Fixing "Equestria Girls," Part 2 · 3:32am Jul 23rd, 2013
So, having spent enough time bitching about Equestria Girls, I think it's probably time to get onto the meaty bits: how I would have written it, if I'd had the time.
Yes, I know, this is the realm of pretension and hubris. I don't know what constraints were placed on the editing team. I don't know what requirements were put on the writers. I don't know if they were told to keep the film to the minimum necessary for a theatrical release or if they could have run to two hours if they'd had the chance. They may have been given incredibly tight timelines, or they may have been working on this for years. I don't know. All I do know is this is what I'd have presented if I'd been given a chance.
Act 1: Twilight and the girls arrive at Canterlot for Twilight's coronation, and Celestia greets them and invites them to be well and get ready for the ceremony. The girls all gossip a bit about how great it will be to rub hooves with royalty, and Twilight expresses her hesitation at being charged with that kind of responsibility. They tell her that she'll be fine, but she expresses her doubts and talks about how it was fine when she was asking her friends to stand with her, but it'll be different when she's trying to lead ponies she doesn't even know. The Mane Six say she'll be fine, and Twilight lies down to go to sleep.
Come morning, the girls are awoken by a panicking Twilight, who can't find the Element of Magic. The girls and Canterlot's guards up-end the castle, and soon discover a pair of guards out cold from a sleep spell, not far from a door that looks like it's been broken from the inside-out. Twilight steps inside to find a necklace bearing a pendant with three cracked gems, lying next to a mirror. As Twilight picks up the spent artifact and starts to examine it, Celestia speaks from the doorway, informing them that it's the Unity Charm, or at least it was: an artifact crafted at the founding of Equestria to serve as a symbol of community between the three pony races. Twilight says she's read about it, but didn't it get stolen, and how did it end up here like this? Celestia tells the girls that they should follow her, and all will be explained.
In the throne room, Celestia reveals that Twilight Sparkle was not her first student. She regularly brought ponies into her retinue if they showed great promise in their respective fields, and with Nightmare Moon's eminent return, she needed somepony at hoof who understood the nature of friendship and the magic therein. Her previous student, Sunset Shimmer, showed even more natural promise than Twilight did, especially when it came to artifacing and large-scale ritual, but she always saw the other students as tools to get ahead, not ponies in their own right. She would be nice, pleasant, even kind, when it served her, and then when the relationship didn't, she would just drop it and walk away. When Celestia confronted her about the damage she was doing, Sunset Shimmer quit her apprenticeship, but instead of leaving Canterlot, she disappeared, as did the last thing she was studying: the Unity Charm.
Twilight asks about the mirror, and Celestia says that it's enchanted to serve as a scrying mirror and a portal, designed during Discord's first reign to search out hope and let them open portals to those in need, to try to bring them to safety, but that opening it took massive amounts of magical energy, more than even Sunset Shimmer could have hoped to manage on her own. Twilight holds up the Charm and asks if this could have done it. If it had enough magic to help found Equestria, maybe it had enough to open that portal. Celestia nods, but she's frowning. The Unity Charm was more than just a symbol of Equestrian harmony; it was imbued with the power to calm the tensions between the pony races. With its breaking, Equestria itself might follow. Twilight's mission to recover her crown has just become a mission to, once again, save Equestria, this time from itself.
Act 2: After a day of feverish research, Twilight determines that the mirror can be opened with a massive outpouring of magic, but tuning it to Sunset will take somepony who knows her well enough to pick her out of a crowd. Celestia, knowing she's the only one who can, agrees to participate, and asks Luna and Cadence to do so as well. Twilight explains that once the portal is open, she and the other girls will have to slip through, find the crown, figure out how to repair the Unity Charm, and deal with whatever Sunset Shimmer has waiting for them. Celestia reminds her that time is of the essence, and everypony agrees to their part. With the three alicorns providing the energy normally reserved for moving the sun, the moon, and the equine heart, the remaining Elements focus that outpouring on the mirror, and Twilight casts her spell. The mirror cracks open, then tears into a vortex, sucking through the Mane Six before they can protest, dumping them in a storage room, in front of an identical looking mirror, once again closed... and leaving them all as humans.
After the obligatory panic sequence in which the girls freak out about their new appearance, Pinkie quickly pulls them all together and reminds them of their mission and that they're all still ponies on the inside. Fluttershy reminds them to stay quiet and get everything over as quickly as possible. Rainbow says they can do this in ten seconds flat. Twilight squares her shoulders, scrambles forward on all fours, and promptly falls over. The girls then take another few minutes to adjust to being on two legs, only to have a janitor come in and tell them that they've got no business being there, driving the girls out into the building: Canterlot High School.
The school, unlike Equestria, is loaded with cliques, and each of the girls quickly blends into one of the camps: Rarity into the drama students, Pinkie into the party crew, Fluttershy into the eco-geeks, Applejack to the ropers, Rainbow into the jocks, and Twilight into the nerds. There they each individually find out that each of the other cliques is planning on making a demonstration of just who's in charge on Homecoming Night, and asking "the new kid" to take part in a show of group solidarity. They all find out, also, that Sunset Shimmer is the principal of the school, and that she's totally "one of us," and has our back to pull this stunt.
After school, the girls meet back up to compare notes and find out that everyone thinks Sunset Shimmer favors their particular group, and that something big is going to go down in two nights, but before they can talk, the group is split up by other members of the various factions each confronting the others angrily and demanding the girls each go off with their respective cliques. They're all given dressing-downs by various people in charge and told that they should stick with their own. "You can't trust the outsider; they don't understand you like I understand you," is the common message each of them gets. When the Mane Six protest to their respective camps, they're each told of the misdeeds the others have caused: the ropers trashed a play, the jocks tore up a newly-planted forest, the nerds set off a fire alarm in the middle of a party, et cetera. They're each encouraged to double down on their respective commitments to The Big Event, and -- showing the first signs of greyness as under Discord -- they all agree.
Act 3: The following morning, Twilight tries to get the girls back together, but each of the other Mane Six hesitate to talk with her, afraid of being seen in the company of a "nerd." Twilight confronts them, but they each say that they've found a group that really understand them and that she should be happy she's got a clique of her own and should just go back to them. Shocked at this rejection, Twilight opts to go directly to the principal's office, to confront Sunset Shimmer and ask her what she's done to the school. Sunset Shimmer, realizing immediately who Twilight must be, but she opts to humor the student and invites her to take a walk.
"Friendship is Magic," Sunset says. "Isn't that what we're taught? Hasn't that been the message from day one? And yet... what if the reverse is true as well? What if magic is _made_ of friendship?" She then proceeds to explain that the thing that held her back, as Celestia's student, was her unwillingness to engage in emotional entanglements with other ponies. They were there to research, not to befriend, and that meant that she was forever limited... until her epiphany. As much as friendship created magical effects, magic could draw on friendship directly to power its effects. Overdone, that might lead to needing friendship to survive, since life itself was magical, but she'd learned after years of study how to temper that effect, and the students of the school were a perfect testbed for her theories. She factionalized the school, which gave her not only a chance to increase the amount of friendship between individual members, but it also let her study the effects of other emotions on magic.
This world, you see, is a magic-poor one, as Twilight must have released. She burned out most of the magic in the Unity Charm getting through the portal the first time, looking for any place where friendship was high and obligations were low. She got pulled to this school, only to find she had no way back, and no way to power the mirror. It took her ten years to get far enough to extract magical energy from the friendships at the school, and another ten to temper the relationships at the school to provide enough power to charge up the Charm enough to reopen the portal, once, on a night most of the school was hyped up and eager: homecoming pep rally. The next one would be homecoming night itself, and after that, nothing for a year.
As Sunset leads Twilight into the basement of the school, Twilight tells her that her factionalizing the school broke the Charm, that it couldn't survive on the kinds of energy she was generating, and Sunset says she knows, and that's why she came back, looking for a better power source. She came through the gate looking for anything more powerful than the Unity Charm was, and she grabbed the first thing she found. Twilight tells her that she's stolen the Element of Magic, and that Sunset's not only left Equestria near-defenseless, but that with the loss of the Unity Charm, she's probably condemned it to failure as well.
That's when Sunset Shimmer opens the door to the boiler room and shows Twilight the hideous steam-powered contraption she's built on top of the school's heater, on top of which sits the Element of Magic. With the amount of friendship stored in that crown, along with the power that'll be unleashed on Homecoming, she'll be able to tear that portal wide open and go tell Celestia where she can stuff her precious friendship lessons.
Twilight makes a dash for the crown, but Sunset's bigger than she is and has had twenty years of practice at not being a pony, and she grabs Twilight and drags her off, locking the boiler room behind her. As Twilight says she won't get away with this, Sunset shrugs and says she already has, once, and two days isn't enough time to stop her. She posts guards at the top of the stairs leading to the basement and tells them she's afraid of students sabotaging the boiler room for Homecoming night, and that extra precautions should be taken.
The rest of that day goes by in a haze, with Twilight watching her friends from a distance as they each sink further into their respective cliques, seemingly forgetting their past friendship in favor of the new one. She can see each of them looking back at her, briefly frowning with longing, and then turning back to their new friends. Cue sad music and montage. This lasts until one of the nerds approaches Twilight and offers genuine friendship and a chance to talk about what's wrong. Twilight screws up her face, nods, and goes to explain everything.
Act 4: Twilight reveals to Powder Flash, chemistry geek and head of the nerds, that she used to be friends with a bunch of others, but since getting to this school, it's like they've all been sucked into their respective cliques and now she can't even get them to talk to her. Powder shrugs, but then pulls out a photo of himself and two of his friends from junior high who've gone into their own clubs with whom he never speaks. He says that's just what high school does to people, push them apart into their groups where they belong. Twilight rejects this angrily, saying it doesn't have to be like this, and that she's from a place where it's not, but if she ever wants to get back, she needs her friends back. Powder says that after Homecoming, that probably won't happen.
Twilight asks what he means by this, and he says "remember that big thing I said we were planning? We've treated the disco-ball with light-sensitive chemicals. When the spotlight hits it, it'll burst on fire." Twilight's eyes go wide and says that'll hurt people! Powder pauses, for a moment, then insists that it's just a prank and the sprinklers will put it out soon enough, but it'll prove the superiority of the nerds over those C-grade dinks. Twilight starts to panic, but then she clamps down and says she needs to talk with the party punks, and now.
Grabbing Powder Flash, she goes and hunts down Pinkie and their plans to decorate for the party. Pinkie at first hesitates, but then Twilight reveals the plans the geeks have been making and asks if they're doing anything similar. She appeals to her past friendship with Pinkie and says if they're ever going to get home, they have to overcome their differences. Pinkie reveals that they've loaded up the sprinkler system with pink dye so they'll ruin the drama kids' clothes. Twilight eyes Powder, who stammers that their prank was kind of bad, but that's a lot of money. Pinkie hangs her head, then looks at Twilight, and the two nod. They proceed through the drama kids, the eco-geeks, the ropers, and the jocks, at each pass revealing plans to break the previous group's spirit, which had everything gone off would have culminated with all-out riots.
Gathering everyone on the front of the school, Twilight and her friends reveal all of the plans, telling the student body that they've been manipulated into hating each other. "You were all friends once, weren't you?" she implores. "Maybe you weren't all best at sports or good in math, but you all knew what it was like to be friends with people who weren't like you. You've forgotten what it was like, what overcoming your differences was like. Yes, it's hard, and it's a little scary, but when you stop thinking outside your little groups, you start thinking maybe it's okay to hurt one another to make a point. It doesn't have to be that way. You can all be friends." She turns to the rest of the Mane Six, who're at this point hugging and crying and apologizing to each other. "We can all be friends."
The student body of Canterlot High School is quiet for several seconds, but when it roars next, it does so in a single voice. "Bring it down!" they cry. "Destroy the school!" Twilight stares in mortification at what she's done. "What happened?" Sunset Shimmer steps out from behind a statue, wide-eyed and tearful. "It's the machine," she says. "It's out of control, converting all the friendship into unbound magical power. I have to go stop it. This... this isn't what I wanted. I wanted to prove a theory, but... now I'm going to get a bunch of innocents hurt." The girls look at each other, then back to Twilight, and the once-and-future-alicorn nods. "We'll help you. Lead the way." The Mane Six then start to run interference, helping Sunset get down to the boiler room, but when they get there, the machine is at full power, and it blasts Sunset as soon as she walks in. In an instant, Sunset is transformed.
"You naive foals," the changed Sunset sneers in the Nightmare's voice overlaid with her own. "Power is its own reward! I don't need friends, and I don't need you!" The heads of the various factions, having followed the Mane Six into the boiler room, are changed as well. "Go! Spread chaos!" The seconds of each faction team up to stop them, but the action stays focused on the girls, who are about to get blasted by Sunset. Cue fireball, magical girl transformation, and pony ears.
With her newly-found wings, Twilight takes off for the crown, while the rest of the girls harry and distract Sunset Shimmer. As soon as her hands touch it, the lights in her eyes snap on, as do the rest of the Elements, and their regalia join their attire. When the rainbow launches from their chests, it hits not Sunset, but the machine she built. Its power gone, Sunset and the faction heads are restored, who all look rather sheepish and unhappy with each other. Sunset sinks to her knees and sobs. "It wasn't supposed to be like that. It wasn't ever supposed to be like that. I didn't... I didn't know. I didn't understand."
"No, you didn't, but that's okay," Twilight tells her. "You can always start learning. Your school needs you." Accompanied by the mane six and the faction heads, Sunset proceeds to the balcony overlooking the front yard, where the school is currently still in half-hearted acts of violence against itself. Sunset looks at Twilight and says she doesn't know what to say. Twilight nods, then steps forward with her and coaches her through a speech to the student body, asking them to look past their differences and understand their commonalities, to see diversity as strength, to see the humanity in everyone.
Twilight holds up the Unity Charm, which has been restored thanks to all the free-floating energy focused by Sunset's speech. Sunset apologizes to Twilight again for all the trouble. She has a lot to make up for, and a lot of ground to repair. She asks if she's too old to be a student again, that she has a lot to learn. Twilight says she's sure Celestia will be glad to see her again. They go to the mirror, and find it open, the combined blast from the Elements and the unleashed repressed friendship from ten years of manipulation having triggered it. Twilight and the mane six then return home, triumphant, Sunset Shimmer beside them.
Denoument: Twilight delivers the same speech at her coronation that Sunset delivered to the school. Cadence catches Sunset muttering the words a second ahead of Twilight in the balcony and asks her how she knows it. Sunset smiles, wipes her eyes, and says she'd heard it once before, at the dress rehearsal. Cadence introduces introduces herself and asks Sunset who she is. Sunset says she's Celestia's and Princess Twilight's new student, Sunset Shimmer.
That would have made for a *much* better movie, IMO.
Holy fixfic! I like your ideas here, but I would argue that this post doesn't so much fix "Equestria Girls" as build an entirely different film on the same foundation. Just out of curiosity, how would you have actually fixed the existing product? Or is the complete gut-and-rebuild listed here the only hope for this movie?
> As much as friendship created magical effects, magic could draw on friendship directly to power its effects. Overdone, that might lead to needing friendship to survive…
I c what u did thar, miss clever pony who is most assuredly not a changeling.
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*bzzt* Don't know what you're talking about. Is the electrical in here bad?
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That's an excellent question. When I started this exercise, I was really trying to take the essence of Equestria Girls -- ponies in a human dimension, magical-girl transformations, high school shenanigans, and a possible first crush -- and shuffle it around so it wasn't quite so... problematic. Unfortunately, the core plot really doesn't feel like it holds up. In the end, it just felt easier to rebuild using the intent and designs than it was to unbend the original story idea.
That would have made a lot more sense. Not to mention the possibilities of not only the show but fanfiction writing as well. I could really make some material from this.
Now that I think about it, Equestria Girls had the opposite effect of its message. Instead of uniting us through our differences, it separated us through our opinions.
The vision shall rise.
Having read through the whole thing, and taken some time to think about it, I'd have to say that your version would make for a much stronger, internally self-consistent plot than the movie.
I'm not going to say it would make for a more ENJOYABLE movie, as I watched the same movie you did and enjoyed it; that kind of thing is extremely subjective.
I will say that sending all six through the mirror would likely make things much less fun, as we lose most of the "interacting with a parallel version of a close friend" aspect; without that, the only way to tell that it is a parallel world (or a mirror world, it could be called... but that's an essay for later) would be the background characters/extras with distinctive visual styles. (Derpy, Photo Finish, etc) which, honestly, I don't see as being worth the effort for an easily missed background joke.
HOWEVER! I do see some serious weaknesses with your story. The lesser problem is how you described the Mane Six drifting away from each other, becoming 'Discorded'. Even outside of all six knowing about the 'divide and conquer' trick as played by a master, even Discord couldn't even BEGIN to turn Fluttershy against the others without resorting to use his magic on her. This might be explained by Sunset Shimmer using her magic to-
Oh wait; this world has much lower ambient magic, and Sunset Shimmer is conserving her magic for her big spell, so that wouldn't work. And while we're at it, if Sunset Shimmer is established as the principal, why doesn't she just turn Twilight Sparkle over to the police as a vagrant? Letting the only one that knows her full plan deal with the results of having no official records would keep her from interfering.
But those are the minor issues. The big issue with the story as presented? Well, as a better author than I once said, and repeatedly at that:
So what all does the story need to pause for, so the characters can explain stuff to each other for the benefit of the audience? Well, here's a list:
The importance of the Unity Charm
Celestia's plans and preparations for Nightmare Moon's return
Sunset Shimmer's history, abilities, and personality
The mirror's history, abilities, and limitations
Six plans for the factions' epic pranks
Six backstories for the factions' conflicts
This world's low levels of ambient magic
Detailing how friendship = magic, and what that means here
What Sunset Shimmer's been doing to rule this school
Sunset Shimmer's plan (which sounds a lot more like "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." than "Push the button.")
And with all that out of the way, maybe we can get to the sort of slice-of-life interaction between such well developed and relatable characters that makes the 4th gen of My Little Pony so gr-
What? It's time for the big confrontation and action-packed climax? Well, I don't have any complaints about what you put there, but getting to that point apparently requires a LOT of explaining and exposition, even if some of it could be made more interesting to watch with things like flashbacks and animated diagrams of the pranks.
I'll certainly agree that Equestria Girls didn't do a good job of explaining a lot of itself, but your fix seems to err in the other direction fairly severely.