When a human clone from the Grand Canyon Province is transported to the Equestrian Wasteland, he finds that his surroundings are not all that's unfamiliar.
I LOVE the game fallen earth. I just can't play it anymore cause my alien ware computer went up in flames so I'm stuck with a crappy old desktop for now. Anyway, love the story mate! If you ever need a pre-reader, just give me a PM.
Hello Detective, it's me Delvius! I happen to like what you're writing so far; it's unique from the majority of FoE stories and it's definitely one of the top ten I've found on this site that is NOT a major story like Pink Eyes (I don't even read it). It's quite good in some aspects -- I particularly like how well-worded your paragraphs are, though I must say that some of the description-giving ones such as those used to describe the details of a location could use a little more work. The problem in that regard I feel are that some of the words mean something that isn't common knowledge, hence people will be a little confused. I hope I didn't sound too harsh there.
Now, dialogue-action wise, the dialogue for me is a wee bit bland, if only for the fact that the characters themselves don't seem to talk too much. The actions that come along with them saying these words, though, are pretty clear and believable, so kudos to you; I can actually imagine it in my head!
This is pretty interesting so far, so I'm faving it and following you to see where you'll take it. I'm only on chapter one so far, but already I'm liking it!
It's pretty good so far, each character was interesting in their own way, and I could see any one of them developing into someone amazing.
However, for constructive criticism I feel I should tell you that a few places struck me as repetitive and unnecessarily wordy. Here's one example: “I can still hear you, sweety,” called a voice from around the corner, followed by a chuckle. The man’s ebony cheeks reddened slightly, embarrassed that his bad-mouthing had been heard by the person it was directed at. We don't need to be told why he's blushing, that much is obvious in the context.
She let out a noise of distaste not directed at him. “Those things are always getting lost or getting broken. "Damn things are so hard to make and so hard to keep unbroken that it's a wonder we even have any spares."
You added extra quotes.
wrapped around the base his of neck
Forgot a word, could be "it's" as well since the woman called him an "it" and apparently doesn't treat clones as people.
One one edge of the single-room enclosure was a small cot
I'm guessing you meant "on".
Baskins said simply, leaning leaning toward the other
Repeat word.
The clone leaned forward closer to the table as he rest his elbows on its surface
Think you mean "rested", although it's 2AM and I'm tired so my grammar isn't really the best to be correcting others with right now.
Probably more that I missed due to 2AM reading, but oh well, they're not really flow interrupting anyway. The reason I haven't read this earlier is because I've never played Fallen Earth and know nothing about it. So, um, can I have a quick overview please?
Although a world without the E.L.O. is a horrid world to be living in, that's for sure.
I mean, none of these good songs:
(This would be a good one to introduce that you're a alien to the ponies.)
Damn. I may have to step up my game if I wish to combat you, my friend. But I am yet to be defeated! En garde!
I LOVE the game fallen earth. I just can't play it anymore cause my alien ware computer went up in flames so I'm stuck with a crappy old desktop for now. Anyway, love the story mate! If you ever need a pre-reader, just give me a PM.
Hello Detective, it's me Delvius! I happen to like what you're writing so far; it's unique from the majority of FoE stories and it's definitely one of the top ten I've found on this site that is NOT a major story like Pink Eyes (I don't even read it). It's quite good in some aspects -- I particularly like how well-worded your paragraphs are, though I must say that some of the description-giving ones such as those used to describe the details of a location could use a little more work. The problem in that regard I feel are that some of the words mean something that isn't common knowledge, hence people will be a little confused. I hope I didn't sound too harsh there.
Now, dialogue-action wise, the dialogue for me is a wee bit bland, if only for the fact that the characters themselves don't seem to talk too much. The actions that come along with them saying these words, though, are pretty clear and believable, so kudos to you; I can actually imagine it in my head!
This is pretty interesting so far, so I'm faving it and following you to see where you'll take it. I'm only on chapter one so far, but already I'm liking it!
It's pretty good so far, each character was interesting in their own way, and I could see any one of them developing into someone amazing.
However, for constructive criticism I feel I should tell you that a few places struck me as repetitive and unnecessarily wordy. Here's one example: “I can still hear you, sweety,” called a voice from around the corner, followed by a chuckle. The man’s ebony cheeks reddened slightly, embarrassed that his bad-mouthing had been heard by the person it was directed at. We don't need to be told why he's blushing, that much is obvious in the context.
You added extra quotes.
Forgot a word, could be "it's" as well since the woman called him an "it" and apparently doesn't treat clones as people.
I'm guessing you meant "on".
Repeat word.
Think you mean "rested", although it's 2AM and I'm tired so my grammar isn't really the best to be correcting others with right now.
Probably more that I missed due to 2AM reading, but oh well, they're not really flow interrupting anyway. The reason I haven't read this earlier is because I've never played Fallen Earth and know nothing about it. So, um, can I have a quick overview please?
Although a world without the E.L.O. is a horrid world to be living in, that's for sure.
I mean, none of these good songs:
(This would be a good one to introduce that you're a alien to the ponies.)
(Doowop dooby doo doowop doowah doolang, enough said. )
(This one is so damn catchy!)
(Catchy and has a good meaning, hold on tight to your dreams! Also: French. )
Anyways, it looks interesting, I'll read the other chapters after I get some sleep.
I noticed some errors. I suggest you have someone go over this