Caramel
If Caramel never had to see another apple again in his life, it would be too soon. Everyday he worked at Sweet Apple Acres his distaste for the red fruit only grew stronger, the only reason he still worked at the godforsaken place was because he didn't mind looking at the apples on Applejack's flank. Caramel was far away from that flank at the moment, off helping Mac fix a fencepost on the Southern edge of Sweet Apple Acres where the farm met the Everfree Forest. Caramel closed his eyes and shook his head as he thought about it; he hated working over by the Everfree forest. While Celestia's sun was shining bright over Equestria a blizzard had formed over the Everfree, and brought with it a cold wind that swept over Sweet Apple Acres.
"Hey Mac! Do you think we could call it early today?" the shivering farmhand called, already knowing the answer, "We're already pretty far ahead of schedule."
"Eenope," replied Mac in his sickeningly slow drawl, "We can get half of tomorrow's work done before sundown if we hurry, I reckon."
Typical, thought Caramel, I don't even think he's noticed the cold.
Caramel sat back on his haunches as he waited for more orders from Big Mac. It had become similar to clockwork by this point, the Apple family would set out a list of chores that would need to be done within a day and the work would be divided accordingly. Granny Smith would be in charge of whatever work needed to be done around the house. Applebloom would get all of the little chores that she could get done after getting home from school, tasks she couldn't possibly mess up even with her friends help. Applebloom still managed to make mistakes though, with her friends Sweetie Belle and... the orange one. That might be their special talents actually, breaking things. Applejack would be in charge of any sales or financing that would need to take place, and would also buck trees when she wasn't off with her friends saving Equestria. Sadly, Equestria needed saving quite often, as it was a ridiculously dangerous place apparently.
Caramel scowled and scuffed one of his forehooves in the dirt, this would leave Mac and Caramel with the brunt of the farm's heavy labor. The problem with this for Caramel was that he wasn't nearly as strong as the large draft horse, and therefore spent a fair share of his day simply fetching tools and making simple repairs just so Mac could do his job without having to run off to do small errands. Half the time, Caramel wound up fetching the wrong tools or simply putting a quick fix on things that wouldn't hold in the long run. Caramel knew this made Mac angry. Mac wanted to work as slowly as possible, always making sure everything was done right the first time. Which didn't happen if Mac had to constantly wait for Caramel to fetch the right tools or if Mac had to stop his work and make sure that Caramel didn't cut any corners on repairs.
That was Caramel's problem with Mac, everything had to last forever with him. A fallen fence post couldn't just be lifted up and pushed back into its little hole in the ground with Mac. Oh no, it had to be taken out and inspected first to see if the wood was in good condition. If the wood was deemed suitable then it fine, Mac would dig a new hole in the ground for it and put it back in. If the wood wasn't up to Mac's standards? Then holy buck, time to start a whole damn carpentry project. It wasn't as if Caramel hated spending an hour or so running back and forth between the tool sheds and the fence fetching carpentry tools, or when he would help Mac cut wood to make a new post every time the damn fence broke, it's just that Mac was awful company the whole time. Caramel was sure that the life-long farmer only learned how to speak just so he could scold farmhands and tell them off when they mucked things up. Mac never spoke more then a few words or so unless he was telling Caramel what to do.
"Hey Caramel, for the third time stop daydreaming and go grab me some two by fours," Mac commanded, pulling the hired help out of his revelry, "There's some spares in the Southern orchard's shed."
"Yeah okay," the farmhand took a second to think about how to get to the Southern shed on the shortest possible path, "The two by fours are on the bottom rack right?"
"Eeyup," was Mac's only reply.
Caramel turned and began to walk down towards the Southern shed, keeping the Everfree to his left the whole way. As the wind from the forest swept across his frame, Caramel thought about the menacing Forest that he had heard tales about as a foal. How manticores from the forest would swoop into town and gobble up stallions and steal away mares for their own pleasure. How Hydras would decorate their homes with the bones of ponies. How if he didn't eat his bucking vegetables like a good little foal, two legged beasts would break into his house and eat Caramel's whole family. How the same beasts enslaved ancient Earth Ponies and forced them to carry the beasts upon their backs.
Caramel had told that unicorn musician Lyra about the last story; turns out she didn't find it half as interesting as he thought she would've. He had heard that she had received a mythology degree at some fancy Canterlot University, and he had thought that talking about some old ponies tale might be a good way to strike up a conversation with her at Pinkie Pie's last party. In a shocking turn of events, it turned out that Lyra didn't give a single magical buck about the creatures and she was tired of everyone bringing them up around her. Maybe it just went to show that just because a mare sat funny didn't mean she was into weird things.
That was beside the point though, what Caramel thought about now was the fact that nobody seemed to give a buck about how dangerous the forest was anymore. Ever since the Elements of Harmony went into the forest and didn't get instantly murdered, everyone and their mother seemed to be taking their vacations in the forest. Caramel preferred it back when it was only monsters and that creepy zebra spent time in the forest, it made life simpler. Now Caramel didn't have a problem with Zecora, he didn't have a problem with any mare that had nice eyes in the front and a flank in the back. Maybe if she didn't speak so weird and live in the middle of Ponyville's local forest of death he would've tried making a move. Now might not be the best time in all honesty, he kind of had a thing going on with Bon Bon, he didn't think she'd be okay with that kind of thing.
Damn it.
His thoughts continued to drift to the mares in town and their respective flanks as he walked. It was a pleasant distraction from the cold. Now that he thought about it, Caramel was definitely a flank-stallion. Sure, some stallions went for wingspan or horn length; Pokey Pierce loved forelegs now that he thought about it. Regardless, Caramel loved flanks, and there was nothing anypony could do to change that. Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted, he heard three screams coming from the edge of the forest. Caramel jumped a little when the Cutie Mark Crusaders ran out of the foliage.
"Help! Help!" Applebloom screamed as she sprinted towards Caramel. The three fillies, none of whom were wearing any winter clothing, all gathered around Caramel and began shouting at the cold and weary stallion.
"Now calm down girls," Caramel speaking down at the foals with a higher-than-average volume, "Applebloom, you tell me what just happened to you three."
"There's monsters in the forest!" yelled Applebloom the moment Caramel finished speaking.
Monsters in the Everfree? Caramel closed his eyes and shook his head with slight annoyance, No shit.
"There was a bunch of big scary monsters in there! Go do something!" shouted the little orange one; Caramel could never actually remember her name.
"Nuh-uh Scootaloo," Sweetie Belle chimed in, "there was only one!'
"How would you know? You didn't look! You were too busy running away! What if a whole bunch came out while you weren't looking?" the little pegasus chimed in.
"Okay calm down you three," Caramel started before Sweetie Belle could chime in, "I'll go check on the big scary monsters, you three go put on something warm and head over to your clubhouse."
"But Caramel!" whined Applebloom whilst putting on her best show of pouting, "Shouldn't we get help? Like the town guards?"
"Rainbow Dash?" suggested the little pegasus.
"Fetlock Holmes?" squeaked Sweetie Belle.
"The Royal Guards?" Applebloom said.
The Crusaders then all turned to one another before they looked at Caramel in unison.
"Princess Cel-"
"Rainbow Dash?" the pegasus filly suggested again. Applebloom facehoofed.
"Scootaloo, y'already said that," Applebloom put a forehoof on her friend's side.
"Scoots, about Rainbow Dash, me and Sweetie have been talking," Applebloom glanced over to her unicorn friend.
Sweetie Belle let out a deep sigh and averted her eyes from her friend, "You have an addiction Scootaloo. We want to help you, but you need to want to help yourself first." Applebloom then drew Scootaloo's attention once more to speak.
"An' we know this because the movies said so."
Scootaloo merely looked between her two friends and smiled, "Eh, I don't really see what's wrong with it," and with that Scootaloo's friends just looked at each other and shrugged, accepting the Rainbow Dash fan-filly's response.
Seriously?
"Fine, go get help," Caramel let out, interrupting the Crusader's intervention before it began again, "Go get Big Macintosh, and I'll check up on these 'monsters'."
"Okay Caramel," replied Applebloom, "While you go scout for the big scary monsters, we'll go get Big Mac just in case somepony needs to fight 'em off! Girls, y'all know what this means?"
"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER MESSENGERS! YAY!"
Caramel closed his eyes and shook his head once more as he watched the three run off to find Big Mac instead of go do quite literally anything else.
Damn it, thought Caramel, Now I actually have to go do something about this.
As much as he wanted to just ignore the Cutie Mark Crusaders' words, Caramel knew that if he didn't at least humor them and venture a suitable distance into the forest, he would be chewed out by Mac for not taking the threat of monsters seriously.
Cursing his luck, Caramel climbed over the fence and took his first steps into the forest he had heard so much about as a foal, he focused his thoughts to his surroundings as the trees above swallowed up the sunlight around him. The wind seemed to get stronger as he stepped into the forest, they whipped around his face forcing him to narrow his eyes and lean his head forward. Caramel darted his eyes from side to side as he hastily scanned the brush around him, looking for whatever these so called "big scary monsters" may be. Caramel noted a distinct lack of animals in the area of his immediate surroundings.
I probably should've asked what the monster looked like, Caramel thought as he crept deeper into the forest, Just remember the facts Caramel, monsters mostly come out at night.
Mostly.
After going what he judged to be far enough into the forest Caramel began to turn around slowly, making sure to stay alert lest he be swooped up and turned into decorations for some forest dweller's home. As the young stallion began to make his way back, he heard a slight noise coming from behind the nearby bushes, just loud enough to be heard over the wind. Caramel hesitated.
It’s probably nothing, Caramel reassured himself, just some squirrels or something running around.
Caramel began to make his way towards the source of the noise, taking care to focus on his steps and avoid making noise and drawing the attention of any predator that may be skulking about in the blind spots of his notice. Caramel shivered slightly and maneuvered himself around the edge of a gnarled tree to get a better view of the source of the noise.
As he peered out around his cover, Caramel saw the culprit, a small brown rabbit that had gotten its foot caught in between some roots in the ground. It struggled to remove itself from its trappings with an obvious sense of panic.
Caramel sighed as he noticed the small creature and began to walk over to the trapped animal. When he got within a forelegs length of the rabbit, he closed his eyes and shook his head at his own apprehension.
"Seriously?" Caramel said to the rabbit, "You live your whole life in this forest and you can't avoid getting stuck?"
After rubbing his hooves together for warmth, Caramel moved a sharp rock just out of the way as he tried to pull one of the twisted roots up enough to free the rabbit. After several attempts, he found that the roots clung firmly to the ground. Caramel then grabbed the root hard with both hooves and pulled harder as the rabbit continued to writhe and squeak in terror.
"Calm down, I'm trying to help you out here," Caramel shivered again as the cold winds grew stronger.
Caramel closed his eyes and shook his head at the rabbit. As he did this, he felt a splatter of warm liquid on his face, a sharp contrast from the biting cold.
"Did you just spit on me you bucking animal!" Caramel shouted wiping his face dry, "Stupid bucking rabbit!"
When Caramel opened his eyes though, he was not met with the frightened rabbit's squeaks and panic. Instead, he saw it convulsing and writhing as it's blood poured out of its neck and onto his hooves and the roots that held it in place. As he moved his eyes upward, he saw the rabbit's face was merely staring at him blankly through dull eyes as its body twitched around a new protrusion that had entered its neck.
Caramel lifted his eyes as he followed the length of the blade that had taken the rabbits life. The weapon was long and white, and a visible layer of frosted air billowed off it as if it was made of some sort of cursed ice. The twisted appendage that held the blade was cracked and frozen, more resembling some sort of five legged spider attached to a foreleg than a hoof. It didn't have forelegs though; it stood on only two legs. Its arm was nearly hairless, with the small amount of fur on its arm tipped in sharp white frost. Its body was bare save a frozen tattered cloth covering its loins and the frost that spread around its body like some sort of frozen moss on a dying tree. Its chest stood still, as if it needed no air to sustain itself. Its head was narrow and ugly, topped with a small mop of white fur that blew around in the frigid wind.The worst was its face though, small, round, and tipped by a sharp nose, striking into Caramel's very soul with its cold, blue eyes.
Caramel's breath hitched, this was it. This was one of the old beasts of legend that was used to scare foals before they went to sleep at night.
This was the end of his life.
Caramel whimpered weakly as the beast drew its blade from the dead animal slowly. Its movements were slow but deliberate, as if it were merely going about the inevitable, making sure to do its killing right and clean. Caramel felt a chill crawl down his spine as what appeared to be a smile cracked across the creature's face. The beast laughed a sharp lifeless laugh as it turned and stalked away slowly, ice sprouting upon the ground like white crystalline flowers where it walked.
The beast never once turned back to look upon its earlier kill, nor at the pony it had left behind.
The cold winds began to recede as Caramel sat and shook on the ground for what felt like a lifetime. Once he began to regain feeling throughout his body, he began to splatter the ground around himself with the contents of his stomach. He shuddered violently with each heave, but he didn't question why the beast had left him there alive.
After Caramel had emptied himself upon the ground, he tried to wrap his mind around what had just happened. He had just encountered an old mare's tale long thought to be nonexistent, a cruel evil monster that enslaved ponies. He had witnessed the murder of a rabbit as he had been trying to help it. Yet though the monster had plenty of opportunities to take his life, Caramel had lived.
Thank the sun! I won't complain about Big Mac anymore! I'll visit my parents more often! I'll donate bits to the filly scouts! Just don't make me have to see that... that thing ever again. Caramel thanked the old spirit of the sun for his fortune.
Caramel heard shouting in the distance and his heart warmed; the Crusaders must have gotten help.
Caramel began to rise to his hooves, his breaths shuddering the whole time. His mouth still burned with the putrid taste of vomit, and his legs shrieked in protest as he tried to flex life back into them. As he rose, his hindlegs gave out beneath him, still reeling from shock.
Caramel lifted his head and tried to shout, but instead wound up dry heaving as his empty stomach still tried to make him vomit.
Damn it, I can't talk.
As he opened his mouth to try and call out for help again, he felt a sharp pain bite into his neck, and his cries came gurgling out of his mouth in a flow of coppery liquid. Caramel couldn't understand what was happening. He collapsed onto his back and looked down at himself, trying to see what was happening.
Standing atop his chest and consuming his vision he saw was the mangled rabbit from earlier, blood still pulsing out slowly from the gaping hole in its neck. The rabbit's head dangled from it's shoulders as there was too little left of it's neck to support its weight. The rabbit began drawing its arm back from his neck, it carried a sharp rock coated in Caramel's blood. Caramel hardly noticed the rock that was drawing his life out of his neck though, and the distant shouting became a white noise in the back of his mind.
All Caramel could focus on as he drew his last, wet choking breaths was the cold blue eyes of the rabbit that had risen from the dead before him.
Then everything went cold.
poor Caramel, [REDACTED]. That's gotta sting.
I've only recently gotten into a game of thrones and I've seen about 2/3 of the first season on Amazon, but my sister is a big fan of the books. I'm liking this so far and look forward to more. *upvote*
Edit: I just realized that was a bit of a spoiler I wrote, does FimFiction have spoiler tags?
2346371 Haha, I was going for the sort of prologue that each of the books have, starting out with some guy just going about his daily life and then just ruining his day.
As for your question I've seen people use spoiler bars on Fimfiction in blog posts, but I'm not 100% sure that they're usable in comments, which seems odd since that's exactly where I'd want them myself.
And the Others invade Equestria...
It's going to be worse than the Necrons...
2346844 Quite possibly yes. A team of highly trained Brothers of the Night's Watch and Samwell Tarly will be making appearances though.
2346950
No Jon/Ghost then? Damn you...
At least we still have Doldorus Edd, right?
2346982 Oh Jon and Ghost will both definitely be apart of the team, I made sure to pick out a picture that had both of them in it for this story. Also Dolorous Edd is a part of the team as well, every story needs some comedy relief.
2347000
Doldorus Edd is the only character who will survive the character-reaping scythe that is GRRM.
It's good to hear that everyone's favourite brothers of the NW will be here, though.
YYYEEEEESSSSS! Lars approves of this very fine fic.
2347013 Eh, I won't say names but I couldn't realistically put too many NW brothers in the story. Originally the story was going to open following Pypar and the NW team, but I got rid of that idea entirely and the first NW chapter will show you the entire team.
2347045 Haha I KNEW that there had to be some ASOIAF fans on this site
2347081
I finished a dance of dragons like forever ago so I'm impatiently waiting for the sixth book to come out but now I have this to sate my thirst with!
2347090
The Winds of Winter- Coming out late 2121.
2347113
fucking seriously?
2347132>>2347113 I don't think it'll actually be that bad, I think the show is gonna make GRRM hurry up. Plus he already gave the full outline for the series to his son and the people at HBO, then there's the fact that you can read the first few chapters of book six online already. I'm not worried at all, I'm just gonna write a story with ponies in the meantime.
I'm not entirely sure if want...
2348564 Any particular reason? Something you don't like?
2349452 I've been waiting for a crossover with this series, but I can't help but wonder if it's any good. The only way to find out is to read it, I realize, but I have around100 other stories to read.
I guess I'm afraid that it'll suck.
2350205 Well I can definitely understand being worried about a crossover you're interested in sucking, I personally am not a huge fan of any of the site's Dishonored stories. All I can say is that the next two chapters are coming out soon, and that the second chapter has some exposition to introduce some important story aspects that people who haven't read any of the books or watched the show may need. So all I can do is ask you to stay around till the third chapter and ask for your feedback then.
I'm assuming you've already read the first chapter too, any feedback on it? Something that shakes your confidence in me as a writer? Anything to just improve upon in general?
2350303 Haven't read it yet, I have a lot more things ahead of this in my cue... I'll give it a read soon though.
It is pretty good, I never watched game of thrones, I've only played the game. Which the game sucked. Anyways, this read pretty well, in fact it is way different from most of the stuff I read. An interesting writing style too, it's so different. Alright now with all that out of the way, there are a few things you need to look out for. Describe the characters actions a little better. There were instances where they seemed to just sit still for an extended period of time. Like when Caramel would have a long thought about the situation. One other thing, you might wanna rewrite that last bit. I's kind of confusing, I don't understand what killed him, and the way it's described is a little off. Besides that, congrats on your first story. I like it, and I'll be sure to be a little more timely in a response.
Final Verdict: Good! I fucking hated Caramel anyways!
2353279 You are a brave soul for trying to take on one of the Games of Thrones games, they were made in the very pits of hell. I would definitely recommend the TV show and books though, it's like Lord of the Rings except without elves and WAY more character death.
Thanks for the compliment too, I'm trying to go for the same style that the books have. Also Caramel had it coming, always fucking everything up, he's the REAL reason Sweet Apple Acres fell apart in Magical Mystery Cure.
More importantly though thanks for the criticism, it's nice getting upvotes and positive comments, but criticism is just as important. I'll be sure to rewrite the ending to this chapter ASAP to make it less confusing for new readers.
On a note totally irrelevant to your comment though, we are now both gold apparently.
2353506 I have no fucking clue what that means... I didn't pay for shit... all this gold business.
2353521 Well apparently knighty is gone and some new guy is in charge, I think this is some sort of weird April Fools joke.
2353553 Indeed, but whatever, even if knighty leaves I won't be that sad.
2353569 Eh, he made a free website that works pretty well. Sucks if he's gone but life goes on.
2353658 Yeah, he did, but this site wouldn't really disappear.
Hey, so I am a huge fan of this series, books and tv show. This isnt bad, Imma track it and also what time in the books does this take place, or is it going to just be alt universe. the main reaon I ask is *spoiler* that there is something that happens in book five that would keep Jon from being in this
2356043 It's an alternate universe, set in the time frame of book two. The differences will be given an explanation next chapter, it's actually pretty easy to change the NW team from book two.
will appear any character of the tv series? i saw the two first seasons, but i haven't read any of the books of a Song of Ice and Fire and i'm happy to see a Game of Thrones related fiction
Also, BEWARE OF THE EVIL DAMNED RABBIT OF THE EVERFREE FOREST
2375187 Yes, all of the characters I have planned for the story are in the tv show, there's a few things in the book that are different in the tv show but nothing in this story that should be confusing if you've at least watched the show.
Also Wight Bunnys ain't nothin ta fuck wit'
the story look promising...but i will only read it when it will have more chapter
2455848 It's coming out within the next week or so. I had to put it on hold for a bit because college athletics started eating up all my free time outside of class and work, but spring season ends this weekend, so I'll be able to put the finishing touches on the next two chapters and post them soon.
seriously. why does this not have more exposure? this is brilliant.
2590382
Life isn't fair, and shitty fics/clop get featured 24/7 while good fics like this stay hidden for no reason. It can be incredibly frustrating at times.
When will the next chapter come out :( it's been almost two months in like 1 week
2591516 Haha, I finished writing it at one point but scrapped it because I didn't like how it turned out. Then finals happened and now I got kicked out of my apartment and won't have much time to write for the rest of the week. The next chapter is coming soon though, I have it about 2/3 written.
2591351>>2590382 Eh, there's obviously some A Song of Ice and Fire fans on the site, but not a whole ton, I'm gonna send this to EQD after I post a few more chapters to try and get some more views.
Well...
[youtube=http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=W_B3dvFMyDE&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DW_B3dvFMyDE]
2632931 Thanks, the next chapter will be up soon.
2347144>>2347132 Ehm guys,dont want to make you all cry but GRRM has said that he may not actually finish WoW (winds of winter not the other thing) because of other stuff and the show. He has told the show producers how it ends just incase he goes to visit R'hllor because hes the only good God the others dont do anything!
2591351
It's just the core market in this site. A lot of people seem to really like romance. I for one (being an ADD, socially awkward guy) don't like romance, I prefer either balls-to-the wall action, an intriguing plot, or a complex environment. Or all three if better.
These stories usually take their time to launch. It sure is doing better than my story, I started in February and have ten chapters. But my view count is still below 200
I think being a crossover helps.
2634631
I get what you're saying, and I know, but it still happens too much. And I'm socially awkward too but I can enjoy romance if it's really well done... but, it's just BS in my opinion. Take from it what you will.
2634618 I saw that too, he's prepared to hand the books over to his son if he passes away as his son has actually written several portions of the fourth and fifth books respectively.
2634631>>2634653 Being a crossover definitely helps, it gives me a built-in audience for my story so I can get feedback way more easily. I specifically decided to write two crossovers as my first two stories because then I can get the most feedback possible before I start writing solely MLP fics(I'm not ready to publish the other crossover yet).
And on the topic of the feature box I'm honestly disappointed in what it's turned into. When I first joined the site there was almost always good fics in it, I would be excited to check it and see what was new on the site. Now it's become storage space for the latest clopfics and whatever the newest fic from some big name author is.
It's like this site stopped being populated by people who browse through the stories and search for something they might like, and started being filled with horny teenagers and the fans of big authors. I like some of the big name authors, but the lack of variety in the feature box has basically made me stop checking it when I come on.
2634653
I like romance, but I think of it as a condiment. It needs to be included with something else. Take Gentleman J's Journey of Graves, it features a coldblooded soldier capable of of action and still manages to learn how to swoon women ( or just one as is the case.). And that means taking the time to create a plausible scenario. That series is actually my favorite.
I live in Mexico, where T.V. pretty much includes the worst stories known to man, which always involve cheap romance. Maybe I just don't know real romance. Who knows.
2634825
Agreed, it's usually only one fic out of ten that's good in the feature box, instead of most, like before.
*Cracks knuckles* Let start, shall we? Now, I have to say that enjoyed the chapter, although I've noticed mistakes you might want to fix.
You really seem to like the word 'though', almost to the point you start overusing it. After doing some research, I've found out that there has to be a comma before and after the word 'though'. The reason behind this is that 'though' is a actually a word that it is redundant in a sentence, it can be erased, and the meaning of the sentence wouldn't change.
Correct: Caramel was far away from that flank at the moment, though, off helping Mac...
Correct: Applebloom still managed to make mistakes, though, with her friends...
Correct: Sadly, though, Equestria needed... (Also, when you start the sentence with one or more words that describe the scene, you place a comma. You can, however, omit it when it's just one word. Example (Erased the 'though': Sadly, Equestria needed... OR Sadly Equestria needed... I always tend to write like the first example, but that's just my personal opinion. Link to know more about these kind of commas.)
Correct: The problem with this for Caramel, though, was that he... Here I find the 'though' actually stopping the flow of the sentence, which doesn't give a good reading experience.
Correct: Half the time, though, Caramel wound up fetching...
Correct: Sadly for him, it turned out...
Correct: Ever since the Elements of Harmony went into the forest and didn't get instantly murdered, everyone and their mother...
I have some doubts here. Was it intended to write 'death forest' or should it be 'a death forest'? Yet, that's not possible, because then it should be 'a dead forest'. See, it gave me some confusion when I read it.
Correct: Now might not be the best time, though, he kind of had...
Correct: His thoughts were interrupted, though, when he heard...
Seems you said: 'screw punctuation.' Correct: Damn it, thought Caramel, Now I actually have to go do something about this.
Correct: Cursing his luck, Caramel climbed over the fence...
You were asleep while you wrote this, weren't you? Correct: I probably should've asked what the monster looked like, Caramel thought as he crept deeper into the forest, Just remember the facts Caramel, monsters mostly come out at night.
Correct: As the young stallion began to make his way, back he heard a slight noise...
Correct: As he peered out around his cover, Caramel saw...
Correct: When he got within a forelegs length of the rabbit, he closed his eyes...
Correct: After several attempts, though, he found that the roots clung firmly to the ground.
Correct: As he did this, though, he felt a splatter of warm liquid...
Correct: When Caramel opened his eyes, though, he was not met...
Correct: Instead, he saw it convulsing... (Again, you can choose with or without comma)
This sentence just doesn't sound right. I've got a suggestion: As he moved his eyes upward, he saw that the rabbit's face was merely staring at him with blank, dull eyes as...
Yeah, you know what's wrong here.
And again + a punctuation mistake. Correct: The worst was its face though, small, round, and tipped by a sharp nose, striking into Caramel's very soul with its cold, blue eyes.
Correct: Once he began to regain feeling throughout his body, he began to splatter...
Correct: After Caramel had emptied himself upon the ground, he tried to wrap his mind around what had just happened.
Correct: As he rose, his hindlegs gave out beneath him, still reeling from shock.
No comment.
Yeah, punctuation doesn't seem to be your best friend.
The next chapter will be for tomorrow, since I spent two hours on this chapter. When the mistakes in this chapter and the next are fixed, I can approve it.
Ok, here's what I think so far: I wasn't really looking for grammar mistakes, more on story and plot whys. Though, I did notice some places that should probably have a comma. And also this:
Notice anything repeated? You used chime three times in a row. using the same verb in a row can get really annoying. I advise using something else to avoid repeated words within each sentence.
Also, if Caramel is dead, then why does he have a character tag if he isn't going to be in this story? His only purpose in this story was to die in the first chapter, from what I'm getting at. And if that's the truth, then he should not be granted a tag.
Other than that, the story is fine on pacing. Can't give my full opinion until I read the next chapter, which I'll read later, because I'm just too dizzy to focus on another chapter right now.
Welp. That's that. Caramel's fate is three for three in each of your stories. Poor pone. He may be a loser, but nobody deserves to be killed by a zombie rabbit. It's one of those deaths that manages to be perfectly absurd, horrifying, brutal, and emasculating all at the same time.
Oh well. Maybe now Mac can actually get his work done properly.