Sometimes I hate everything · 1:31am Sep 4th, 2013
I don't even know why I'm making this journal, but I feel compelled to.
Like the title says, sometimes I hate everything. So many of you have tried to be good to me and it means so much to me. But for every one of you, then are about 3-5 people who see me as a source for enjoyment, and don't actually know what I feel. So many people who complain that the world is cruel and evil while they have so many things I don't, even the gall to say they have a loving family to me, and still wish to die.
I feel like my stories actual points, their actual reasons for being, are lost to the aether. As though all the heart and effort I put into them are mere shadows the the things that stick out in people minds.
I sometimes hate being me, being so nice. I've been homeless for a year, and without true family all my life. My mother was neurotic, angry, harsh. She literally said to me during the later parts of my life that I was a disappointment because I had a form of autism that prevented me from succeeded like her sister's children. She wanted me to be something she could rub in their faces, to use to say she was a good mother.
All my family was terrible for reasons I can't begin to explain. I was never physically beat, but I'd take a thousand lashes for the comfort of a kind word said with sincerity, with a real voice. One word to block out the thousands and thousands of hateful words that swim through my head, making it so everything I see is ugly and distorted.
I can't even read my own stories without seeing messes, piles of words hastily thrown together in a poor attempt to say something greater than myself.
I sit here, in my room, papers and words upon words upon words surrounding me, reminding me. I am 21, I have no job, I have no education. It feels like I have no future. My voice cracks each time I speak, hoarse from lack of use, as I have no one to speak to, no one I can go to for a time away from everything that burns at my insides.
I have a loving father, but even this is a warped parody of what we see in the lies scociety crafts on the Christmas and holiday specials presented to us year after year. He gives me a home, some of the most delicious food I've ever tasted. But his heart is fractured, his body and mind in disrepair. He drinks his woes away sometimes, and I am his shoulder as he wonders why, with his body of half a man and half a woman, why it is so many 'normal' people, and even those 'on his side' hate him so.
Life seems frozen in place, at least my life. I have nowhere to go, nowhere to be, yet I run ragged trying to find a place. And what do I have to come back to? People who crave my time, crave for me to make them happy with no question to what it is I want.
I'm tired of getting sympathy I don't ask for, tired of giving sympathy to those I would trade lives with in a second. I'm tired of my words being hideous creations in my eyes and ears.
And more than anything, I'm just tired.
I can offer cuteness? fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/056/3/9/baby_cutie_mark_crusaders_by_beavernator-d4qvz6x.png
Sorry, all I can offer you is my support like I always have. I know life feels crappy right now, and you should never have to go through any of this crap. But I'm sure there is a light at the end of that tunnel.
I'm here, for what it's worth, my friend.
I have absolutely no clue as to what you're going through, but for what it's worth I have tried to comprehend what you've experienced to no avail. I can say that to a lesser degree I know what it's like. To have harsh words thrown at you, to be friendless and being pushed and shoved by your parents to do great things that you haven't the slightest interest in. If you need support I'll try and be there for you as much as possible. And if you wanted to just go and leave right now and never come back, I'm okay with that and I'd forgive you if you did. It's nothing much, but I'm sorry...
I know we haven't spoken for a while now, but you still have me my brother. Don't ever forget that.