Binge Eating - Update 2 - Powerless · 5:30pm Nov 7th, 2014
I apologize for bringing this dumb, pathetic & redundant topic up again, but ugh I'm in the worst mood right now.
This shouldn't be happening to me - I'm a university student, already managed to lose over 60lbs over 2 years, know all too well about the dangers of overindulgence, and I'm fucking 19 years old, not a 14 year old anxious girl. Yet for some god-forsaken, primal reason that actually escapes me, binge-eating is still a problem, in spite of all my mental resolve to destroy the disorder and return to a normal eating pattern and lifestyle over the past year or so. Pretty much everything I've tried to curb this recent binge eating habit hasn't worked - incorporating exercise, having larger normal portions, attempting to moderate what I have, hiding my wallet somewhere I'd never remember so I wouldn't be tempted to spend money on it, locking myself in solitary confinement - all of these actions generated precisely zero success, and I honestly feel absolutely hopeless, like I'm literally ruining my life and I'm fully aware of this, yet my body seems to disagree and demands more even though mentally I feel like total shit both during and afterwards.
I KNOW I should have the resolve to break away from it altogether and let my strength of mind win over, but believe me I've tried many many times, and it's yet to succeed. I never before realized how pathetic I was at committing to such tasks until now. This shit is completely destroying me, like I can't even go outside in public areas without feeling like some sort of abomination, and I don't know why it's such a fucking struggle to just resume eating normally as opposed to the "all or nothing" cycle I've shot myself in the foot with over the past year.
I kinda feel that not being able to seek professional analysis or having to keep it secret from family & close friends may have contributed a bit to me getting stuck in this pitiful state due to the lack of consistent support and outside moderation, but realistically it's probably just because I'm a fat, useless sack of shit, and it's not like I could feasibly risk either option anyways. Have a feeling I shouldn't be posting this, but I honestly needed to let loose, and it's not like anybody'll care anyways!
I care.
You just need to find people who are willing to help support you in fighting back against the disorder. People that will keep you from eating too much.
2579956 Thanks for the concern, PinkBrony! It does mean quite a lot - unfortunately it's very difficult to find that support network when you're naturally very introverted and cannot under any circumstance let family or professionals know about it, but I am definitely trying to let my closest friends unaffiliated to family members know. I wish this whole process never happened and I was back to how I was last year... People may've said I was "underweight" but at least I was happy and ate normally, damn it!
2579979 Just don't ever give up. Because when you do, nothing ever gets better.