Aug
7th
2014
Why does every pony hate Retribution? · 4:03pm Aug 7th, 2014
I'm a little confused as to why people seem to be divided on my Retribution story.
Because it's gruesome? Yeah, but I've seen worse on this site.
Because it's a dark deconstruction attempt? Yeah, but see the first one.
Because it doesn't take a pro-Twilight stance regarding the wedding? Yeah, but it's not the only one here...right?
Right?
I can accept that one of my stories isn't as good as the others, but I haven't gotten enough feedback to really understand what I did wrong. If you could, please read 'Retribution' and help?
It's just too over-the-top. Same problem the other stories like it tend to have, like Breakdown (the third chapter, specifically). The situation gets too violent too fast, and even if Twilight feels betrayed and so on it's well past my suspension of disbelief to have her go on a rampage like that, especially one that violent. I also didn't like Twilight randomly lunging back into insanity, I feel the story would work better if she just sat down and didn't resist as Luna killed her.
To be fair I have these problem with pretty much all the variations on this idea I've read, so don't feel singled out. And while I didn't like the story around it, there was something that really stuck with me about the scene where Twilight kills Chrysalis and briefly thinks things will be okay before the reality of the situation sinks in. I have a fondness for moments where a sane character sees what they did while they were in an insane fury, and that part you handled quite well up until Luna showed up.
2351267 Funny you should bring up Breakdown - that was actually the inspiration for this. I basically asked "What would happen if it wasn't Cadence that Twilight attacked first' and it just spiralled from there. Remember, Twilight visited horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE pain on Chrysalis while making her wear her friends faces...I guess after reading that, it didn't seem like much of a stretch that she would've done the same to her real friends if she HADN'T become aware of Chrysalis' capabilities.
2351279
Based on that reasoning the story does work*, but I thought Breakdown was flawed largely because of how excessively violent Twilight got. I don't have much of an aversion to violence, but in both stories I feel like Twilight just goes so far past the point of believable that I just lose interest. I also gave Breakdown some criticism, although I don't remember having any real issues with the first two chapters.
*That is, your story does seem like what would have happened if the Twilight from that story had decided to save Cadance for last. It's a reasonable guess of how that would play out, but the issue is that it's hard to imagine Twilight getting into that state in the first place.
Well, I liked it. Some people just don't have a taste for the Dark, I guess.