Wish Fulfillment Update · 10:00am Mar 15th, 2023
About halfway done with the revisions. 15 down. 17 more to go. The story is already vastly improving by switching to third person, I think. Rally's much less whiny, more grateful about things, less negative overall. IDK when the other 17 will be done, but hopefully soon. I already wrote up to chapter 40, so there's 8 more unreleased chapters waiting while the revisions get finished. No timeline when it'll be done though, but I'd like to sit down for a week and concentrate on nothing but this.
The original version (what I'm calling the "Legacy" version), is gonna be tagged in this post. The "official" revised version is here, with 15 chapters already revised: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/515395/wish-fulfillment
Feedback on the revision would be appreciated, even though most of the revision in the beginning chapters is just 3rd person. It'll change more as the revisions get into the 20s and 30s for chapters. Honestly, I'd say at chapter 40 (which is what I have as of now) the story is basically at its halfway point.
Basically, the main change is 1: Rally is moderately less whiny, 2: Rally is 100% less awkward, frustrating, and pushy/overbearing, 3: the story is now fully in 3rd person perspective, and 4: the word count has been significantly reduced. Here's an example of a change from chapter sixteen:
Before:
“A plateau?” I yelled. “A fucking plateau? Why? Why not build it in the valley? This is so fucking stupid!” I stomped a hoof in anger as I glared hatefully at the sight before me.
I was sure my voice could be heard all the way down on the valley floor… or maybe it was a canyon. I couldn’t tell, but either word worked. It didn’t matter to me. What did matter was the fact that all of this felt like it was getting completely ridiculous.
“Rally, calm down,” Shorey tried to tell me, putting a gentle hoof on my shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay. We can see it. I bet you we can be there by tonight and be sleeping in nice warm beds if we move fast enough.”
“It’s just annoying that we have to get past one obstacle just to get to the next obstacle!” I complained. “I didn’t ask to go to Equestria to do all of this! And for what? Just to be this stallion? We’re gonna get there and they’re gonna say there’s nothing they can do!”
After:
“Yes! Yes! Yes! Fuck yes! It’s actually right there in front of us! We’re so fucking close!” The stallion jumped up and down and screamed happily again, wearing the widest smile that Shorey had seen on her thus as she danced in place. She was glad her friend was excited, although the mare was certain it wouldn’t be as easy to make the rest of the journey as the stallion thought.
It was indeed a valley just like Shorey was predicting, one complete with another river than wound across it and a few trees that made it seem like it was in a perpetual state of good weather. The Crystal Empire itself was sitting just beyond that, probably fifteen or twenty miles off in the distance from the two of them. It seemed like an empire, too, one that stretched across where it had sat for what had to be just as many miles in either direction. It was certainly bigger than the tiny city the TV show had.
The only issue was that it was sitting on a plateau. The valley in front of it looked like it sat several hundred feet below them, but the plateau of the Crystal Empire had to be a couple of thousand feet above the valley. From the looks of it, it seemed like a sheer ninety degree rockface they would have to get up. Nothing particularly easy.
“If we move fast, we could probably get there in like four hours, and then we can find a place to sleep and talk to either Princess Cadance or Shining Armor about fixing me! This is actually gonna happen!”
That actually sounds pretty good. I might give the story another chance when you're done