CCC: cleverpun's Critique Corner #11 — Bonafide · 4:57am Oct 30th, 2015
Today’s critique is another “retro” one. It is an adaptation of a comment I already made, on a story I have already read, rather than completely new material based on a recent read.
The original comment may be found over here.
Title: Bonafide
Author: Sharp Spark
Found via: Sharp Spark’s user page?
Short summary: Bon Bon has a happy life with Lyra Heartsrings. But then the real Bon Bon shows up. This causes some introspection, some relationship examination, and some feels.
Genre(s): Romance, Slice of Life (kinda), Fanon Reconciliation.
What does this story do well?: Normally I'm skeptical of stories that capitalize on/reference fandom memes (in this case the inconsistent characterization of background ponies and the LyraxBon Bon thing), but this one had a lot more depth to it than such stories usually do. I always say that a good reference should have enough context to work, even if the reader is completely unfamiliar with what is being referenced. This is a good display of that. The story is internally consistent, and offers reasonable explanations for its fanon, rather than just taking it for granted that the audience shares the same headcanon.
It also does a good job of presenting the "actually a changeling" scenario succinctly while still being believable. The “actually a changeling” sub-genre is so ubiquitous at this point, that it actually has its own sub-genres (I’m looking at you, Would It Matter If I Was?). This story doesn’t simply take the lazy way out, though. Yes, a character being secretly a changeling is the major plot point, but the subject is handled with realism. The trust issues, changeling’s perspective/motivations, and community ramifications are all addressed.
Finally, this story is a good example of something which is concise, but still handles its narrative with maturity and depth. Despite its short length, it never felt like the story was being rushed and the characters all felt authentic. There is an air of verisimilitude about the whole thing.
Where could this story improve?: There is some wonky sentence structure here and there. Most of the story is easy to read. Sometimes, however, there is an overly purple sentence that breaks the flow and is hard parse. Something like Her eyes flittered across the text and images of Lyra being interviewed, so overjoyed that she was unable to process more than one tiny flash at a time. It not only switches subjects, but also uses a very vague metaphor. Such sentences were uncommon, but they are noticeable.
This story starts each chapter with a flashback. These flashbacks serve as a major form of foreshadowing and they are eventually where The Reveal takes. The execution is decent, but it is also very slow. It is not until chapter three that their relevance became clear to me. They greatly slow down the story, and opening in flashback is a very risky move. I don’t think it paid off here. The story could have been structured differently to make the relevance of these flashbacks clearer, or at least to prevent them from frontloading the narrative with less engaging material.
Finally, there is the matter of the epilogue. The epilogue takes the subdued, mature mood of the rest of the story and barfs all over it. Whereas the rest of the story addresses its themes with maturity, the epilogue feels really vapid. Lyra feels appropriately betrayed during the main story, and "Bon Bon" agonizes over all the deception and lies she has to perpetuate. Yet the epilogue has everyone immediately accept “Bon Bon” with no questions asked. I suppose it addresses some plot points (what happened to the real Bon Bon and revealing “Bon Bon”'s nature to the town), but both of those were already addressed before (Bon Bon is struggling to find work and “Bon Bon” has all her paperwork in order). It feels tacked on. It feels like a Disney movie, where the villain receives some slapstick comeuppance at the end. Because the writers underestimated their audience and have no other way to say it. "Yeah this guy is bad. Don't be a jerk, or a random shark will bite your butt".
In a single sentence: A story that handles several cliches with maturity and tact, but loses it in the epilogue.
Verdict: Upvote. This story is a good example of both “less is more” and “more is less”. The main narrative is succinct, but mature. It portrays Bon Bon and Lyra’s relationship with maturity. It explores the ramifications of several fandom cliches with tact and verisimilitude. It does all this in less than ten thousand words.
The epilogue, however, is childish and pointlessly vindictive. Both in the plot points it delivers and the way the characters act. So long as one ignores the epilogue, this story is an easy recommendation.
