Book 1: Story of a Lives~ When ponies began rioting, Princess Celestia's backlash inevitably forces Crystal into a hunt for a single book that could destroy everything she holds dear.
Chapters (12)
Lovinlife
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So after reading this chapter I thought you did a pretty good job at portraying Celestia except for the last paragraph. Her basic reaction was good but the exact fraseing seems a little off. After reading it again I think its mostly the; especially one of the royal house, I want none to escape. I feel like Celestia would be more focused on that they harmed another and not so much that they harmed a member of the royal house. The none shall escape sounds more like a death order I feel like she would have said something with the same meaning but sounded more regal, maybe something like; all of the prosecutors will be punished.
Other than that I liked your continuation even if I wasn't quite sure how this chapter ties into the rest of the story. Guess I'll just have to wait for the next chapter . Hope that I helped and had the sort of advice that you were looking for.
2439966
Thank you for the advise :)
So things I wasn't too keen on:
This line is in second person. It kind of breaks immersion since it is the narrator addressing the reader. I'd suggest changing it to third person, or having it as Crystal thinking that (though at this point I'm not sure if you are going to use character thoughts in the story)
A few punctuation errors caught my attention, but this critique is mostly for the storytelling aspect, so I kind of ignored them. (if you want me to proofread future chapters, send me a PM, I'd be happy to do so.)
I wasn't entirely fond of mentioning Faust as god, as it feels kind of meta. In fact, I'd recommend changing it to them giving thanks to Celestia instead. (also that paragraph needs a bit of reformatting, it got jumbled)
I think that some things could have been described a bit more to get a sense of how Crystal feels about the world around her.
Things I liked:
The chapter was concise and made its point, giving us a fine look at Crystal's character and her biggest motivation (at least currently), as well as giving us a sense that she is going to struggle and change as a character.
Solid pacing. It seems to be a really strong point of your writing, and this particular pace fits Crystal very well.
Onto the next chapter.
Hmm, an incompetent Celestia? Not what I was expecting...
Things I didn't like:
This chapter could use a once-over. It has numerous small spelling or grammar issues.
I don't know if this could actually happen. It's straining my believability in terms of what we already know Celestia to be, and how she was regarded. If this had been set a couple hundred years earlier, then I could imagine Celestia having these issues. After all, she's been ruling for nearly a thousand years, it's hard to imagine she'd be having such basic difficulties.
Also, the economics thing. (More of a gripe, since I believe that Celestia would probably be leaning more toward raising minimum wage) I think it would be better if she said she wants to raise the minimum wage, but the upper-class would all be against it, and she'd rather not have her capital city, and all the nobles (the ponies that protect her and keep order in the city) wanting to oust her. Falling to inaction (the veto) in the hope that the fallout would be less damaging.
There was no Crystal in this chapter... She's the protagonist and the one that I am most invested in seeing.
Things I liked:
Well, it introduced a conflict that I think will be very interesting for Crystal to be pulled into, one way or another.
I like concept behind a poorly ruling Celestia, (though it lacks a certain level of believability.
And for a side note:
What's with those character tags in the story? At most I think that it should be tagged with OC, Celestia, and Twilight.
Anyway, onto the next chapter.
Let's see, things I didn't like:
Some of the sentences were a little longer than they should have been. It kind of sapped away my attention at parts. Some of the imagery and metaphors didn't seem very apt.
I don't really know why she said 'Momma Mia'. That's Italian for 'My Mother'. But why say that instead of mom, or mother? It just seemed weird is all.
It almost doesn't feel like the previous chapter and this one are connected in any way. The only thing connecting them is the prologue.
Crystal isn't left with much of a reason or goal at the end of this chapter
Things I liked:
I like the self-confident walking scene, and I think the teacher's speaking and actions were actually pretty good.
I did like how Crystal interprets Pitch's voice and how the rest of the students are described in her mind.
Suggestions for future chapters: Try to think about why you are choosing to show certain actions instead of others. When you read each sentence you write ask if it is necessary and why. What does it add to the story, and why do you want to add that to the story? If you want, I'll help you edit your future chapters. Send me a PM if you are interested.
2707757 They will connect maybe in the next chapter or the one after it.
I'm hooked
Things I wasn't too keen on:
I found that in the first few paragraphs, it feels like there was a head-hop from one brother to the other, then back again. From Pitch to Riot, then back to Pitch again. That was sort of jarring.
Some of the descriptions were a bit too much, considering that they didn't really play a big roll in anything that happened plot-wise. (especially the confectionery descriptions, since you go into great detail about them, yet the main character of this chapter probably couldn't care less. That sort of description would have been far more appropriate had Pitch been totally entranced by the confections). While the emotional/character descriptions seemed to fall more to the 'telling' side of 'show and tell'.
Things I liked:
I did like seeing Pitch's character even if I think he's a total asshat and his anger is entirely unjustified. Which makes me VERY worried for Crystal and how he's going to interact with her, which is a good thing since it means I'm engaged by the story as a reader. So you have me very much intrigued for the coming character interaction.
For coming chapters: Try to make sure that the perspective remains on the character you are focusing on. And try to choose to use the right amount of description when writing a scene. Ask: 'What does describing X do for the story?' and try to figure out how much is the right amount to achieve the effect you are looking for.
And when revealing character, doing so through action is always the best way to do so since it makes the story feel so much more alive and natural, instead of telling us 'This is how the character is'. (talking, moving, reacting to others > Telling)
I hope that helps in some manner
2886263
I find your comment about Pitch to be interesting because my editor said that he hopes that things do work out in the end with him and Crystal.
hey Bro! Keep up the good work!
2949182 Thank you for the comment
I love this story! I love how you're actually making Crystal intelligent and her own pony. It's also interesting to see how a blind character works in a world without (From what I can gather) Braille, or common usage of canes, or any of the tools used in this one.
Capitalize the 'I'.
3802494
AHHHH 
Squee