).Drive · 5:32pm Feb 22nd, 2014
Do you dream?
Can you put yourself in a world that is not the one we inhabit because in that other world you've reached some logical extension of your personal journey?
I swear I used to be able to. But lately, just lately, it's become harder and harder to categorize myself as anything other than a square peg in this regard. As people we all have goals and desires, things that keep us running, but I seem to be running fry of the forces that drive people. I need nothing. I want nothing. It's not spiritual enlightenment, it's torture. Even the bitter aching that characterizes my one true desire is fading in intensity. That and my physical needs. I don't sleep, I eat poorly and infrequently. I can go hours without realizing I'm thirsty. It's like all of my basic physical desires are leaking out of me, hastening me to an early exit.
I need to clean and exercise and prepare for uni and get a job and prepare for life in general but I can't. I can't find a guiding light. I can barely find the motivation to stagger the few steps to my computer where I'll spend the majority of my day feeling tired and worn out. I can escape into fiction, but I've lost my ability to dream myself out of this rut. If I don't want anything, how am I supposed to take action satisfy the desire for that which I don't want?
I can't even find the motivation to drag this out like my usual "I'm depressed, send help" blog post fare. Thanks for reading along anyway if you're still here.
I know that you're not into meds, but if your depression is getting that bad you need some kind of help. I'm all about going with behavioral counseling rather than chemical, but doing nothing about it isn't the answer.
If you need motivation, maybe just consider that the torture might stop if you get help.
I will now offer you advice I've heard concerning depression I'm sure you're aware of, yet is worth the potential repetition (for I've been wrong before). Depression skews one's perception of reality. Thus, your personal feelings concerning yourself, others, and your path in life will not be accurate. Anything subjective, anything that is filtered through your head, will be influenced.
I will also remind you that your presence is wholly beneficial and in many respects essential for me, if no one else, and I'm absolutely certain there are others who feel the same way. I will reiterate, publicly, that there are secrets I feel comfortable telling you that I cannot tell my closest friends or parents. You are a beacon for me, and your advice has saved me plenty of grief, for I am no skilled navigator of the world. And that's a testament to the good you can do for others.
I must ask you to take my word for all this. I'm not as good a guide as you are—I have a tendency to hold the compass upside-down—but I'm here to help. I have a debt to pay.
1862398
I already have an appointment for further counseling booked early next week. It's a matter of waiting til then. I'll last that long, I always do.
It's that and telling someone, sharing out a bit of the pain and worry lets me breathe a little easier.
I'm always here if you need someone to talk to.
1862443
Thank you, I do this far too much and say thank you far too little for the way you incessantly have my back. It's comforting and inspiring to know that people out there will drop everything in order to try to help me out of yet another funk. I'm so grateful it has a hard time coming out in words. Thank you.
1862452
Good. I just worry about you. I want to see things go better for you, and I know they will.
1862452 I was about to ask that too. It is good to hear that you get professional help - there is only so much I can do with warm words from another continent.
Anyway, if you are sleepless and need to talk, you can find me in steam chat as usual.