Binge Eating Update #5: A Slightly Different Form, + Christmas Problems · 7:01pm Dec 28th, 2014
Hope y'all had an amazing Christmas/Hearth's Warming Eve/Hanukkah everybody! The one time of the year where everyone seems to cut loose, temporarily disassociate themselves from any sort of negative baggage and just out & out have a holly, jolly, joyful, wonderful time with family & friends!
And I'm no exception in that regard - I had a lovely Christmas - new, 100X more functional computer for my Games Dev course, lots of quality time spent with the family, evening Mario Party game which was dual parts hilarious & face-palm inducing, a lot of great new DVDs, including Guardians of the Galaxy, Adventure Time, South Park Season 2, Simpsons memorabilia ...
And copious amounts of chocolate. fuck fuck Fuck FUck FUCK
Yeah, while it's natural to receive such gifts at this time of the year, it still didn't stop me from worrying excessively about exposure to what amounts to Satan's shit welded into a sugary, confectionery form. And I was right to be worried - I simply couldn't throw the chocolatey gifts away (though in hindsight I REALLY should have arghhhhh), so I decided to go through it as quickly as possible to avoid any cases of temptation later down the line. Short time detriment, long time benefit was my train of thought at the time, but in any remotely rational reality, it serves as much more of a reminder that I'm well & truly FUCKED.
Nearly a fucking YEAR later and my habits have only worsened since they begun - I don't know if I mentioned this, but in addition to the Christmas boom most people expect when weight is concerned, I've also faced a differing dimension to binge eating - excessive portions of daily meals. You see, since around... Novemberish, I've managed to mostly curb my chocolate craving habits, but this habit has been replaced by one which is arguably just as if not even more self-destructive. Now, I tend to eat 2-3 bowls of Crunchy Nut cereal a day, alongside 4 pieces of toast and 2 fried eggs, alongside a slice of ham or 2 occasionally. And of course since Christmas was literally around the corner, my chocolate cravings made a temporary unwelcome return to the surface, though it's since been expunged. It's still had dire effects on my body & mind though.
While this new manifestation of binge eating doesn't SEEM to exceed the calorific limit on first glance, keep in mind that this is consistent, and seems to happen every day, it isn't just something which occurs once or twice a week. Suffice to say, it has completely and utterly scrambled my mind's reaction to food portions & hunger, so I always have a lot for breakfast and then supplement it with additional totally unnecessary portions in the evening. While my chocolate addiction was definitely worse in the long run (hey, at least now I'm not spending like £30-40 a week on shit which'll kill me), this recent habit displays explicitly to both myself & outsiders that my habits have not stopped, and they only have the potential to worsen from here on in. And let me tell you - it's an absolutely crushing feeling, at least for somebody who used to be 114 lbs and was happy at that weight.
On top of that, I also noticed a few pictures of people I know (friends & a few acquaintances) talking about how successful their diet's been - which is totally fine & understandable, and I'm really happy for them managing to succeed where I completely fell flat on my obese 149 lb arse! But for somebody currently attempting to break out of an eating disorder, yet failing miserably & pathetically so, you might be able to see how it can discourage you in its own ways. Hell, I feel like absolute garbage today, moreso than usual, and the issue of weight is constantly in my head at all times, constantly stopping me from partaking in hobbies & escapades I'd normally perform without an iota of thought due to how overtaken with guilt & frustration about my metamorphosis into this...ABOMINATION that is me.
It's truly come to this - I decided I look so horrifying right now that to actually accurately show how this disorder and my pathetic sense of current self-restraint has destroyed me, I'd post a comparison over what I looked like between last year & this year. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
THEN: 
NOW: 
Pretty horrifying, isn't it? Believe me, no matter how disgusted you might've felt upon seeing how much of an abomination I am now, know that it pales in comparison to the disgust I feel towards myself.
One of my New Years Resolutions is to overcome this crippling life-endangering disorder and slim back down to my ideal 114lbish figure, and believe me I damn well intend to follow through with it! But with continual occurances like those I've referenced above, alongside the positively grotesque transformation above, I sure as hell aren't optimistic about the whole thing. Maybe, just maybe, I may not be a total fuckup this upcoming year...
Maybe I'm just not looking hard enough, but those two pictures don't look related. And even then, there doesn't seem to be that big of a difference between them.
2684292 One was when I was around 120lbs, and the other was literally taken last night. Both of them are definitely me though :P