Frostbitten

by The Blu Equine

We're Going to Have a Little Fun - Prologue

It was a bright sunny spring day. Everything was perfect, and that's just what Jack didn't like. The newly appointed Guardian of fun thought that the day needed to cool off. With little effort, he leapt from his perch allowing his friend, The Wind, to flow through his body. Floating through the air, Jack brought a big chill to the previously warm day. Content with his work Jack found a freshly frosted tree and took to one its branches, reclining on it with his staff across his chest. Jack loved tree branches, they allowed him to watch the children enjoy his day and, if need be, add a little fun to them. However, Jack's relaxed attitude quickly turned sour as he heard an unknown voice above him.

"I always admired someone that liked to mix things up for the sake of fun." Upon hearing the voice, Jack leapt into a defensive posture, readying his staff in case the owner of the voice proved hostile. Years alone and unbelieved in left Jack slow to trust. "Relax Guardian. I mean you no harm. In fact, I need your help." the voice came yet again, this time a little higher up. "Aaaand a little to your left youngster." the voice replied.

"Who you calling young? I'm probably much older than you, now show yourself." Jack said, still wary of this mysterious figure that had some sort of magic. Jack didn't question magic, but he still didn't trust it either.

"Again, I mean you no harm Guardian. Now you would be wise to lower that staff." came the voice again. Jack turned his head to the left slowly and saw a floating head. The floating head wasn't what surprised him, but what the head looked like. The face of a man was very distinguishable, he had a long pointed nose that took up most of his face. Underneath was a gray goatee that was bordering white. Atop the man's head was the truly remarkable sight, two different horns, one of a deer and the other from a goat. His eyes frightened Jack, they were very large and each had their own sized pupils, however both were the same color. Blood Red. "Now before you ask, I am what is known as a chimaera, a creature made up of many other creatures. You may call me Discord and I am the very unknown Guardian of Chaos. And I couldn't help but stay away from this chaotic little day you managed to whip up." Discord explained, seeing the bewildered look on Jack's face. "Now that that's out of the way I have a little proposition for you my chaotic little friend. I have some, lets call them friends, that don't know how to have any fun. Now I've tried to show them how to enjoy life and have fun but they don't take to it. That is where you come in. I need you to accompany me and show them how to enjoy life." Discord continued.

"I don't think I can help you Discord. I need to be here to protect the children in case anything happens to them. Sorry, not sorry." Jack said, attempting to get rid of this mysterious "Guardian"

"Jack, be reasonable. The children are safe and if anything happens I'm sure the other Guardians can take care of it. I mean how did they handle things in those years before they had you? Come on, it'll be fuuuuun." Discord taunted, trying to appeal to Jack's center.

"The answer is no. Now buzz off, I'm trying to enjoy this day." Jack said, becoming increasingly frustrated with this new "Guardian". With a loud pop, the man's head disappeared, or so Jack thought. What Jack didn't notice was the eagle talon floating above his head.

"I don't think you understand Jack, you're coming with me" Discord said, as he brought the lone talon down on Jack's head, slowly graying him out. With a loud pop, Discord appeared in all his glory. He appeared to be nothing more than a common hobo to the normal person. Mismatched clothing adorned his entire body, even his shoes didn't match. The oddest part of the man was his left arm which was an eagle's talon. "Now Jack don't you think we should get back? Wouldn't want to keep our 'friends' waiting." Discord asked.

"Of course, lets go have some fun." came Jack's reply. Jack grabbed onto the man and with a snap of Discord's talon they both disappeared with a loud pop.

Author's Note:

Hello, this is an idea I've had for a while, first real attempt at a fic that isn't a one shot.
Constructive Criticism is welcomed and much appreciated.
Looking for an editor and pre-readers.

Comments

[The Watcher 509]

>> >>

My reaction

[Phoenix999]

Ok, not a bad concept, but let's see if we can point out some areas that could use some polish.

In the beginning you don't really describe Jack's appearance. While it's true that you don't want to over-describe your character right off the bat, a few details here and there should aid the reader in the visual dept. Just assume that the reader has no background with the other material your using when doing cross-overs. (And yes, I know your basing this off the "Rise of the Guardians" movie)

Content with his work...

This is really "telly". Why? Because your just telling me how he feels. Try to describe Jack's contentment through actions. Like how you might see an actor move.

Years alone and unbelieved in left Jack slow to trust.

I would probably simplify this to "Jack's untrustful nature..." You can also insert some internal dialogue here, like a What's that?

"Aaaand a little to your left youngster." the voice replied.

Change the first period to a comma. (dialogue punctuation)

I'm probably much older than you, now show yourself.

Comma splice. Use a semi-colon here.

Jack didn't question magic, but he still didn't trust it either.

Doesn't Jack Frost use magic by breathing? I mean... I would consider his abilities, or possibly his existence, to be the product of magical forces.

His eyes frightened Jack,

Again, a bit telly. Could have him jump back or Jack's eyes widen or something here.

Now before you ask...

KIND of a bit monologue-ish. Also, a bit out of character for Discord. He tends to play with his prey a bit more. He would probably try to make some joke like "What? Don't I look normal? I'm a high-school girl!" (Not necessarily that, but you get the picture)

Of course, lets go have some fun.

I'm not sure, but is Jack supposed to be under Discord's influence here? If so, this wasn't very clear. He was refusing to leave just a few paragraphs ago...

Overall, not too bad. It can use some polish but it's not the worst thing I've read by far.