CinemaSins-style review of my own fanfic! · 4:14am Jan 13th, 2014
Yeah, you read that right. I'm counting the sins of Everything Has Changed.
Let's do this.
Everything Wrong With
Spoilers!
(duh)
Story named after that one Taylor Swift song. (1)
Yes, Scootaloo and Flash Sentry are siblings. Stop freaking out.
If you need to reassure your readers before you even begin the story, you have a problem. (2)
A few beads of sweat had formed on her forehead, and her cheeks were beginning to turn a pinkish hue.
Her face was soon glowing red and covered with sweat, and her teeth parted as she began to gasp for air.
How much time is this supposed to be? (3)
Her wings in particular were very sore after having worked harder than ever to lift their determined owner into the sky
"Harder than ever," except, oh, I don't know, every other time she's tried to fly. (4)
“I was so sure I was gonna do great this time!"
I don't mean to be a dick, but what exactly gave Scootaloo that impression? (5)
At the mention of the word “family,” Scootaloo's eyes shut tight as her body tensed up.
"Obvious family issues" cliché. (6)
More often than not, she felt like she'd never be able to live up to the expectations of her parents.
Oh, look, even more obvious family issues! (7)
“What are you doing here? And… did you really just run all the way from Canterlot to Ponyville?”
Wait, they couldn't just send a letter to Scootaloo by DerpyMail®? Did they seriously have to make Spike run all the way from Canterlot to Ponyville?! Couldn't he take the hot air balloon, or at least a train?! (8)
“Wow!” said Apple Bloom. “It's like one of those official letters from the princess!”
Thank you, captain obvious. Maybe you can get your cutie mark in obviousness. Or, in this case, obliviousness. (9)
“There’s a Royal Wedding?!” said Sweetie Belle.
“And you just got invited?!” said Apple Bloom.
“No way!” said Apple Bloom. “You're so lucky Scoots!”
Actually, at the rate Hasbro is making new princesses, pretty soon royal weddings will be nothing more than business as usual. (10)
“Princess Celestia cordially invites you to the royal wedding of Princess Twilight Sparkle and-”
The young pegasus felt her heart drop as she read the next name present on the scroll. As she looked away from the invitation, only two words escaped from her mouth.
“My brother?”
Oh, I get it. This is all just like that other royal wedding. Let's hope Celestia brought her mega-size magic bug spray for the inevitable changeling invasion. (11)
Dear Scootie:
Worst. Nickname. Ever. (12)
Also, another reference to that other royal wedding. (13)
“So, let me to get this straight,” said Rainbow Dash, who was now sitting next to her. “You have an older brother?”
Rainbow Dash, you are Scootaloo's older sister figure. Like, it should be your duty to know all about her. Did it seriously never cross your mind to find out anything about Scootaloo's actual family?! (14)
“And on top of that, he's getting married to Twilight now?”
Twilight is about to get married, which, is like the most important day of her life... and she never thought about telling her six closest friends?! I mean, even if she's spending all her time in Canterlot now that she's a princess, shouldn't she at least keep in touch with her friends through mail?! (15)
Everything's going to be just fine!”
Stupid reference to Magical Mystery Cure is stupid. (16)
The group of ponies who had arrived with the little orange filly suddenly stopped, shocked as she ran into the pegasus guard's open hooves. His coat was blue, while his mane was a reddish violet similar to Scootaloo's. Both father and daughter held their embrace for a minute, before the two broke off and turned to face everypony.
So, why have we never heard of any pegasus guards with a filly who lives in Ponyville? (17)
“I didn't want anypony to give me special treatment just because my family's so, well, awesome! I mean, I'm just a normal pony, and not that special, really...”
"Didn't want special treatment" cliché. (18)
“Your dad's a royal guard, and your brother is about to marry Twilight! What could possibly be more awesome than that?”
Rainbow Dash would never consider anything in the universe to be more awesome than her. (19)
“Oh wow, Scoots,” said Sweetie Belle. “I can't believe Spitfire's your mom!”
Scootaloo's mom is Spitfire?! As in the captain of the Wonderbolts?! Okay, that's just stretching the willing suspension of disbelief. (20)
Also, Scootaloo's family includes the following: a veteran guard, the captain of the Wonderbolts, and a young Elite Guard who is about to marry a princess. How the hell have we not heard of this anywhere?! I mean, we never heard of Shining Armor before, like, a day before he got married, but that's not the sort of thing that you should try to copy in your stories! (21)
“Sounds good to me,” said Rainbow. “You two go on. I'm gonna stay here and get to know your folks!”
"In other words, Scootaloo, I'm going to suck up to your mom in the hopes of one day getting her job." (22)
Nothing could make the blue-maned orange-yellow pegasus show any sort of emotion while he was on duty.
So he's a robot. Or Keanu Reeves. (23)
The surprised guard turned his head in surprise, and saw two highly recognizable individuals. One was his fiancee's faithful assistant, Spike. The other, much to his delight, was his sister.
"Oh, look, it's the one kid who'll probably enjoy making fun of my sister's stupid nickname the most. F*ck it, I'll still use that name!" (24)
“Yeah,” said Scootaloo, trying her best to not sound disappointed. “He's definitely something.”
Shouldn't somepony have noticed Scootaloo's disappointment by now?! (25)
“Yeah, I guess,” Flash said with a shrug. “Now, if you'll excuse me, Spike and I still have to sort out all the issues that were caused by that exploding hamster.”
“Oh, yeah,” said Spike, a bead of sweat forming on his forehead. “I wish we could all just forget about that.”
Spike and Flash casually reference an adventure that would've made a better story than this one. (26)
“So do I,” said Flash, before turning back towards Twilight and Scootaloo. “Why don't you two spend some time together? I hear that they’re making some really good treats over at the royal kitchen.”
Obvious plot device to get Twilight and Scootaloo to bond together while the boys go off to play Fighting is Magic. (27)
Scootaloo licked her lips in response to the smells emanating from the kitchen. She followed Twilight closely as the young alicorn walked in and greeted the ponies happily.
Scene does not include a royal lap-dance. (28)
“Princess Sparkle! We were not expecting to see you so soon!”
She's a princess, which by its very definition means that she can come in whenever the f*ck she wants. (29)
Twilight was practically a perfect pony now.
Adding awful alliteration is always atrociously agonizing. (30)
Perhaps in her youth things had been different. Even then, however, she had been talented enough to be noticed by Princess Celestia herself. As she grew older, she had performed feats of magic other unicorns could only dream of, and, with the help of her friends, she had managed to defeat two ancient evils and helped defeat another two. Not only that, but her leadership skills and knowledge were second only to the elder princesses.
Admittedly, one could make the case that she was not, for lack of a better term, the embodiment of perfection. She was just another unicorn, not a member of the royalty, and she preferred to associate herself with common ponies rather than the upper-class elite. But that had changed forever with her ascension to the status of alicorn princess, as she now had as much authority as Celestia, Luna, or Cadance.
Oh, I get it. The author is making fun of the fandom's angst over Twilicorn. (31)
“Me?” said Scootaloo. “Oh, you know, I’m just hanging out with the most perfect pony princess possible while she gets ready to marry Mister Perfect!”
More alliteration?! (32)
“Scoots, if ya don’t mind me asking, what’s really wrong? Every time anypony mentions your brother, you get all sad and grouchy.
And yet none of the adults have even begun to notice. (33)
“Wait, what?” said Apple Bloom. “A pegasus who’s afraid of heights who isn’t Fluttershy?”
Apple Bloom is a dick to Fluttershy. (34)
“But his fear of heights was so bad that he could barely even open his wings. Not only could he not fly, he didn't even want to try. In fact, he failed more flight exams than any other flyer in Cloudsdale, and was so scared of flying they actually started calling him Flash Won’t-try.”
How the hell did this guy manage to get so far ahead in life that he's now engaged to a princess?! (35)
Also, stupid nickname is stupid. Maybe that's why he enjoys giving Scootaloo that awful nickname? (36)
“Since the last time ya saw him, everything has changed, and that makes you upset.”
Oh look, a title drop! (37)
“You know, it might help ya if you actually talked to somepony about all this.”
Are you kidding me? The cutie mark crusaders get bullied at school all the time and nopony ever does sh*t. Why should this be any different? I mean, it's pretty obvious that Scootaloo is unhappy right now, and nopony except Apple Bloom seems to notice. (38)
Rarity, ever the romantic mare, had been making the most extravagant wedding dress ever for Twilight’s “perfect” wedding day.
Rarity still hasn't learned that Twilight likes simplicity. (39)
She also spent some time discussing how Rainbow would perform her Sonic Rainboom at the wedding, even though the young pegasus was much more interested in talking to Spitfire.
Apparently, Scootaloo can't be noticed by either her sister figure or her mother because
1- Rainbow's too interested in trying to suck up to Spitfire (40)
2- Spitfire's busy trying to get rid of Rainbow (41)
As they did, however, Twilight couldn’t help but notice the scowl on the orange filly’s face.
Has it seriously taken this long for Twilight to notice? I mean, she's been with Scootaloo the whole day! (42)
“Just one,” said Twilight. “She sort of ran away, though, so nopony ever hears about-”
Twilight would rather make a reference to Equestria Girls than listen to Scootaloo's problems. (43)
Also, a reference to Equestria Girls. (44)
“No, you listen! You were very good, but you weren’t so good that everypony else got left behind! But now, you’re an alicorn, so there’s no way you can hide the fact that you’re better than everypony else! You’ve changed, and everything you could possibly have needed your friends for means nothing, because now you can do everything all by yourself!”
And once again, the author's mockery of the Twilicorn haters is about as subtle as Twilight's newly-developed wingboners. (45)
“And that’s not all! I’ve had to live my whole life listening to everypony talk about how amazingly good my parents are! My dad is one of the best members of the Canterlot Elite Guard, and my mom is the captain of the freaking Wonderbolts! And everypony, especially them, look at me, expecting me to one day be as good at them when I can barely move one foot off the ground!”
Jeez, if you're really that stressed, why haven't you run away from home yet? (46)
And with that, Scootaloo burst into tears. She had always felt vastly overshadowed by her parents, but never by her brother. He had always been the one who was there to comfort her when she was feeling powerless. But not anymore.
"Abandoned by the one person who you could always trust" cliché. (47)
The little filly's eyes opened in shock as she realized who had spoken.
“F-Flash?” she asked weakly.
How the hell did she not hear him approaching?! (48)
“I'm a pegasus that can't fly. Just like a chicken.”
That joke was funny for a week, maybe. Now it's just cruel. (49)
“If you’re a chicken, then why aren’t you afraid of heights?”
Seriously, Flash? Of all the things you could have said, you had to choose the dorkiest one of all? (50)
But other than me getting into the Elite Guard and falling in love with Twilight, what’s really changed about me?”
Nothing, Flash. You'll always be that guy from Equestria Girls who stole our waifu. (51)
“Things change, sis. But just because things change doesn't mean everything's going to be completely different.
Oh great. Now Flash is speaking in the author's voice. (52)
The young guard grinned at his little sister as a smile bigger than any he'd ever seen on her face was formed. She wrapped her hooves around her brother, hugging him as tightly as she could.
"Hey, onii-chan? I know I hated you a few minutes ago, but can you teach me how to fly? (53)
“Only if you only use that nickname when nopony else is looking, and especially not on an invitation to a royal wedding.”
“I hope you’re happy now, Scootie.”
"Yeah, but I still like that nickname, so it will always be there to annoy you." (54)
There was no doubt for anypony involved that this day was going to be perfect.
Oh goody, another reference to that other royal wedding. Changeling invasion in 3... 2... 1... (55)
“Pshh, yeah,” Scootaloo scoffed. “We have, like, four princesses, the Elements of Harmony, and even Discord! There’s no way anything can cause trouble!”
I know Discord was reformed and everything, but there is no way he's gonna lift a finger- hoof- whatever. He's not gonna give a f*ck if Twilight's wedding day gets ruined. (56)
“Is that so?” Scootaloo asked mischievously. “Then who am I supposed to give my friendship report to?”
Congratulations, Scootaloo, you just won a 1000-year vacation to the moon. (57)
“I've learned that you should never assume the worst when someone close to your heart undergoes big changes in their life. Even if they have changed drastically on the outside, on the inside they will almost always be the same as they've always been, and they will always value the relationship they have with you. So you should never feel angry or resentful over things that are supposed to make you happy, like when a close friend suddenly grows wings, or your brother becomes a high-ranking guard, or when said close friend and brother suddenly end up in a relationship together.”
Or if a fanfic author tries to make you change your mind about Twilicorn, Flash Sentry, and/or Equestria Girls. (58)
Her brother, for whom everything had changed.
Another title drop! (59)
Everything was going to be fine.
Oh, look, Magical Mystery Cure reference. Does this mean that Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom will have their blank flanks traded for each other's blank flanks? (60)
Fanfic Sin Tally: 60
Sentence: To be forgotten by everyone while its older brother gets all the attention.
That was at least as fun as I thought it would be 
That was absolutely hilarious.
Ten out of ten rainbows
