Writing With "Friends": Purple Prose · 3:09am May 7th, 2015

Yo, yo, yo, what up folks. So me and my good buddy of awesomeness were recently having a conversation about writing and whatnot, and decided, hey, why not do a radio show type of conversation filled with tons of humor and fun to hopefully get some education out to the masses... and stuff. So, without further ado, here's the first blog in all its glory!

"Hey there folks, and welcome to the first radio episode of Writing with ‘Friends!’ My name is Wordy Bard, but since my musical career went into the gutter just like all my hopes and dreams, just call me Bob! So in tonight's first ever show we're talking about purple prose! For all you colorblind viewers out there, that's the color at the end of the rainbow, and prose is a... uh... something. I think. Probably really boring. Just like my correspondent, a Mister... um... Marshal Twilight. Wow, that’s a shitty name. So, Marshy, how'd you get hired here? Sucked some dick, I presume?"

“Despite your less-than-subtle attempts to make that the case, I'm actually here because I got fired from my real job."

"Oh-ho-ho-frickin-ho. A reeeeeeal job! I bet you got a reeeeeeeal education too, and you have a reeeeeeal house, and reeeeeeal friends that aren't just crazy visions of when you sniff glue out of a paper bag. So, Mister Bigshot, what was your last job, and how'd you lose it?"

"I was an editor. Marshal Twilight was actually my pen name. My real name is Quilling Spree. Anyway, to answer your question, it seems that publishers and the police frown on editors who take their jobs seriously. By which I mean I stabbed someone in the eye with an ink pen for using passive voice too much."

"Wow, seriously? Lame. Stabbing him in the eye only leaves him with a grudge and reason for vengeance. Now, what you should've done is stab him in the neck. Not in the center, no, but on the side, near one of the major arteries. Then once he bleeds out you just--oh, it seems the producer is telling me if I explain to fillies how to get rid of a dead body I'll be fired. I mean, c'mon, that's a useful life skill!"

"Your life skills consist of how to escape from prison and hide the symptoms of long-term drug abuse. Now, keep in mind that since I get paid hourly, I don't particularly care how long this goes on, but shouldn't we be getting to the point?"

"Wait, you get paid hourly? Shit, I only got five dollars and a box of half-eaten stale donuts... oh, right, the point. Uh... wow, those cue cards are hella difficult to read. I think... pudding pears? Or could it be pear pudding? Mmmm, that actually sounds pretty good right now."

"This is why I get paid hourly and you don't. It's called ‘purple prose.’ Ugh, just saying it makes me sick, but it beats being homeless. Anyway, to put it simply, purple prose is what you call it when your writing looks like you loaded a shotgun with an obscene amount of adverbs and fancy words, aimed it at your story, and pulled the trigger. To put it more professionally, it’s when you dress up your writing and make it overly fluffy. Stuff like using ‘ocular orbs’ instead of ‘eyes’, or insisting on describing colors as ‘the shade of an aging dove’s feathers in the glint of the night’s rising moon’ or something like that. In a nutshell, this is a bad habit because it makes your writing annoyingly over-complicated.”

"Another thing to remember about purple prose. You're gonna get paper cuts all over your dick, because you're gonna be fucking your thesaurus raw. Like, seriously, you're gonna get some type of paper STD from all the dick-slapping you’ll be doing on those thesaurus pages."

"I suppose the metaphor isn’t wrong, even if it is disgusting. Going along with what Bob said, if you're going to insist on using purple prose, then you can't just have an affair with the thesaurus. You have to be in a polyamorous relationship with both it and the dictionary. Otherwise it’s going to turn out badly. The critics will eat you alive, and I’m going to be waiting under your bed."

"Ah, reminds me of my ex-wife... when she was alive, that is. Anyway, going on to what Mister Literally Worst Name I've Ever Heard just said, purple prose is what many in the literary world consider a 'dinosaur.' It used to be prevalent and ruled the world millions of years ago, or better yet, during the turn of the century, but then a traumatic event wiped nearly all of them out. This event is known as population literacy rates going over 90%. Since more ponies could read, all of them eventually realized purple prose sucked ass and eventually it was done away with for the most part for more traditional modern classics we know of today. Such as... uh... Playpony. The list of ingredients on the backs of shampoo bottles. And who can forget the warning labels for adverse side effects for medication? Because I sure did. A lot, actually."

“I suspect your mother forgot to read them as well. Some drugs were never meant for nursing mothers, folks. Something to remember.

In any case, purple prose is the result of a few writers who decided that ordinary pretentiousness just wouldn’t cut it. Instead, they had to be extremely pretentious by dressing up their language to try and look smarter. The actual result looked like the outcome of a particularly imaginative game of Scrabble. For some ungodly reason, everyone else saw that and thought it was a good idea. And it just went downhill from there. Needless to say, this is a literary cancer and it needs to die. Fortunately, as Bob mentioned, that trend does seem to be dying off these days.”

"Ah, but like your chances of procreating, it's not dying off fast enough! Some authors are being revered, neigh, applauded for literary masterpieces that just turn out to be purple prose using fancy words they have no idea how to actually use that hides beneath the surface of intelligence only to betray the shallow depths of stupidity and pretentiousness. Heck, I bet Quillie here knows all about it, being the editor and violent attacker that he is."

“You’re lucky that Security disarmed me before letting me into the building, otherwise I’d peel the skin off your neck for talking purple at me. However, Bob raises a good point in that some authors tend to get applauded for writing in purple prose because it suggests a certain depth to the work, when in reality all it does is make it harder to read without actually adding anything of value. Here’s an example:

"The disemboweled mercenary crumpled from his saddle and sank to the clouded sward, sprinkling the parched dust with crimson droplets of escaping life fluid."

I swear to God if that had ever crossed my desk back when I had a real job, I would have fucking—”

"Killed yourself? Jumped off the building and do a flip? Realize your life has no meaning and purpose and that everything up to this point had just been you meandering through the years as a desolate soul without accommodations to a homely abode and now that you're spiraling through the bleak whirlpool of depression to only drown at the cruel mercy of misery where you never found any relation to your outside surroundings so as to find redemption in a world that had turned its back on your pathetic yet lacking of pity plight?"

Sound of chair falling over, followed by shouting and sounds of choking. Muffled sounds of a brawl until Security shows up and restrains Quilling Spree.

"Okay, kiddies, we're back after that, uh, interruption. Even though you can’t see this, the reason for my neck brace and Quillie's black eye are totally not related to the break. Anyway, Quill, you were going on about how meaningless your life is? Do you need me to reiterate what I had just said, or should I go onto a new spiel?"

“Your complete lack of a self-preservation instinct shows that even your own subconscious wants you to drop dead. I’d oblige, but since I’m tied to my chair I can’t. Moving on, I’m going to at least try to be open-minded here. We’ve shown a bad example of purple prose. Can you think of any good ones?”

"Uh... um... how about instead of saying something along the lines of, oh, I'll just use a famous example here: 'Twilight Sparkle literally cannot stop sucking dick.' Instead let's switch it up with: 'The royal lavender unicorn adored the act of perversely pleasuring her eat-ducting by inserting a plentitude of semen-coated male genitalia in her oral cavern.' How's that for positive purple prose?"

“So you’re telling me there’s never a good use of purple prose? Not a single one? Because that’s what I’m getting right now.”

"Wow, way to stay positive. C'mon, man, you're purple! And I think prose is another form of calling somepony gay, right? That's gotta synch up somehow to make it less loathsome."

“That sounds vaguely racist. And stupid. But at this point I’m pretty convinced that there really isn’t a good example. Let me tell you all a story. Once, back when I was a more tolerant person than I am now, I was chatting with another writer about style. He was saying that my prose lacked ‘oomph’, as he put it, and another word he used was ‘boring’.

You know what that sounds like to me? That makes it sound like he’s more concerned with making his writing fancy than he is with telling a proper story. Literature isn’t a way for you to show off your vocabulary. You’re meant to be telling a story, and you’re supposed to do that as immersively and efficiently as you can. When the reader has to stop and figure out what you’re trying to convey, it hinders their ability to actually get into the story.”

"Bah, readers are stupid. Like any author in their right mind cares about them. It's all about the money, baby. The mullah. The big bucks, and I ain't talkin bout deer. If you can shove as much overly complicated vocabulary and metaphors that haven't made sense this century or the one beforehand, who cares? If it gets you literary acclaim by a buncha big-tops, that's all that matters. Yessiree, and I'm not just saying that because I got bribed. Although if I had been bribed, I probably shoulda been bribed more, because seriously, I'm worth more. Don'tcha agree?"

“When you were trying to give me examples of good purple prose, I actually thought you were being ironic, not trying to support it. Apparently, you’re just really crappy at your job. And keeping your bribes a secret.”

"And on that treacherous note, it's tiiiiiiime for our commercial break! Thank fucking Celestia too, because my kidney's smaller than a newborn kitten."

“...”

“Oh shit, we’re recording? That’s what that red light means? Damnit, you could’ve told me that!”

“Right, okay… here there folks, this is Bob...ington...edison. Bobingtonedison, yeah. And I’m here to sell this great product called… Wait, no, this seriously can’t be the actual name.”

“Oh, fine, fine, I’m being threatened that it is the actual name. Anyway, I’m here promoting this wonderful product called… Disco Stick: a portable device that with but the push of a button makes a disco magically appear out of thin air above you. Music not included.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, that’s the stupidest idea for a product I’ve ever heard of! No way anypony’s actually gonna buy it! I mean, who in their right mind would be so moronic as to… Oh, we’re still being recorded.”

“Yes, yes, I can see the red light. Just turn it off already! Also, how much am I getting paid for this?”

“...Wait, really, that much? That’s much less than I was expecting.”

“What, no, of course I’ll accept it, I’m not an idiot. This will go into my primary investment: gambling.”

“Damnit, just turn the red light off if you don’t want this commercial to drag on! Jeez!”

“And we’re back. Bob is still busy throwing up near the toilet, so I’m going to start us off. Tonight we have a very special guest, a mare that I have the utmost respect for because of her accomplishments in the fields of literature, magic, and academia in general. It is my great pleasure to introduce our readers to the beautiful and brilliant Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

“Uh, thank you, Mr. Spree. It’s nice to meet you. Shouldn’t we wait for Bob to come back before starting, though?”

“Don’t worry about him, he’s an idiot and probably unconscious anyway. Now, earlier we were discussing—”

"Whoa, whoa, whaaaaaat do we have here? Trying to muscle on to my prime time with our special guest?! Well, I don't think so! Now just scoot... I said scoot! Okay, now, Miss... uh... Purple Pony Person. Go get me a coffee and some vodka, also a donut. Chocolate glazed, and make it snappy!

So, Spreely, when's the special guest gonna show up? Twinkle Sprinkles or whatever her name is. Sheesh, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one with a normal name in this world."

“Why you ignorant piece of—!”

“Quilling! Please, calm down. Bob, my name is Twilight Sparkle, and I’m your guest tonight. And, not to be rude, but I’d appreciate it if you could be more professional.”

"Ha. Hahahahahaha! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh wait, you were serious. Pffft. Oh man, Spreeding, this chick is hilarious! But what isn't funny is that my coffee and vodka still isn't here. However, I found this donut conveniently on the ground, so you're sorta forgiven. But seriously, I need my booze and caffeine. Chop-chop. We can get this interviewy thing started once I'm properly jilted."

“Deep breaths, Twilight, deep breaths…”

“Princess, could you please untie me from this chair? I can’t help but notice that my co-host hasn’t been stabbed enough.”

“Just… let him get into the groove. I mean, he is one of the hosts of this show. He must know what he’s doing.”

“Respectfully, Princess? No he doesn’t.”

"In fact I do! We were talking about how awful purple prose is. Now, my opinion of it sways here and there, mostly from how many bits are wiggled in front of my muzzle, but I think we can all agree that often times it can be an extremely difficult literary process to pull off. OR SO THEY THINK! To be perfectly honest, I can spit out purple prose so purple it'd make your coat look yellow. And do I look like a fancy-dandy-prandy-made-outta-candy wordsmith? Noooope! It's the secret of the booze, you see. Even without sophisticated vocabulary you can create purple prose by simply rattling off random thoughts from the top of your head and spin it together in a vaguely philosophical mindset to appear more deeply knowledgeable than you truly are! It's the poor pony's penis enlarger, but for novels instead! A miracle of science it is!"

“You’ll have to excuse him. He’s an idiot. To put it into better terms, he’s arguing that purple prose is useful for making a story look like it has a deeper meaning. Could you please explain to him, and our viewers, that this is not the case?”

“Um, well, actually, I do think purple prose can be useful in certain situations, as long as you don’t overdo it.”

“Exactly! See—wait, what?!”

“Oh man, Spreeky, didja hear that? I think she just said purple prose was a good thing. A gooooood thing. Please, Miss Twinkies, continue. Give us explicit reasons why. I'm suuuuure Spreedingaling would looooove to hear it."

“Well, not exactly, Bob. I think it has its uses, but only in moderation. Typically, purple prose is best used in situations where you want to evoke imagery for the reader. Such as describing something in a manner meant to inspire awe.”

“I… I don’t…”

“Okay, let me read you an example from one classic novel that I brought with me.”

"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the Equestrian mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new dark age."

“That’s definitely some flowery language, but in this case I think it improves the writing. The descriptive language here is really impressive, and the creative use of metaphors suggests that the concept being described is so incomprehensible that it can only be grasped by comparing it to something more easily understood by ponies. While you could arguably convey the same thing with simpler wording, the result wouldn’t be as powerful.”

"Zzzzzz. Huh. Oh, what? Sorry, I fell asleep. You were, uh, talking about something... I think. After the first alliteration I kinda went out of it. Actually, I know a simple way to see if this is good purple prose or not. Buttstar, explain to us what you just said means using words that weren't scrawled in some angsty preteen's diary. And by explain, I mean translate into common language. Let's see if it actually makes sense."

“Does no one else see the irony in how the one defending purple prose still needs the 'good' example broken down for him to understand it?”

“You did say he’s an idiot.”

“Touché.”

“To answer his question, the passage is describing the idea that there are some things out there that are so horrible, so incomprehensible, that our ignorance of them is actually protecting us because if we ever learned of them, it would destroy us.”

“That doesn’t actually sound very insightful.”

“But it is! Ponies always pursue knowledge when given the choice, but this story pitches the idea that our ignorance could actually be a shield. Now, I’m not saying I agree with that, but it’s certainly a chilling thought. And what’s more, the idea that there could be such things out there so horrible that we couldn’t survive knowing about them is quite terrifying. The author succeeded in creating a sense of awe and fear in a way that he wouldn’t have managed if he hadn’t used such powerful language.”

"Wait... that sounds a lot like what a dictator would say to a hapless populace. Like, seriously, 'ignorance being a shield' is just another way of saying that you being stupid enough to listen to whatever shit I spew outta my mouth just plays into my own end. And all that shit about stuff being so terrifying we couldn't survive knowing... c'mon, that's just bullshit. That's just saying you shouldn't be able to know stuff because I said so and that its daaaaaangerous. This 'powerful language' is just cheap political socialist theory you could have learned in a government high school class. Heck, probably middle school. The fancy-pancy purple prose just covered up all the nasty bits about dictatorship, and it did a bad job at that."

“Whose side are you even on at this point?”

"Whichever side the bits roll in on, baby."

“Look, all I’m saying is that while purple prose is often abused, it shouldn’t be completely stamped out. When used properly, it can be very effective. Like all literary tools, the key is moderation.”

“Princess, I was wrong.”

“Oh, don’t beat yourself up over it, Quilling. It’s an honest mistake to think that purple prose is—”

“No, I mean I was wrong about you.”

“Huh?”

“I thought you were a scholar. An academic. A hero! But instead you come here, and I hear you arguing in favor of purple prose? In support of the ignorant masses?”

“That’s too far. Saying you can never use purple prose is just as bad as overusing it.”

“That’s a lie! Purple prose is a travesty!”

“That’s a very close-minded viewpoint. Besides, the opposite of purple prose—beige prose—is just as bad. Don’t even get me started on that.”

“I… I trusted you, Princess. I thought you understood!”

“Well, I’m sorry, but I’m not here to just smile and nod while you rant and rave.”

"I thought you were here to get me my coffee and vodka! Also, why do we have this chick here, anyway? The only thing she ever wrote was 'The Sun's Hidden Desire.' It was sooooo boooooring. It'd be the softcore porn of the erotica world, if only it had some sexy bits! But nooooo, just some boring lesbian romance bits involving some fatass white chick and a... lavender coated, spell-weaved admirer of the scholarly sophistication and sentiments towards the royal class."

"..."

"You fucking bastard. You explicitly used bad purple prose to make your own cheap and extremely tacky clop appear more sophisticated. That is deplorable as well as pathetic. It is perhaps one of the most reprehensible things I've ever seen. And... by God, it's ingenious! I think I'm in love!"

“I… I reject these accusations! I didn’t write that story! It was written by a stallion named Dusk Shine!”

“Everything I knew was a lie.”

"Wait a second... all this dude Dusk Shine writes is lesbian porno. Just a crazy amount of cheap, trashy lesbian erotic. And I should know, since I am an expert in the field of such deplorable literary examples. And for some odd reason most of these eroticas revolve around a social group of six mares, two princesses, and for some odd reason a... oh god SHE'S DONE HENTAI TOO!"

“No! No, that’s a lie! Uh, I think we’re out of time for tonight! Sorry, but, err, Discord has turned evil again. Yes! Discord! I’ll go and… take care of that now! Byethanksforhavingme!”

"Huh, I wonder who that was. Ah, whatever, I got my coffee and vodka anyhow. And seeing how Spreedadidly is on the floor foaming at the mouth, it looks like this is as good a time to end it as any. Thanks for listening fillies and colts everywhere, and tune in next week for... um... it began with a ‘G’ I think... Oh, right! Writing with ‘Friends!’ Oh, also, make sure to mail to the studio's PO box at 1105 Rainbow Valley Avenue, Manehatten around twenty bits so your favorite host Bob doesn't have to live on the street again. Please. The rats are getting bolder by the night."

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