double!”
(Skip to 5:05 if you want to get why I’m pissed. Or you could watch the whole thing. It’s more entertaining than this shit!)
Oh, my god… He actually ripped off the Spider-Man animated series from the 1960’s! … I’m one of probably four people reading this who would even know that! I don’t know whether I’m more sad for him or for me!
Okay, let’s put aside my pointless anger at a silly little reference. Instead, let’s see me rage at GEORGE WASHINGTON IS A FUCKING IDIOT! I mean, do you really think tricking the guy who has your wife will make him happy?! What was your big plan if you did get your wife back, he would feel bad and just give up and go home?
I mean, I get you not having the resources to gain the ridiculous ransom, but seriously?! This was your big plan?! What was your plan when he came back for you?! Throwing your powdered wig at him?!
Anyway, back at the headquarters of the worst supervillain since Polka Dot-Man, the ladies try to make their escape instead of being like good little statues for Mykan to admire. When one of the ladies has an independant thought, Mykan does what he always does. Whip her like an abusive spouse!
Sybil was shaking like a shivering Eskimo. “How do you like sharks?” he said.
Sybil stuttered “I've never tasted them before but…”
“I meant… swimming with them. For shall be your fate if you ever tell me what I can and cannot do again….DO YOU UNDERSTAND!!!”
“Y-y-yes” Cried Sybil. “See that you remember that!” growled Paul, as he headed back towards the stairs.
“You pathetic Little Urchins… all you ever do is believe in freedom and good will towards dreams come true.”
“Heh…heh…heh… Well I say those fantasies have given you each a false sense of reality!”
“Life is not at all meant to be fun!”
“Life is hard… and at times, Quite Cruel… One Wrong move and you can be CRUSHED!!!”
And then, of course, as is true Mykan fashion, Mykan tries to get you to feel sad for him by making him sing about his trouble. However, instead of the song Mykan wants to use, I will use the song that I hear instead.
Admit it, this song is so much more fitting!
The next night, Spider-Man arrives at the construction site and uses his web glue to keep Sandman from getting the money. Yes, I know that’s not what I’m reading, but if I cross my hooves and wish really hard, maybe one day my dream will come true and I’ll be an alicorn princess who isn’t reading this shit!
“This is the last straw. I'll have to go to my ultimate black-mail now. Heh… heh... heh… heh!”
… Ultimate Blackmail? Um… No offense, but why didn’t you start with that?!
While the villain is raving mad about not getting his money because of a little sticky oil- Yes, all his advanced technological wonders and his greatest enemy is glue- our heroes sneak aboard his submarine. Paul heads back to his base where our heroes split up to try and find where he’s keeping the hostages. However, Sandman decides to send his henchmen at the group. Thanks to super magical hyper technology from the future versus a musket, the heroes are swiftly defeated and captured.
It’s too bad none of the heroes used glue! They would have easily won!
And because things are not quite silly enough, Mykan reveals that he has a megaton bomb that he plans to detonate under the water to flood every city in the entire world. … I repeat… A megaton bomb… from 1917… is going to flood… every city… on Earth!
Behind Paul was an enormous (MEGATON BOMB) “I picked this up from 1917.”
“This explosive is so powerful that if I drop this giant bomb into the ocean and detonate it.”
“A massive Tidal-wave shall rise up and travel all the way around the globe, and every city on earth… will be washed away.”
I wish I could go into detail of why this is stupid, but I’m more focused on the fact that I think Mykan wants to grow up to be a Spider-Man villain. He’s certainly hammy enough.
And then, any humor in this scene is quickly covered by uncomfortableness when he mentions the Sumatra Earthquake which resulted in the death of 1300 people and that he wants to recreated it in this time period.
You see that was an image of a Tsunami-crisis in the year 2005, hundreds of hears from now.”
“However… my real Tidal-wave would be very similar to that. So Mr. President, what is your decision?”
Yeah… pretty sad that Mykan is willing to recreate conditions that caused the death of a lot of people, just because Beast Boy wouldn’t put her rhino in Terra’s crater. ‘Petty’ does not even begin to describe it.
Anyway, after that bit of awkwardness, our heroes awake only to find themselves dangling over a vat of man-eating sharks. I guess throwing them out into the ocean and watching them drown wouldn’t be good enough.
Mykan gets his brother to beg for his friends lives, but after doing so, gets told that Mykan will only allow one to live.
“As you can see, I only have nine sharks, but there are ten prisoners. Therefore, I shall free only one… of your choosing.”
Samuel's heart churned, “Only one?” he cried. “Only one!” snapped Paul.
“I can't spare them all now; my sharks need to be fed.”
He is turning into a Spider-Man villain! The only thing he hasn’t done that Green Goblin did was the ‘join me’ speech!
Just to be a dick, he starts lowering the others into the vat, putting a time limit on Samuel’s decision. The person we are supposed to feel sorry for, everyone! The guy who is willing to kill others for his petty revenge! How relatable!
However it turns out it was just a ploy to make Samuel want to kill himself and the people who were in danger were dummies. … I do not get it at all… My guess is to make Mykan more relatable by the end for his big redemption scene … which should be coming up right about…
“Look at me! I'm a British-mad-man who wants to bring to chaos to the world.”
“I've had bigger problems than an unwedded mother and her children. I should've died more times than a soldier in battle!”
“I have not seen my brother or the light of day in over 25 years, which is more than long enough to declare legally DEAD!”
Paul suddenly looked sad, “I can stop fighting.” He cried. “I fight, because I failed at life.”
“…and I failed at life because I didn't fight. It's a complicated problem that I have.”
Please, go ahead. Tell me more.
Finally, after telling his sob story, something snaps in Mykan and he decides to go with his death threat, laughing like fucking Kefka while he does.
He escapes and sends his minions to deal with the heroes. Fortunately, our heroes manage to fight them off. In the laziest fight scene in all of Mykan’s stories I’ve ever read.
The fight was on… Gun firing and the guards were losing to the Liberty's kid's army.
* * *
-America...America...
America, OH YEAH!
Were coming again to save the light of the day Yeah.
America, OH YEAH!
Freedom is the only way yeah.
-Terrorist your game is through
`Cuz' now you have to answer to,
America, OH YEAH!
-We'll kick your butt, and bash up your balls,
America, OH YEAH!
What you going to do when we come for you now,
-It's the dream that we all share;
It's the hope for tomorrow
OH YEAH!
Yeah… that’s the entire fight scene… YOU COULD HAVE PUT THE “C IS FOR COOKIE” SONG UP THERE AND IT WOULD HAVE MADE MORE OF A DIFFERENCE!
They manage to beat the henchmen and finally they go after the Goblin. After a very, very brief fight, that’s only slightly less embarrassing than the last one, they take the magic eight ball that he has and destroy it, rendering all his power useless.
However, it turns out that Mykan still has the essence of Elizabeth with him. He orders his underwater base to self-destruct, because like car crash that’s his answer for everything, and the heroes start to panic. Kefka throws the flask on the ground shattering it, dooming Elizabeth. And this thought just occured to me… What did he want Elizabeth’s energy for anyway? Was he going to clone her so she could fuck him? Anyway, what are our heroes going to do?
“Look there!” said James pointing at the timer. “Dr. Franklin told me about this. The whole base will explode once that timer runs out.”
I think I just wasted my entire supply of booze in that one sentence that was so stupid.
Anyway, the base rises to the surface and lifeboats magically appear for our heroes to make it out before it explodes. There’s some bullshit about Mykan being redeemed through the power of friendship or some such nonsense… Just read it…
Paul's eyes widened as Samuel went on.
“Paul, I have not forgotten the way Mother and Father mistreated you. It was because of me that you ended up like this.”
“I always believed that we would reunite one day, but never like this brother. Though we are different in some ways that changes nothing…”
“We are still brothers, we share the same blood and name… WE ARE FAMILY!!!”
Paul finally dropped his sword. “We… we are family?” he asked to himself. “Even after all that I've done?”
James and Sarah had over heard the whole thing while coming back to fetch them both.
Finally, Paul knew what he had to do. He raised a gun and fired a dart into Samuel's neck.
James and Sarah saw him hit the floor, but why would Paul tranquilize him like that?
The building was beginning to break up, and the emergency exits were sealing shut.
“SELF-DESTRUCT IN 60 seconds… and counting!!!”
“Hurry!” he said, “Take him and get to safety.” James nodded and picked up Samuel, and slipped under the doorway.
After Sarah had gotten outside, she saw that Paul had not followed them, she looked inside the window.
“Uncle Paul!!” she shouted, “Are you not coming with us?”
Paul shook his head, “For the first time in my life, I shall do the right thing!” he shouted back.
Look, Mykan didn’t give a shit about his own redemption scene, why the fuck should I?
The Green Goblin is impaled on his own glider, the Sandman is defeated with water, Kefka destroys this world because everyone in it is a drooling idiot for crying over the psychopath that tried to murder them and this story has a epilogue that answers no questions like how did the magic eight ball appear and what was it to being with? What happened to all the advance technology that was used during that time line and how did it change world history? Or why EVERY FUCKING IDIOT IN THIS FUCKING STORY IS CRYING OVER THE FUCKING TERRORIST THAT TRIED TO MURDER THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD?!
This story sucked!
The story is completely absurd with the most obnoxious stretch to justify putting it in some kind of series I’ve ever seen. Why the hell did this need to be a Liberty’s Kids story of all fucking things?
There’s really no interaction with the characters that are even remotely important. James, Henri and Sarah are all pretty much untouched by the end of it. Even Sarah’s mother is spared by the end, so what was the fucking point?
Oh, yeah, didn’t I mention that, it turns out that Mykan was pulling a prank on the heroes and destroyed a flask that had sea water in it and the only reason the heroes were able to save Sarah’s mother was because one of the character’s just happened to have stumbled across the real one.
How fucking convenient.
The only character he interacts with his the brother, Samuel, and I don’t remember ever seeing him in the show.
He doesn’t even do anything with George Washington except kidnap his wife. But he could have kidnapped any president’s wife, it would have made as much of a difference. Frankly, it makes less to have the story take place in 1782 since nothing that happens in the story is the slightest bit realistic in terms of people reacting to fancy space magic before the photograph was even invented.
Not that the Liberty’s Kids characters or the historical figures are that interesting anyway in this story, you could have replaced all their names with blank slots and it wouldn’t have changed anything.
The writing is by far the weakest and possibly the laziest I’ve seen in a Mykan story. A bad fight scene is exhausting, yes, but it is far preferable to just putting a song to where the fight should go, as if you are trying to protect our young, innocent, stupid minds from the array of violence that is about to take place. Or you just couldn’t be asked to conjure up an interesting or creative battle taking place. Be like if the final battle of Lord of the Rings was replaced with the intermission scene from Monty Python.
Is there anything good about this?
Actually, there kind of is…
Now, before all of you start looking up assassins for hire, let me explain. I don’t like this story. Far from it, but there is an interesting bit in the story that brought me a lot of joy. And which I should share with you all.
The main villain.
Surprisingly, the villain in this story was the best thing about this story, in that it’s merely bad. The villain is a bit bipolar switching from depressing, boring Mykan which made me want to slam my head against the keyboard until ‘asdfghjkl;’ was tattooed across my face. And the crazy villain who was so cartoonishly evil that it was kind of silly. And the latter is what I really enjoyed.
I imagine this is what Mykan thinks a Joker-like villain would act like. Someone just so batshit crazy, you can’t help but enjoy him because of how over-the-top he is. His plan makes no sense, he has no focus on what his end goal is, and really flops between being evil and being annoying.
I like this villain when he’s not trying to be Mykan. I like him when he’s trying to be just a batshit crazy villain, like he’s trying to out ham Skeletor. If this were a live movie, he’d be played by Tim Curry, with everyone else being played by cardboard boxes. That’s how much he steals the show.
It’s still bad, with all the things that Mykan typically has in his stories and complimenting it is like saying out of all the piles of dogshit that I’ve stuck my head in, this one has the least amount of diarrhea.
But, what I’m trying to pass like a really large kidney stone is a…
A recommendation. View it, just for the villain and pretty much nothing else.
It’s batshit crazy enough to enjoy it, even if the story soils itself by the end and what was adorably funny just ends up smelling horribly.
So, that was another week in the world of Mykanuary. I hope you enjoyed it and-
Sir, next week is your 100th review!
… It is? … Huh? I guess we ought to do something special for that…
Do not worry, sir. I have already got it planned out. I have found a story that fans have begged for since this Mykanuary began.
Oh, really? What’s that?
…
…
…
OH GOD!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
NEXT WEEK! THE CRITIQUE’S 100TH REVIEW! WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20TH! FOR ONE OF THE MOST INFAMOUS MYKAN STORIES OF ALL TIME!
Did you hear that? That's the sound of a million assholes clenching at once.
Well, Mykan's already screwed over numerous fictional universes; let's see how he can take a bite out of semi-American history, the Canadian bastard.
Poland will into space before Mykan into girl's pants.
The one episode I saw had Nathan Hale getting executed in the end. Not that it showed you this, but still.
Because that makes sense!
Well, now we can confirm that Mykan has Multiple Personality Disorder.
Also, he doesn't use spellcheck.
Also, he's a Torry bastard who should be lynched as a traitor to AMERICA!
Orphans are also chick magnets, so Franklin probably got to bang more than he already was.
The large redundancies here are massive.
Well, the British abolished slavery without having to shoot each other over it...
There's a mess of issues I can't easily explain, but still.
Because that's how British succession works... It would only qualify if she was Princess of Wales, because that's the first successor to the Crown. At the time, the Prince of Wales was George IV, who would act as regent during the later years of George III's reign (Not that the British Crown has any real power, with Parliament and all). After that, you have Frederick, Duke of York, and William IV to contend with before you get to Princess Charlotte, who was married King Frederick of Wurttemberg in 1797 and had no surviving children.
Mykan, would it kill you to read at least one book? Please?
Or maybe because someone with a brain realized that the dude had no right to be marrying nobility. Sarah's family may be high class, but that does not necessarily equal "nobility".
img.ifcdn.com/images/5980920c3adf6c7802b1d1f3f86f680c7f32ca6e7b70d3ae7e139f24afd6b4bd_1.jpg
It did, when
BlobfishLightning Dawn said how his parents died and he met Krysta. To Quote from my review of My Little Unicorn:For I've got twenty acres, and ye've got forty-three/
And I've got a brand new Combine Harvester/
I'll give you the key!
If that's true, is that where all the jetpacks went?
Logic: Because then the story would be over?
Fear me, Spawns of Chaos, for I am returning...
I thought it was a clump of dirt that kids throw around. Because throwing dirt is fun.
Just like that.
It's the COLUMBIA Gorge, thank you very little!
1066?
Gave me chills, that did...
Well, someone's upset.
Seems pretty obvious...
THANK YOU!
Intact is one word.
But not the dollars as we know them; those wouldn't show up until around the time of the Civil War.
Being that this is Mykan, I'm going to say... no.
If by made you mean stole, then yes, he made it.
Depends on where you're coming from. I did it in 5.
All I know of 60's Spider Man is memes... I'd say it's sad for Mykan.
I thought it was ten-Eyed Man, but Mykan works as well.
Yours works just as well.
What, you mean this?
Why is it the background of your computer?
...
...
...
No such bomb exists. The Tzar Bomb might come close, but not by much. You want to know how powerful your bomb would have to be to do that?
vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/1/15/Deathstar_negwt.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20150817065743
About this big.
YOU WOULD NEED SOMETHING AS STRONG AS THE FREAKING DEATH STAR TO CAUSE THE MASS FLOODING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR, DUMBASS!!!
Aaaaand we're done here. One thing writers should never do is make fun of or disrespect people that died like that.
You.
Did.
Not.
Yes, you did. You ruined the America song? That's like our second national anthem, and you ruined it.
Here's how it's supposed to sound:
YOU CANNOT SCREW THAT UP! IF YOU'RE GOING TO USE A SONG LIKE THIS, GO ALL THE WAY AND DON'T SENSOR IT LIKE THE FEEBLE BABY MAN THAT YOU ARE!!! YOU... JUST.... GAH!!!!
...
...
I think Mykan's one of the pussies from the "Dicks, Pussies, and Assholes" speech.
Now, for a good fight scene:
Well, that was painful. Still, villain was hammy, and that helped... a bit...
So, next week's something special... did you finally find a copy of End of Ends?
Liam Neeson's episode was the best. He plays a pirate, and it was awesome.
And as far as dark... this show did an episode about exactly what tar and feathering does to someone.
The Doctor's here too? He is everywhere.
Is it just me or is that not how that works? Am I missing something?
Not according to Mykan.
Don't worry, Scootaloo. I still love you. Even if you aren't an orphan in my headcanon.
Turn to 1:20 to get Mykan's reaction to Books.
Okay, I have a thing for overweight white men!
3684899 Depends on the Time Travel story. In this... he just doesn't care.
3684398
I didn't see that one. I'll have to look that up.
3693768 Seems to be how most of his stories work. Nice Avatar btw. Just noticed it.
3694442 Thanks. Getting rid of it when this month is over.
3694530 Are you counting the days or minutes til then? lol
3693774
I believe it was the third episode, United We Stand.
3694552 You know it.