Intermission: Rarity
Rarity’s mouth tightened into a grimace as her hooves ran across the thin, delicate fabric. “I just don’t see how I could possibly get the effect that she wants!”
Her hooves clopped loudly against the cold tiles of Carousel Boutique as she circled the four-legged mannequin. “It’s absolutely impossible! But… getting this order right is absolutely PARAMOUNT! This dress is for Princess Luna’s first Grand Galloping Gala, and it will be on display for ALL of the most important ponies in Canterlot! Just imagine… The nobles, the fashionistas, the biggest names in fashion!”
She took a deep breath as she she turned to her audience, a white cat with a squashed face and green eyes. “Don’t you see, Opal? If this dress isn’t perfect it will be the WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!” She stamped a hoof in frustration, debating pulling out her fainting couch.
The cat licked its paw a few times before running it across her face, contributing absolutely nothing to the conversation at hand. Her ears rotated to listen to the sounds of the thunder approaching outside as she groomed herself.
Rarity sighed as she approached the feline, she reached out her hoof to scratch beneath Opal’s chin. As a loud purr filled the room Rarity’s head drooped, “Oh Opal, whatever am I to do?”
SLAM!
Rarity yelped as she turned to investigate the noise, then chuckled at herself. Oh, the wind just blew the window open, she thought. I’m getting too easy to startle, of late.
She quickly trotted over, faster than necessary, to close it. “Ah hah hah. Just look at how silly I can be, hm, Opal?”
The cat shrank back against the wall, hissing.
“Opal? Opal, whatever is the matter dear?”
She jumped off her perch on the bed to hide beneath it as the unicorn rushed over. Rarity pushed herself as far under as she could, but all the cupcakes Pinkie had been bringing by had gone to her hips, and there was no way for her to reach the spooked cat pressed up against the wall. “Opal! Opal, sweetheart, it’s just a storm! Absolutely nothing to be scared of!”
“Oh,” came a deep, dark voice as smooth as chocolate, “I don’t think it’s the storm she’s afraid of.”
Rarity screamed, trying to stand before she fully got out from under the bed and slamming her head against the frame. Her eyes teared up as she scrambled out, squinting through the pain as they flicked this way and that. Trying to find the source of the voice, she lit up her horn with one of the few defensive spells she knew. “W-who’s there?!”
“Me.” The voice whispered, and Rarity was able to pinpoint where it was coming from. She turned towards the back room, breath quickening as a a few beads of sweat appeared on her forehead. In the doorway, amongst the boxes and pallets of excess fabric, was the silhouette of a rather large pony. She couldn’t make out his features. Just that he was really, really tall.
“What are you doing here?!” She demanded, proud of how strong her voice was. “The store is closed. I must ask you to leave! We will be opening tomorrow at ten.”
“Oh, my dear Rarity, I’m not here to shop,” he said as he turned and walked along the wall. No matter where he placed a hoof he always seemed to be enveloped in shadow, regardless of the shop’s ample lighting. “I’m here to make you an offer.”
The ponies head stayed turned towards her as he walked, and Rarity couldn’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t just staring at her… but through her.
“An… an offer?” Rarity asked, stepping to always keep the strange stallion in view and have ample space between them. He came to a stop beside the mannequin with Luna’s incomplete dress hanging upon it. Opal dashed out from under the bed, running to the next room with a yowl.
Rarity gasped once he turned his head. The pony was not only unnaturally tall, but had TWO horns.
Every fairy tale she had heard growing up about two-horned demons sped through her head as she once again started to gather a defensive spell beneath her horn, but if the creature before her was truly a demon she had little hope of doing more than to annoy it with any of the spells she knew.
“Yes,” He whispered, carrying the ‘s’ in an almost reptilian fashion, “you see, I want to help you. You are a very kind and generous pony, full of talent and vision. It will be hard work, but I know one day you will be the absolute premier designer in ALL of Equestria.”
The compliment was not lost on Rarity, demon or not. She straightened, beaming with pride, but kept her defensive spell at the ready.
“...but it will be a long and difficult journey. I am here to offer you a leg up. Contacts, ideas, finances… ask and it is yours.” He said, giving a half bow from the waist.
Rarity’s eyes narrowed, “And just why would you be so… so generous? You don’t even know me.”
“Ah, but you see… I do know you, Rarity. My friend, Twilight Sparkle, always speaks so highly of you, of how kind and inspired you are. After having seen some of your work for myself, I must say that she is absolutely correct.” He ran a hoof over the dresses sleeves, his eyes momentarily lost in the cloth.
Rarity blinked a few times as the defensive spell dimmed then winked out. “You know Twilight?”
“Why yes, I’ve known her since she was a filly. You could say that it was my influence that brought her to Princess Celestia’s tutelage. Don’t get me wrong! She always had the talent, she just needed somepony to… show it to her.”
Rarity bit her lip. She always believed in the good and generous nature of ponies, it was in her nature. But she also knew that there were those out there that would take advantage of those beliefs. How did she know which this was?
“I… see.” She said carefully. “And just what would you want in return for your help?”
Even though Rarity could only see the silhouette of the pony in front of her she could somehow tell, no— she could feel that he was smiling. “I want you to continue to be a good friend of Twilight’s. She needs friends more than you could possibly imagine. She will become strong, stronger than anypony would believe. She will need to have friends to keep close, friends that she can trust.”
Rarity narrowed her eyes at him, “You honestly think I’ll believe all you want in return is for me to be Twilight’s friend?”
“You have nothing else I want. Well, nothing that I don’t already have,” he mused as the stallion moved around the dress in order to get a better look at it.
“I… I couldn’t possibly accept!” She stammered, “I don’t even know your name!”
“I go by many names, but you can simply call me friend. You know, if you were to put a second layer of darker, thicker cloth underneath, it would help protect the more delicate fabric on top.” He once again turned his face to look at Rarity, and in that instant a flash of lightning illuminated the demon from head to toe.
She screamed, stumbling backwards and tripping over one of her terribly misplaced bolts of fabric. As she tumbled to the floor she could hear the thing’s laughter ringing in her ears.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!” Rarity sat straight up in bed, legs tangled in the covers, sweating and panting.
“What! What, where?!” her eyes darted around her bedroom, seeing nothing amiss.
Opal looked up at her from the bed, “Miao?”
“Ugh!” Rarity flopped ungracefully back onto her pillow, “What a HORRIBLE nightmare!”
She blinked as she stared at the fabric hanging across her four-poster bed, and the demon’s suggestion came back to her. She let out a gasp of delight as she jumped out of bed, fear forgotten, as she ran downstairs to the mannequin with Princess Luna’s dress.
“He may have had a terrifying visage, but he certainly has a great sense of fashion!” She squealed as she held up two bolts of fabric next to each other. “Luna is simply going to look a DREAM at the gala!”
So the generous pony went to work, not noticing the silhouette of a pony in the shadows of the corner. Golden hooves glinted in the moonlight as it smiled without a smile.
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It's not really noticeable, but I think there is a tense issue here.
I suggest removing the ellipses in this section. Also the last one is just 2 dots.
"Twilight's"
Comma. The decision of moving needs to change as well. Suggested: "he mused while moving to the opposite side of the dress in order to get a better look at it."
How could she not notice this before? Seems like something that would be seen while obscured in "shadow".
In oder of underline. Comma. Remove comma and quotes.
Don't capitalize "Generous". Why is Opal not tripping balls anymore? I get the feeling Rarity was not really having a dream yet somehow ended up in bed cause of "magic".
Interesting look into what happened to Twilight's friend, but why where they so quick to push Twilight into accepting. I feel like I will have to reread that part to see if it feels right.
3873725
Fixed! I also moved back the noticing of the horns so it would be a little more believable. As for Opal and the the "dream," an author must not reveal all her cards, yes?
As for pushing Twilight, that's going to be one of the issues addressed in further chapters. a LOT is going to be expanded upon.
Chapter five is no longer up here (or it shouldn't be, anyways). HOWEVER... you do have access to the GDOCS folder, if you wish to see where it's headed. 
And so, rarity is the first to fall...