In Retrospect: Feeling the Beat / Equestrian Hearts · 5:36am Jun 26th, 2023
Welcome, one and all, to the third edition of In Retrospect, in which a washed up fanfic author reviews his ten year old stories!
Join me as I relive the past, review my past work, give commentary, and desperately try to remember what I possibly could've been thinking at the time when I wrote this stuff! I barely remember any of this, and neither do you, probably! Get ready for today's issue, as we cover Feeling the Beat and Equestrian Hearts!
Let's dive right in.
Feeling the Beat
I'm not going to link this one, considering it's a clopfic. Why yes, I did indeed write some clop, way back when. I even had an entire alternate account for it which I kept secret for a while, but that's for another time.
Here we have Feeling the Beat, a short one-shot about Vinyl... experimenting with a pair of earbuds. For some reason, when I see this, I have a strong hunch that a certain Aquaman was involved. Maybe I'll find out for sure with the author's notes, if there are any. Also, I'm not really sure how to review this. I don't think I can really talk about anything NSFW in a blog post, so... I guess I'll just have to be really vague about certain things.
Enough stalling.
Feeling the Beat
We begin with Vinyl returning to her apartment in the wee hours of the morning after a long DJing session. It's been a long night, she's tired, but still happy from a successful performance. There's also some little details in here showing how she lives her life. The fact that she's in an apartment (in Canterlot I guess, or some other city), the flickering light that she hasn't bothered to repair, a sink full of dirty dishes, a messy room. I love little details like this which just add that bit of depth to the characterization.
She gets in bed and floats her laptop over (touted as a modern invention - and a bit too pricey), and before doing anything else, loads up her music collection. Obviously, as a musically oriented pony, she has a large collection of physical CDs and an equally large collection on her laptop, which she loves because she doesn't need to change discs all the time. And to be fair, I'm totally with her on that. Physical is nice for collector's value, but digital stuff is incredibly convenient and versatile.
The first song she puts on is something EDM involving piano and the expected bassline. I have a feeling this is loosely based on some song I liked back then, but I couldn't tell you which one. After enjoying that for a few seconds, she decides to check her e-mail, and this is where the story really begins. The inciting incident, if you will.
Amongst all the standard stuff (Haypal payments, really?) , there's a mysterious e-mail titled "LISTEN TO THIS!", which is blank except for an attachment called... "audible_sex.mp3" Awesome, very creative. But I guess if you were getting a weird email with a file you might expect a filename like that. And it came from a pony called "Ethereal Canvas" which... was the name of Ninestempest's character when we played a pony version of Pathfinder together???
I wonder what Nines is up to these days... definitely not a name I expected to see in this story. Something led me to make this reference, I'm just not sure what.
Anyway, that aside, she makes a comment about the email, downloads the song, and starts listening to it. I make my best attempt to write out a description of how this song starts. It's a bit clunky, if I'm being honest, with a bit of repetition here and there. And yes, this is totally based on an actual song. This one, to be specific. It's very much an early 2010s amateur dubstep song. Not to say I don't like it anymore, but you can hear it doesn't have that "professional" polish to it. It also seems like the original was deleted, so this is a reupload, so that doesn't help the audio quality either.
Regardless of the actual quality, in-story it makes Vinyl's heart race and send chills down her spine. It gives her feelings she can't even describe, for unknown reasons. VERY mysterious, OoooOOoooh. It also gives her feelings in... other places. Which I can't really describe in this blog post.
What follows is several detailed paragraphs of Vinyl engaging in "self-care," ending in her disappointment when the song ends a bit too early. It's at this point that she gets an idea. She plugs in her headphones, starts the song again, and cranks up the volume, observing that it's so loud that it causes the headphones to vibrate. As, y'know, speakers will do when they're outputting so much sound. And then she puts them somewhere headphones were never meant to go. Serious technological negligence, if you ask me.
After a few more paragraphs, the deed is done and she throws the headphones to some random part of her room and exclaims that she'll need to buy more.
So uh... yeah. Feeling the Beat. What an odd story that was. And it's actually kind of fascinating because the main thing that people go to a clopfic for was actually... less than half of it. It was mostly scene setting, description, and other SFW things before getting to anything naughty. And as far as those parts go, they were written, uh... adequately, I guess. To me, it seems evident that this story was more about setting up this ridiculous idea rather than making it actually "useful" to clopfic enjoyers. There was something of an attempt there, but nothing groundbreaking.
Also, no author's notes. Sad! I was hoping to gain some insight from past Alex on how this even came to fruition.
My final rating for Feeling the Beat is... 6/10. A bit too short, but passable. The small details about Vinyl's life were what I enjoyed the most.
Equestrian Hearts (this link might not work)
This one is a bit of a mystery to me. I think that, at the time, I had just gone through Kingdom Hearts I and II, so they were on my mind. Pony was obviously also on the mind, so I guess I tried to mash the two together. I had to dig through my Google Docs to find the design doc for this story, which I believe I mentioned in my old blog post "Tales from the Archive."
It still doesn't answer why I started writing this, but I suppose we'll never know. If I don't have the answer, who will? I'm me!
Anyway, I have one chapter submitted here on Fimfic, and another chapter - which I presume is unfinished - tucked away in Alex's Scrapbook, which is basically a compilation of all my stories I never completed. So, I guess I can cover both of them, to whatever extent is possible.
All I know is that Twilight is the main character and apparently Trixie was supposed to be the true Keyblade wielder. Don't ask, I don't know either.
Chapter 1
We start off with a dream sequence, which is lifted directly from the opening of Kingdom Hearts. Twilight wakes up on a stained glass panel in a void of darkness, and a statues of a sword, shield, and staff appear. A mysterious voice tells her choose, so she picks the staff. The voice then says the choice is made, the staff turns into magic sparkles, and then the glass shatters, causing her to wake up from her nightmare.
This is not a great intro to me, because it doesn't even make sense. It has a purpose in the game, sure, because whichever you pick will change the order you get skills in and your starting stats. This is important because it changes the gameplay. In a story like this, it does nothing but pad out the word count. Maybe, just maybe, I had a plan to incorporate this decision somewhere in the story, but I kinda doubt that. I think I just wrote it in because that's how Kingdom Hearts begins. LAZY.
Moving on... Twilight gets out of bed and complains to herself about another bad dream, so these have been recurring things. She gets ready for the day and heads downstairs, where Spike asks if she's okay because she's been waking up late and is constantly tired due to the nightmares. Twilight has breakfast and explains the dreams she's been having, with Spike giving suggestions and trying to cheer her up. He offers to find some books on dreams for her to read, and she likes the idea. Good on you, Spike. You get one (1) good friend point. Then, Twilight leaves to go shopping for the day, and eventually have lunch with Pinkie.
Next scene starts at Sugarcube Corner, where they have lunch and Twilight mentions her dreams. Pinkie says they might not be connected to anything, but then she's hit with... a doozy. You read that right, something BIG is about to happen. Twilight almost chokes on her food out of shock, then says she has to leave because whatever's going to happen might be related to the dreams. Which, considering the timing, is probably a fair assumption.
We cut to Twilight going through multiple dream interpretation books and getting increasingly frustrated with their unhelpfulness. She's about to hurl one at a wall when she's interrupted by Applejack frantically knocking at the door. Applejack mentions dark creatures coming out of Everfree Forest, and they need Twilight's magic to help.
So, this line I have a problem with:
“The others are helpin’ out too, but we need yer magic!”
Wrong. If a 14 year old kid with a keyblade can knock these common Heartless out, Applejack could kick one so hard it'd feel emotions. By no means do they "need" magic to deal with this. This is such a tiny issue, but it's still something I'd want to change. Just make it like "we need yer help!" or something like that.
Anyway. Twilight agrees to help, and follows Applejack to just outside the Everfree Forest, near Fluttershy's cottage. Applejack's rounded up the whole gang, so they're there too. Twilight notices dark creatures (Heartless, obviously) stepping out of the forest.
And okay, apparently they do need Twilight's magic because as much as they're kicking these things back into the forest and throwing pies (thanks Pinkie), they just keep coming back. I still hold onto what I said before, so I would change this so that they get defeated with a good kick, but they just keep spawning or whatever. As it stands, these things seem invincible currently, and I think that downplays the strength of the main six.
What? What do you mean this is a show about friendship and combat is rarely a thing? You mean we aren't judging the group on their fighting capability? Hmm... WELL I still think they could do it!
Scratch all that, I lied, the Kingdom Hearts canon specifically states they can only be defeated with a Keyblade. They can be "killed" without one, but they'll just respawn. So, past Alex was technically correct with their tenacity, but should've still wrote them dissolving or something and then reforming.
This rant and this section have gone on too long. To sum it up, they keep fighting with no real victory, until a Keyblade suddenly appears in front of Twilight! She recognizes it as they key from her dreams, and then grabs it with her... mouth? Not... levitating it? This is... this is dumb! The only possible way I can rationalize why it was done like this is because that's how she uses it on the cover art that I found. It is bad rationale, but rationale nonetheless.
I would no longer do it this way.
Stupid methods aside, she wields the Keyblade and starts defeating the Heartless! She has unnaturally good skill in wielding it and it feels totally natural, which is confusing even to herself. And the reader, probably. That just might be a handwave explanation to avoid a Keyblade training arc. After taking several of them out, they retreat and the Keyblade disappears because Twilight has exited combat mode.
She says she needs to tell the Princess about this and for everyone to alert the town and stay behind to defend it, which sounds like a really bad idea because she's the only one who can defeat them? Why couldn't she send a letter or something and hold the fort, surely that would be faster than physically going to Canterlot to talk with Celestia, wouldn't it? And all of them are just okay with this plan, despite the flaw I just wrote out and had analyzed in like 10 seconds. A very confusing writing decision.
That's it for this chapter. A bit of a rough start.
Chapter 2
We have an author's note here that says this was hastily written for Fimfiction's first fanfiction contest, so there's a neat bit of history for you. The note also says it's trash and needs a full rewrite, and I can't say I really disagree. That said, let's look into this second chapter.
It begins with Twilight chain-teleporting across the Equestrian countryside on her way to Canterlot. Which, as a concept, is pretty cool. She's in a hurry, pushing herself physically and magically to her limit, and what better way to do that than by rapidly teleporting? She makes it there, albeit with a splitting headache, but noticed something's wrong: the gate is partially opened and the guards are absent. (Aren't Canterlot's gates normally open though?)
She hears screaming and the Keyblade appears, signaling that it is once again time for battle. I do like the concept of your weapon appearing because somehow it knows you're about to fight, even before you do. That could lead to some humorous situations. Anyway, she tries to levitate the Keyblade this time. Wow, smart move! ...but it doesn't work because she's magicked out from teleporting. So it's back to using it the physical way.
Twilight discovers that Heartless have overrun Canterlot, including some of the armored varieties. The guards are doing their best, but without Keyblades they can't really stop the assault. Again, another situation where I could've had them at least defeating some but having the Heartless quickly reform to show they haven't really been killed. She forms a plan to attack a group in front of her, then pulls it off flawlessly, at the cost of self-inflicted damage due to more magic use. For some reason I was very drawn to the idea of "overusing magic = pain" rather than "overusing magic = you can't do magic." I do not know why.
She asks the guards if they're okay, then tells them to retreat. Sure, she did defeat the Heartless, but unless they know who she is, they have no reason to listen to this order. I could've at least had them try to stand their ground and keep fighting, rather than just blindly accepting this. But they do, so we continue. Also, nice touch that a pegasus guard uses the sun's position to tell how much time has passed, makes sense in a world without watches or clocks being super common.
So she goes deeper into Canterlot, either dodging or one-shotting any Heartless that get in her way. There's guards at the castle gate stopping her, who do know her, as they mutter about her as she approaches. She then tries to talk, but the Keyblade in her mouth makes her speech incomprehensible, which is not a bad detail.
Since the castle is under lockdown, they won't let her through, so she angrily lists off her titles and accomplishments (including "defeater of Nightmare Moon and Discord" which would be much better worded as "vanquisher of Nightmare Moon and Discord"). In a shocking move, the guard wants proof of this. Fortunately, Celestia just happens to show up at this moment and says she can vouch for Twilight (which is totally something Celestia would say but that's really convenient timing).
Also, I named this dude "Sergeant Stormwind" which is A) a great name for a pegasus and B) a Warcraft reference.
Twilight and Celestia head into the castle, the keyblade disappears because apparently it knows the castle is safe, and then they discuss what's going on. Celestia is afraid, because she doesn't know what they are or where they come from, and this fact scares Twilight because... I guess it's just expected for Celestia to know everything about everything. Twilight mentions she has a way to defeat them, and then manages to summon the Keyblade. Which, admittedly, isn't too crazy of a feat to do.
For some reason, Twilight picks it up and tries to talk, which doesn't work well, causing Celestia to laugh. For someone whose city is under siege by a seemingly undefeatable, unknown enemy, she sure is able to take this lightly. Minus 10 points for past Alex.
Celestia asks why Twilight doesn't just levitate it, which would be the smart thing to do, and then Twilight explains that... it gives her a good feeling when she physically wields it, and like it can channel her magic better. Unless I'm misremembering, this is not something that's part of the games and I completely made this up on the spot. She does not need to physically be holding it in her mouth. But enough about that problem. Celestia brings up Twilight writing a report about the Keyblade, which is awesome and all but aren't there more important things to be worrying about?
Seriously, this conversation is going on so casually while Canterlot is literally under siege directly outside. Can we get some more urgency here? It eventually does get to that point, as Celestia asks Twilight to defend Canterlot because she's literally the only one who can. Twilight just has to buy time while Celestia and Shining Armor work up a shield spell to encase the city in. Was this in the show? I feel like I remember a big bubble shield at some point but I could absolutely be having a fake memory right now.
Scene change, and we now follow Celestia as she runs to the barracks to find Shining Armor. As she enters, she hears him barking orders to the troops and looking over a map of the city. He quickly notices her and they begin talking, and she specifically mentions his and Cadance's wedding during "A Canterlot Wedding," so maybe this did happen in the show. She tells him about her plan and he agrees, but they need to get to a better spot to cast it. Also, Shining learns that Twilight is out fighting and has a bit of a freakout-overprotective-brother moment.
They then teleport away, and... there's two scene dividers here. And then next scene starts with Twilight in Trottingham and the Keyblade is humming.
So, I guess I started working on another part of the chapter before I gave up. And to give some context, like I mentioned before, the actual plot here was supposed to be that Trixie was the true Keyblade wielder, and somehow the Keyblade gains an ability to track the true wielder. I guess this leads Twilight to Trottingham somehow, where Trixie is.
The Keyblade stops its "incessant humming" as she reaches the entrance, so that's how she knows she's in the right spot I guess. The Keyblade also disappears, signalling that the town is safe. She wonders where the true wielder might be, before she spots the Trottingham Inn. She figures she can at least get information if she doesn't find them directly, so she goes there.
As she approaches the inn, the Keyblade appears again, and this understandably makes Twilight nervous. She enters anyway and approaches the bar, and is immediately catcalled by a drunk stallion sitting at the bar. A pegasus with scars on his face and too many empty cups in front of him. She tries to get out of the situation, but he makes another comment and pokes her. She tries to ignore him by turning to the barkeeper.
And then the chapter ends. Trixie isn't even brought up yet, there's a huge gap in the story, and nothing has been really answered yet. I can understand why I stopped working on this.
I'm not really sure what to say about this one, other than I totally agree with the author's note. This would most likely need a totally rewrite from the ground up. The first chapter has a stupid opening, some poor character decisions, and generally doesn't establish enough. The second chapter has a massive-scale attack underway, but it only feels urgent while Twilight is outside the castle. Also, it's never resolved. Same with the Trottingham part later on.
I like the general concept of Trixie being the actual Keyblade owner and having Twilight work together with her, but she's not established at all in the story, and there's no answer to why the Keyblade showed up for Twilight instead of Trixie, how it should've been. It just doesn't make sense without a proper explanation.
So yeah, that was a flash-in-the-pan spur of the moment kind of fic, and it shows. I'm really not surprised that I ended up ditching this.
My final rating for Equestrian Hearts is... 4/10. Unfinished, not enough thought put in, rife with editing mistakes, big plot/mood issues.
I initially wanted to add Ponies and Cage to this, but Equestrian Hearts ended up being a much longer "review" than I expected. I'll do that in the next entry, however! For sure! Because it's the next fic in line. And then there's... The Beasts of Tartarus and, oh boy. The Princess and the Pupil. I remember what the latter was about, and even at the time it was a bit contentious. I guess we'll see if it holds up when we get there!
Thanks for joining me on another stunning entry of In Retrospect, which at this point I'm thinking is a bit of a narcissistic idea. An author reviewing their own work? Jeeze, talk about gassing yourself up! At least I'm not reviewing them favorably 
I don't think we ever get a concrete reason for why the Keyblade went to Sora instead of Riku like it was suppose to, so that could have been something to delve into if you'd continued.
Going by my own recent experience writing a fusion with a game, you saved yourself a lot of frustration by dropping it. If you don't have key (heh) concepts nailed down at the beginning, it'll only come back to haunt you. Still, looks like things could have been interesting, even though I fell off the Kingdom Hearts bandwagon hard after II.
Nines yet lives! I see him post on Tumblr sometimes :)
This is really fun! I definitely enjoy hearing about what your thoughts and intentions were, even when they didn't quite match execution.
Looking forward to more of these n_n
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But you're totally right, all that stuff needs to be hammered out well before you start writing, which I obviously did not do!
Huh, is that how KH1 went? If Riku was supposed to be the true wielder but Sora got it instead, I might've just been "borrowing" that same concept for this
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NINES... TEMPEST! I still remember this stupid quote from so long ago. Good that he's still around!
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I enjoy yelling about past Alex's writing decisions, and saying how I would change things nowadays. Even if I haven't actually written anything in a decade, I think I've gotten better at... "story analysis"(?) with all the YouTube videos about critique I've watched.
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I'll agree with that n_n