For those of you who read "Our Pasts..."

You may not have known it, but I finally managed to submit it to Twilight's Library. My results were rather eye opening, and almost spirit crushing....but it had to happen sometime. It was soundly rejected. Here was the review:

Rejecting Our Pasts That Haunt Us
Read: First chapter, skimmed the second one
Almost from the beginning, this story assumes a more or less full-blown romance between AJ and Dash, This is enforced in the vast majority of the second chapter and then it just stops, making AJ questioning what just happened. Due to this being an anthro / humanized story, that follows more or less standard formula, it gets enough of a squick from me not to accept it into the Library.
Additionally, mechanically, this also needs to be heavily proofread for non-existent direct-address commas:
"Uh, heh, yeah sorry about that, AJ."
(Ab)use of LUS:
Now, the cyan mare was flying about double checking her team's work before she took her break, and after about ten minutes she decided it was all quiet again.
Not only that this abuses LUS, but I'm not entirely sure what it actually means.
Rainbow Dash was a simple pegasus, with her cyan blue coat and flowing poly-chromatic hair.
(actually; we already know how Rainbow Dash looks like, there is no need to re-iterate that)
"Earth to Dash, you in there, sugarcube?" Rainbow heard AJ's voice.
Show-don't-tell situations. And aside of that, the narration switches from naming Applejack to AJ, which comes out as distraction.
Rainbow replied this time, "Well you could say it's our first date." She emphasized the word our.
Eh? Emphasis are usually written in italics, like this:
Rainbow replied this time, "Well you could say it's our first date."
And even this would be better written like this:
"Well, you could say it's our first date," Rainbow replied.
And so on and so forth.
~Twi

I also learned what LUS was and based on my writing style, I will never get a story into the library because I (ab)use the hell out of it. LUS or Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is as DH7 put it:

It's the overuse of epithets, or descriptive replacements for names. 'Lavender unicorn' and 'cyan pegasus' are big offenders.

So based on that, my writing style will suffer from their moderation as I like to use the descriptive words to avoid overuse of their names AND pronouns. Cause we all know I would do that otherwise. This really came as a crushing shot...especially since the first chapter was read but by the second chapter they were bored. Guess people don't like authors that gain momentum as they write either, but it happens I guess. Because of this I will NOT be submitting This Bright Blazing Future, even though I feel it is much better written and fleshed out. They will just jump me for supreme levels of LUS abuse, and not to mention the fact that even if it was accepted the start up story would not be there with it. My goal of getting one story in there looks light-years away now.

Maybe I'm just venting, but this kind of thing makes me feel like my writing skills are much weaker than I've come to believe over the years. I'll keep writing mind you...just there may be some diminished drive.

Before I forget, my story Space Olympics could use a proofreader...maybe a secondary editor...since I can't seem to get a person that isn't busy sadly.

Anyways yeah...see ya later guys/gals...

-Dynasty Kaine

Comments

[TheMusicalBoy93]

One thing to remember about Twilight's Library; they don't look kindly on anthro/human stories. So, immediately, you were in choppy waters, on account of, essentially, a prejudice on their part.

[Dynasty-Kaine]

2470217 It is good to now know exactly if that line in the review was meant as prejudice towards anthro... that is such nonsense.

[Saturn Scribes]

I'll avoid any cursing that I may be thinking of but the problem with a place like Twilight's Library is that they assume that EVERYONE reads like they do. I actually prefer you use LUS because I've read stories where it is always 'Twilight this' and 'Rarity that'. That gets boring and it makes me not want to read the rest of the story. In reference to the 'Applejack' to 'AJ' switch, I again prefer the nice change of pace with the simple switch of names. If all I read every time Applejack is mentioned is 'Applejack' again it get boring and tiresome, I will most likely stop reading.

Just some food for thought from someone who happens to like your stories! I may not comment but you can bet that I've read and enjoyed it.

[Dynasty-Kaine]

2470277 Yeah see you get what I mean, I was taught to AVOID using their names repetitively all through out school. And there is only so much you can do with pronouns(he, she, they, etc.) before they get repetitive too! I like using the descriptions to allow a reader to keep or re-visualize the character speaking. It keeps the image in their heads. I read their FAQ thing on LUS and it is like...the exact opposite of what I've learned. And for all we know rejection was also anthro bias...or the fact that it hasn't generated much views, likes, faves, etc.

I find it silliness for people to think that we all write within the exact specified rules of grammar and literature, but if that was the case the originality of stories (I feel) would be lost to the monochrome flow of every story being exactly the same in structure. Every writer has their style, and this bizarre one is mine...why can't people look past that dang it?

[TheMusicalBoy93]

2470272 Yeah, it's almost racist, I feel.

Pony fiction site for Pony fiction. No anthro or human allowed

That should be their mantra. No offense to Twilight's Library, but that's how it looks, in my eyes

[Dynasty-Kaine]

2470300 The only way you get your story in is changing what they said was wrong with it...and by doing that, you give them the power to change you into the writer they want. They FORCE you to conform and give up the type of writer you are...*Shrugs* Maybe I'm too irritable about this...I just feel people should try to read a story for more than two chapters before judging it...

[TheMusicalBoy93]

2470306 You write stories that you and, hopefully, your target audience will enjoy. If someone criticises you because it doesn't conform to their "master race" of literature, then bigger fool them.

[Dynasty-Kaine]

2470354 Ahhh thank you for that! So you know I just polished off chapter 19, so it will be waiting in the wings with 18. Victory!
[youtube=2K6S0LHeG8k]

[contodaslasganas]

Don't feel so down. This is what I got.

Rejecting CMC Changeling Protectors
*scratches head* Cooop?

When you're trying to write a sad story, the key is setting a subtle atmosphere. Writing it too dramatic will make it come across melodramatic and disengage the reader. When we're introduced to this new character crying in the bushes, we see a dramatic shift in tone that feels too over-the-top to be believable.
And I know not everyone feels this way, but if you're going to introduce an OC, it needs to have a little more depth than just being miserable for unclear reasons. The final line of the chapter was clearly meant to be a hook to keep the reader going, not a thought that flowed naturally through the character.

Here's a thing: This is supposed to be a romance, set in alternative universe. But the problem is the background. The changeling... thingy is supposed be sad about... being kicked out from its clan for being different, I think? And after few moments of sobbing, the settings completely changes and moves on. It feels like reading Monty Python's Flying Circus: "And now for something completely different."
Also, this is in dire need in scene cuts and on top of it all, there's a ton of clunky statements, like this one:

“Well, I’m just glad that no one got hurt,” Sweetie Belle replied to Apple Bloom’s comment.

~Twi

It just goes to show you that you can still improve.
...
And I'm sorry, I haven't found much time to read many more chapters of the sequel.
I just got back from a brony meetup and I am pooped out.

[Dynasty-Kaine]

2470697 Looks like I should take a look at that story of yours as well...since they rough housed you too. I doubt it is as bad as they make it out to be . And as for reading TBBF it's okay if stuff has been coming up, I totally understand! I'm surprised I am still able to keep it going with my now busy schedule!

[contodaslasganas]

2471557 Yeah, although I do see their points. The story was a bit rushed, and the romance is almost nonexistent until I add future chapters. As a whole, CMC Changeling Protectors was written for a contest, so it was quite rushed. I have re-edited some stuff, though.

[Dynasty-Kaine]

2471562 lmao, well shoulda waited then for Twi's Library then silly!
For me though I almost don't want to go back and edit Our Pasts... since it is considered finished after all...

[contodaslasganas]

2471582 Well, in hindsight, yes, but it was already tagged complete for 10? months. I only just decided to change it back to incomplete.

[The Derp]

I can see how they "rejected" your story but still it's beautifully written and deserves a second chance

[Dynasty-Kaine]

2519654 Yeah but their rejection is over the LUS mainly, and in my opinion that can be a stupid reason. What if that is part of the writers' style? Would they ask every great writer to stop what they were doing if they did that? Would they call classic literature trash if it didn't follow their rules to a tee? Le sigh... It just irked me kinda badly.

Though I can easily admit the sequel feels much more eloquently written. More details, less mistakes, a more expanded universe, and lots of music! I mean overall I've enjoyed writing This Bright Blazing Future more, and when I look at editing Our Pasts That Haunt Us...I just don't feel like I can do it without ruining its follow up story...

[The Derp]

2520787 Yes The LUS rule isn't my favorite either. Now pay no mind to them you shouldn't have to edit you wonderful story to fit to their rules. Just keep writing the way you do and know that at least you have one fan that loves your stories dearly.

[Dynasty-Kaine]

2521384 Thank you, though at this point...*Sniffles* I am proud to have a handful of you!

[The Derp]

2523526 Heh Your Welcome ^-^