I've Never Done an Actual Review Before: To Kill a Goddess · 10:05pm Oct 13th, 2014
Okay, so you usually find me on edgy alicorn OC fics, reminding the world of FIMFiction that I'm not dead. That's because I like reading bad fics. I even made a group catering to that crowd of people. I legitimately enjoy reading stories that suck.
That doesn't mean I don't like reading good stories, too. I've been meaning to write an actual review for a while, and it wasn't until someone I stalk follow told me how much he'd love an actual review that I realized I had my opportunity.
It's time to put on my serious face.
The story selected for this review, as the title of this blog probably gave away, is To Kill a Goddess by Emerald Flight. He's an author of some note, having written a very successful romance and several other well-acclaimed romance stories. Ah, all right, so we're going to be reviewing a romance. At least, the tags say that's what I'm getting into. And the tags never lie.
The tags also say Human. All right, I'm going to make the official announcement in this review blog that probably won't be read: I have a bias against human-pony interaction. My viewpoint is skewed when it comes to this type of story. I find it harder to focus on reading whenever humans are involved with mah pones.
This story has a human tag. And... its first two chapters, which I'm doing my review on, are almost as long as the first story I ever wrote. What have I done? 
Based on what's provided in the long description, this seems to be about an incredibly popular music star who is very reclusive and secretive about her life. Hollywood tabloids would have a field day tearing apart her public image, I'd imagine. Maybe he'll include something like that. I hope so.
Author's Note:
This may just be my personal masterpiece, so please don't judge a fic by its opener.
All right, I'll judge it by its closer, then.
... Wait a minute. You just roped me into a commitment to read the entire story through to completion. You sneaky blighter. 
The studio was enormous. Not quite the most enormous studio she'd even been in, but a comfortable seat to thousands of silently interested fans. Her silently interested fans.
Substitute the word "studio" for "vagina," and this is a fairly promising beginning to a clopfic. 
Yeah, I know I said something about being serious, but that'll come later.
stage makeup not quite complimenting his high cheekbones
One of the better stories I've read, as far as grammar and whatnot, though the dashes aren't quite the rules I'm familiar with. The first legitimate error I've found is that his stage makeup can't pay his high cheekbones a compliment, but it can complement the facade he's created. Yeah, a single letter off.
I notice EVERYTHING.
Now, I know this is more a personal gripe than anything else, but this is slang:
Alright
In a story that's reading smooth as butter, for someone who notices everything from the tiniest missed punctuation to the biggest plot hole (Rainbow Dash's, by the way; she's a bit of a slut), I am still confounded by the widespread usage of this word. "Alright" is not the word you're looking for; "already" is. The words "all ready" do not mean the same thing as "already," but the words "all right" mean the same thing as "alright." Hence, why the word "alright" is considered something akin to Southern slang. Just add an extra L and a space. For serial, breh.
"So you held it together?" Fact asked.
"I wouldn't - well, that would be kind of rude to say," she replied, shaking her head. "I just think it was sort of a stepping stone for me and everyone else in the band."
"So they're musicians, too?"
She pursed her lips, thinking for a moment. "No comment."
Due to the nature of the site we're currently on, as well as what small amount of detail I have been made aware of concerning this story, I have a theory...
Goddess's first band. Either you made it way too obvious, or I'm jumping to conclusions way too hard.
"So you developed your knowledge of music alone? Single-handedly?"
If she has a tattoo on her ass that's a musical note, or a microphone, or something to do with singing, I will be ecstatic. Special talent, baby.
I'd just recently got my cutie mark
FUCK
Is this ponified humans? Is that what this is?
... This is going to be more difficult to stomach than I thought.
You wanted this, Sweetie. You wanted to tell everyone finally about yourself. Here you go.
Damn it, and here I was, thinking I was being clever for noticing the signs a few paragraphs earlier. 
At the back of the crowd, in the quasi-darkness, she saw a young man looking at his feet, one of her t-shirts hanging loosely on his wiry shoulders. She waved back to him, as she definitely couldn't call over the noise. He didn't respond.
So you fucking work at it. Sounds like this dude's going to kill himself or something tomorrow. The least he could have had to go out on was that signature.
Or maybe he's your future husband. Marry him, Sweetie Belle. He is your future.
Or just a Scootareader insert. I hope it's that. And her future husband. Though I'd prefer Scootaloo.
"It's all just experience. I've listened to music likely more than anyone I've ever met. I just know what makes something good. It's all part of it." The discomfort was returning. The caul of mystery and power she had covering her was slipping off.
Okay, I'm going to take a moment here to revel in the beauty of the tempo that you're providing us with throughout this story.
If you took out her feelings of nervousness or coolheadedness, simply the words she's picking to express such feelings is, like, palpable. I can feel the places her mind is going as she becomes increasingly more and less comfortable depending on how she approaches the question and how confident she feels in her ability to answer it without ruining some part of her.
I feel almost as if she's struggling with the obsession that she has with music and her desire to keep her life at least partially secret. She wants to babble, but she's not supposed to. Maybe I'm wrong. I probably am. 
"She probably has her reasons."
"... Yeah."
Triple lesbian love triangle? Admittedly, I've never seen a popular one of those. 
Ten, nine, eight. She climbed the train and slung off her backpack. Seven, six, five, four. With a smooth movement, the blanket fell over her and its sides attached to the roof of the cab. Three, two, one. As the quiet alarm on her wrist sounded, she felt the trickle of the spell wearing off. She was completely sealed, and ready for the three-hours ride.
Okay, at this point, I feel like she's legitimately cool. Like, in the best possible way. She's in no way edgy, or overpowered, or not Sweetie Belle... it's, fuckin', perfect tempo.
Fuckin' perfect, man. That paragraph.
Except for the three-hours ride instead of three-hour ride. I don't like to nitpick, but that's the only error in the paragraph.
"Probably not with me," Applebloom said. "Unless you've got some way of producing children with me. House rules."
The Apple family only allows family and potential future family in? And they're homophobic? This explains some of their issues. 
People came and went in Ponyville
I would fucking live in Ponyville so hard, dude. It is a little weird that normal humans who aren't bronies are living in a town of that name, though.
I guess, provided the alternative name of Humanville, keeping the original name is probably for the best.
"Do you think we can still keep the band together once I'm away?"
I called that shit so hard, bro.
"Like, you send me audio files and I'll find a way to put them together...?"
Based on the tags contained on the story's main page, audio files and technology as we know it do not exist. You'd have to mark it as Alternate Universe if it's not simply ponies > humans.
And yes, this is an issue to me. I expect stories to reflect their tags, and not putting AU means you maintain the setting that has been created. If you don't put AU but put human, you're literally just changing the species, not the way their world works or anything. Similarly, if you're going to be bridging the gap between dimensions, then you need a crossover tag to account for existing universes.
In a nutshell, you're missing a tag. 
Though, if this is the Equestria Girls universe, which doesn't seem apparent based on the cover picture (holy shit I just realized that's Sweetie Belle's hair, I can't believe I thought I was calling shit in the beginning), then there is some semblance of computer technology and that wouldn't require AU. It's a little complicated, but it definitely sticks out to me.
"It was just you," Scootaloo said. "It always is."
O... Onii-chan...~
Scootaloo almost always wore a tank top in summer, or anytime it wasn't standout cold.
Even cuter in a parka.
'I don't want you guys to think I'd ever come on to you,' she was saying, a hand covering part of her face, trying desperately not to look over at Scootaloo.
FUCKING SHIP IT.
I have always wanted a well-written ScootaBelle (I think that's the name) ship. If you don't end up making these two kiss by the end of chapter 2, I am coming after you.
... And, a few paragraphs later, it happens.
Looks like I'm in this for the long haul. You clever bastard.
"Oh - uh - f - uh - Ah'm -"
Jealous? I bet she's jealous. She wants in on dis shiz.
So, randomly placed suggestion here. You did an amazing job on the cover picture... would pictures of Scootaloo and Applebloom be out of the realm of possibility? I'd actually like to see them the way you envision them, to get a better grasp on the visualization. The pony-like humans my brain is coming up with aren't working out very well.
He was a massive history buff, and a biology genius, and through and through a nerdy dad character, complete with thin black glasses and an even thinner jaw.
Self-insert!
He certainly was an offset from the rest of the family.
I knew Applebloom was into her cousins. 
almost-Big-Mac height
Oh yeah, speaking of which, I'm guessing he's with Applejack now.
"Y'all never get my references. 'It's always five o'clock somewhere'."
That is an awesome reference.
next to Granny Smith
God damn. Either she's well-preserved, or she signed a pact with the Devil.
"He might not. Sometimes that happens," Applejack said.
Oh. He's with Applejack, not Applebloom.
Who's Applebloom with, then? 
She's gotta make babies too.
Sweetie sighed, turning back to the girl. Part of her image was a disconnect from her fans - her personality was her music, her identity was the stage. But she realized something suddenly, like a sentence overlapping itself. You are her idol. She idolizes you.
I fucking love this character you made her into. Incredible job, though the hoomenz part is still detracting. The personality, though... awesome.
It's worth reading the parts that I am not a big fan of, such as the human stuff, like kids and hands and stuff, and the usage of technology--personal gripes that are nothing to do with the story and how you wrote it. I'm really picky and opinionated about what I read in a story, hence why I shy away from reading them so much. Yet, these things aren't as grating on my sentiments as they could be. I guess you've done fairly well. It's not like this is magically reminding me of how much I love reading ponified humans... no, I still definitely wish these were ponies. It doesn't make it bad, though.
"But I thought you signed her paper! What if she's never been to a concert of yours before? She would, like, legally not have your signature! But she has it!" Scootaloo cried, standing again to pace.
"Okay, so she fabricated it. It's not that difficult to say a fan practiced writing my signature so they could make millions selling it."
I mean, it's not a big deal. She's a super famous star, and the tabloids will say whatever the fuck they want. I'm almost certain someone's tried to pass a forged signature off as Goddess's before.
That the fan never attended a concert would actually hurt her case, not help it.
Sweetie giggled. "So you're tipsy? That's adorable."
I don't like drinking, but I don't mind my girlfriend having a couple drinks. This is why. 
She was back in ten seconds.
Flat?
I love you so much."
"I love you, too," she heard. "So much."
"... Nothing. Not important."
She probably wants to get married, or something else that homosexual couples aren't supposed to do.
With a soft sigh, she finally looked over at her sister. She wasn't too much older, but she looked it, quite a bit. Her hair wasn't greying, and she far from had wrinkles yet, but she seemed exhausted, and matured. Her sense of fashion was still incredible, for the money they had, and she was holding a small piece of fabric, stitches unfinished. She'd gotten used to wearing her Element nowadays, though she was only called twice since they'd moved.
No words can describe the instant feels.
That was the last time she would cry in three years.
One thing that I can commend at this point is the fully developed world that we're being placed into. There's very specific pieces of Sweetie Belle that break through to Goddess's persona, that reach across personalities to bridge the two. They are always complementary, never clashing. Goddess is the enigma, whereas Sweetie Belle is the pony--er, person who feels too much about everything. They're not opposites, but they're separate.
I think that the cigarette at 5:00 is a very cool artistic bridging of the gap. It increases Goddess's mystery and brings Sweetie Belle back to earth as someone who's agonizingly human. It's a win-win.
For some reason, naked wasn't sexy deep into sleep.
Scootaloo was always a bit odd about granola bars.
I have no idea why this is making me laugh, but it is.
her rolling suitcase hanging lazily in the air behind her
Which reminds me. Do pegasi-equivalents--cloudwalkers, I think--have wings? Or do they float magically? Further, what about unicorn-equivalents? Do they have horns, or do they just perform magic... magically?
"I was trying to fit a granola bar into your backpack," she said quietly, "and I opened the wrong pocket."
That is probably the most adorable way to ruin a surprise I can think of.
She switched back. "Give it ten minutes, alright?" she asked gently, and reached out to take her hand, and squeezed it hard. "For now, let's talk."
This sounds like a cool-as-ice interpretation of the situation inspired by her Goddess persona. If I wasn't familiar with your work, then I would have thought it was a slip-up.
"I know about your childhood. And I'm sorry I didn't see it when we were kids,"
Another line that made me laugh. It's just... so contrived, sometimes. I dig the whole "Scootaloo was an orphan" thing, but to be honest, this is actually the last place I was expecting it. You are doing it completely tastefully, but... it just seems like one of those things that would piss you specifically off in most stories. 
"Scootaloo. I've known you for almost a full decade now."
I've known my current girlfriend for over a decade, but I haven't yet married her... hmm. You're giving me ideas.
It was two years too late that we realized we were supposed to be together."
About 8 years for her and me. This is like my life's story, except the years are a little different.
hecticness
A quick Google search reveals that this word is not an officially established word in any publication. You could just put "hectic ordeal" and it wouldn't be so jarring. I just don't think it's that difficult to find a way around questionable words like this. Re-word the sentence, you lazy bum.
Okay, I just read the 16k-word first chapter in one day. I have read more horse words today than I have in the past, like, 3 months. And it has all been showcased in a single blog with me providing srs commentary. No one will read this.
... Whoever it is that read this whole thing and isn't Emerald Flight, you should write a review of my review. This'll be fun.
i love you
if you ask so nicely
Your review was very in-depth, made me want to read the story.
It also makes me want to ask you to give an honest review of my story. You're pretty good at this.
2530826
Which one? you have three.
Also, chances are probably not. I got a random wild hair by writing this. It's a possibility I'll do more at some undetermined point in the future, but writing a review on 16k words is... an undertaking for me.
That I completed it in one day is nothing short of a miracle.
2530898
Should you get another wild hair, I'd love to hear what you think about Dust on the Wind: Irony's Tale.
I understand how you feel about writing reviews.
Nice! You've got a great eye for detail. I'd love to see some more of these in the future.
...If only I had the time and the brainpower to do so.
Actually, maybe I will do this. It probably wouldn't happen today, but I think I may actually be able to review this review. Of course, I'll have to write the review from the point of view of an arrogant teenager who has little to no grammatical abilities. It will be much funnier that way.
I wnt all the revews pwease
2530955
I hope I got a chuckle or two out of you as well, not just tears.
Thank ye for the reply. You answered all of my questions.
2530988
The eye for detail is both a blessing and a curse. It's evident in my writing, where very little mistakes are made, and has been something I take pride in and have since elementary school, when I realized that I always aced every single spelling test I got. The first word I ever remember misspelling was conscious in 4th grade, and I cried little girl tears over it and resolved to become better.
Now, just wanting to enjoy a story for what it's worth, I still see everything. Emerald has amazing talent compared to most, but my eyes still poked holes in his beautiful story. This is my life.
2531011
I look forward to your rebuttal.
EDIT: Reviewbuttal? Rebuttalview? What would you call that?
2531101
In general? Or just for your stories?
2531142 how do you stand badfic spelling then?
2531142
I can see how that could definitely suck. On the other hand, you do have a legitimate super power.
2531251
I have considered doing so in the past. There's an old news segment I used to do that focuses on the brony fandom from a brony's perspective. I'll link you one when I'm on a real computer.
2531512
I don't stand it. It's so bad it's good.
Most decent authors don't have the English talent necessary to perfect their stories (nor do I; I'm only human), and they just come so close to making it great... but they make just enough errors that it bothers me and takes away from the story.
Then, there are those whose stories are so riddled with errors that you can't imagine they thought that was legible. Like, you don't understand how someone can manage to survive with that atrocious of grammar knowledge. It's like they can't even talk or something, their English is that bad.
Where most editors spot an error when they're looking, I spot three just passing through. It's like amplifying the feeling I get from that disappointment in fics not being quite good enough to satisfy my fussy desires, but like an atomic bomb of that feeling. Maybe it's kind of mental masochism, but I love reading poorly written things because they make me cringe. I legit enjoy the feeling.
2531873
On FIMFiction, at least, it is. I used to not be able to help it. My family and friends would routinely yell at me because I would guaranteed always correct them. It hurt a lot of bonds that should have been just fine.
I've since learned how to pick the time and place to give corrections, but I still notice the errors.
2531878
I can understand that. I have a similar problem when it comes to people using sentient when they mean sapient.
2531878
You, good sir, and I, have a lot in common.
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation are three things that I get sick and tired of watching people screw up. However, I also realize, like I believe you pointed out, that a lot of people who have artistic vision wouldn't know these three things, even if they came up and bit them on the ass.
So... I like to pick my favorites, and offer to edit. Mostly because when I read, I edit the story in my own head anyway.
2531907
I also hate it when people use phrases wrong, like "I could care less!" I always end up telling people, it's "I couldn't care less!" Dating it the first way implies that you care, at least a little.
By the way, I have to admit, I love Weird Al's new song 'Word Crimes', it fits me quite well.
2531878 You like the pain? It reminds me of how in Japan people eat the still-slightly-poisonous fugu fish for the strange numbing sensation it gives them.
2531935
People who use literally when they mean figuratively. AM levels of hate.
2532460
No kidding! I hate that!
3429888
Maybe someday.
3430225
Yes. It would please me.