• Published 10th Apr 2013
  • 1,299 Views, 17 Comments

G.N.D: A My Little Dashie Sequel - Nibrudly



When your child leaves and starts living their own life and you’re back to living by yourself, how can you fill the void they left behind?

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David

Today’s the big day. Today’s the day I become a “big brother.” The following Saturday after I signed up was the official start of the program at the orphanage. I had been simultaneously anticipating and dreading this day. One the one hand, I’m finally going to get my mind off my daughter and depression by doing this. However, this is a big commitment; I’m going to be in charge of kid.

After fifteen years of raising Dashie you’d think I would have this in the bag. One, she was a pony: raising a foal is not the same as raising a human child. Two, she was my daughter: I knew her and raised her for fifteen years and we shared a bond of mutual trust and love. Whoever I end up with is going to be a complete stranger and, with all they’ve been through, I seriously doubt they’ll be friendly. And if I screw up I can’t just walk away and go back to my regular life. If I drop the ball, it’s the kid that will suffer; and that’s the part that worries me. I’m sure they’ve taken enough crap; I don’t want to give them more.

Despite my frustrations, the depression makes this a necessity. And if Snowflake thought I would royally screw this up, he would have turned me down in the first place. I’m not planning on being a successful big brother, but I’ll be damned if I’m not, at the very least, a mediocre one. Plus, what would Dashie think if I chickened out? She would never let me hear the end of it. I can already hear her taunting me. She’s not even here and she can still get a rise out of me. That’s all the motivation I need to get out of bed, get dressed, grab my coffee and head out the door.

I run through dozens of possible introductions in the hour it takes me to make my commute. All of them fall short of my expectations. I already feel sorry for whoever Snowflake paired me up with. Hopefully I get a talkative one; that’ll keep me from saying anything stupid. But would that really help me? More importantly, would it help the kid? I take a large swig and the caffeine helps to clear my mind of all worries and expectations. Who I get is who I get, and if we fail to bond I’m going to do my best to make sure it won’t be from lack of effort on my part. I see what Snowflake meant by personal problems can come afterward; I already have more than enough to worry about and I’m not even half-way there!

Eventually, after more contemplations and simulations, I reach my destination and I park across the street from the orphanage. As I enter the building I see a group of adults sitting amongst some rows of chairs by the wall. The turnout is not a big as I was expecting, but then you have to wonder how many people actually make it through Snowflake’s process. I take one of the empty seats and close my eyes, convincing myself one last time that this is a good idea. Only minutes later does Snowflake enter and shake us all with a loud,

“GOOD MORNING! ARE WE ALL ALIVE, ALERT, AWAKE AND ENTHUSIASTIC?!”

When you have that voice being blasted at you, it’s hard not to be. We all give various acknowledgements; some more enthusiastic and cheerful than the rest.

“GOOD! Now, I just wanted to make sure you were all still ready to do this. This is your absolute last chance to bow out with the minimum fallout consisting of a harsh glare as you make your walk of shame. After this, I hold you all personally accountable for what happens between you and your charge. So if anybody suddenly feels they aren’t up to the task, now’s the time to speak up.”

We all cast glances at each other; nobody stands up.

“Good. Follow me, people. Let’s go meet your little brothers and sisters.”

We all fall in behind Snowflake as he leads us through the kitchen into the playroom. As we file in, we can feel the presence of two dozen pairs of eyes looking us over and sizing us up. There’s a lot less kids than I thought there would be. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, I just know we’re standing in line facing our “siblings.” They all vary: some are kindergarteners while others look like they’re in high school; I see as many black and Asian kids as there are white; some appear to be in good health while others have snot flowing from their noses. The interesting thing is that I can see almost the same in our group of adults; varying ages, equal racial representation, even the drippy noses. I don’t know if that was planned or just coincidence, it definitely strikes me as odd.

Whatever thoughts I have are flung from my mind as Snowflake begins the proceedings.

“GO-O-O-OD MORNING KIDS!” About three quarters of the group actually give a response. Less than that actually shows enthusiasm.

“Go-o-o-od morning Snowflake!”

“ARE YOU READY TO MEET YOUR BIG BROTHERS AND SISTERS?!”

The response varied from shouts of enthusiasm to expressions of indifference. Snowflake didn’t waste a minute in introducing us to our pairs. At the start, some of us got along really well with our charge, some had that awkward “first meeting” moment and some were just downright cold. Guess where I fell in that spectrum? Not ten seconds after introducing myself and my “little brother” turned and walked away; settling down into a rocking chair by a window in the far right corner of the room.

His name was David. He was twelve years old, had brown wavy hair, braces on his teeth, and was a few inches taller than you’d expect for a kid his age. His dark-colored clothing seemed to match his mood. He completely ignored my existence as I grabbed one of the kiddie stools and sat down next to him. I tried to start a conversation, but it’s hard to think of topics when the other party looks like he wants to hurt you. But that wasn’t fair of me; as far as I knew he had a good reason as to why he seemed so dark and sullen.

So, with the words failing to come to me, we just sat there for an hour. I looked over my shoulder and glanced at the other pairs. Most of them were talking to each other, a few were even laughing together. I saw a few pairs who were having trouble, but at least they were actually speaking to each other. I felt a pang of shame as I turned back to see David had not moved at all. He still wasn’t looking at me, and I doubt he was any more interested in small talk than he was an hour ago.

As much as I’d hate to admit defeat, I don’t think this kid was going to crack and open up anytime soon. I was thinking of giving up, but the phantom voice of my daughter clucking kept me from acting on that impulse. So I just stared at David, hoping I’d at least annoy him into speaking to me. The more I stared at him, the more I noticed his eyes. I don’t know how to describe it, but they seemed…empty. They looked like they were devoid of any life. This stuck out of me because I had seen those eyes before: every morning when I looked in the mirror.

I have no idea what had happened to him, but I could make an educated guess as to what must have been going through his head as he just stared into space. He was reminiscing; whether the memories were good or bad, he was remembering the time before his world turned upside down. I pictured myself sitting on the couch just staring at a single picture for hours before finally shifting my gaze to look at the next; repeating this cycle until the sun went down. I know it sounds crazy, but I was sure that was what he was doing instead of talking to me. We just continued to sit there for another half-hour before Snowflake announced to everybody our meetings were over.

Although I deemed this meeting a failure, I was determined to say something before I left. I gave careful thought as to what I would say, and then I spoke, hoping David would acknowledge me.

“Look, I know you’re not interested in this “big brother, little brother” thing. And from that look in your eyes I can tell you’d rather like to be left alone with your thoughts. That’s fine by me.”

I rose from my chair and walked to the door. Before I left I turned back towards David, the irony was not lost on me as I said the following:

“But, there’s something you should know David. You can’t start living again until you come to grips with life. I don’t know who they were, but I know you must have loved them so much and they must have loved you. But, until you realize that suffering alone isn’t getting you anywhere, I can’t help you. I’ll see you next week.” I felt like a hypocrite saying that. I was in no position to give coping advice.

As I turned to leave I heard a low voice say “She.”

“What was that?” David was now staring straight at me.

She loved me very much. There was no ‘they.’”

“Want to talk about it?” David just shook his head, his eyes locked onto mine.

“I understand. Is there anything you like?”

“Ice cream. ‘Moose Tracks.’”

“Alright then. The next time I see you I’ll make sure I bring a big tub of ‘Moose Tracks’ with me.”

With that he returned to staring out the window and I made my way down to the lobby. I waved goodbye to Snowflake who was now back behind his desk, looking over some indiscernible forms. I was about to leave when he called out to me.

“Hey.” I turned and faced him.

“Yes?”

“How’d it go with David?”

I’m sure my silence was very reassuring.

“That’s okay. David was one of those ‘tough’ ones I was talking about. Don’t worry, give him some time and I bet he’ll warm up to you. He might even speak in mono-syllabic answers if you’re lucky.”

That was odd. “Actually, he spoke in partial sentences.”

The smile on Snowflake’s face immediately disappeared as a look of shock spread across his face.
“Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how long it took me to get to that point?!”

“Uh…how long?”

“Six months! And you’re with him after only an hour and a half! I can’t believe this!” The smile came back much bigger than before. “I know I’m good at judging character, but I didn’t think I was this good!”

I came over to the desk, confusion filling my mind and my face. “What are you talking about?”

“If David actually formed partial sentences then that means you are way ahead of where I expected you to be. Actually, forget ‘expected,’ you just blew my timetable to bits!”

This was good news. My thoughts of failure turned to thoughts of success and internal fist pumps as I heard this.

“I don’t know what you did, but keep doing it. David’s been here for two years and he still won’t open up to me.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes. You’re the first human being I know of who has been able to get him to talk back in such a short time. If you have already got to that point with David, then you may just be the answer to my problem!”

“Is it that bad?” Snowflake leaned back in his chair and rubbed his head.

“He’s had a tough time. I’m surprised he speaks at all. He’s been my main reason for finding a shrink to work for us. I don’t know exactly everything that happened-but I have a few ideas-and I know it’s causing him pain. And when you hold that hurt in,” he gave a slight wince, “It makes it near impossible to get rid of it later; especially at his age. My window of opportunity is closing; he needs to open up.”

“What should I do?”

“My friend,” he stood up and placed his hand on my shoulder, a look of concern was in his eyes, “I have absolutely no idea. All I know is that right now you’re my best bet at getting him back to some kind of normalcy. So just try your hardest, and I’ll back you up. Okay?”

I gave a nod and he returned to his seat.

“Thanks for coming, I appreciate it. Have a great day!”

I gave a small wave and headed out the door to my car. As I made my way home, I started to think about the situation I now found myself in. David had actually opened up to me? As it hard as that was to believe, if Snowflake was getting excited about it, then I should be as well. It definitely wouldn’t hurt to know I’m making progress. That night, for the first time in weeks, I spent no more than two hours flipping through the album. And when I went to bed that night, for a full ten minutes my head was free of Dashie and my depression. Then I felt it, something I thought I was never going to feel again. I felt normal. No depression, no void. For that small amount of time I felt like myself again. Although it was fleeting, it assured me that I had made the right choice in going to that meeting. Hopefully, this is the start of something good.