The Lion... What, Exactly? · 6:34pm Jan 8th, 2016
For those of you with Netflix, if you're really motivated to watch some top-kek animation, I got a suggestion for you this weekend.
What's this? A new Lion King movie? Maybe a Lion King TV series? I guess you could say yes to both.
The movie on Netflix is known as The Lion Guard: Return of the Roar. This is the kickoff to a new TV series. The movie itself takes place between The Lion King 1 1/2 and The Lion King 2. The lion there at the front? That's Simba's son, Kion.
Wait, Simba has a son? Yes.
Wait, he wasn't mentioned in The Lion King 2? No, he was not.
Yep. This guy. So important we get a TV series about him, but so unimportant they never mentioned him before. Nice retcon, Disney.
So, for those who want to know the premise... Kion's honey badger friend gets captured by some hyenas by being a retarded faggot, so Kion roars at the hyenas, but the roar is, like, empowered by his deceased ancestors, so he gets a cutie mark and scares the hyenas and they let the honey badger go and the honey badger has a catchphrase of "zuka zama" that we hear around this point, then Simba hears the roar and tells Kion that Kion's destiny is to be the leader of the Lion Guard that Scar was a member of but Scar killed the other Lion Guard members and lost his roar for being evil, so Kion decides he's going to take his job seriously and immediately recruits the fuckin' honey badger as his teammate, then they run across Kiara on her way to practice gazelle stalking with a couple other lionesses except one of the lionesses has her claw stuck in a log because she was apparently sharpening it and then Timon and Pumbaa show up at the same time as Kion and the honey badger and knock the lioness with the stuck claw into a log where she freaks out about bugs and she's basically just a stereotypical girl going gazelle hunting and then the honey badger says "zuka zama" and they ask what he means and he sings a song about it.
Note the animation style. It's like they took the Lion King animation and tried to overlay it with CGI. It's easiest to see the CGI when their mouths move and when they turn their heads, in my experience. It looks ugly as sin to me.
So after the song, there's this uncomfortable silence where Kiara and her gang need to get back to gazelle hunting, Timon and Pumbaa need to get back to being lazy af, and Kion and the honey badger need to get back to their adventure--and there's no, "Catch ya later!" or anything that they can do. No, they're all such good friends that they can't do that. Instead, Pumbaa farts.
Yes, Pumbaa 
ing farts.
Now, naturally, everybody freaks out and runs off, except Timon and Pumbaa. Pumbaa then asks, "Is it something I said?"
Top-kek writers here, folks.
The rest of the movie is a blur of bad writing, so I'll just go over some highlights. Kion goes and finds some other animals that he thinks portray the best talents within the Pride Lands, then Simba comes up to Kion and tells him that only lions are allowed in the Lion Guard and that he should send them back to where they came from--yes, Simba is apparently a massive overblown racist. The hyenas that Kion roared at earlier apparently want to overhunt the Pride Lands so everything in it dies, so they go gazelle hunting. Kion gets a pep talk from Mufasa, then the hyenas attack the gazelle herd and the members of the Lion Guard beat the shit out of the hyenas. Then Kiara gets stuck behind a rock while the gazelle stampede Simba/Mufasa-style and the honey badger jumps up on the rock and literally farts a cloud of green gas and the gazelle are like "nope" and dodge around it.
You thought I was yankin' your chains, didn't you? Wouldn't it have been beautiful if Mufasa had saved Simba by farting a cloud of gas? Also, check out the beautiful eye derp at 1:34.
Also, notice that the cutie mark that Kion got when he found his roar:
is identical on all of his friends. They all have the same special talent. Starlight Glimmer wouldn't quite approve, but it's a start.
Movie is an hour and a half. If you're interested in seeing what happens when Disney pulls out the stops to shit on a franchise that has historically managed to stay pretty solid, definitely go watch The Lion Guard. The TV series premieres January 15th, and watching the lead-in movie is all but required at this point! We can only hope that they include more fart jokes in the premiere.
EDIT: Forgot to mention the ethnicities my roommates and I think Simba is discriminating against.
Kion is obviously the white guy. Only the Aryan lion race is fit to lead or be a member.
The cheetah is the easiest one. She's "the fastest." That means she's Kenyan.
The bird is Indian because he's great tech support.
The hippo is Samoan because he's big and strong and he's American, but not white.
The honey badger is Mexican. We honestly couldn't figure out why, but we are pretty damn certain that Simba would hate Mexicans, so it seemed convenient.
"This video is not available in your country"
I'm seeing this more often these days.
So... does that mean that there's going to be a Lion King 3? Also, I'm probably not going to waste the time to watch this movie. It sounds pretty bad.
3672753 Me too.
3672753
http://www.wikihow.com/Bypass-YouTube's-Regional-Filter
3672756
Yes. Yes it is.
Hence, why you should watch it.
I think that "cutiemark" is like the animal version of the armbands stating group status.
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i2.cdn.turner.com/cnnnext/dam/assets/120911081925-hitler-olympics-story-top.jpg
It's cool to be a part of a gang kids. However, remember not all gangs are for the improvement of the
or the state of things currently that exist.
3672846
I missed that parallel, but I can see the uncanny similarities.
I will say that, after watching this and even an episode of the show, I don't think the concept is bad. In fact, the concept has potential. For me, I have a deep personal love for the Lion King world and I love any opportunity to learn more about it, and if nothing else this show gives us a look into the world of the Lion King and even some of the politics that govern it.
The problem might be that this show is just for much younger audiences, which explains its appearance on Disney Junior and also explains its animation and art style, which is very similar to other child shows on Junior. It would also explain some of the...low brow humor and "poor" writing. It might just be that the writers think their audience too young to notice or care, which is a little disappointing.
3673145
Within the quagmire of atrocious writing and humor so stupid that I find it offensive to think children still subsist on fart jokes when I personally watch quite a number of childrens' cartoons as their episodes release, I will say that yes, a movie and TV show that tell a story about a boy and his multiracial friends protecting their home could be promising.
If the movie is what's supposed to get me interested, I'm not too enthused, though.
3673179 no argument here
At first I thought you were actually recommending this, and I was absolutely shocked that this was actually good, since Disney has had an horrible history with movie premiers followed by a series that is in a larger movie universe. Sofia the First and Star Wars: Rebels, in case you're wondering what I'm referring to.