I Need An Opinion · 10:34pm Mar 30th, 2015
So...got the first half of the next chapter done! But..do you think there is anything to improve on? Perhaps more humor? I want this story to be the best it can be before being shown to the world.
"Who is your leader? Do you really drive cars? Do you all cosplay as us at ComicCon?" Lyra asked the very much annoyed Viridi as she and Bon Bon walked along a path around Ponyville. The goddess was no stranger to loud-mouthed goofballs but she did have her limits.
"Bon Bon, if you can't make your friend shut up, I'm going to have a heart attack!" Viridi said, covering her ears.
"Lyra! Contain your enthusiasm!" Bon Bon commanded. Lyra immediately stopped talking and blushed. Angering a human was not first on her priority list.
"Sorry..." Lyra apologized.
"That's okay. And for the record I am a goddess not a human." Viridi explained with pride.
"And we are ponies, not horses." Bon Bon pointed out.
"Then what exactly do horses look like in your world?" Viridi questioned.
"Bigger ponies." Bon Bon shrugged.
"And...your entire population is mostly...ponies." Viridi said as she scratched her head.
"Yeah. Mostly. There are some dragons, griffons and other things but..."
"No humans? No wars? No nothing?!" Viridi asked with wonder.
"Well, there is the local bad guy trying to take over the world, but it's mostly peaceful here."
"Sounds like paradi-What is that!?" Viridi exclaimed as she saw an orange pony with golden hair and a cowboy hat prepare to kick a tree with her hooves. To the pony, it was a daily routine. To Viridi, she was about to commit murder.
"A-one. A-two. A-one two three!" The pony said as she pulled back her hooves.
"Wait!" Viridi yelled as she teleported in between the pony and the tree. The pony was startled by this sudden appearance by the goddess.
"Just who the hay are you?" The pony asked.
"Who am I? Who do you think you are?!" Viridi retaliated.
"Ah'm sorry miss but I have no idea what y'all are talking about."
"You were about to commit murder to this perfectly healthy tree!" Viridi accused as she hugged the tree like a mother to a child.
"But it's my job!" The pony protested.
"And what idiotic complete mess of a creature assigned you this task!" Viridi said, pointing to the tree.
"Princess Celestia." The pony said proudly. Viridi gave a understanding look to the pony and nodded twice. She then immediately teleported back to Bon Bon.
"Who's Princess Celestia?" Viridi whispered.
"She's our ruler. She raises the sun." Bon Bon whispered back. Viridi gave her companion a look as if she was trying to figure out if she was insane or not.
"What did you just say about the sun?" Viridi asked.
"Um...Princess Celestia raises it?" Bon Bon repeated.
"And she's the one in charge..." Viridi said angrily.
"What's wrong?"
"What's wrong? Back where I come from, the sun rises, god or not! We actually got rid of him a while ago..."
It's good, lacking a few things here and there but overall it's good. As for direct options I got none.
Showing a chapter in a blog post, however incomplete, isn't a good idea since it leaves less room for surprise, which is half the fun of reading.
That said, if you really want this story to be as good as it can be, you need to improve your own writing skills. So far Nature Calls is comprehensible, which is good, but there's still a lot to be desired as far as pacing, sentence structure, punctuation, and more are concerned (spelling and grammar are actually pretty good). Also, like I said in my comment the other day, the story could use a bit more fleshing out in regards to character interactions, setting, descriptions, among other things.
There's plenty of groups here which you can visit and get some writing tips, such as the School for New Writers. Reading stories from talented authors is also a good way to learn how to write a story appropriately.
If you want, I can even come on board as an editor/co-writer and give you some pointers/ideas.
2926107 So....I want to take you up on that offer. If you will accept it.
2969729 Certainly. Give me a while and I'll send you an informative PM to start things off.
2969826 Here's the link, if you want to take a look.
2969828 And the password is?
2969842 I thought I left all the passwords blank...oh well. I'll change it and then tell it to you!
2969842 As of now, it is Ace Ventura.
2969900 Basically, everything I've said and am going to say needs improving in the first chapter also applies to what you've written of the second.