Beware the pipeline · 4:11pm March 31st
At BABSCon now; will have a retrospective blog posted soon. But in the meantime, something important I wanted to share.
In August last year, I posted a blog talking about how I feel I’m “not transgender”. Everyone in the comments were supportive (and thank you so much for that). I should’ve felt satisfied and proud about that. I should’ve felt happy to be able to express my “true” identity.
But deep inside my core…
…I wasn’t. I felt an odd emptiness. Like I had drawn up a conclusion based on the objective facts presented before me. But had I really listened to what was in my heart?
I’m not out to most of the IRL world. I can deal with being called a man, or “sir”. I can deal with my blocky face, my deep voice, and my stubbornly indelible beard shadow. I can continue to function, even thrive.
I can hide my dysphoria. Very well. But what I cannot deny, is that it exists.
It took me a while to admit this discomfort and anguish I was feeling inside was, is, gender dysphoria.
I have done very little physical transition. How much I want to transition is still a question. I have to weigh the risks/benefits of medical procedures, how much I’m willing to sacrifice from my current life, and getting past my deep self-hatred and internalized transphobia.
The biggest obstacle to embracing my true identity has always been myself.
I am incredibly lucky to be living in the Bay Area, almost objectively, the most trans-friendly place in the United States. My therapist, the few friends I’ve come out to, and my mom, have all been very supportive of me and kind to me—too kind to me, I feel sometimes. I imagine if I were talking to me as another person, I would tell her to just “go for it, be who you are!”
I want to be freed from the restrictions of this body. I want to feel like I can be anything I want be, truly anything.
Unlike some transfem people, I don’t “feel” like a woman. I never did. I wish I could become a girl, I long for it, but I know it will never be true. I still cannot accept that “If you think you’re a woman, you are a woman.” Because I don’t feel that way.
And perhaps as long as I believe that, no matter how many treatments and surgeries I get, no matter how flawless I look and sound, I will never “be” or “feel like” a woman.
But in spite of all my fears and misgivings, I feel a relief to accept who I am. To admit it to myself. To talk with people about it. Maybe I’m not ready to say I’m “proud” to be who I am. But I accept it.
I probably have more to say, and feel free to DM me if you'd like to chat more, but I wanted to get this out for today, a very important day, to maybe share a relatable experience to anyone reading this. Thank you. 
Now I'm going to go enjoy the rest of BABSCon :3
I always do my part to respect other people’s choice of pronouns. However for me, I still can’t confidently answer the pronoun question. When asked, I refuse to disclose. When meeting in-person, she/her can paradoxically feel dysphoric, because it reminds me of the visible and audible incongruence in my body. One of the many things I’ve discussed with my therapist.
They/them is a safe choice pronoun that I feel the most “neutral” about, even if I don’t feel like it’s “me”. But I’m not the pronoun police. Just treat me with respect and we’re cool.
I, too, suffer from indelible shadow beard complex, and I can confirm it is a pain. I hope that whatever you decide, you are happy with it. As long as that happens, you shouldn't worry about fitting into any definitions. Good luck and have fun at BABSCon!
The idea that I'll never pass also gets me down sometimes. But, I also know that estrogen does do more than you might expect.
But good luck on the continuing identity journey. It's also good that you started it!
Wanna know a secret? <_< Neither do I.
I'm going full femme, transitioning at breakneck pace, because I can't deal with being male-identified, and "You can be a girl if you want" was enough for me. But the deeper I go down the femininity rabbit hole, the more I'm finding it doesn't really suit me. Which, y'know, could at least be partially defeatism since I've got 40 years of learning to undo and it's only been two, and I ain't any good at this shit alongside being, like, really eager to just change body already goddammit >:B
But it's not easy. I don't feel like I have the luxury to live in some middle area, mostly because no one's going to identify me as not-male unless my presentation is screaming "SHE/HER, MOTHERFUCKER". (Not to mention, zero example of how one actually lives that way.) But I do know a lot of people who are quite androgynous in their presentation despite being on a 'normal' feminizing hormone regimen. There's nuance out there, is what I'm saying, You don't have to be a girl if you don't want to, you can be anything, but you also have to figure out what that means for yourself.
Which.
Hoo boy.
Not easy. :(
5774406
If you want to get the beard shadow removed, you can always try laser hair removal--I just started that. There's also ways to hide it with makeup
5774413
I hope that the treatment is going well for you!
5774460
Congrats on going full femme! Those are all difficult thoughts you mention. I used to think there was a clear distinction between, say a crossdresser/femboy and a trans person, and that you're either one or the other and you pick a side. Now I feel like the lines are lot more blurred than the media makes it out to be.
5774494
Yes! If I've learned one thing, it's not to trust common knowledge about anything. we're vastly underserved when it comes to understanding like, anything at all. :B