Mental Condition Blog Entries

I will talk more about my mental condition from now on. I am not sure how most of my followers will react to this, when I often write blog entries like this that aren't about my writing or Equestria analysis, but about my mental health. But you don't need to read these kinds of blog entries if you find them annoying or even feel of them as drama, I won't demand this from you, so if you don't want to read them, just ignore them.
I also never was someone to put myself out there like that, talk about my mental health and about things that weigh me down in public, other than maybe a vague notion that I feel depressed or stressed. But I have become more open in the last few years and more confident about being true to myself in public. And I want to talk more open about myself. This is a confidence that I owe to large parts her, to my friend who just..... went into distance from me.
And I also need to put this somewhere. I need to put it out, the feelings, my emotions over all this, because I feel that bottling them inside of me would end very badly. I need to talk about this, outside of my private sphere, to stay sane. After what happened yesterday, I need this. And maybe I can avoid a professional mental therapy by doing this. I don't like psychologists making assumptions about my mental problems and the cause of them and I feel a great deal of concern that they could give me advice that harms me and just makes me feel worse. Or that they read into what I say and explain them, come to the wrong conclusions, think I'm nuts and get me locked up in an institution. Here where I live, psychologists can do that without your agreement if they believe that you're a danger to yourself or others. I'd rather not take that risk, that a psychologist uses their opinion about me to lock me up. I will seek professional mental help if I need to and absolutely nothing else helps. But for now, I want to try it like this. So I will talk a lot about my mental condition here in the future.

Before I start, I want to do something special. It seems a little cheesy to do that, and silly (silly isn't bad, though, it's fun and makes the day easier), but I feel emotional and sentimental and nostalgic about this and so I want to. In every blog entry where I talk about my mental condition and about my friend and her distancing (I really, really hope it won't be permanent, I just want her back) from me, I will include the picture of a little plush squid that I bought today. The squid has two faces, one is happy, the other one is unhappy. And you can fold each side of them in, so that you either see the happy or the unhappy face. It's even possible to fold the squid in a way that both faces are visible. And I will show them either with the happy or the unhappy face, depending on it how the situation with my friend progresses, whether it still looks bleak or if the chance of her return and of rekindling with her has gotten better.
This squid plushie is very important. I and her, we saw these plushies when I could visit her in the States in January of last year, she liked those squid plushies a lot and I did, too, and we had a lot of fun with them in the store we went to. This is one of the moments we had together during my visit that I remember the most. One of the many happy moments we had during these two weeks..... I took the squid on impulse and then I got this idea. This squid will be in each of these blog entries.
This is a coping mechanism, but it's also a way of measuring the chance of her return and of showing how well this goes. It's a cute idea, feels wholesome and makes me cherish the good memories of the time I spent with her even more. How close we are to this goal of reuniting will be shown by Squiddy.

So, today, it still looks bleak, just as bleak as yesterday. It's the day after it happened, it's not even two full days since she blocked me in Discord and on Steam and I already miss her terribly..... I want her to return, to give us more chance, but right now, this does not look to be on the horizon and probably won't be anytime soon. So today, Squiddy is unhappy:

I feel a little better than yesterday. Going out, buying a wreath and a Hearth's Warming calendar, some ordinary groceries and some extra food (waaaaay to expensive, for more money than I normally buy food for, I even bought sushi (!), I need to be very careful now that I won't develop such a drastic eating habit over this that I endanger myself financially by spending all of my emergency savings), as well as the fresh air (very fresh and cold today), helped to distract me. But what helped the most was resolve. I felt more spark of confidence today, I said I won't give our friendship up and will try to improve and fix things again and not stop this until it works. We've been through so much, for more than 7 years, and fate never meant it easy for our friendship for most of the time we knew each other. There were almost always obstacles, that we didn't ask for and didn't anticipate and that put our friendship on strain and created challenges for us. It's cruel and not fair. That's why I won't accept it. I will fight for our friendship. I fought for it so much already and I will keep doing that. Reinforcing this resolve has made it better. I will not give up. I will find a way to bring us together again, on happy terms and with wholesomeness.
And I have also decided that I won't be going on a hiatus. Not even a semi-hiatus. I will take breaks if I need to, if it gets too much, but I will not go on a prolonged period where I do nothing. I will do what I can and feel able to. She doesn't like it when I let any friendship obstacles we encounter stop me from working. Especially if she blocks me. We had several crisis moments when stress and tensions got so big that she blocked me temporarily. This has happened because of traumatic events in her past from before we met and when I said or did things that unintentionally triggered her. I was not..... reacting to any of these situations in a good way. It always made me scared and panicking when she did this, so I showed reactions and said things that made her unblock me again out of concern for my wellbeing. I regret this deeply. I could never help it, fear of losing her just made me react in such ways that stressed her and I was not able to control that, except for one single time when I managed to resolve a block in a calm way, but I regret it deeply. I have gotten better at this, although it's still far from perfect as I had to realize yesterday. And when she blocked me, it also made me become inactive for a while each time, because it weakened me mentally, and then she felt guilty. Eventually, she told me that she doesn't want to keep me up from the things I care about and that are important to me, particularly, my writing. And I don't want her to feel guilty. So I will continue with my activities, my writing, my analysis, my Twitter accounts (Main, Brony Retweets 2.0 and Daily Crusaders) and do as much as I can and feel able to.

Today was still tough, though. My right hoof was shaking strongly while I was outside and sought distraction. After I bought the squid plushie and when I was in another store and in line at the cash desk to buy a package of sparklers for the holidays, a girl behind me said "Oh, look, how cringe!" to the other girl who was with her. And I knew she meant the squid plushie I was holding by that, because only a second before, she had commented on my ice tea bottle that I was carrying under my arm and said how thirsty she is to her company. I almost went into her face about it. These squid plushies are a connection between me and my friend, something that has personal meaning for us, and she insulted it. I only held myself back because my friend doesn't like it if I get aggressive and shouty and I was thinking on that in this moment. It wouldn't have felt right, considering the situation we are in now.
Later, after sundown, I felt scared of the darkness when I headed for a small mall through a back street. That was concerning and definitely not normal for me, because I normally love the night and the darkness. I also broke out in tears when going through a grocery store after that, as I was thinking that I have to let her go and accept it that she doesn't want to be with me if she can't be happy with me anymore, because caring for your friend and wanting them to be happy also means to stay away from them if they aren't happy around you. That thought had a finality to it that just opened the flood gates and made me go with wet eyes through that store.
I bought a smoothie today. One with carrot juice in it. I actually don't like carrots, but she likes them a lot and sometimes tried to get me to eat carrots, in a caring way, and so carrots remind me of her, so I bought a smoothie with carrots when I saw one. She also inspired me to buy and drink a smoothie each week, when I talked about wanting to eat healthier.
When I left bed today, I was still sobbing and shaking over my whole body. So my condition has improved throughout the day. But I still feel terrible and I know it will be like this for quite some time. I am scared of the holidays. I don't want to be alone there, without her. The thought of spending the holidays alone terrifies me.

What keeps me afloat is the hope that she will return. She blocked me out of an emotional reaction. And she has left three channels open through which I can contact her. My heart tells me this has to mean something good. A good sign. She also went into distance to me once before already after a mental illness I had at the time became too much to handle for her, in 2019, and back then she said goodbye. This time she didn't say goodbye. And we had no fight before she blocked me, no differences, no disagreements and no conflict, so I can tell it was an affect reaction. She has done this before, we went through this before, once in every year since 2019 actually, it's not the first time and I know this reaction by her.
This is what gives me hope that it will be fixed again. I am still scared it could be final this time, but I have hope left this will be fixed again. But right now, things are still uncertain, and it's not clear when we will be in a better situation again. But I'll do what I can to make it happen as soon as possible.

I also put a new banner on my Twitter account, of Applebloom and Applejack sleeping in the same bed together while it snows outside, because it is snowing so much here now. It's cute and it soothes me.

I guess that's all for today and for this blog entry. This went on long, but I had to put those thoughts out there. It's 3:33 AM here now. I didn't notice how long I was writing.
And I have one last thing. A favor to ask. If you read until here, please show me cute things. Pictures, movies, TV shows, fanart, anything you can think of with cute and adorable characters. It can be ponies or non-pony, both is fine. It would do a great deal to soothe me. I will answer to every comment.

Comments

[Bronycommander]

Hug