CCC: cleverpun's Critique Corner #5 — Painted Jack · 7:20pm Aug 3rd, 2015
Title: Painted Jack
Author: adcoon
Found via: The author had a different story featured, but it didn’t appeal to me. They also were interviewed by amacita, back when amacita still posted interviews.
Short summary: Applejack winds up in the hospital for plot reasons. While there, she decides to get a tattoo because she sees them in a magazine. Rarity objects, for reasons.
Genre: Slice of Life, Aesop Delivery(?), Import Fic
What does this story do well?: Importing elements of the human world into pony fic and then having ponies react to it is tricky. It requires naturalistic worldbuilding to slot into Equestria and be acceptable, but also needs to retain its alien nature in order to drive the plot. This story does a decent job of doing that. It explains away tattooing as “an ancient earth pony tradition” that was re-discovered via some remote tribes. The mechanics are a bit suspect (wouldn’t electrolytic hair removal make the tattoos look bad from certain angles?), but the idea works better than most Import Fics.
There’s also some nice ideas when it comes to Applejack’s and Rarity’s relationship. The story makes a point of how they are very different, but still respect each other. They’re considerably more mature than most fan portrayals, which is nice.
Where could this story improve?: The first problem is the awkward construction of many sentences. A lot of sentences have multiple subjects or are phrased confusingly. This is exacerbated by a consistent lack of commas.
The narration also constantly announces the character’s emotions and feelings in a very blunt way. Even worse, it doesn’t keep a consistent perspective, swapping between multiple characters, and giving them all the same tell-y treatment.
The characters are also extremely bland. Not only are their emotions delivered in a blunt way via narration, but their actions feel extremely contrived and poorly explained. Applejack decides to get a tattoo for some reason. Rarity is opposed to it for some reason. Twilight agrees with Applejack for some reason. Rarity agrees to draw Applejack’s tattoo regardless, for some reason. There is some attempt made to give Applejack her accent and Rarity her usual voice, but all the characters sound very similar. They feel like awkward caricatures. Their decisions feel mandated by plot, their motives are ill-defined, and their actions lack weight as a result.
Perhaps for the reasons above, the story completely lacks any conflict. A Slice of Life story should have a small scale, of course. Stories that lack conflict or an antagonist can work well. Here, the problem is more that the conflict seems tacked on and insincere. Rarity objects to Applejack getting a tattoo, but it is not clear why she objects and she capitulates quickly anyway. Applejack can’t figure out what to get a tattoo of, but that only makes her prompt desire for a tattoo seem more confusing. There’s nothing here to drive the story, and the token conflicts are solved before they even begin.
In a single sentence: A nice premise, but the story has far too many problems to recommend.
Verdict: Downvote. This story has an okay premise, but the execution is lacking. The plot is nonexistent, the characters are boring, and the narration is blunt. I don’t like to make assertions about authorial intent, but this feels like someone working through their feelings about tattoos. It’s more like a half-haunched advertisement than a story; it constantly touts the value of tattoos as self-expression, and has a strawman designed to make tattoos seem like a bad thing. The characters feel like they are parroting the opinions of others. The plot feels contrived. The story is not engaging or interesting.
