Write-off: Why I love "The Ponies we Love" · 8:48pm Jan 24th, 2014
"The Ponies we Love" took 2nd-to-last place in January’s write-off. I want to explain (and in doing so figure out) why it excited me more than any other story in the competition, despite being incomplete.
I liked the style, certainly, but that's not as important to me as content, at least if by “style” we mean an author’s grammar and preference for big or small words, long or short sentences, showing or telling. Content matters more to me. Halfway between style and content is the choice of what to focus on and what words to use, and that matters to me, too. Let’s look at content and word choice. Here are the first lines:
The gentle taps on the door rang clearly throughout the hallway.
Celestia stood before the grand entrance, hoof still raised and poised for another strike, waiting for a response from within.
Luna always did take her time acknowledging visitors.
In the silence she gazed at the intricate, inlaid patterns on the pair of doors; they drew one’s eye upwards to a grand arch resting above, giving any visitor the sense they were a foal looking up to a tall and imperious pony. Celestia smiled sadly at the thought.
“Come in sister,” Luna called. Her voice was strong and authoritative in tone—very professional. It yielded a sense of Luna’s commanding presence, something Celestia had watched fluctuate over the years as she swayed back and forth, uncertain in her image.
We've got setting and action, but each paragraph is also characterization. Celestia's taps were 'gentle', yet 'rang clear', a description of Celestia herself. Celestia stands "hoof still raised and poised for another strike, waiting": ready for action, yet also patient; and we recall the second meaning of "poised". "Luna always did take her time acknowledging visitors" tells us this Luna is haughty, or plays status games. "... giving any visitor the sense they were a foal looking up to a tall and imperious pony. Celestia smiled sadly at the thought." reinforces this, and shows us how Celestia feels about that. Then "... something Celestia had watched fluctuate over the years as she swayed back and forth, uncertain in her image" follows through to explain why Luna is playing these games, and why it makes Celestia sad.
Everything that follows after that builds on that initial relationship set-up.
(Notice that “They drew one’s eye upwards to a grand arch resting above, giving any visitor the sense they were a foal looking up to a tall and imperious pony” and “Her voice was strong and authoritative in tone … [giving] a sense of Luna’s commanding presence, something Celestia had watched fluctuate over the years as she swayed back and forth, uncertain in her image” both nest metaphorical showing inside telling inside literal showing.)
Then there’s a section in which we see the mayor worrying about Twilight, who isn’t able to deal with the responsibilities of administration for some unknown reason. The mayor is supposed to report on Twilight to Celestia, who is worried about exactly this happening, but the mayor conceals it, as a misguided favor to Twilight.
Then Rarity and Fluttershy interact, in a section that wanders farther afield from its plot line, but has this charming exchange:
“Hi, Rarity.”
Rarity gave a sharp jolt, the wheels in her mind jumping tracks. “Er—hi, Fluttershy dear.” She gave a pleasant laugh to cover her ruffled state.
Fluttershy smiled demurely. “I didn’t catch you in the middle of an Inspiration Search, did I?”
Rarity raised an eyebrow. She had forgotten Fluttershy knew she did that, and more so, that she knew what it looked like. But that would mean…
Carefully, she worded her answer. “Why yes, actually, I was,” she said in a flippant manner, and then, more slowly, “you noticed?” And interrupted me anyway.
A tremble rumbled through Fluttershy. “Um, well, yes, but not before I said hi.” She plastered a thin smile on her lips. Rarity saw it for what it was: a silent apology. The form of repentance the two of them had, over the years, come to tacitly agree upon—when it came to little, personal faux-pas such as these. Following suite, Rarity let her annoyance slide away, returning her silent forgiveness: a sincere, friendly smile. Fluttershy’s thin lips blossomed into a radiant grin of appreciation.
We now know Rarity & Fluttershy are close; that Rarity likes keeping her thoughts private; that Rarity prioritizes her art very high, sometimes above her friends; that she operates on the level of things unspoken; that Fluttershy also understands these things and finds Rarity’s displeasure, even when merely implied, painful; that Rarity and Fluttershy have managed to agree on what constitutes an offense and what weight it should be given (as opposed to, say, Rarity and Applejack). It also gives a clue that Rarity is dominant in their relationship (since everything is calibrated to her preferences), and that Rarity may be unaware of this.
Two reviewers complained that this story was boring. But this stuff is exciting to me. This is the sort of slow-yet-absorbing opening that I’m jealous of Skywriter for being able to write.
That's why I love this story. It sets up suspense and conflict based almost entirely on the relationships between ponies. Not just shipping relationships, but relationships of power, affection, status, obligation, proof of worth, concern, and contrasting values. (Which, surprise, are a big part of real-life romances, if it’s shipping you want.)
And it's almost the only story in the competition that takes pony-pony relationships as its primary subject! There's one or two others that try to, but not as diversely, deftly, subtly, realistically, and precisely. There are very few short stories on fimfiction (possibly none) that describe three complex non-canon, non-shipping pony-pony relationships within their first few thousand words.
It was written by Axis of Rotation, who hasn’t published anything on fimfiction so far. He doesn't plan to complete the story, because he's using parts of it in another story.
Wait, he hasn't?
*checks his userpage to confirm, still doesn't believe*
I mean, he hasn't published to Fimfic, so I guess he has his reasons, which I ought to respect... but c'mon! He's no stranger to the write-off group. He entered Fluttershy and the Perilous Pegasus Peak in the Hearth's Warming Care Package competition, was a finalist, and tied for 4th out of 25 entrants. Given that that competition was intended for the target demographic, I suppose the character interactions were slightly more simplified than in The Ponies We Love, but it was still a really charming, lighthearted, uplifting story.
brb, harassing him into uploading
Hm. Okay, yeah, I see what you mean.
This accords with my belief that every line should do more than one thing. Of course, I'm a little put off by the fact that the author's writing a bit like Jesse and Frank's no-good brother, Henry.
Without any payoff, I have a hard time really liking it that much. I got to the bottom and hit the arrow over... and it went to a completely different story.
I would like to read the story it leads into... well, at least that the first parts of the story lead into... but honestly without the rest of it, it is hard to say it is all that good of a story.
1754471 It isn't a good story. It's good writing.
1754474
Anyway, as far as the writing goes, I did like the reinforcement of the characterization with the various characters, particularly Celestia.
That being said, while there were certainly some good passages in there, and it kept me interested enough to keep reading it, as a more wholistic thing, the scenes with Rarity and Fluttershy felt very disconnected from the Celestia/Luna and Twilight scene, like they were from separate stories almost. Not that they couldn't have all been tied together, but when none of the threads really did come together, I kind of felt like I was holding a mass of string, which I think negatively impacted my ability to really appreciate the writing as a more wholistic creature. So I can easily see why the people who read it found it frustrating, as it did not actually end up going anywhere.
When I read excerpts from, say, The Last Unicorn, while I have never read the book (and now have had the climax spoiled for me), I always got the feeling that it was a part of a larger whole; here, though, at the end, I wasn't really sure where it was going to go at all, and where it ended, it made it feel even more incomplete, partially because the Rarity/Fluttershy scene felt so disconnected from the others, which seemed to all be talking about isolation in their own ways. While I can definitely see some aspects of that theme in the Rarity/Fluttershy section, where Fluttershy's concerns are pushed away in favor of Rarity's, it really just doesn't... feel like a part of a whole work yet, I suppose.
1754497
Oops. Changed. No, none of the threads came together. It's just the beginning of a story.
I see what you're saying about The Last Unicorn, which has a consistent feel throughout. Not all books do, though. Aren't different plotlines sometimes marked off by different styles? I can't think of an example off-hand. The Trashcan Man's sections in Stephen King's The Stand are very different, I think. How about the Hobbit scenes vs. the Aragorn scenes in Lord of the Rings?
1754528
I'd have to think about that. It has been a while since I last read LOTR.
I can definitely think of works with major stylistic shifts in them, but those are primarily because of point of view rather than plot per se. Though there are movies I can think of where there are major shifts between plots - Love Actually is an example of such, and yet it all weaves together. Sort of.
Incidentally, I was looking at the contest results and was kind of curious - are the judging remarks preserved somewhere? I couldn't find them. I was curious about the most controversial ratings and suchlike.
Well, I hated it, so :P
1754563 The "judges" are just the contest entrants. Some of the wordy self-important ones, like me, left comments in the January write-off thread.
Switching styles for POV is more common, and that also covers this story.
1755255 It's a matter of taste. Some people don't like this kind of story at all.
1754497 1755255 1755346
Well, this is what happens when you post an incomplete story for a writing contest...for the second time. The first was the 2012/2013 New Years writeoff, and with 5th place things went off much better. Who knew this time, eh? But of course, the stories are completely different.
For all intents and purposes, I don't at all regret submitting. I've gotten tons of feedback, both in the writeoff thread and most especially here. It's brilliant. So thanks for this, Bad Horse. Reading through the comments here is like having my own review committee, and I don't know what I did to deserve it. Everything from "I liked it" to "I hated it" is totally helpful.
As the author I feel compelled to explain myself here, so let me help clear the air a bit--I'll try to be brief. The story is incredibly unfinished, to the point where it's not even a story yet. I don't blame anyone for finding it a ball of disconnected strings--at this point that's exactly what it is. Right now the Rarity parts have nothing to do with Twilight's scene, which only has a little to do with the Celestia/Luna scenes.
The purpose of the story was twofold. One: to write a very slice of life story. I wanted things to have that everyday, this could happen to anyone feel. Two: to illustrate a deep and personal revelation that I've gained in my limited life that when it comes to relationships, 1) those we love the most, often cause us the most grief, and 2) the only escape from that grief is forgiveness, because you cause those who love you just as much grief as they do to you. The answer isn't to wait until those who hurt you know what they did wrong and feel guilty about it and apologize--you'd be waiting forever, usually. The answer is to let go of the anger, resentment, and sense of injustice. To forgive. (And don't think I'm good at doing this, please).
So I was building a story where due to real life situations, each of the mane six were under high pressure, and then were thrown together, where they essentially tortured each other unconsciously with their own flaws. Rarity has very urgent aide to give; Twilight is under immense pressure to perform and be something that maybe she isn't, or isn't ready to be; Rainbow Dash is (or would be) also under pressure, some of it self imposed. AJ was going to have an emergency on her farm, and everyone would be thrown together when Fluttershy became incredibly ill. I wanted them forced in close quarters with each other, literally or metaphorically. The princesses would be intertwined with them, but would face their own set of interpersonal problems. The end? One of them decides to forgive, to just let the hope of fixing the other person go, and finds peace from the grief. The others would continue on, angry that the ones they care about, who aggravate and annoy and offend and hurt them, aren't changing. They'd all be miserable, and one of them wouldn't be.
So, there you have it. It would have continued in its present structure of brief scenes focusing on individuals or pairs or groups, getting more unified as things went on. The focus was the relationships between the mane six and the princesses.
I don't blame anyone for not "getting it" or just not liking it in general. I'm incredibly interested in seeing what people thought of the writing itself. Obviously for some it was too slow or boring, and that's completely fine. Thanks for all the feedback, guys. You've made this author incredibly happy.
1754333
Okay, to actually answer you, no I haven't published anything here, because I usually don't do writeoff's with the intention of uploading the story right away. Maybe way farther down the road, but not now, certainly. For the here and now I've got plans--ideas I want to put far more time and effort into, and then publish them. I want people to see my best. And while I give my best for each writeoff, it doesn't make it the best I can do period.
So that's why haha--but thanks for asking. And oh gosh you linked to that story. Well, at least you seemed to have liked it. I haven't read it in forever, and I think it's going to stay that way.
1755806
Just don't take forever. It took me practically a year and a half to get around to fixing Ch2 of a certain write-off fic until I was happy with it. Per a recent discussion a friend had with me, having room to grow as an author doesn't mean that your current level won't be thoroughly enjoyed by others.
1755878
Too true, and that's something I personally really have to watch out for. I tend to procrastinate a lot. It's one of the reasons I like the writeoffs, and always hope they become far more frequent--they help to keep me writing.
I liked it, for I think the same reasons as you did. I think it hit the right level of explanation, where the character's thoughts are clear, their relationships are laid bare, but the reader can infer things that the characters do not.
1755806
I liked it and would like to see the rest sometime. That rat is possessed or something, I'm intrigued.
1764403
Thanks :3 but I'm never finishing it haha as for the rat he was sick with a sort of cross-species type of plague.
Is there anyway to track this story?
1770511 No. He isn't going to finish it.
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