Fanfic Reviews – Random Edition · 2:06am Jul 11th, 2015
Random fics! Not my favourite genre by any stretch of the imagination, but I will still read it on occasion. Have a fittingly weird compilation:
トワイライト・スパークル・シュッド・ハブ・ゴン・トゥー・ホグワーツ・インステッド
Who Rules?: What the…?
Tuna
National Geographic Presents: Big Princess Week
Take me to Tortilla Land
Under the Table
Ye Cannot Get Ye Flask
What If Socks Didn't Work Orally?
As a reminder, scores are on a 0~10 scale, with below 3 being where I say I dislike a fic, and above 8 where I can say I like it. It isn't meant to be a linear scale, and is solely related to my ultimate enjoyment of the story.
Sharp Spark – トワイライト・スパークル・シュッド・ハブ・ゴン・トゥー・ホグワーツ・インステッド – Random Comedy
Twilight-sama goes to ninja school.
Unapologetically silly, this fic lands multiple gags without ever tiring me out, while operating on a very particular, tortuous logic, rather than no logic at all. In many ways, it is just a collection of jokes around the vague framework of a story, so it will be hit or miss based on how much you like those. All the "nihon-go" is particularly noteworthy, since it works as a well crafted running gag that has a good pay off.
Why it should be read: If you want a random fic poking fun at anime tropes.
Stand out moment: Fluttershy being the ultimate Ninja.
7/10
Nom_deCheval – Who Rules?: What the…? (Reading by Luvlessi) – Random
Sombra and Discord are total bros together.
Reviewing random stories feels weird to me. My MO is to talk about characterization, or themes, what I felt reading the story, or maybe some quality of the writing. In short, pretty much things that tend to build a story. Random fics, by their very nature, seem determined to throw away such silly notions out of the window. So, when I get something like this, it's hard to find anything to say about it. I could mention that Discord's and Sombra's back and forth is entertaining, or that the running gag of Sombra only saying "Crystals" is well executed… But really? I was just confused. This even seems like a part of a verse that I never heard about. I am giving this a low score, but it is in no way reflective of the story's quality or lack thereof.
Why it should be read: ??????
Stand out moment: ?????
3/10
Admiral Biscuit – Tuna – Trollfic
Tirek and Luna go on a hot date.
I went into this one completely blind, given it's a crack ship, and a sequel to a story I never read. What I liked about it is that it is a very straightforward story where absurd things happen as if they were some sort of regular occurrence (like Tirek dating Luna), rather than being absurd from the get-go. As such, it manages to extract quite a bit of comedy from Luna's reaction to dating, or from Tirek's predicament, and was a pretty fun read. This won't change anyone's life, but then again, it doesn't care to.
Why it should be read: If you look at the ship and asks yourself, "What can be done with it?"
Stand out moment: The usage of Royal Canterlot Voice was spot-on.
6/10
Cold in Gardez – National Geographic Presents: Big Princess Week – Random Comedy
What if Equestrian royalty behaved like Savannah Cats?
Like I mentioned before, I like random fics that commit to a particular logic or style, and this is a success in that regard. CiG just nails that nature documentary style, and manages to work several jokes in without really breaking character. This keeps the absurd grounded, and in a way even more ridiculous for doing so. Adding insane commentary from the narrator only makes it better. The following excerpt is pretty indicative of the overall quality.
It’s been three weeks since we started following young Twilight, watching as she learned how to hunt at Celestia’s side. There were frustrating moments for the little alicorn and her mentor, but also triumphs. She is working her way up from field mice and flightless birds, to wild pigs, and finally to today’s challenge – a full-grown zebra, one of the most wily and dangerous beasts of prey an alicorn princess can tackle.
The sun is blazing over the Equestrian savannah. At noon, at the height of summer, barely anything stirs in the stifling heat. The sun is like a hammer here, blinding, lethal. The animals who call this harsh land home have all retreated to the shade.
All except one. Out of the dust emerges a female zebra. She is haggard and worn, her coat dusty and stained from days of flight. For the past week she has fled, starting from her home in the Everfree Forest, through the Whitetail Woods outside Ponyville, across streams and meadows, down forest trails, and finally here, to this parched land. Here, where her ancestors first came to worship the sun, is where she will escape – or die trying.
Behind her, trailing by a few hundred yards, are two sinister forms. Horned and winged, the alicorns slink through the tall grasses, their shoulders rolling in an easy, fluid gait that conserves energy for the chase. They are both worn as well, but the fear that haunted the zebra’s expression is nowhere to be seen on their faces. Instead, they are hungry.
Celestia, the taller one, seems to revel in the sunlight. She gleams like a star, like polished marble. The dust cannot touch her; it slides from her coat like oil, leaving her immaculate and perfect in its wake. Her chest heaves like a bellows, though, and drool leaks from her open jaws. Even she is close to overheating in the oven that is the Equestrian savannah.
Beside her, little Twilight lumbers along. She is dirty and ragged in comparison to her mentor, with a wild mane and feathers all askew. Her hooves weave, and every few steps she hurries to catch up with Celestia’s longer stride. She doesn’t look like she can take many more days of this.
This is Twilight’s first real test. If they can catch this zebra, it will feed the pack for weeks. If it gets away, they’ll go hungry, until they get back to the palace kitchen. The stakes could not be higher.
The zebra stumbles. She rests on her knees for a moment, panting, before slowly pushing herself back onto her hooves.
It is the sign the alicorns have been waiting for. They split apart and begin bounding through the grass toward their prey. The zebra spots the rising cloud of dust that follows them and breaks into a gallop.
Normally, an alicorn princess would have trouble catching a zebra in the open. But this zebra is exhausted, and these alicorns have an advantage – teamwork. While Celestia thunders across the grassland toward her prey, Twilight cuts away to the side, preparing to cut the zebra off as she turns. Celestia snaps her jaws just inches from the zebra’s flank.
Will this be it? Will Twilight get her first real kill?
My only real complaint is that for some reason unicorns are shown with the same habits. Not that having Rarity drag a buffalo into Blueblood's room isn't funny, but the same effect could be had with, say, Cadence and Shining Armor without the format break. Still, this is funny enough overall for me to ignore such things.
Why it should be read: If the excerpt above catches your eye.
Stand out moment: How the story grows steadily more unhinged, instead of going full-on crazy from the start.
8/10
firefeng – Take me to Tortilla Land (Reading by Present Perfect) – Trollfic
An edgy Guild Wars character appears in Tortilla Land.
I don't know if I should read this as a "take that" to SQUID in Equestria fics, an affectionate parody of Guild Wars, or something else even weirder. What I do know is that this is a fic that doesn't care about making sense, but is kept grounded by its absolutely ridiculous protagonist. I guess it isn't really that pony, since the smurfs seem much more important to the story, but hell, I laughed way too much to actually care. Curiously, there aren't that many individual gags here that made me laugh, it was more the spirit of the story as a whole which made this so much fun.
Why it should be read: If you want a healthy dose of insanity.
Stand out moment: Having a new overly serious human at the end was great, bringing the story full circle and making everything that came before even more ridiculous in hindsight.
8/10
Damien Darkside (Reading by Visualpony Thenarrator) – Under the Table – Clopfic (Mature)
Rainbow Dash x Anon.
Okay, this isn't tagged Random, but really? I don't know how you can have humans and ponies in this kind of context without being so, especially considering how twisted the characterizations end up being. This might be the most shameless story I ever read in my entire life. It knows it is a cheesy self-aware anon in clop-questria story, and doesn't shy away from that for a single second. The descriptions are ridiculous (even if it gets a tad repetitive by the end), the premise is as flimsy as possible, and the whole thing has Anon be an impossible superstar and obvious author self-insert, to the point of making a reference to one of his fics being on hiatus, but really? It doesn't pretend to be anything else, and is all the better for it.
Curiously, what I will remember the most of this story is its idea of what kind of work a human might actually do in Equestria. This Anon is a book ponifier, taking classics from the human world (from memory? It isn't that clear) and ponifying them. And you know what? That makes sense and is a neat concept. Looking at the rest of the author's fics he seems to really like this type of idea, and while I am not actually in the market for clop, I wouldn't mind seeing that aspect reused somewhere else or in another context.
Why it should be read: For an honest clopfic.
Stand out moment: How it uses a particular meme at a particular time.
6/10
Present Perfect – Ye Cannot Get Ye Flask – Character Study
Twilight fights against her instincts.
This fic, as well as the next one, belongs to the interesting category of non-comedic random fics. Instead of going for a ridiculous progression or abandoning all pretense of making sense, they make use of non-sequiturs to create some interesting character moments, working inside a strange logic to explore something new and interesting.
This one in particular is hard for me to review. In one hand, it has plenty of smart ideas, like using Twilight's lack of reaction as a point of character growth, or her particular thoughts on the duality between what we want, and what we need to do. There are also a bunch of interesting, well written passages, and it does quite a lot given its length.
However, I didn't actually enjoy reading it, and it is hard to say why. My best guess is that I don't think anything was actually accomplished here. It reads like a proto-story, or an aside of a larger fic, but is stopped short by not having anything else to tie it to – like, for instance, other situations in the episode.
Why it should be read: There are interesting ideas here, I just don't think they were properly explored.
Stand out moment:
When she got home, she would write "Erlenmare flasks are not beakers" on the chalkboard in her castle until her horn hurt. Nothing made her feel like she had some control over the world quite like repeating true statements in the face of ignorance.
5/10
Fiddlebottoms – What If Socks Didn't Work Orally? – GENRE
Twilight Sparkle forgot her meds...
Like the above, this uses Random in a serious way, and here is to highlight Twi's poor mental health, which leaves her almost completely unhinged from reality. It is dark in more ways than the obvious ones, and does a serviceable job at showing how she would react after a traumatic event. It is also pretty clever and sly, managing to imply a bunch of things without actually stating anything, or even making anything obvious. Even if one explanation seems particularly plausible, that she murdered the umbrella pony, others are still reasonable.
My only issue, and it is a big one, is that this fic feels extremely contrived, with much appearing or happening for the audience's sake. In particular, all the references to murder, and just how hard it's to believe that nobody would even stay with her, leaving her alone at the library. It gives all of Twilight's actions, whatever they may be, a sense of impossibility that I think detracted quite a bit from the fic.
Why it should be read: For how well it manages to make sense of the title.
Stand out moment: I like the Gryphon scene.
6/10
Oh man I get this all the time from people who hate clop, yet still read my story. "Oh man why did you ruin such a great premise with clop?"
It is hilarious to me that peopke get pissed off about that. Though good to see that you don't follow the same thoughts.
My clop is pretty much taking two completely normal beings who are normal and making them fuck. The thing that connects a lot of my readers to "themselves" (since I write 2nd person) is the fact that these are normal things apart from "handyman" that plagues Anon/2nd fics. Hell my next fic is starting off with "You are Jesus, except with less holy spirit, more carpentry and possibly not being Jesus as all.", because 'you' will be a carpenter.
You don't need romance or lovey dovey bullshit for sex.
I am obviously influenced by 4chan greentext threads. I love the greentext style and I pop it into my fics with how the characters talk or think.
I also like making my stories somewhat refrence eachother. Rarity with a choker is my favourite insert,and my next story is going to have that "awkwardly explain to Scootaloo" refrence.
I write for fun and those who read my stuff love it. Hell I totally popped a fucking Austin Powers refrence in my No Magic Required fic for giggles. THAT caused some drama llama.
Thanks for the review. 6/10 is totally reasonable for a straight up anal sex clopfic.
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(Psst: Pile of Japanese was written by Sharp Spark, who is definitely an author, but, y'know...)
The real irony is that the "serious" character at the end of Take Me To Tortilla Land was really just a caricature of the actual person. I work in a...decidedly not politically correct environment. One my coworkers' favorite on-the-spot games is called, "How Racist Is That?" Poor Ruben is the closest thing to Mexican Buddha that has ever existed. But, when he asked me to "take him to Tortilla Land"...?
His character is probably the most absurd out of the entire bunch, if you're in on the joke. And the entire thing was meant to be one big in-joke, if the overly explanatory story description was any indication.
Still, glad you all enjoyed it.
You didn't miss much. Lucky guess (given when it was written) about Twilight and pancakes, and snarky Spike. Pretty much everyone agreed that Tuna was better than Twirek.
Not the unlimited breadsticks at Olive Garden?
I wouldn't call "What If Socks Didn't Work Orally?" random. It has the tag, but I don't see anything random about it. I think "Alternate universe" would've been more appropriate. I think that by reviewing it as one, you're missing the story's reason for being, which is its sympathetic portrayal of the mind of a psychotic killer.
3228146 Never went to an Olive Garden, so that whole aspect went way over my head.
3244529
You're missing out. All the bland breadsticks you can eat. From personal experience, that's about 3