Parasprite's review challenge. First nigga review. · 7:51am Sep 12th, 2014
Sup, nig-nogs? Recently, the parasprite issued out a challenge for anyone reading this post to review the fic How An Actual Human Vs. Pony War Would Go and I'm going to take it up. I've never done a review before so this should be fun.
Aight, we're going to look at the story on the outside first. Title's fine, just seems a little straight-forward and loud to get attention. Looking at it, I'm secretly hoping that this is a troll fic, since humans have no reason to go to war with ponies (unless the ponies have oil of course, or if the humans are American). And war scenes with ponies tend to turn out incredibly autistic with the author throwing out all of the weapons they learnt about in Call of Duty into the hands of the humans. But that's a preconceived notion and niggas can't have any of that. Good, now on to the long description and picture.
Have you been reading a 'Human/Pony War' fic and been wondering how the ponies are putting up a fight with medieval level weapons and magic, while we have firearms, nuclear weapons, armies the size of their entire population and most importantly, years and years of perfecting the art of war. This is how an actual human/pony war would go.... with comedy.
9/11/14- FUGGIN A, I GOT FEATURED! Holy crap I go to sleep after sending it for submission, wake up, check it, pretty good support, I go to school, come back and I have hundreds of comments, favorites and 10 new people followed me
Wow! What a description. Though I've been slogging it in the ghetto for years, I know that this isn't the English my mama taught me. FYI no, I don't read Human/Pony war fics since 99% of them turn out to be incredibly autistic (<--These two words will pop up very frequently in my review, I know it) and by your description, it looks like there's going to be a clear win by the humans. After all, what is a toothpick to a sword? I'd say that it kills the suspense by revealing the obvious winner, but who knows? This author might not be as incredibly autistic as the thousands of other Pony/Human war writers. But I'm going with the assumption that he is incredibly autistic, due to his bad grammar, and I'll read the story praying that I'll be proven wrong. OH WAIT. He says:
This is how an actual human/pony war would go.... with comedy.
Trollfic? I hope the fuck so. That way, everything that's written, no matter how silly, is justified since it made me laugh. But we're missing something here.
9/11/14- FUGGIN A, I GOT FEATURED! Holy crap I go to sleep after sending it for submission, wake up, check it, pretty good support, I go to school, come back and I have hundreds of comments, favorites and 10 new people followed me
9/11/14- FUGGIN A, I GOT FEATURED!
FUGGIN A
Well. That was incredibly au--
*SLAP*
I slap myself in the face to stop myself and get the fuck on with the story. I click the link, not because I want to see the story but because I have a challenge to do. The chapter title says, "The 5 Minute Battle". Alrighty then.
Author's Note:
This is not meant to be taken serious and I thought of it after reading the 'Something that human vs. pony stories rarely consider' thread on the 'Humans are Superior' group. It made a good point; which thinks faster, a computer of a Tomahawk Missile or a unicorn that is tasked with stopping a Tomahawk Missile, and has never seen a Tomahawk Missile. Again, don't take any of this serious. Please excuse my blatant misuse of military equipment.
Hmm. Forums that discuss this crap tend to be incredibly autistic so reading this note makes me cringe. Other than a few assurances that this is a troll fic, I see nothing wrong and I go ahead with continuing the story.
ANDDDDD WOAH. The next paragraph has Celestia literally saying this:
Hello humans. I am Princess Celestia and I have come to rid the multiverse of your scum. You constantly slaughter and lie to each other and destroy your world. I have come to put an end to it. I give you a week to gather your army and then, I will invade.
So much for fucking love and tolerance, you bitch. The Celestia in my Eminem fic is actually no better This is a way for the author to jump straight into the war part, so it seems. He doesn't want to waste time describing the specific reasons since he's so interested in how a pony/human war plays out, which is weird because the very idea is autistic. Then to further support the theory that he's rushing into this fic like Drake rushing to stuff his Jewish cock (<-- by that I mean his nose) into Nicki Minaj's silicon ass, the next line has all the generals of the world agreeing to bomb the ponies and shit. I mean, how gullible are these niggas? First off, you don't just waste resources to mobilise your armies against a fucking unicorn with wings and a crown who just announced invasion through a muthafukkin hologram or some shit. And how the fuck do these niggas know how powerful these pastel coloured ponies be? FUCK man, the autism is reeking off this first para.
Moving on. There is a lack of description that is characteristic of a troll fic, like when the helicopter suddenly swoops down to meet the army and shit. Up to this point, I'm still waiting for an acceptable explanation behind this sudden invasion, even a "WE'RE KILLING YA'LL CUZ WE NEED UR VIRGINS LEL" would be more acceptable than a "oh, this world is so rotten. It needs to be cleansed, I will be the God of this New World, #illuminati."
Now, now is the good part. The following is the dialogue of a soldier addressing Celestia and her army:
There are 6 C-130s carrying over 30 M1A2 Abraham tanks, 8 F-35s, 3 A-10s, 6 Apache Attack Helicopters, 10 Sea Knight medium lift helicopters filled with US Marines, and multiple Tomahawk Missiles standing by for launch. Overall, there are over 350 heavily armed soldiers waiting for a war. Do you surrender?"
No soldier is that autistic to say that shit. NO ONE, except for a) that clammy kid who plays Call of Duty everyday after school who refuses to socialise b) that neck beard who can't do anything but look at cartoon ponies and play Call of Duty everyday under the gamer tag xXxAppleJackNoScopexXx c) An aged army veteran who has PSTD and loves rambling on and on about his guns. Then Celestia refuses. Well, up till now, I haven't commented on the weirdness of Celestia, that she's out of character and crap but yes, it is a problem that the author suddenly makes Celestia a tyrant for no apparent reason. Tyrantlestia isn't the best of negotiators; heck, it looks like she was experiencing a nigga moment right then and there.
PAH, WE HAVE 40 THOUSAND SOLDIERS, ARMED WITH SOLID GOLD ARMOR AND WEAPONS! YOU DO NOT STAND A CHANCE!
Then, we know that it's going to be the funeral of the pony army. The soldiers launch Tomahawk missiles, which possibly 75% of readers don't know about since everyone skipped the previous tirade the incredibly autistic soldier was rambling about. Moving on.
"Princess, what's that noise?" asked Shining Armor shortly before 3 Tomahawk Missiles struck the 40 thousand soldiers, many of which died.
Whom, unless we're talking human perspective and regarding all animals as 'it'. Anywho, it would've been nice if you stated a more descriptive cause than a brief effect. Otherwise we wouldn't know the manner in which the ponies died, which all of us want to now since bronies are disgusting faggots regurgitated from the bowels of Tartarus itself. Plus, their deaths seem a tad bit... insignificant. This is a technique in troll writing that we call lack of subtlety, where we give the description to you on a silver spoon and shove it into your face.
Later on, we see that Celestia sends some pegasi to their deaths, and then 6 columns of 'Abrahams' approach the pony army. Which Abrahams, again?
Sure, sure. And it gets autisticer as time goes on.
"Alright boys. Intel says that the opposition has solid gold armor, this should be easy. What's the plan?" asked a commander of a lead tank.
"BLITZKRIEG!" shouted most of the commanders.
"Fuck yeah, BLITZKRIEG!" shouted the commander as he ordered all tanks to charge and call in air support.
FUCK YEAH BLITZKRIEG! FUCK YEAH WE'RE ESSENTIALLY CASTRATING THE KINGDOM OF PONIES BY DESTROYING THEIR ARMIES! FUCK YEAH GENOCIDE IS COMING NEXT! AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!
Coming up, Celestia (or the reader, though it's been established already) is revealed to have half a brain as she orders her retarded ponies to run up to their deaths. Or, Celestia might have a fetish for the genocide of her own people, mmm. In that case the next scene would make her wet beyond her wildest dreams: turns out that only 376 ponies were able enough to run to the portal, and they, as expected, died. Not surprising, surprisingly.
Next up, we discover that Celestia left all of her ponies for death and she's sipping a cappuccino in her throne room. She looks into the multiverse and discovers that there's absolutely no chance of her getting out of the friend zone situation she's currently in and winning the war by invading the human world and cleansing it of evil. Actually, here's what was described:
However, she realized that maybe, just maybe, humanity was a necessary evil. They had advanced more than her ponies ever would, reached the moon without magic and were discovering the inner workings of the universe. Maybe she could find a universe where she didn't try to invade and be friendly with them. 'Yes that's it.' she said to herself 'I wouldn't be a very good leader if I didn't do what is best for my little ponies.Hehe, she said it! I must try again.'
FUCK! Way to suck the cock of her aggressors. I still can't see why humanity's a necessary evil, because they wiped yo nigga ass. Plus this shit:
I wouldn't be a very good leader if I didn't do what is best for my little ponies.
Sending 40 000 to their death isn't really the best, so you're kind of the worst leader. Then comes the ending: She dies just as she 'changes her mind', since the humans managed to fit a nuke through the portal and blast the whole of Equestria into nothingdom. Celestia chokes on her cappu before the nuke hits.
My overall rating of this story is... not that bad, actually. If I come from the standard that is widely accepted by FIMFiction's autists, I'd rate this fic a solid 4 out of 10. Personal rating: Maybe a 2 out of 10, because Jihadists can't stop at just one tower. As a troll fic? It's maybe, a 0.5 out of 10, because so much muricanness could have been milked out of this story. The ponies could have worked with Osama (purported to be dead but actually rescued by ponies) and ISIS and fly a plane into their skyscrapers and shit. I don't know, that's just me. This fic would only make you laugh if ponies dying are your thing. Surprisingly, it isn't my thing: I'd rather see big booty hoes dying. And sure, my stories may not be any better but the thing is, I make it blatantly obvious that I'm writing a troll fic.
Right, that's all for today, fuckers.
The spook can talk! But really, ponies dying seems to be a lot of people's thing.
2448712 Bronies want to see their world burn.
2448823 It's surprisingly not surprising.