Aspiring film editor. When I write I shoot for awesome and nothing less. Anti-censorship and pro free-speech.
Did I focus more on action and adventure than the inner turmoil of the main character. My zero-puction review says yes. Nobody complained about this before though, so I figured I was doing everything right. What do you guys think?
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I don't think so
the mental bits come in the trials, the action happens in the real world. From my perspective, the action has been building
I would say to look back at the trial of laughter, because, just from memory, it feels a little too action-y for a trial (might be remembering wrong, it's been a while)
2253904 No action. Just overly goofy and comparison to the normal tone the rest of the story. Lots of 4-wall jokes and stuff. Basically a big Pinki-Pie aside trip, and a very mixed received chapter. And there was some father and son moments with Shining and Wasp, that allowed Shining to spare Wasp when he cast that big spell (whether that was contentions detection is open ended). It also complied Wasp to save Shining by shooting his horn off, (though the fact that Shining was about to explode and possibly go nuclear may have had a part in that as well.)
Not that I have seen or felt. It still feels like a good story with some well placed moments.
I myself feel that the amount of action and adventure is appropriate, though you might be able to delve into his inner turmoil a tad deeper.
2254731 Gotcha. I'll find a good moment for that in the next chapter or so. Possibly in an argument between brother and sisster.
2253904
I echo CATS here, as long as you don't lose focus on how you want the story to go, we'll still enjoy it.
2253957
looking back at it, you did a good job of getting emotion at the start, but the silliness kinda took over and it got resolved a little too quick.
if you end up doing a rewrite again (not saying that it's necessary) I'd stretch the trial out a little longer, maybe open more rooms and get the rooms to bring about the talking points and leave the meta humor as far in the background as possible
other than that, I wouldn't change a thing with the story currently
(a little unsure as to where you're taking entropy and sombra/blueblood, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on them)
2255835 Entropy probably won't have that much involvement in this story. However, If he does shoe up, it will not be as villain. The orginal Freddy Kruger like entropy is dead of a way to bring him into Armor and Sword (not as a villain though)
Sombra is the main agonist, with Blueblood as his vessel.
And if I do rewrite Chapter 11, it will be a separate trimmed version with less jokes.
Uhh.. was it supposed to focus more on shining's inner turmoil then the action? And why do i feel like a caveman for saying i prefer it that way.
2256445 It was supposed to be a bit of both.
2257149 It is a bit of both but if it was supposed to lean more towards inner turmoil then yeah its lost its focus and is more action-ey now. I would say 65-35?
Don't worry too much about it. It's working pretty well, in fact, I like the new angle here of shining losing everything he was in his quest to become that someone he wants to be. First his title, then his proof living, and then his magic. It's like that with each element he picks up, he loses his old bits of his life, that might only be restored once he finds the scepter of harmony. It's very subtle but very cool.