The Random Review [No. 4]: The Journal of Sombra Lucent (JitterbugJive)

The One-Sentence Summary

A maverick unlocks ancient magic and loses himself.

The Substance

Unlike one commenter, I like the pictures. They help the mood. Illustration's stood beside writing for ages; it works. What's cool about the words is Sombra's contempt for the empire. It's there from the start, and he justifies it as you would expect a pony with delusions of grandeur to. The raw materials for a great story are here: a capable pony with anger in his heart, his disgust at the decadence of society, his love of magic, a book of powerful secrets. But…

The Skill

… In the end, they come together poorly. None of the rise and fall is fleshed out. We only have Sombra's word for it. For instance, he mentions executions. I'd like to see an account, not just a reference. Whom did you kill? Why? No, I don't mean 'I killed a pegasus for treachery'. I mean: What was his name, his role, his relationship to you? What did he say? What did he do? How did you feel when you found out, when you passed judgement? Were you present at his death? Did he curse you? Did you care? If the journal had more details… Details, man, details! Let's hear about this research! Someone so passionate about it would love nothing more than to waffle on and on. Instead of general, bland, image-less comments like 'I advance in my study of the blah', it needs clear description of what Sombra's actually up to. That would help slow the pace, build the tension and earn the fall.

I am a resident of the Crystal Kingdom, hailing from the upper class sector.

Why say this in your journal? Maybe you would if you expected someone to read it, but even so – hailing from the upper-class sector? It's lacklustre, going through the motions. 'Hint at a backstory – check.' I'm starving for a detailed account of these and other memories. This is a half-job. The writer's listed the key points but skived the heavy lifting. Of course, that may be well beyond what they set out to do, but that's part and parcel. If you want to do something small, make sure it's something worthy of brief attention. Something as big as this – the hubris of a mighty tyrant – requires more than a few pages of summarising.

The Gestalt

This would be a poor story if not for the allowance that it's a short-form attempt at something massive. If you consider it a reduction of events for the sake of brevity, then it's like an Elder Scrolls journal – Hamelyn's or Arondil's. It's passable, though naïve and trite: a clichéd and all-too-rapid descent into madness. It's been so long since 2012 (when this was written), and I think bronies – whose average age was once 20 – have grown up a little. The basic elements are assembled. What remains to be done is the legwork – lots. Who knows? Perhaps the writer, if he or she ever returns, would like to try. I'd read it.

The Lowdown

4/10

A cursory character-story that leaves you thinking about the old brony days.