A request to look over a minor rewrite for the last chapter of : Dear Diary: Sunset Shimmer's Best Friend.

Off an on I've been improving Dear Diary: Sunset Shimmer's Best Friend for the purposes of getting it on EQD. It's close and I need to submit it to the pre-reader HOPEFULLY 1 last time. Everything else is good but I had to make some changes to the last chapter. Mostly minor edits but I also neede to play up Sunset's reactions in the 3rd person section and add something more memorable and impactful for the final paragraph. I think I finally got it and was wondering if someone who had read the story would be willing to give the last chapter a once over to make sure my changes don't any random errors in them and let me know if they like the ending.

I'd would be a huge help.

-Piquo

Comments

[Winston]

I'll do it. I may need a little while to give the rest of the story a quick re-look to refresh my memory and make sure nothing suddenly breaks continuity or tone, but I think I can help you out.

[xgfhj]

Ok...
Typos and errors in Dear Diary: Sunset Shimmer's Best Friend chapter 5
___1
Even now she was still to nervous to around to face her friends.
still too nervous to turn around
___2 (optional)
It was her mind, however, that kept raising nagging little points.
little doubts.
___3
grotesque, Rainbow Dashs would take the
Rainbow Dash
___4 (optional)
Even though it was already too late, it felt like there would be no turning back if she turned around.
no going back if she turned around. (or) no turning back if she actually faced them.
___5
She turned around and saw, to her relief, her friends their.
her friends there.
___6 (optional)
Fluttershy was the first friend Sunset noticed.
Fluttershy was the first one Sunset noticed.
___7
expressions of comfort and concern on her friends faces
friends' faces
___8
Sunset pulled the her friends the rest of the way into a hug
pulled her friends
___9
Sunset meet Fluttershy’s eyes and they shared a smile
Sunset met Fluttershy's
___10
Sunset nodded, as a small smile creeping onto her face.
with a small smile creeping onto her face. (or) as a small smile crept onto her face.
___11
And there not just any friends, their good friends.
And they aren't just any friends, they're good friends.
___12
Helk, I was the one to break them up in the first place.
Heck, (?)
___13
Add to that is the fact that they are encouraging me
Added to (or) Adding to (or) Add to that the --- they are the ones encouraging me
___14
I’d decided to volunteer to show some new students around
I've decided
___15
They’d be the first students whom I’d meet as the new me.
They'll --- I'll
___16
most beautiful moments I have ever been apart of.
been a part of.

[Winston]

Well, Sunset's reactions seem pretty well portrayed to me in the version that's there now. There's a lot of showing of her physical responses (blushes, smiles, hugs, etc.) so I don't think it's lacking in that area.

The last paragraph from Pinkie Pie is a good way to end the story by bringing in the perspective of another character, but I'm not completely sure about how much extra impact it brings as it is now. It's sort of a recap of what we've been seeing through the whole story rather than adding a new thought or synthesis. Pinkie Pie might not be the character to use for this, really, because while there can be great depth hidden in her words at times, they can also feel a little superficial by virtue of her personality.

[asylum1388]

I didn't catch anything that wasn't already pointed out.

[Piquo Pie]

3252631
Hmm. I was going for Pinkie using the diary as a means to thank the reader.

3252528
Thank you very much. I will make the changes tonight.

[Piquo Pie]

3252631
3252528

Updates implemented. Thank you very much. Hopefully in 2-3 weeks it will be on EQD.