I need help with Astral Prodigy's description · 9:23pm Nov 17th, 2015
Since ALL the review groups are FUCKING WORTHLESS AND HAVE NO REASON TO EXIST, I'm asking the fifteen five people who read my blogs if they could help me with the story description. I already worked on the new version and will continue on it accordingly since no fucking review group seems to understand this simple and benign function!
[youtube=7vepZqsKD00]
I made a story some time ago in hopes of it being like an episode of the show but noticed not many people were reading it or its sequel, so I asked a pre-reader/Editor to see what was wrong. The first thing he told me was that the description was stereotypical, so I changed it several times but he never answered to them, instead reading the original every single time. So, I ask you, potential helper, compared to the first one (in the link above) and the one I'm about to post, is the new one better?
"Luna has fallen into a deep coma* from which cannot be awoken no matter how many people come to her aid or whatever spells and medications are used. And her sister's knowledge of the dreamscape isn't as profound, preventing her from creating any real solutions, but she did discover, in her brieftrips into Luna's dreamscape, the words 'Enku, 'Astral Entity', 'Promise', and 'final wish', floating within. She does not know what they mean.
Forced to stand by her sister's side at all times, Celestia sends the mane six, being the only ones she feels she can trust in this delicate situation, towards a potential solution which lies deep below Canterlot in a newly discovered area that has yet to be explored, much to Twilight's certain excitement. While it isn't certain that a solution lay within, there is no harm in trying.
Time is not on their side as Luna's strength is directly linked to the night sky, and every second that passes sees it grow dimmer by a single, extinguishing light."
*I can't change this part. It's essential.
Funny thing? The part you can't change is one of the three things in that there description that makes me less likely to read the story.
The other two are the defeatist feeling throughout the summary, and the 'Time is not on their side' bit. I don't want to be stressed out and that reads like a horror movie script, or a dark one at that. It just screams at me that it's not my cup of tea. It's crazy, I tell you. Words saying they aren't a drinkable beverage. Ridiculous.
Do I have to have read the story first to throw my judgment in? Cause I'll be honest I haven't read this story.
3548765 No. It's just to point out what is wrong with the description.
3548754
Hmmm. How would you word that part, then? I need some form of suspense.
3548793 That's just it. I don't like suspense...or drama. I find it personally distasteful.
3548837 No, I meant something to entice a reader to look at the story.
3548844 Remove the words 'Enku' and 'Astral Entity'.
Remove the last line of the summary, it's a reveal that you don't need and is not a good thing to have.
3548929
Like this?
"Luna has fallen into a deep coma from which cannot be awoken no matter how many people come to her aid or whatever spells and medications are used. And her sister's knowledge of the dreamscape isn't as profound, preventing her from creating any real solutions, but she did discover, in her brieftrips into Luna's dreamscape, the words 'Promise', and 'final wish', floating within. She does not know what they mean.
Forced to stand by her sister's side at all times, Celestia sends the mane six, being the only ones she feels she can trust in this delicate situation, towards a potential solution which lies deep below Canterlot in a newly discovered area that has yet to be explored, much to Twilight's certain excitement. While it isn't certain that a solution lay within, there is no harm in trying."
3548941 It ends up on a hopeful spin and sets up a pace for a decent length story. Yes. There's probably something else, but I can't do a full analysis on just two paragraphs.
3548941 I like the sound of this one, (ignoring the typos) It's certainly piqued my interest to the story more than the original did.
Funnily enough, the "no harm in trying" line is what's drawing me the most for some reason.
One thing I'd point out is that it may be better to just mention the area being unexplored as opposed to newly discovered; just from a technical standpoint more than anything.
Just my 36 cents.
3550000
3550054
Thanks a lot. I'll put it in right now.