Mykanuary: Should Life Be Cruel or Good? · 8:53pm Jan 6th, 2016
YES! YES! YES! OH, YES! I have been waiting an entire year for this month!
Computer, do we have booze?
Yes, sir. We have enough in the basement to shame the royal family.
Good, we’ll need it!
Your liver is going to be completely destroyed by the end of this month.
The price we pay for the greatest month in the history of reviewing.
MYKANUARY!
Ah, Dakari King Mykan! What is about you that makes me want to review your horrible pieces of shit?
Is it because your characters couldn’t be more flat if they were run over by a steamroller?
Is it because your plots more repetitive than the sun rising and setting each and every day?
Is it because you *SO* do not care what anyone thinks of you, that you will literally go to any lengths to offend what little people care about your writing in the first place by talking about things you are very unqualified to talk about?
Yes, yes and more yes!
Nothing like unwinding after a year of harsh reviewing by completely bashing on fics that no one expects to be good, and meets those expectations completely.
The first fic we’re going to review this month is a little story called Should Life be Cruel or Good?
I’ll let you guys contemplate on the stupidity of that title for a second. It’s Mykan trying to be philosophical, but the story completely forgets about that after three seconds.
But before we get into this fic, let me guess why some of you watched the show ‘Digimon’. You probably watched it for the deep, rich romance between certain characters. The way they interacted, showing affection for one another in the deepest and most loving of ways. The ups and downs of their relationship. The struggle. The heartbreak. Prices to be paid and sacrifices to be made for the one you love. That’s why you watched Digimon, right?
NO! Of course not! Nobody fucking did! We watched it to see giant monsters bat each other with sticks until one of them fell over!
If you aren’t familiar with it, Digimon is what I like to call the Anime version of Godzilla. A series which has giant monsters destroy cities together, and then beating each other to death. There was something cathartic about watching kids commanding forces of nature to destroy all they don’t like! Something of a fantasy of mine, really...
But that’s not the reason Mykan watched it. He watched it for an entirely different reason. To make a long story short for those of you who already know and to try to catch up everyone who doesn’t know, there is this twat named Davis, who in the show, for like seven minutes, had a crush on another twat named Kari. But it turns out that Kari might have possibly liked another twat named T.K. And Davis thought they were rivals and…
AHHHH! HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA!
Well, I say drama, but the characters bicker about it for three episodes and it’s never brought up again. Giving us no closure to this arc that has little to no impact on the plot whatsoever. To say Davis and Kari had chemistry, is like saying a baseball bat hitting a curveball is techincally a errotic sex scene.
Last year, I reviewed a story that claimed that Davis and Kari were like THE BEST COUPLE EVAR!!!111!!! NO, SERiousL!Y YOU GUyZ! :P
But all I got from it was how Mykan’s own wedding to Davis would have gone if Davis was an actual person. They way he sucks Davis off they might as well be a couple by this point. Or should I say, the way he sucks himself off.
See, Davis is just a name in these types of stories. You might as well replace the name Davis with Mykan. And we, in fact, will. Trust me, you won’t notice a fucking difference.
Our first chapter starts off with Mykan returning home from a busy day at the noodle factory where apparently his noodle got lost because he’s still expecting me to take this story seriously.
Be ready for more lame jokes, I’ve got a million of them!
37-year-old Davis Motomiya was returning home to his mansion from work. However, he didn't look very happy at all.
Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Motomiya, we couldn’t afford to buy you that seventh private island you wanted for your kid’s birthday. And they say I have first world problems!
His limousine pulled through the front gate, and Ikki the chauffer opens the door for his master.
Davis didn't reply, but gave Ikki his paycheck for the week, and walked inside the mansion.
Isn’t it funny how the chauffeur didn’t say anything and yet Mykan feels that he needed to reply there? Because we know the definition of certain words. Not to mention spelling apparently by the word ‘chauffeur’.
And Ikki? What kind of a name is that?
Oh… I guess Ikki is an actual name… Fine… I’ll let it slide this time…
A 4-year old greeted Davis by coming up to him, and hugging his legs. “Daddy your home!” said Musuko Motomiya.
Oh, now it explains the terrible spelling and grammar, this story was written by the main character’s four year old son!
Mykan asks how pre-school went for the kid, who I’m just calling Moe, and I would have harped on a four year old being in preschool, but according to the research I did, some pre-schools accept children as young as two years old. You know, if I have to let too many things slide, people will think I’m not taking this seriously!
Moe asks his father if something is wrong, but Mykan tells him he’s fine before going to bed early. Telling his servants to take care of his son while he rests. Because that’s what a great father would do with his children! Let the butler take care of him! That worked for Bruce Wayne. didn’t it?!
Before retiring for the night, one of the maids shows Mykan twelve letters that apparently came in one day for him. I’m going to take an educated guess that they are either from Kari, who is apparently so desperate for an answer from Mykan or has so little faith in the Japanese Postal Service that she has to send twelve of the fucking letters!
Or that is hate mail from me cleverly disguised as fan mail from Princess Cadance.
Doesn’t matter either way, he orders them burned and the fireplace cleaned up afterwards. The maid, of course agrees, fearing that she’ll be sent to the moon otherwise. After all, Mykan is the Tri-Horned Unicorn… Whoops. Sorry, wrong story. I sometimes get confused because Mykan wears so many different charactered hats!
As Mykan lies down for the night, he has a flashback about him becoming the Greatest Digi-destined and the most powerful Anti-brony that ever lived as well as the King of Noodles. While the noodles are good, that’s still not an impressive moniker.
Most of the Digidestined retired from Digimon fighting and Mykan opened his noodle cart to a successful business that encompassed the globe, earning him quite a bit of wealth.
It was because of his huge success, that the government of Japan had given him a huge promotion.
It’s funny how Mykan thinks this is how businesses work!
We end our flashback with this sentence that brings us back to the present.
But Davis still did not feel happy about his life…something was missing.
Of course, that’s what I was missing. A river dancing talent!
We then cut to … another flashback?
ANOTHER FLASHBACK…
While Davis was out on his noodle cart journeys, he had learned that his parents had been killed in an explosion in his old apartment.
Goddamnit, didn’t we just have a flashback not a sentence ago?!
Also, parent’s killed off screen? Really? At least, he’s keeping his parent death count high! I would have been extremely disappointed otherwise. Unless, this is just Mykan’s ploy to becoming Batman…
*Shivers* Never show that again!
This hurt him a lot, and to make matters worse, his sister June, had become a doctor, got married, and moved away.
Because she’s a woman and women should never be successful.
Shit… My least favorite part…
You are the one who made the joke.
My stupid… stupid mouth…
Davis had lost his family. His folks were dead, and he didn't know where his sister was at all, so he couldn't call or write…and neither could she.
Oh, no! It’s not like she could have left an address or a phone number to where she was moving to! And even if she did, it’s not like she couldn’t ever visit him. Cause as we all know, Mykan does not have enough money to buy her a fucking plane ticket to wherever she wants to go!
Why is this stupid in my story?!
By the way, thanks for telling us all this in a flashback! There was fucking nothing in this flashback that couldn’t have been told to us in the present day!
And then we get… yet another flashback?!
YET ANOTHER FLASHBACK…
Davis' Friends had all retired from their Digi destined lives and moved on with life…including `her'
I’m starting to think Mykan is purposely fucking with me!
By the way, you just told us a couple of paragraphs ago that the Digi-destined retired! Stop telling us things you just told us!
Mykan is sad because the only girl in the show he liked didn’t end up standing next to him in the photograph taken only a few days ago. No, seriously. I’m not even making that up.
But the very last time he ever saw her face-to-face, she brought her son Hajji , and had her picture taken with her son…by TK's side.
Davis knew he was sunk, he had seen evidence that made him believe that Kari was Married to TK, Davis walked away quietly…he was never seen by them again.
What the hell is wrong with you?! If I stand next to my neighbour’s dog when we have a neighbourhood photo, does that mean I’m technically having sex with the stupid mutt?! I’m not sure who’s sadder in this story, Mykan, for not even bothering to call and completely jumping to conclusions or me for not shoving this thing up my ass. It’d sure be a lot less painful than reading it.
Mykan, as is typical in his self-insert fanfiction, is cursed by being the most attractive man on earth. Women throwing themselves at him, begging him to take them as his own. And yet, Mykan wishes he would trade all the women in the world for the one he really loved. Well, if you don’t want your ‘curse’, Mykan, I think I’ve been the shittiest pony in all existence. I should get your women… I mean, your curse.
He explains how the boy isn’t really his, but is his adopted son, because I’m sure that’s canon and that is how the women stopped chasing him. Because the perfect buzzkill is for women is obviously children.
No wonder he was not happy with his life, Davis was a single father, to a child that was not biologically his own, and women were still chasing him.
What the hell do you mean ‘No wonder he was not happy’ bullshit?! Now, you’re just being fucking petty! Glad to see that adopting a child and giving them a chance at a life with a parent that they never had, since you mention that his parents died shortly after he was born did nothing to raise the level of quality of life in your pathetic little life! Get over Victor and Emily, the Corpse Bride, not get together at the end.
Oh, sorry, got confused as to which story I was reading. After a while, they all sort of mesh together.
Davis walked out to his bedroom balcony, and
Jumped?
looked out into the starry skies as the song started, and he began to sing.
He sings Nightmare Before Christmas before we get to the next chapter. The song just gives me an excuse not to read it, since the lyrics are just the lyrics of the original song with a few ‘find and replace’ words!
Chapter 2 begins similarly to how Chapter 1 did, except this time from Kari’s point of view.
36-year old Kari Kamiya was driving home. Unlike students, teachers have to stay after school and get some more work done, and not go home until seven.
Because when you read a Mykan story, expect the author to treat like you’re a fucking idiot.
Kari comes home to her son and, just like a good mother, actually spends time with her son, rather than whining and bitching about someone who just won’t get over Beast Boy and Terra, no matter how many years pass-
I’m just kidding, she sings a song about Mykan.
Also, apparently some of the adults have had their brains sucked out of their buttholes by whatever device Mykan uses to suck out the brains of all the canon characters, because they all start teasing Kari for being a single mother trying to raise her child.
Kari's neighbors would often tease her saying things like; “Hey there's that single sighted mom again”, or “Hey miss pink, why don't you add some blue”.
Not enough to just attack women with his misogynistic lifestyle, Mykan needs to please himself by attacking women who only want to provide for their children. Seriously, this is just cruel for the sake of being cruel! There is literally no context for this scene!
Is Kari a bad mother? Does she abandon her kid and not care about him?! Are the neighbour’s justified here?! Or are they just being dicks?!
In the eyes of Mykan, single mothers are apparently second rate parents, who can’t properly provide for their children and should feel bad about themselves. Funny, I know some single mothers with children, and they seem to do pretty fucking well! Women do not need men to be a good mother, you twat!
But of course, it’s all Kari’s fault that she’s never married with a son. Because it’s never a male’s fault in these types of stories.
Kari couldn't blame them; she had put herself in a very discomforting position in her life.
She walked up the steps, and into the house.
Because sexism!
We then get a flashback, oh good, I was starting to think this story would be about Kari and her son, about how TK is a stalking, perverted dick who should totally die with red hot coal stuffed down his throat while a shovel is pronged up his ass. His nipples in clamps that shock him every six seconds, with his eyeballs being pecked out by Biyomon and…
And Mykan just jerked off to that image.
So, how does Kari deal with this ‘scumbag’?
She lies to him by adopting a kid and claiming that she got married and started a family. …
…
…
Remember how I said that Mykan is a bigoted, misogynistic fanatic? Well, I’ll repeat it, in case it wasn’t clear! HE’S A BIGOTED, MISOGYNISTIC FANATIC!
I mean, wow, dude… Just wow… Is this how women solve their problems in your world? Adopt children, not out of love or a desire to truly want another human being in their lives to which they can bestow endless knowledge and love? Compassion and safety? But for selfish purposes?
Wow… I mean… Wow. I have seen some stupid in my day, but… Well, let’s just count the ways, shall we?
1: It’s an insult to women, but I think that goes without saying.
2: It’s an insult to Kari as a character, the character you claim to love so much, that you have to insert yourself into the story in order to get inside her pants. Why the hell would she do something so fucking heartless?
3: It’s an insult to the adopted child themselves. Just being used as a pawn for somebody else’s plan. For god’s sake, this is something Dr. Doom would come up with, not a fucking Digidestined who saved the world with her compassion.
4: It’s an insult to human relations, since how can you love someone you just see as a tool? Not to mention that Kari could have moved away or gotten some kind of restraining order against TK. I’ve done the homework, restraining orders can be made against him, if some evidence was brought before the police of stalking.
5: It’s an insult to society as a whole, because this is how Mykan thinks adults act. These character are supposed to be fucking 35 years old, but they act like they are fucking 17! “I like this girl” TK says. “I don’t like this boy,” Kari says “so I’m going to pretend that this boy and me are steady to keep him away from me!” It plays out more like a bad Twilight story than actual reality!
6: It’s an insult to every parent that has ever truly loved a child, be it their own or otherwise. Mykan does not care about being a parent. Not truly anyway. I think Mykan wants the idea of being a parent, but not the responsibilities that one must accept when taking on the role of parenthood. You see, the evidence is this story.
He uses his children to get what he wants, cares nothing for them, spends no time with them, establishes nothing with them, they are only there to show that he wants a family. He wants a family, but not actually have any responsibilities. He wants a trophy family. Something that looks nice on his wall, but something he doesn’t have to take care of or give any attention to. Just something to show off.
It’s similar to how he views women. He thinks women are just prizes to be displayed so that he can have street cred.
Wow. We’ve insulted women, fans of Kari’s character, children who were adopted, adults who are better than this, people who use common sense to solve their problems, and loving parents or guardians.
Let’s see how many more demographics we can insult while we’re at it!
Kari was going through exactly what Davis was going through now. She achieved her career goal, but her life was falling apart.
Un-loved, and un-wanted, and just like Davis, Kari was unhappy.
You know, unloved… Except for the fucking child that she adopted! Why does Mykan hate children?! Did one spit on his ‘I Love Celestia’ T-shirt and how he’s out for revenge?!
Oh, and just to add to the parent body count that we’ve had, Mykan also murders Kari’s parents in a car crash. Because crippling the poor father was apparently not enough. Want to guess how Kari’s father was crippled in the past story? Car crash!
I think that’s Mykan’s answer to every problem. Some guy you don’t like stealing your girl? Car crash! Need a certain character to walk a girl down the aisle and need the father out of the way? Car crash! Need to kill a girl so that her corpse and you can get married? Car crash! Got a reviewer who keeps nagging you?
Well, obviously, you’d want to discuss this like a gentlemen, talking about the difference in opinion-
Don’t care! Car crash!
Anyway, Kari continues to moop like Bella on depressants, when she turns on the T.V and sees an news report on Mykan.
The reporters all tried to ask Davis numerous questions, but to their surprise he just turned the camera off.
Wait… Did he just turn the reporter’s cameras off? So, now, Mykan has control of the media?! How far does this corruption expand?! Am I in Japan or in fucking Unicornacopia?! Because at this point, I can’t tell the fucking places apart!
So, Kari is sad because Mykan didn’t stand next to her at the photo they took, instead forcing herself to stand next to TK. But Kari writes him letters and leaves him at his locker at school, but Mykan doesn’t read them because they make him sad that he and her aren’t together and then the football team comes and beats the shit out of him, with me in the background laughing.
I may be remembering some of that wrong.
They, and by they, I mean, Kari and Mykan start singing about their loneliness and that’s the only thing I’ll give Mykan. The songs are at least reminding me that I could be doing something better with my time. Like anything else!
The next day, Mykan drives his son to school. I guess he drives his own fucking limo, because the butler got food poisoning or something, but whatever, we’ll roll with it. He gets a letter from Kari’s kid, and takes it, but doesn’t open it. And we get a hilarious line from the story.
“I am the President”, his father answered. “But Presidents have less freedom than anyone, and they don't have any fun either”. Davis picked up his brief case and was out the door.
Tell that to Clinton! He partied it up! Wow, that doesn’t make this review dated!
However, Kari sees Davis at the school and chases after him like something on the Benny Hill show.
The long black car began to pull out of the parking lot, but stopped a t a red light. Kari quickly got into her car, and began to follow the limo just as the light turned green.
The chase was on.
Kari got into her car and pulled out a machine gun. Aiming the sight down to Davis’s car, she held down the trigger. Bullets smashed into the back of the limo, punching at the glass. The glass held, but not without large cracks and impact marks. And bullets still flew.
Davis served down a busy street, narrowly avoiding three vehicles. Horns blared in his ears all around him. People screaming if he was crazy. He paid no attention to them. Turning the wheel to avoid another oncoming vehicle, he looked up to his rear view mirror to see Kari bursting past a garbage can at the side of the road, nearly hitting a civilian crossing the street.
The machine gun thundered in the air as the bullets whizzed past the car in a wild storm. “You will read my letters, dammit!” she screamed as she stuck her head out the window, her hair sticking straight out from every part of her scalp, like she had been electrocuted. Her eyes tiny specks of white surrounded by red hue.
Okay, I got a little carried away there, but admit it, that would be fucking awesome!
No, no… Instead, we get this…
Davis could see Kari's car right behind him, and so could Ikki. He also noticed that there were no other drivers at all.
Wait, so there are no other drivers on the road in the early morning where people need to get to work and take their children to school?! Or is this some lazy contrivance, so that Mykan doesn’t have to write other drivers in the story and how Davis gets around them?!
“Shall I hit her with the oil slick sir?” asked James.. Davis was one of the most famous men in the world, and he needed to be ready for anything.
Who the fuck do you think you are? James fucking Bond?!
And speaking of James Bond, why does your chauffeur suddenly have the name James? Oh, wait, I know why, Mykan is so awesome, that he made one of the most badass spies in all of fiction a fucking chauffeur!
Davis' limousine was armed with awesome defenses Including, Machine guns, Oil slick, Smoke screen, even rocket boosters…he rarely used those.
And by rarely used, he means this is never brought up again. Awesome as that would be!
Davis' features hardened; “You Dare Ikki!” he growled, “If You So Much as lay a finger on Her, I cut you instead of you pay check!”
Heh, it’s funny how Mykan thinks he can take Bond. Also, is your driver named Ikki or James?! Make up your mind and then stick to that!
Also, also, get used to Mykan being a psychotic dick, he gets much worse as the story goes on.
The chase is pretty stupid, since it skips anything that would potentially make it fun for anyone. I’ve pretty much shown you the entire scene that has any importance.
Mykan arrives at his plant where he knows that unless Kari is invited, she won’t be able to get past the front gate. And I’m sure this won’t cost her her job by abandoning her children, because she thought with her vagina.
Mykan tries to take his mind off his penis, when he decides to do the most logical thing...
He decided to do something to take his mind off Kari. “I think I'll donate my money to my favorite charities again”. He said.
Because that’s what all billionaires do!
Also, I love how the story tells us that Mykan donates to charity, instead of actually showing us any evidence of that. To be honest, I don’t buy it. No one that comes of as this much of a dick would ever donate to anything without a hidden agenda.
Now, I omitted this out of the review for effectiveness purposes. You see, remember how I mentioned the chase from earlier? How the story subtly mentioned a brief case? Well, here’s something I wanted to point out that happens during the chase. Mykan directly tells us this…
Now it was Davis' turn to look up in shock… “KARI…OH NO”, like lightning Davis got up and ran out the door so fast that he forgot his brief case. For he had dropped it when he bumped into Kari.
So, now you know that the briefcase in important and that he lost it there instead of right now, when he realized it.
Now, there may be a rule that says this is a perfectly fine way of storytelling, but as far as I’m concerned, this shocking moment that Mykan finds out his briefcase is gone is pretty much spoiled by this stupid line.
A subtle writer would have not mentioned the briefcase until Mykan found out it was missing. But as we’ve come to expect Mykan’s about as subtle as that brick wall I keep slamming my head against.
“MY BREIF CASE!” he shouted out loud. “I must've left it at the preschool…DAMN IT!”
Hey, that’s Jack Bauer’s thing! And I already made that joke!
Davis mainly stashed away in that brief case his check book, his paid bills, the blue prints of the building's design, and his money balances, but there was something else he kept in their that he did not want anyone else to see.
His collection of Playboy mags!
What could it be?
… Wait, does Mykan really not know what is in the briefcase? Is this going to be like Pulp Fiction where we never find out? Or is this Mykan calling us stupid again?
We then cut over to Kari with her returning to her school. She gets called into the office, with the most realistic portrayal of a principal I have ever seen in a story. And believe me, that’s quite a feat.
“MS . KAMIYA, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!” the principal shouted. Kari suddenly remembered that she had left her class unattended for an hour and a half. She was in big trouble now.
There’s no question mark in there, so I’m going to assume that the principal already knew where she was. Maybe she realizes every girl has a crush on Mykan in this world.
The superintendent and the principal goes on a rampage against Kari. Honestly, I have to show you this scene in it’s entirety. It’s pretty damn good…
Ms Kamiya,” said the superintendent. “Of all the teachers I have met, you are the strangest of them all”.
Kari's eyes cast downward, for this was not the first time she had been disrespectful to the school policy.
She had run off leaving her class unattended to, several times in the past, and yet she refused to reveal why she did.
It was because of her long lost feelings for Davis that was causing this to happen, but Kari couldn't tell the two gentlemen that. So instead, she just lied about it every time.
“WELL…” roared the superintendent, Kari remained silent. Inside her mind was telling her.
`Don't lie like this, tell them'
`No, I can't'
`Too bad, can't help you then'.
“Mr. Orikami.” Said the superintendent, “I expected you to hire a reliable teacher, and instead, you give me THIS!”
The principal stood up “But Sir, I…” “SILENCE!” Mr. Orikami sat back down, and the superintendent headed for the door.
“I was going to present you with the school of the year award, but now I'm going to be sick!” he slammed the door and was gone.
The principal stared Kari dead in the eyes. “There is no reduce of salary this time Ms. Kamiya, This is the end!” he said deeply as Kari nearly fell out of her seat.
“You are FIRED, Now Get off my property or I'm calling the police!” He stomped out of the office, and left poor Kari taking what was said so hard.
I’d like to think that the principal and the superintendent are both me, finally getting a role in a Mykan story. Truly a dream come true for me.
So, after the principal and the superintendent go off to have sex with each other, Kari is now out of a job. Which again, is the most realistic portrayal of a principal in any story I’ve reviewed! What does that say about me?!
Kari goes home and the briefcase that couldn’t possibly have her name on it because it’s Mykan’s, and he would obviously put his name on it, is sent back to Kari, because outside of being a dick, the principal is also an idiot!
Ms. Kamiya…
You forgot to take your brief case home when you left.
It just goes to show how ruthless you really are.
So take the case and go home.
Principal. Orikami
My mistake… He’s not a dick or an idiot… He’s a dickiot!
Kari fiddles through the briefcase, because why would somebody lock one of those, and finds out that it belongs to Mykan. She finds a video tape of that porn movie Mykan did, with Mimi from the first series. It’s called Togemon!
What?! It’s no worse that Mykan describing the space between Copycat’s hairy legs!
Turns out that the tape contains a flashback, where most of the character, Yolie, Ken, TK, Kari, and Mykan are all talking about the Valentine’s Day Prom night. Jesus, this really is a Saved by the Bell, isn’t it?
Oh, and don’t worry if you don’t know who Ken and Yolie are, neither does the story.
And I need you to see this scene, because there is an important question I have to bring to mind.
Kari: “I'm so excited TK”
TK: “Me too Kari, Me too”. Yolei and Ken walk into the room hand in hand.
Ken: “You guys going to the Valentines Day prom too?” Yolei TK and Kari giggle.
Yolei: “Of course they are, silly everyone from school is going”. Davis stops outside the door.
Davis: “Well…not quite everyone is going.” The others looked concerned about this.
Kari: “Davis…you're not going?” Davis slowly shakes his head his head
Davis: “Well…I don't have a date, and can't have fun without one. So why should I go to a prom?”
Who the fuck is filming this?!
Is it Cody? That kid that Mykan doesn’t even bother to mention?! Why would he be filming a discussion about the Valentine’s Day dance?! Or is this an invisible film crew that is doing this to get the scoop on Mykan’s noodle?
Also, I would normally harp on the text being something you’d read out of a script for a play, claiming that the author wasn’t trying anymore, but you have to start trying first.
There are three songs in this chapter, so most of it I get to skip, thank god.
Not that the lyrics are that interesting to listen to anyway. It’s mostly “KARI DOESN’T LOVE ME! LIFE IS PAIN! WAH! WAH WAH!”
Strangely enough, the video records Kari and TK singing their love song and then the film cuts to Mykan singing about how sad he is. That film crew just taped the exact things they needed to, didn’t they?!
The film then cuts to Yolie and Ken’s wedding, but instead of them, who are far more interesting and actually had some fucking chemistry in the show, we focus on what we’ve focused on the entire story, Mykan mooping.
All right teens make some room on the floor, these two are going give us their fist official dance as a couple.
Why did he say teens and not adults that could have possibly been there? Because, car crash!
The film ends with Mykan giving this big speech to the world about how people should love him and how he is in so much pain and that he’s more important than anyone else in the world. Sort of like he does in real life.
Davis; the Narrator: “Ken and Yolei tried to comfort me and suggested that I find other women to interact with.
But I never did. My heart belonged to Kari, and only Kari, and it still does If I can't be with her, then I would much rather be alone.
I always heard that `love hurts' but I had absolutely no idea that it could hurt you this much.
It was like missing dinner, having your home taken away, and your family died leaving you with nothing…all rolled into One. I tell you, I was one said little guy.
To make another story bad,
My son Musuko's real parents had died when he was born, and so I adopted him. As a result here I am.
I've been a single man for years, and I know that without Kari, I shall stay single for years to come.
But I still miss her a lot, and ever since my folks died, and my sister left me. I haven't felt the same ever since then.
It hurt me allot more when I retired from the digital World that I had to say goodbye to Veemon forever.
Sometimes, it's very difficult.
The only Digimon in this story and he’s just tossed out like a old tissue to clean up the blood from your nose, when you realize that’s your brain committing suicide!
Also, it’s very convenient how he taped himself confessing his feelings for Kari, in a tape with all this symbolism, otherwise, I wouldn’t have enough shit to call ‘bullshit’ on!
Kari, clearly some kind of sane rational person, does what any sane and rational person would do in a situation where you just saw the video tape of the Joker. Want to have sex with him!
Meanwhile back at Noodle Corp…
Give you three guesses what Mykan’s doing? Here’s a hint, it rhymes with groping.
“I can't believe it!” He thundered. “I just don't believe it! If my Briefcase is gone I, I'll…!”
“Daddy, Daddy calm down!” cried Musuko who had come from school. His father finally calmed down.
Davis had been so angry that his briefcase was gone, that he could barely think straight. He even fired three employees without with out realizing it.
Wow, the three year old is more of an adult than the actual adult. That’s pretty fucking sad. Also, apparently people love working for the guy who fires people on a fucking whim. Great job security there. No wonder the Japanese get attacked by giant monsters every other week when they let this guy be in charge.
Kari manages to get into the room to return Mykan’s briefcase to her, where Kari tries to make things right, but Mykan begins to act like a dick. Which I’m sure is okay is Mykan’s perverted messed up world.
The two young boys couldn't believe this. Their respective parents arguing with each other. Who was going to walk away with it all?
Davis spoke in a sad voice. “Why don't you just leave me alone Kari? Go back to your perfect husband and the great life you created”.
“But Davis I…”
“No!”
His voice was so loud; it made the papers on the desk slide off. “I've had enough off this chaos and madness!” he roared.
“This job cost me everything I had! My parents, my sister, Veemon, and worst of all it caused me to adopt a child!”
And if there was any doubt as to Mykan actually hating children, I think he just sealed the deal with that one line. Good job, Mykan. Everypony give him a round of applause for that absolute fail.
Thank you, Diamond Tiara… I mean… My young apprentice.
And now… the crowning achievement of stupidity. The final nail in the coffin to which any hope of this story flutters out the window forever, never to return in an icarus flight to the sun and burning down to earth to become a pile of ash.
Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves…
Davis winced at what he had just said, he told his son the truth. “Musuko, I didn't mean…”
“No, leave me alone!” cried his son running to Kari's side.
“Now you've done it Davis,” she snapped at him. Davis just regained his anger. “No Kari, look what you did!”
Kari looked up in shock; she had forgotten that in the end it was really she who had caused this misery for them both.
OH, FUCK YOU UP YOUR MOTHER FUCKING ASS WITH THE BIGGEST FUCKING RAKE I CAN FUCKING FIND! SO I CAN TWIST THE RAKE AROUND IN INSIDE YOUR BODY, MESSING UP YOUR ORGANS, TURNING YOUR BLACK HEART INTO FUCKING JELLY AND THEN SERVING IT TO FEED HUNGRY ORPHANS IN AFRICA! AND WHEN THEY SAY ‘Thank you, Mr. Critique,” I’LL SAY, “Don’t thank me kids, thank Mykan.” AND THEY’LL FINALLY BOW BEFORE YOU AS THEY FEAST ON YOUR FUCKING ENTRAILS!
… Sorry… Lost my cool there… but can you blame me?!
For god’s sake, Mykan, takes some fucking responsibility! Do you want to know why Spider-Man is my favorite hero? Despite the fact that some writers constantly fuck him up?! It’s because he accepts his part in what happened to his Uncle Ben! He may not have pulled the trigger, but he takes responsibility for his part. He doesn’t pawn his blame onto others like Mykan does.
Mykan blames Kari, for her and Davis not being together. He blames Terra for hurting Beast Boy and wanting a better life. He blames Princess Cadance because he is not married to a beautiful girl and has a life. This is what he has devolved into people. Someone who will blame fictional characters for their problems. It started with Kari and Davis and Mykan believed it was all Kari’s fault, not realizing or more likely not caring that people change.
It moved on to Terra and Beast Boy when Terra wanted something more. Again, not caring that again, people change!
And finally, it devolved into what it is now, Princess Cadance being raped and tortured by Mykan, because no woman has come up to his door in a wedding dress and said “Take me, I’m yours.” That doesn’t just happen, Mykan. Just like nobody is going to knock on your down and tell you “You are going to be the next Idina Menzel.”
Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot. I must have insulted you with a marvelous talent like her’s because ‘She’s a girl.’
You want something to happen. You make it happen. You work to accomplish it. You give yourself a chance and you do what it takes to make it as far as you can and do extra to get further. No one was going to write these reviews that I’ve done for nearly two years now. I made them happen. By picking out fics, reading them carefully, researching the subject material and then writing it. It was not just handed to me by someone who knocked on my door.
But … I’m pretty much wasting my time with this aren’t I? Just like your writing will never evolve or get better, you will never evolve or get better. So, continue to be petty in your own little world, I’ll continue to be petty in my own little world. Unfortunately for me, that world is reviewing piece of shit like this.
So, weighing up the pros and cons carefully about how much his life sucks and how much pain he is going through and how much his only loving son, who he does not love in the slightest thanks to Mykan’s insight, Mykan decides the only logical thing to do … would be to blow up his factory with his self-destruct button… Celestia, I wish I was making that up.
My mind is still made up, I'm blowing this dump...Right NOW!” growled Davis, he took out a key card from his pocket, walked over to his desk, and put it in a slot with a timer above it.
Red lights started to dance around the room, the alarm was going off, and a computerized voice cried out…
“Beginning self-destruction sequence”… and the Timer stared to countdown…they had 5 minutes, and counting.
What the fucking hell?! He has a self-destruct button on his factory?! Why?! Is he afraid that Lean Cuisine’s going to find out your secret to your noodles and why women like it so much?! For fuck’s sake, you do not own a government facility!
Wait… Of course! It all makes sense now! Mykan not only controls the media, he controls the government as well! So not only is the guy who’s only talent is selling noodles got more control of the politics of Japan then Shinzō Abe (Prime Minister of Japan at the time of review), but apparently, has fucking Megatron stored under his factory!
So, Mykan runs away and locks Kari and the 2 four year olds in the factory with him. Oh, good, because this doesn’t scream ‘Look at me, I’m ka-raaaaazaaaaay!’ And the boys seem to know what the hell is going on for being … you know… FOUR!
After Davis had exited the room, Koji was running around scared as a dog. “We've got to get out of here before this building explodes!” he cried.
He tried to reach for the elevator buttons. “It's no use son.” Cried Kari. “We can't use the elevators when the Self-destruct system is operating”.
Musuko looked up at her. “How do you know that Ms. Kamiya?” he asked, “There's no time to explain boys; we have to stop that system from blowing up”.
“I'll go smash the control panel,” said Koji, but Kari grabbed him in an instant, “Don't do it,” she snapped
Oh… Yeah… that’s right… I forgot. This is Mykan’s talent for ‘Unable to write characters unless they act like their teenagers.’
Kari tells the boys that the only way to save themselves is to stop Mykan from, you know, killing them!
Oh, look, he is trying to murder the ones he loves. How romantic.
While I appreciate the sarcasm, I’ve got it covered!
Kari says that if they don’t stop the self-destruct sequence that not only will the building explode, causing them to die, but will spread poisonous gas to the surrounding area, killing hundreds. Wait, what?
“That bomb is so perfectly placed, that the short circuiting of the wires would cause it to detonate. When and if it does, it'll blow the building into a million pieces, and spread poisonous gas over a large area”.
Okay, now this is just getting stupid. Does Mykan so not care about other people that he will poison thousands because ‘THAT GIRL DIDN’T GO TO THE PROM WITH ME! I’LL SHOW HER!’ For fuck’s sake, get yourself laid, man! You have enough money! Go to a whore house or something!
I mean, this is psychotic! And this is the man that Kari wants to be in her pants! This is the man she claims is good for her son! I can’t wait til I see the sequel, where Mykan ends up stuffing Kari in a bodybag because the waffles are a bit black around the edges!
And to add some much needed humor to this psychotic murderous rampage, here’s a scene of Mykan’s kids working super advanced technology that they learned from a Preschool teacher!
“Danger; Self-destruction sequence activated” cried the computer, they had 2 minutes, and counting.
Davis thinking he had won his escape, was running down the corridors of the 15th floor, and then…
WHAM!!!
He ran smack into an emergency doors that Musuko had put down in front of him, and fell on his back.
* * *
“Whoa, good shot Musuko” said Koji watching the screen “Ooh, Daddy fall down go boom!” mocked Musuko.
Well, I think Izzy just got mind fucked…
Fortunately, the kids continue to make light of their situation as they continue to joke about how much they are picking on Mykan…
Davis just used his keycard in the slot at the door; it opened up, allowing him to continue running.
While Kari's elevator had almost made it to the ground floor.
Davis was on the 5th floor, and was running down the stairs… “You hoo, Mr. Motomiya?” called Koji over the security camera. Davis looked up… “Now Musuko!”
Musuko pressed a blue button, and the staircase Davis was standing on pushed him upwards, back to the 10th floor.
“Don't you just hate me?” mocked his son.
Ha, ha, ha, ha! You’re all about to FREAKING DIE!!!!
Kari finally catches up to Mykan and stops him from blowing up the building by declaring him the winner, because that’s what it's all about, winning, kisses him to make him stop being a dick, which stops Mykan from being a dick.
Well, if that’s all that it takes… Pucker up, Mykan…
Mykan manages to get the keycard up to the top of the tower, in about 5 seconds and the building, I only wish I could say, fucking blew up.
But no, they stop the countdown and everything is right with the world, hoo-fucking-ray.
The kids instantly forgive Mr. Mykan for nearly killing the entire city, the city, of course, loves Mr. Mykan for saving the day, not even giving a thank you to Kari. Kari sucks on Mr. Mykan’s dick for the rest of their miserable, empty, pathetic lives, three classic songs get buttfucked, the Digidestined reunion takes place, with the exception of TK because who gives a shit, Mr. Mykan gives Kari her job back because why would anyone respect a woman and the hard work she fucking does, in return for Kari binding herself to the wall and never talking like a good little trophy, it segways into Kari and Mykan’s perfect wedding and another Mykan story ends.
THE END
(Well that's my story, I hope you liked it, before we go now, there is one more song left)
Fuck you, this story’s over.
Do I really have to go into much detail as to why this story sucks as much dicks as it does?
No, I really don’t. But I will anyway.
The characters are either stupid, psychotic, or both. With not one of them being relatable or even having any semblance of humanity in them. Making it hard to invest anything I have into them. And if the characters aren’t relatable, the story fails.
But what about the plot? The plot is about as cliched as a teenage high school drama. Which would be fine if the fucking plot took place in a fucking HIGH SCHOOL! But, no. Instead, the actors are all middle aged men and women who come back for a high school reunion and decided to act like the idiots they were in high school, just without the irony.
Not to mention the dark twist that it takes when the main character decides to go off and go on a killing spree. But he got better so that makes it alright. I guess.
But who cares about plot and characters? How well does it represent Digimon? It doesn’t. You could have changed it to any series really! Watch I’ll do it right now. This story was about Sword Art Online, with two characters named Kari and Davis. Two OC’s thought up by the author. Davis is the greatest Sword Art Online player ever and owns his own noodle factory. Kari was a girl who played with him on Sword Art Online and is a Preschool teacher. TK is the dick who tried to take the girl away.
Davis gets jealous and locks him and Kari in a tower that is about to explode unless she agrees to marry him.
You notice what was missing from that?
Sword Art Online!
It’s the same fucking thing with Digimon!
Digimon plays such a minor role in the story, you could be forgiven for thinking this is an episode of ‘Drake and Josh’.
But who cares about all that when you have the writing? Well, the writing’s shit. The most basic of grammar errors and spelling that would make the spell check weep in shame. The descriptions are basic at best, with many things not coming into play, like the super-limo-batmobile, or treating the reader like a moron.
But who cares about that writing when you have the ability to insult everyone who reads it? Well, for that Mykan gets a shiny big gold star, because it certainly is insulting. It insults men, women, children, Digimon and even space parasites.
Overall, wouldn’t recommend even if it was the last story in the universe and the only alternate form of entertainment was shooting your nuts off.
OK I must have missed something, because when did Mykan start hating on Cadance?
Yes, that's the part of this review I'm questioning.
Also that title is stupid. Life should be good you idiot. Unless you want your life suck so you can guilt people into showering you with sympathy while you whine about how miserable your life is. That way people would have to acknowledge your suffering and how much better you are than everyone else for having to deal with so much pain in your life. But that's something only a self-absorbed, needy, self-entitled asshole would do.
Why any of that?
Also, Hi, Spideremblembrony.
3669767 InvincibleIronBrony?! I haven't heard from you in a long time! How you doing, man?!
3670315 Not too bad. Got a new less stressful job and got back to work on the Marvel stories. How about you?
3669234
That about sums up every Mykan character every written.
As for why he started hating Cadence, it probably happened around season 2, because how dare she have a happy marriage.
Now, on to the review proper.
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And given our last experience with a Mykan Digimon fic, expect to see none of that.
So he's the Digimon equivalent of Jet, Trixie, and/or Gilda? Good to know.
Don't get anyone started...
Yeah, sure, and I'm Santa Claus.
Rinse and repeat for every one of Mykan's stories.
Yay, I needed something after a long day of travel.
I think I mentioned this in my comment on "My Brave Pony II: Electric Boogaloo". How did it go?
Ah, good times...
That Ikki would make this fic a whole lot more entertaining... however, I want Mykan to stay as far away from the Avatar franchise as possible, even if I'm not as fond of Korra as I used to be.
I'll add some theme music:
That lasted for all of about ten seconds before someone thought "Hey, why are we kowtowing to this loser?" and beat the crap out of him. Then he got bought out by Panda Express.
At least it would explain his word salad of a title.
Wow, I had no idea Japan became a totalitarian dictatorship again.
Mykan, I doubt you are reading this, or would even listen to me, but maybe next time you should take an economics class, maybe buy a few books and get over your phobia of reading. I mean, I bought books on medieval warfare and pastoral counseling to do research, and they've served me well so far.
His brain?
Fortunately, I'm so out of it from travelling around the world that I don't feel the effects of the concussion that bad transition gave me.
1. My sister became an engineer and moved away; you don't see me bitching and moaning about it.
B. REALLY WISH WE'D SEEN THIS!!! MAYBE THEN WE'D GET SOME ACTUAL CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!
The funny thing is... the sister has the right idea; get as far away from Bozo McSobstory so her sanity remains intact.
And there's not enough story in my stupid to balance it out... wait.
Yo dawg, I heard you like flashbacks...
Yet another recurring pattern we can add to Mykan's ever grown list of bad writer characteristics.
Seriously, learn to move on. So you didn't end up with that one girl; there are probably plenty of other ones out there that will do just as fine... not that I'm speaking from personal experience or anything.
In a distant land, Conan the Crimean is hanging his head in shame.
But didn't Mykan once say that every woman's ambition was to have a baby?
Do you know how many single fathers would kill for your luck?
Wow, I thought that story about Fluttershy becoming an infant again was the only story that had mental regression.
I've got $200 on the third answer.
...
...
...
...
...
Excuse me, I need to go to my happy place for a moment.
Okay, I'm better now.
GLaDOS: And for the record, you're also ugly.
Maybe Mykan predicted his death by car crash and is trying to kill as many minor characters as possible via car crash to satiate the Car Crash Gods... Wait, that's 40K.
He got his face punched in by Yang Xiao Long.
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She didn't like the noodles either.
I hear he's an avid Magic: The Gathering player. Don't believe me? His favorite card:
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And he got Jedi Mind-Tricked by a novice!
So, Kari's a vampire now?
Instead of just setting it up with my bank so a portion of my income goes directly to them.
WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU KEEPING THAT IN A LOCKED DRAWER OF YOUR DESK OR A SAFE?!?! YOU CAN'T JUST CARRY THAT AROUND IN EASILY STEALABLE BRIEFCASES!!!
The Piece of Resistance?
Yes, no I don't think Mykan is that clever, and yes.
Do not mention that abomination... unless he's getting the stuffing beaten out of him by a real superhero.
And that's why I want him to be the villain of one of my stories... he gets executed by fantasy Muslims for trying to impersonate God, among other things.
The little buggers had the right mind to get the hell out of dodge.
So, Godzilla is the ultimate Corporate Hatchetman?
'Kay. Toodles, loser!
If my fiancee was here right now, she would reach through the computer and rip Mykan's throat out. Unlike these brain-dead idiots, she actually wants to adopt kids out of the kindness of her heart, not because she wants to use it in some idiotic scheme.
To quote Ahnold: "EES BOOLSHEET! ALL OF EET!!!"
This is NOT your fault. Everything that has gone wrong with your life is because of one man, and that man is an immature, narcissistic asshole who thinks that women are weak, kids are annoying, and that the world is meant to serve him. And don't get me started on Davis...
Welp, this fic is now in one of my "Worst" lists. Not as bad as Legend of Skye or Queen Annalese, but still pretty darn bad.
And even that he manages to fail at.
Speaking from experience, of course...
... and THEN does Yang punch him in the face?
Well, that was fun. Let's not do that again, shall we?... Oh, who am I kidding? I'm going to enjoy this month.
Have more gifs of Yang punching people. Just imagine Mykan on the receiving end.
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3669234
Hated her since she got a happy ending and he didn't. Personally, and this is just a theory, he's actually in love with Cadance and hates the fact that he's in love with her. But that's only a theory.
3670418 I'm doing great, other than reading Mykanuary, but doing fine. Good to see your Marvel stuff again.
3671657 It's been kinda neat being back. I missed your angry reviews of bad stories.
You are?! THEN WHERE'S THAT PONY I ASKED FOR, SANTA?!
... ... This just made this whole review worth.
And the main six agree.
Good for your sister.
Wow... that one hurt, bro... That one hurt...
I'm going to have to charge you with murder... Because that killed me.
Wait, you're getting married?! Congrats, bro! I'll be sure to send you a virtual congrats!
Yeah, this is probably going in my Top 10.
I really need to start watching this show.
3674640
Yeah, sometime in June 2017. Gives us a little more time to plan
Will we see this list someday (I think I already asked you this once)? And if so, will Mykan take up a goodly chunk?
It's a pretty good show. The animation and voice acting's a bit wonky throughout season 1 and part of season 2, but it's improved since then, and the fight scenes are AMAZING.
3670440 Somebody needs to make real GIFs of Yang punching Mykan. There should be enough photos of him on the Net for that to be possible...
3716235 If someone does do that, I will love them as much as I can love someone I've never met face to face