Crystal White

by Lovinlife

Book 1: Chapter 4: Courage On An Unknown Side

Pitchpatch didn't immediately go down to the candy store like he had said he was going to. While grabbing his bag that he had set right next to Crystal's sky blue bag, he suddenly had an idea that would get Crystal out of the classroom and give him and chance to talk to her without the adults that were always around her. Oh, how Pitch loved that filly: her emerald green coat shined so brightly in any type of light, and her skills in magic were undeniably the best. But the best part was that no pony had taken her as a marefriend, and he planned to be her first.

He looked back over at Wheatmire: she was busy looking at the tests of the day and grading them at her desk, so she wouldn't notice. He took up Crystal's bag before he turned and whispered into Riot's ear in a threatening voice that shouldn't have come from a colt of his age yet, yet it did: "Don't you dare even think about telling on me or else you will really find out what that spider you crushed last night felt...understand?"

Terrified, having learned to never doubt his brother's threats or their severity, Riot frantically nodded his head before he followed his brother out of the doorway and into the hall. Maybe he could help stop Pitch from doing whatever his brother was planning. Maybe by going back, saying he needed to get something, and then telling Crystal or Wheatmire. But the nerve was never there to follow up on his thoughts, and all he could do was give one last glance back to the blind filly who never deserved such an admirer.

Not that Pitch was a bad colt: in fact, when Pitch was in a great mood, he was the greatest colt to be around, but when that temper hit...watch out.

The brothers walked outside, where the rocky outline of the mountain city of Canterlot met them in all of its stony glory. While not situated all the way at the peak of the mountain, it was built into many, many years ago, it was quite high up above the valley of green, grassy rolling hills that humped like a serpent swirling and meandering across the ground and the golden farmlands that were rich in produce such as apples, carrots, potatoes, celery stalks, and many other edible goods. Being this high up above Equestria, and more so of the fact that this was the home of Princess Celestia, this caused the city's inhabitants to have a higher value of their home and of themselves than they did for others.

But Pitch was different, as he never thought of himself any better than other ponies. It had helped that he hadn't been born in Canterlot, but from somewhere he didn't remember, that gave him such a positive view of other ponies. It was just that he had been provided with a brain and was glad to use it, while he had the impression that others didn't or didn't care, so it was up to him to do the thinking.

"Come on, let's try out that candy store anyway as we wait." Pitch spoke to his younger 'brother' with little to no emotion.

"Wh-Wh-Wait f-for wh-what?" Riot's stuttering voice questioned his 'brother' like a foal asking his mother for ice cream. It was so full of youthfulness and curiosity, an innocence that Pitch's mind wouldn't allow for him, and in a way, Pitch was a bit jealous of Riot for that.

But Pitch had to stay Pitch and not allow such feeling to cloud him of his goal any longer as he answered his brother: "Wait for things to settle down back at school before we return to get Crystal. I'll use her bag to get her to follow me somewhere and I can talk. Hopefully this way, she'll notice my love for her." The end of the statement was coated in a sadness that wasn't very well to be coming from and Riot noticed this.

"D-Does-s-n't really s-s-sound like-ke y-you r-real-ly have a-a p-p-plan." Riot pointed out as they entered the candy store that had a hoof-carved and brilliantly painted sign above the door that read 'SwEeT's CaNdY sYmPhOnY', and underneath it was a banner in bright spectral colors that read 'GRAND OPENING' in big bold letters.

The inside of the shop was packed full of ponies who wanted to see what the new shop had to offer. A line of them were up along the case, moving along to where they could pay for their treats. Inside the display case, rows and rows of different types of candies were met with stares of longing from ponies looking to buy them.

Their mouths would water at the sight of candy canes in different and unique flavors such as fresh peppermint, juicy apple pie, rich and soft chocolate-filled cherry, sugary cotton candy, and sticky butterscotch. But this was before ponies would see the light and fluffy marshmallows of many sizes and textures, some covered in a layer chocolate fudge, others with mint sprinkled along the shells. These had many foals' gazes filled with a wanting for two of the favorite things to be found in candy. The fruit candy had many inherently sweet and natural flavors that ranged from lollipops of many sizes to jellies. Rich and buttery toffee lay at the end with many other types: nuts, slathered with chocolate, and hazelnut. All these treats could be washed down with a refreshing soda and many more candies were around the shop and couldn't all be described.

Looking at all of this, Pitch concluded that the owner of the store really loved chocolate.
The pair got in line to wait for their turn as they looked at their choices, and Pitch answered his brother with a voice of pure sadness that once again didn't sound like him. "I...I don't know what's wrong with me." He sighed, and quickly smacked himself hard across the face with a hoof, making a few bystanders cringe at the sound. Riot was just as surprised as they were.

The sting he inflicted on himself did nothing to quell the chaotic emotions that rumbled through him like a violent quake. The sadness of not being noticed by the beautiful filly...no...the beautiful, stunning mare, the willingness to protect her, and the anger he felt. From where, he didn't know, but they were slowly taking their toll of him.

"I can't control my emotions." Pitch continued as the line moved forward and they got closer to the register. "Your dad said that I should be older before I feel or think such things, but they go through my head anyway... it's not like somepony is telling me this stuff." He sighed once more. "I don't know, maybe Crystal would never like a pony like me." After such a pitiful statement, Pitch leaned up against the glass of the display case and sighed for the third time, which caused the glass near his mouth to fog up when his hot breath touched the cold glass.

Riot didn't like seeing anypony upset, especially his almost bipolar 'brother', who could go from loving and supportive to outright angry and violent. Seeing Pitch like this hurt him inside and he wanted to do something to cheer him up. Unfortunately, Riot wasn't very good at reading people's emotions, which got him in trouble a lot when he said something wrong.

"M-M-M-Mom alw-ways-s said y-you were an-n...ear-rly bloo-oomer." Riot was really trying to make his 'brother' feel better. His Mom always said that it was a really good thing, that he was getting older faster.

Very, very quickly, that anger that Pitch was known to have suddenly flared through the icy sadness, melting away the layer that kept the demon from coming up. Before Riot could react or say anything else in his defense when he saw that look in Pitch's eye that told him that he had said something wrong, Pitch forcefully grabbed a hold of him by the shoulders and proceeded to viciously shake the sense from him. Pitch was shouting at him with a volume not fit for indoors, "SHE'S NOT MY MOTHER!" This was followed by Pitch slamming Riot's body, headfirst, into the display case without shattering the glass, before giving him a full-on punch across Riot's snout.
Riot tried to cover his face to protect himself from any blows, but he was disoriented and only managed to fall to the floor, semi-conscious.

At this point, Pitch couldn't have cared less about his 'brother's' feelings right now in his completely emotional state of mind at the moment. The same sentence played out in his mind over and over again as if it echoed through a monstrous cavern from a great number of ponies shouting it: NOT YOUR MOTHER...NOT YOUR MOTHER...NOT YOUR MOTHER!

Before the tormentor could beat up his victim any further, a stallion wrestled him off with a pair of strong forelimbs, keeping the two apart. Even through the pure rage Pitch was feeling, he could still hear the firm and authoritative call from the blue unicorn shopkeeper who went by the name of Sweets. "Hey you, punk, if you wanna do that, do it outside! Not in my parlor!"

So, even through Riot had gone too far with what he had said, because Pitch had thrown the first physical punch, he got off clean. Who did this pony think he was to step into somepony else's business like that?

Pitch turned towards Sweets as the stallion kept him from doing anything nasty physically this time, but Pitch was a well rounded colt with a silver tongue. "You should get to know who was wrong in the struggle before you point your high and mighty hoof at me, the one you think was wrong. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I was doing something right?"

"Just get him out of here." Sweets told the stallion, who Pitch felt nod.

"And now you're going to censor the outcry because you don't like it!" Pitch struggled against the jerking hoofs around him, if only to give him some extra time to get his point across. "Yes, I know the word, and I will use it whenever and wherever it is needed!"

Pitch was tossed out of the door and into the ancient brick and stone streets of Canterlot. Landing right beside him was Crystal's bag. He realized he dropped it when he had struck Riot. Looking back through the window of the shop, he could see that little foal being swarmed by ponies. Inconsiderate pricks! Even his own step-brother. Pitch only called Riot 'step-brother' when the moronic backstabber was acting the part of one.

Pitch pushed himself up onto his hooves and placed Crystal's saddlebags onto his back behind his own...how did they manage to stay on? Enough time must've passed for him to return to school. Nothing could turn his mind away from his goal: he had to get Crystal to like him with this very last chance.

He knew that his plan was flawed from the start: how could he know she would chase him, and judging by what he saw back in the classroom, she had trouble walking without help, probably because so many ponies had helped her walk, she has never really learned to keep her balance very well...how would she run? But he felt that he was running out of time and he was desperate for her to at least consider him a coltfriend. Every nice thing that he had done for her had only earned him hugs, and once...a peck on the cheek. Oh, how he had blushed rosy red when she did that!

Of course, Pitch wasn't only in love with Crystal because she was beautiful, he had convinced himself of this long ago when these feelings were being tested to see if they were true. He was truly smitten with her because she never treated him like he was above or below her like the students or the teacher. No, she only treated him like she would any pony. She was so smart, so caring, so kind, and the beauty that he saw in her shining coat and milky white eyes was only the icing on the cake.

When he reached the school once again, he felt strange butterflies tickle in his stomach. He was very dreadfully nervous. But why? Why in all of Celestia's Equestria would he be nervous?
His brain's answer to this question stopped Pitch from going any further in his quest. He was nervous because he was afraid that Crystal wouldn't like him. This was his one chance, but he had to take it. He had to at least try, and with what little courage the young colt could muster within himself, he began to move in.

Author's Note:

Edited by BlackRoseRaven on fanfiction.net

Comments

[Soaringhere]

I'm hooked

[SilentBelle]

Things I wasn't too keen on:

I found that in the first few paragraphs, it feels like there was a head-hop from one brother to the other, then back again. From Pitch to Riot, then back to Pitch again. That was sort of jarring.

Some of the descriptions were a bit too much, considering that they didn't really play a big roll in anything that happened plot-wise. (especially the confectionery descriptions, since you go into great detail about them, yet the main character of this chapter probably couldn't care less. That sort of description would have been far more appropriate had Pitch been totally entranced by the confections). While the emotional/character descriptions seemed to fall more to the 'telling' side of 'show and tell'.

Things I liked:
I did like seeing Pitch's character even if I think he's a total asshat and his anger is entirely unjustified. Which makes me VERY worried for Crystal and how he's going to interact with her, which is a good thing since it means I'm engaged by the story as a reader. So you have me very much intrigued for the coming character interaction.

For coming chapters: Try to make sure that the perspective remains on the character you are focusing on. And try to choose to use the right amount of description when writing a scene. Ask: 'What does describing X do for the story?' and try to figure out how much is the right amount to achieve the effect you are looking for.

And when revealing character, doing so through action is always the best way to do so since it makes the story feel so much more alive and natural, instead of telling us 'This is how the character is'. (talking, moving, reacting to others > Telling)

I hope that helps in some manner

[Lovinlife]

2886263
I find your comment about Pitch to be interesting because my editor said that he hopes that things do work out in the end with him and Crystal.

[Soulflight]

hey Bro! Keep up the good work!

[Lovinlife]

2949182 Thank you for the comment