Some help would be appreciated... · 2:42pm May 7th, 2015
Hello, everyone. Now, as you know, A Small Breeze is doing substantially well for the short two days it's been out, but there's still some errors that the boffins over at EQD can still find.
I namely say this because I got this response from one of their fic pre-readers:
I didn't think you could fix up this story in only a day, and sure enough, there are still lots of mechanical and sentence flow issues in the first page alone. Please get some outside help with this if you're going to try revising it.
Sincerely,
Pre-reader 63.546
Now then, if you can find any of these mechanical and sentence flow errors, be sure to share them with me and teach me a few things about writing. It would go a great way to improving my writing, and quite possibly get this story put on Equestria Daily. Come on, I know that together, we can stamp out these errors and make this story adored by the fandom!
So yeah. Please leave me a comment and quote which sentences and areas need fixing, and I'll be sure to work more on them and make them acceptable for EQD. And as I've said before, it'll improve my writing and make my stories much better.
-Shadowmane
Here's a few I found in the first couple of paragraphs...
If the problem is across Equestria, then the map is unnecessary. The map is only useful if it's alerting her to a problem in a specific part of Equestria.
Should be "what".
Why the capital "A"?
This just seems clunky. Maybe try:
And even if the map did alert them to other problems, then what kind of problems would they be?
3052076 Thank you for letting me know. I shall get to work.
If you find any more, be sure to notify me.
I read the first chapter and left a comment on the story
3052253 If there's anything you can do for the second chapter, I'd appreciate that...
3052881
Didn't have time today, but I'll gladly do it tomorrow!
3052884 Whenever you're ready, Infinity...
3054828
But i'll check it when i get back from the gym
Heh, sorry, today was busier than expected