How My Christmas Eve Is Going · 3:06am Dec 25th, 2022
It's shit. It's really just shit.
And of course, I'm sure my stupid escapades of disobeying my parents is what's causing this because God isn't happy with me, and so now my parents are talking to my sister about how she shouldn't be proud of her goodness because it's vain and it'll condemn her and I'm getting fucking sick of it, why am I always the catalyst?
And no, I'm not directly the catalyst, but as soon as we start having fun, it evolves into a big upset sobbing messhouse. And I feel so much negative energy all the time from everyone at home, and it feels like most of it is fear of my parents coming unglued on them and making them feel less than what we need to be built up to to be healthy-minded individuals but no, I feel like because of what I'm doing with my life, God is punishing me by hurting my family
Why am I still doing this?
Because.. I have no choice. I can't exactly quit, there's nowhere to quit to, except death, but too many people depend on me, I can't leave them high and dry like that, and I still want to live, just not here, not now.
I want to go to a world where conflict is minimal, where my parents aren't a constant threat to our family's wellbeing. I just want to be happy. When I grow up, I don't care about being an author or an artist or a musician.
When I grow up...
I just want to be happy.
I'm sorry that you are having a hard time right now. Wishing things will get better for you. Merry Christmas.
That's very mature and wise of you to say, Felicity. My father would once go to a therapist because of very intense workplace stress, and one time, he'd say that he, "doesn't know what's wrong with him, but he doesn't want money or success anymore, just... calmness of mind and happiness". To that, the therapist said there was nothing wrong with him. He had simply grown wiser. And that therapist was right.
I won't dissect every aspect of this blog like I often do, but rather, I want to focus on one thing mostly:
I'm seriously not sure where your parents are taking these things from anymore. I know these are strong words that I usually tend to avoid, but this one time it just might be justified.
Being happy with yourself and liking yourself is necessary for happiness, which any benevolent god would want for humans. Of course, there is a bit of truth to all this; being too focused on yourself and thinking of your traits as perfect might cause you to become narcissistic, which in turn is not good because of one simple reason - it harms other people. But that does not mean we are obliged to self-loathe the entire time. We're not, and saying that we should is far more harmful that simply liking oneself.