The "Break in Case of Emergency" Document · 6:55am Apr 15th, 2023
There's a google doc in my drive. It's title starts with an underscore so it's always right at the top, the only document I've named like it.
The title is "_IF I DIE"
It's... not a fic, but you can probably tell.
It was originally a word doc saved on my desktop. For a time, it was right in the middle of the screen so it wouldn't be missed.
It's not a suicide note, either. Although, at the time it was originally written, it may as well have been. And I haven't really changed much of the language since then. I probably should, at some point.
No, it's... closer to a will, really.
Specifically, it's a few things; it's instructions to my family on how/who to contact of my online friends if anything were to happen to me. I... know what it's like for an online friend to drop off the face of the earth, and to be left wondering. I don't wish that on my worst enemies, and I'd never do that to the several close friends I've made online.
It's a pre-drafted message for them.
It's a list of login credentials for one friend in particular, and a special message for them, with some more instructions. Or rather, a couple requests.
It's my final blog post.
I'd like to say this was set up for purely altruistic reasons. It's not. I was... deeply suicidal the first time I drafted this document. I've gotten a lot better since then, but I found myself keeping that document, and updating to a more secure format. I'm thankful I did that before I lost my hard drive a while back. I've considered keeping it on a pen drive on my keychain, too.
I didn't set this up for anyone. As much as it's important to me that, if I were to be hit by a car tomorrow, collapse from an aneurism tonight, or whatever else, it's important to me that my friends aren't left wondering why I never came back online. But that's not why I set this up, why I keep it updated as my passwords change.
The truth is I'm scared. I'm scared of just... fading away. I'm scared of people looking at my account and brushing me off as just another person who left, and moved on.
I don't even really know why that thought scares me so much.
It's why I find it so.... unbelievable, that people can just delete their entire presence from this website and move on. Doesn't that scare them, too? Don't they fear being forgotten? I know I do. I can't imagine having my account deleted of my own free will. The hours I've poured into my writing are important to me. The stories I've written are, sometimes, deeply personal to me.
So... in case you were wondering; if, such a time comes, that I log off this website, never to return, you will know why. It will either be a final blog post from me, officially announcing my retirement, or, god-forbid, if something happens to me, you'll get one last message from me.
Because not being able to give closure scares me more than the thought of dying suddenly.
I really need to make it sound less like I killed myself though. That (probably) won't be the reason anymore.
(Also I'm still working on fics. I've got... a surprise in the works. No hints yet, since i'm not yet sure if I can deliver)
Until next time,
Kodeake out
Kodeake..... well even if it never started as a good thing or some such I think the fact you kept it is a sign that at the least you do care about your friends. Not a lot of folks do this
I've got one of those myself :B
I’m a bit late to this, but honestly, I’d kinda been considering writing something like that myself. Three authors on this site I cared about all passed away within the past year or so, so it's been on my mind. For that matter, basically no one outside of this place knows I’m on it. I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t at least partially by choice — this just isn’t the kind of part of myself I’m all that interested in advertising IRL, if that makes sense — but if I did die right now, the news could very easily never make it here. There are quite a few people on this site I’ve enjoyed talking with (and hopefully they've enjoyed talking with me too); I’d hate to leave them in the dark like that if the worst indeed came to pass.
If the right words come to me, I’ll see about typing it out. Here’s hoping I never have to use them.