Mechanical Stories! · 2:26am Jun 10th, 2012
I had this weird idea in the shower. I'm going to tell you a story.
Twilight Sparkle went to the bookstore. At the bookstore, she opened the door to get in. Once inside, she found a book. She eventually bought the book. She left the bookstore and went home.
Boring story, huh? What if I add some descriptive words. Some flavor in word form?
Twilight Sparkle happily went to the new bookstore. At the bookstore, she carefully opened the heavy door so she could go inside. Once inside, she found an interesting book. She eventually decided to buy the interesting book. She left the now boring bookstore and quickly went home.
Still kind of bad... But a little better at least. It needs more details to be interesting. So I'm going to add some.
Twilight Sparkle was happy to go to the bookstore today. At first, she was daunted by the large door, but she used her magic to open it and get inside. Inside the dusty bookstore she managed to find an interesting book. It was intriguingly about magical tacos, a subject she had never even heard of before, so she decided to buy it. Happy with her purchase, she left the now excavated bookstore to return home with her loot.
That's a little better, but somethings missing. I don't know what other authors do, but I like to throw in some more information to help build the scene at this point. Maybe add a few sentences of new details?
Twilight Sparkle was happy to go to the bookstore today. It had been a while since, and she needed a new book to read. It looked like they changed the door to get in, replacing the old wooden one with a giant steel replica of a book. At first, she was daunted by the large door, but she used her magic to open it and get inside. Stifling a sneeze, she realized that she was probably the first customer today, no one else being strong enough to open the giant steel door. Inside the dusty bookstore she managed to find an interesting book. It had a bright blue cover and some rainbow stripes across it. It was intriguingly about magical tacos, a subject she had never even heard of before, so she decided to buy it. The Storekeeper was excited to see someone making a purchase and gave her a pretty big discount. Happy with her purchase, she left the now excavated bookstore to return home with her loot. She had an exciting day of reading to do!
Wow. That made it bigger. It's certainly a little more fun now that we have a setting and some things going on besides the main plot. It kind of feels a little choppy though. Now I need to make it flow better somehow. Time to perform surgery on my sentences, and maybe add some continuity. Every time I do this I also try to add a little more information to make it even more exciting! But I have to be extra careful to keep it coherent within the story.
Twilight Sparkle was happy to go to the bookstore today. It had been a while since she had bought a new book. At her arrival, she noticed something weird. It looked like they changed the old wooden door with a giant steel replica of a book. A clever idea for a door in theory, but maybe not good if they actually want to let ponies in. Luckily, she was an expert at magic and no door would stand in her way! A magic spark ran up her horn, and she grunted at the herculean effort it took to move this ridiculous door. A satisfying scraping noise was her reward as the door slowly slid open, allowing her entry into the previously locked bastion of knowledge. Twilight peered into the darkened building, and had to Stifle a sneeze as the dust assaulted her senses. Nopony else was inside, except for a now excited proprietor sitting at the book counter. She must have been the first customer able to open the door! Starting her search, a book high up on the shelf caught her eye with it's blue hue and rainbow stripes. Did Rainbow Dash write a book? She carefully levitated it down and found to her surprise that it absolutely nothing to do with Rainbow, but was a text on the properties of magical tacos! How exciting! She had to take this home and read it right away. As she approached the Storekeeper, his eyes lit up in excitement. He commented that nopony had been in since his new advertising door had been put up, and that as his first customer today she could get a 20% discount. She laughed and told him that now that his door was open, he should expect more business. Book in hoof, Twilight left the fully searched bookstore and made her way back to the library to begin her important research on magical tacos. Today was looking up!
That took a long time, but it sure was an improvement over what I had. It's still kind of hard to read though, maybe I could add paragraph breaks at appropriate spots? Also it wouldn't hurt to double check spelling and grammar. I think I left some weird capitals in there somewhere. And maybe hit up a thesaurus to throw some diversity into the words I'm using.
Twilight Sparkle was happy to go to the bookstore today. It had been a while since she had bought a new book. At her arrival, she noticed something weird. It looked like they changed the old wooden door with a giant steel replica of a book. A clever idea for a door in theory, but maybe not so good if they actually want to let ponies in. Luckily, she was an expert at magic and no door would stand in her way!
A magic spark ran up her horn, and she grunted at the herculean effort it took to move this ridiculous door. A satisfying scraping noise was her reward as the door slowly slid open, allowing her entry into the previously locked bastion of knowledge. Twilight peered into the darkened building, and had to stifle a sneeze as the dust assaulted her senses. Nopony else was inside, except for a now excited proprietor sitting at the book counter. She must have been the first customer able to open the door!
Starting her search, a book high up on the shelf caught her eye with it's blue hue and rainbow stripes. Did Rainbow Dash write a book? She carefully levitated it down and found, to her surprise, that it had absolutely nothing to do with Rainbow, but was a text on the properties of magical tacos! How intriguing! She had to take this home and read it right away.
As she approached the Storekeeper, his eyes lit up in glee. He commented that nopony had been in since his new advertising door had been put up, and that as his first customer today she could get a 20% discount. She laughed and told him that now that his door was open, he should expect more business.
Book in hoof, Twilight left the fully searched bookstore and made her way back to the library to begin her important research on magical tacos. Today was looking up!
So that's much better now. I could put more work into it, but for now it makes me happy. Maybe throw dome dialogue instead of describing the interaction between Twilight and the shopkeeper or something like that.
Isn't this a much better story than my first one? And the original story is still in there! Twilight still goes to the bookstore, deals with a door, buys a book, and goes home! Sure I added some details like a giant steel door and a Rainbow Dash book about magical tacos, but if I wasn't going to describe them in the original story then giving them character is much better.
Anyways, I see a ton of stories on this site that are somewhere near my second or even first draft of this story. They feel mechanical. They could be so much better! You just have to put some time and effort into them. Sometimes I fall into that trick as well, but you just gotta put some work into it. I know nobody reads this, so this is how I write clop.
thanks for writing this it might actually help me write my story a little better once i start writing it. still in the bloody planning stage and i have to write out all the scenes and what not so by the way hows progress going on the next chapter of your story?
198593
Thanks! I keep re-writing portions of it, but right now I'm half assedly surfing the internet... I'll get back to work...
Holy shit you genius I will cherish this blog post forever and ever.