Sometimes · 1:35am Mar 28th, 2022
The world is a strange place. I'm a little on the older side, but I just had a first for me. One of the people I helped raise died recently. She didn't have the best life. Her family was difficult, and I like to think that mine provided a reprieve. I helped change her diapers, taught her to read, and watched her grow up even in a difficult household. Her family loved her very much, but didn't have the capacity to express or act on it in a way she could appreciate, and secretly I blame at least one of them for this. In a lot of ways, they loved her in a selfish manner. She was estranged from them at the end, running away from their strict lifestyle.
It was likely that rebellion that killed her. She was found dead from an opioid overdose. I don't believe in life after death, and I don't think she's better off. This whole thing is a tragedy, and I'm angry at everyone involved. Still, I could have done more. After she became a young adult I kept my distance, figuring that she'd figure out life on her own and reach out if she needed me. I was wrong.
People die every day, and it's far from the first time I've had a friend or loved one pass, but this hit different. I don't like it, and I'm a little bitter and out of sorts. Usually I'm sad when people die. This time I'm angry.
I'm just not sure who at.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what that feels like - I'm in a stressful situation and I worry about this kind of thing, as we've talked about, but my emotional connection is a lot more... tenuous. I feel like I've made peace with whatever might happen, but that's probably a lie. I shouldn't be talking about myself here, either.
You've done wonderful things for my life and I'm glad you are a part of it. Let your emotions do what they will. I don't have any words of consolation or anything else, because they are bullshit, but also I know you don't need them.
A loss like this leaves anger, you can never be sure at whom exactly, some devouts hated god for a time I've seen it. Ultimately the truth is you're mad at the void more than anything else, the void being your emotions for said person, the could and could not, its hard to process, it will likely cause you no end of grief. Time will let it grow old, but it isn't healing, it's getting used to the hurt left behind.
At least that is the experience I've both had and seen. All I can say is, let it hurt, and press on, but given what you've written, I am under the impression you know that. Stay strong, and don't let it consume you, it'll only hurt more.
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Thank you.
It's a tragedy, definitely. The anger's understandable, especially in a situation like this. I'm sorry for your loss. *Hugs*