Chapter 2: A Walk in the Woods
Big Macintosh
It struck Big Macintosh as somewhat odd that he had never made a decision in a dream before. There was only one set of possible events in a dream, a destiny that would drag the surreal reality forward.
Sometimes there wasn’t any decision to be made in a dream, just events that could only be observed. Mac would dream he was walking through the apple orchards in a daze, no known goal in mind, but there was always a destination. There was always something that had to be done. Some nights he would find himself headed towards the barn to fetch tools for some odd job. Other nights he would be in the schoolhouse as a young colt again, dreading some sort of presentation where he would be forced to speak in front of his entire class. It was like traveling down a long road, wandering towards an inevitable goal.
Big Macintosh relished nights when there were decisions to be made, because then there was no free will, he would know the decision well before he had to make it. There was a refreshing certainty to action without thought. If Mac was walking down a path towards a mountain, then it had to be climbed, he couldn’t turn back no matter how steep the ascent. No matter what terrors stood in Mac's way, no matter what variety of beast followed him, he would have the strength to press on. Some nights Princess Luna would visit him in his bedroom, Big Macintosh had no problem pressing forward on those nights.
Tonight was no different, he moved with an unknown purpose towards a predetermined goal. As Macintosh looked around, he could see he was far from home, walking through the thick brush of the Everfree Forest. Ancient roots reached up from the ground to grab onto his legs and break his stride. The arms of the trees loomed far above him, barely letting the dull light of the waxing moon above push its way through the thick foliage. Step by step Macintosh was dragged forward, the gaps between trees growing gradually smaller as he trekked further into the haunted forest.
Big Macintosh knew why he was here, he knew why he had been in the Everfree every time he closed his eyes for the past day. He was searching, scouring the forest for Caramel. That day Macintosh hadn’t known where Caramel was, he searched well after the sun had gone down for the lazy farmhoof. Macintosh didn’t take the detours that he had during his original search this time, he was moving in a straight line towards his goal. There were no split paths to choose from, no obstacles that impeded him, and no turning back.
The thought occurred to Big Macintosh that he had to wake up, that when he first walked this path that day that he had discovered something in this part of the woods. Something that he should have never found. Reliving this memory wouldn’t help him escape it, he had to get up and start running again before it found him. Mac began to feel his body try to resist.
The dream continued its harsh pull, dragging Mac deeper into the depths of his mind as he struggled. Despite his attempts to concentrate on the outside world, he couldn’t force his conscience from the path that stood before him in his mind. One step at a time, his legs were hauled forward, carrying him through the towering forest that seemed to close in around him. His hooves sinking deep into the soft dirt below him, he struggled against the grip of the dream world, but it had wrapped itself tight around his mind, plunging the simple farmer deeper into its surreal world, blurring his sense of reality.
Mac saw the last line of trees in front of him, recognizing them by the their distinctive cool, white bark. Mac's legs pulled him into the small clearing in the trees, his mind began to shudder as he looked into the small clearing. A ghostly chill blew across Mac's body as he stepped out of the tree line and into the small, circular patch of treeless land. Mac's eyes snapped onto the sprawled out form of the pony in the center of the clearing, the unimpeded moonlight emphasizing the pony and the puddle of liquid that slightly shone in the soft glow. Mac had been afraid of what he might find of Caramel in the forest, and his breath hitched as what appeared to be his worst fear come true.
Mac tried to stop himself from moving forward, to stop himself from getting any closer to what had once been Caramel. When Mac had first found the farmhoof lying facedown in the dirt, Mac had thought that he had just been hurt. That he needed some medical attention. As Mac now drew within hoof touching distance of what had once been Caramel, he began to mentally prepare himself for what was to come.
Dream-Mac prodded at Caramel's body, trying to coax a reaction out of the young stallion. After several shakes, Caramel began to stir, and for a moment Dream-Mac had thought that everything was alright, that Caramel had simply gotten lost in the forest and taken a nap. The hired farmhoof had a tendency to comment on occasions when ponies ventured into the forest as if it wasn't a big deal, and had decided to test out the dangers of the forest himself.
Had Mac not spotted the fact that Caramel's chest wasn't moving, that he wasn't breathing at all, Mac would've died right then.
Mac's muscles had tensed tensed when he noticed the stillness of Caramel's chest as he rose, and when his hoof shot up to strike at Mac, he barely managed to draw his head back in time.
Mac stumbled backwards, momentarily confused at Caramel's action. Mac paled when Caramel had stood up and faced him, a jagged line of fur matted down by hardened blood ran across his neck, forming a macabre necklace. The rest of his fur was coated in a white frost that cracked and fell off of Caramel in pieces as he moved. Caramel's once dark blue eyes had turned a gripping cold blue, locking onto Mac as what had once been Caramel began to move slowly towards the scared farmer.
Mac turned around to run, but stopped to look over his shoulder at what Caramel had become. Mac couldn't leave his friend like this, he didn't know what had happened, but he couldn't let this be Caramel. Mac began to tense his legs, sore from hours of hiking through the Everfree, but Mac had more than enough strength to buck hard. Mac planted his forehooves into the ground and rocked his weight forward as Caremel came closer. Even in his dream, Mac could still feel the unbelieving apprehension that had filled him, but it had happened so quick, and his body had filled with adrenaline so quickly that he had barely registered his own thoughts at the time.
When Caramel came within a leg's length to grab at Mac, the apple-bucker struck out with all of his might. It was enough force to dent a strong tree, Mac had done that regularly, so when Mac felt his hindlegs strike their target and heard the loud crack that followed, he assumed that he had ended the fight.
Mac didn't look behind him when his hindlegs reconnected with the dirt, he didn't want to see the damage he had done to Caramel's body. Mac tried his best to be a peaceful stallion, he didn't want to know what he could do when he struck out as hard as he could. The small, waking part of Mac's mind told him to run, to pay attention to the fact that Caramel was getting back up, but his dreamself was too lost in his own thoughts to notice. Dream-Mac was too overwhelmed by the fact that he had just started thinking about what was going on, and didn't realize that his buck wasn't the fight-stopper that he had assumed it was until he felt Caramel's hooves wrap around his back.
Panicking, Mac began to buck and jump to try and shake Caramel's grip, which only served to make Caramel squeeze harder onto the farmer. When the force of Caramel's forelegs started to make breathing harder, Mac lashed back his right elbow repeatedly to try and force Caramel off. With each solid strike against Caramel, Mac slowly began to grow more tired, and by the strength behind Caramel's grip, Mac's strikes seemed to have little effect.
Caramel began to inch his way forward along Mac's body, the undead farmhoof's forelegs getting closer and closer to Mac's neck as the farmer continued to struggle. Mac's breathing became more labored, he refused to die here. Grunting and braying with effort, Mac mustered up his energy and threw his body into the air and backwards, landing hard on the tightly packed ground.
Mac's head crashed against the hard ground when he landed, dazing him for a few moments, but the landing had managed to force Caramel off of Mac. Even in his momentary confusion, Mac still had the presence of mind to get away from Caramel as fast as he could. Mac dashed in between the trees and started to run as fast as his tired hooves could carry him. All around him the forest seemed to cry out in anger, the animals of the forest upset with this loud intruder who sprinted through their home.
As the howling of the animals grew louder, the farmer tried to run faster, tried to force his way through the twisted woods, but his legs struggled to find purchase below him. He began drifting in a sea of dying plants and unfamiliar landmarks. Mac soon found himself in another round clearing in the forest, surrounded by white trees with faces. The long, bony branches of the trees reached out and surrounded Mac as he drifted and began consuming his vision, Mac could feel their red eyes digging into him. Big Macintosh began to tremble, no longer able to remember why he had been running in the first place, sobbing as the faces circled him. Slowly the mouths on the faces began to open, a hollow ringing noise coming from deep within them, mixing with piercing shrieks, and the harsh howling of the wind.
Mac was tossed about by the noise, his broken sobs drowned out by the flood of sound that carried him. Mac's eyes searched for an escape, some way to get away from the mayhem that was consuming him, but the faces grew larger around him and began to close in. Mac's body shook to the rumbling emanating from the creature's gaping mouth, shaking his very core as a lone face began to consume all of his vision.
The eyes on the face slowly began to glow as if a bright fire burned behind them, as if it was waking up from a long sleep. Its eyes bore into Mac, making him feel as if all of his physical being had been stripped away, leaving him more vulnerable then he had ever been before. All of the sound around Mac slowly began to fade into the distance as the ethereal face uttered words in some sort of foreign language. A long speech spoken in words that sounded almost like a song, it wasn't until the end that Mac understood a single sentence of what the face was saying.
"Winter is coming."
With those words ringing in his mind, Big Macintosh woke up.
Big Macintosh's eyes opened slowly, he looked around from side to side to try and get a grasp on his surroundings. The first thing that registered in his mind was that he was light-headed from dehydration and exertion, he had been running through the forest since that afternoon. At first he had been trying to find Caramel, now he was trying to escape him.
The world around Big Macintosh throbbed, his head still in pain from when he had fought what was once Caramel. The world around him spun momentarily in a feverish haze, Mac had taken enough blows to the head to know when he had a concussion. Closing his eyes momentarily, Mac tried to concentrate on what he had been taught about wildlife survival when he was in the Colt Scouts. Mac slowly began testing out each portion of his body to see how badly he was hurt. Shifting his hindlegs, he could tell that his left hindleg had a nasty series of cuts just above the hoof, and as he made to stand he could feel the light weight of his half-packed saddle-bags weighing him down.
Raising fully to his hooves, Big Macintosh shook nearly a quarter of an inch of snow from his body, it had begun to snow while he was out. As he began brushing snow off of the rest of body and saddlebags, Mac started to feel his headache fade slightly, opening his eyes he could see a light snow falling from the cloudy sky. Mac narrowed his eyes at the brightness of the sun, even through the clouds the light bothered his vision, and though he couldn't tell for sure it appeared to be early morning. Taking note of his surroundings, he could see that he had been laying in the middle of a small clearing of trees. He winced as he recalled the similarities to the trees that he had seen in is dream, with their cold white bark and staring faces. Mac decided to chalk up the faces as one of the many reasons why he would never allow either of his sisters into this forest ever again.
Looking through his bags, Mac sighed as he took inventory of what he had brought with him, none of it would prove to be of much use. All he had brought with him was a carving knife that attached to the hoof, a wooden ruler with a balance, the cores of three apples that Mac had meant to be a snack for work before he had ventured into the forest, and his badge that proved he was the vice-captain of the Ponyville Militia. Mac grunted at the thought of the militia, he couldn't think of a more useless town guard program possible, and now they would be the ones called upon to search the Everfree for him.
Mac lifted his saddlebags back onto himself as he thought about the Militia, their roots had started when Mayor Mare had decided to make budget cuts on the Ponyville Guard, deciding that the town would be better if it didn't have to pay for an entire guard system that she had deemed "outdated", leaving the town entirely defenseless. Ponyville had payed the price for this naivety when Nightmare Moon had overthrown Celestia, since the lack of local law enforcement meant that the Princess's Royal Guard contingent had to ensure the safety of the town before they could pursue the villainous Nightmare Moon. After this event, Mayor Mare installed the militia, naming her nephew Thunderlane as commander and Big Macintosh as his second in command. Their current success could be summed up by their impact on stopping Trixie from taking over Ponyville.
Which was to say none at all.
Mac raised his head to look into the treeline, there wasn't time to dwell on that now, he had to pray that Thunderlane could get the stallions together and organized as fast as he possibly could. Mac began walking in the direction he assumed was North in hopes of getting into the militia's search area, if they could find him, then he could get home. Or they would all be lost together, either way his odds would improve. Maybe they would have water, his throat felt rough and dry.
Either way, I best get a move on, Mac winced at the thought, thinking hurt.
Mac had to go North, but he didn't have a compass. He could vaguely remember some way of being able to tell which direction was North, something about how moss grew on trees.
Mac stepped through the treeline, he had to go tell the rest of Ponyville about what was happening. From what Big Macintosh could tell, whatever happened to Caramel had happened to animals as well, as a rabbit had jumped out of the brush to attack him yesterday while he had been fleeing Caramel. Its head hung on a thread by the loose remnants of its neck, and it came at him with an awkward gait due to a broken leg. It carried a sharp bloodied rock that it waved towards Big Macintosh in a small arc. Mac stopped it by stomping on it. Hard.
A lot.
Mac maneuvered around a large stone that stood in his way, maybe somepony else knew how to stop all of this without kicking or stomping. Because Mac had tried kicking Caramel, and all Mac had gotten for it was a concussion.
Mac bowed his head as he pressed on, he couldn't think about it now, there was a long march ahead of him. It was best to simply think of the marching as a rhythm, paying attention to the repetitious actions that carried him forward. Mac focused on the crunching of the snow beneath his hooves, letting the rhythm carry each step he took.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Concentration was key to this practice, he had to focus on the noise just enough so it drew his attention away from the soreness of his legs and the tiredness of his body. Also from the fact that what was left of Caramel was possibly still chasing him.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.
If he focused on the noise too hard, then he wouldn't pay attention to what was around him, he might trip on a root if he wasn't careful. He would have to be careful about that too, as he didn't think he had enough energy to pick himself back up if he fell.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Or he might get killed by a dead rabbit if he wasn't paying attention and the roots wouldn't matter.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Mac's throat began to burn and he stopped momentarily to fall onto his haunches, he picked up some snow to put in his mouth.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Mac let the cool snow slide down his throat, a small relief from the pain that his body had gone through in the past day. His eyelids began to feel heavier as he rested.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.
The thought occurred to Mac that there wasn't supposed to be a crunching noise anymore, he wasn't even moving. Then his head began to throb again and he stopped thinking.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.
This was nice, his throat didn't hurt as much anymore, and he was resting his legs for a moment. He was sure that he had time before Caramel caught up to him, he had walked in what he assumed was the direction of Ponyville.
Suddenly, a great force threw Mac onto the ground like a ragdoll. In his weariness and shock he could hardly even try to pick himself up off the ground. Before he could even gather his senses a heavy weight fell upon his chest, pinning him to the ground. Mac opened his eyes. This was it. Caramel had found him. Caramel's blackened and bruised head didn't seem to bother him as he brought his hooves down around Mac's neck.
Mac smashed his forehooves into Caramel's face, trying to force the smaller stallion off. It was useless though, this time Caramel's grip held firmly to Big Macintosh's neck. As Mac's struggles began to weaken, the world started to turn black and cold. Big Macintosh could no longer find the energy to fight back, his forelegs falling limply to the ground at his sides. Soon the world was all darkness aside from Caramel's face.
Then a bright light shattered the darkness, and Big Macintosh breathed in.
Caramel had been knocked off of Mac by some unseen force, and a flaming arrow now sprouted from his neck. As Mac saw Caramel begin to rise again, a black blur set upon the undead stallion with a torch, planting it firmly into its neck alongside the arrow. Within moments, Caramel was consumed by fire, and Mac smiled as he realized his chase was over. Big Macintosh made to get back onto his hooves, but was knocked back onto the ground before he could right himself.
Big Macintosh opened his eyes, on top of him stood the largest wolf he had ever seen. Its fur was an almost blank white, emphasized by the blazing red of its eyes which dug straight into his own. Mac could feel the sharp claws of the wolf puncture his chest where they rested. The wolf's open jaws hung inches above Big Macintosh's neck, its teeth a quick snap away from ending his life. Mac concluded that the wolf mustn't have been trying to kill him, it would've been far too simple for it to end his life had it wanted to.
"Oi Jon," a voice called out from behind the wolf, "This horse looks a lot less dead than the other one."
"Aye Dolorous, there's bags on this one," this voice was different from the first, "Check to see what it’s carrying."
"Aye Lord Snow," the first voice spoke again as it drew closer, "Bag's got a picture of a' apple on it."
"Then the first bite's yours," the figure that Mac assumed owned this voice stepped into view around the wolf, "Ghost, to me."
The creature, Lord Snow it seemed, was walking straight to where Big Macintosh was laying. Whatever "Lord Snow" was, it seemed to be the one in charge its group as the the wolf and his companion immediately went about their orders. The one in charge was a fairly tall... thing that walked on two legs and it had two arms similar to a minotaur, except this creature lacked the imposing upper body of one. It had a small round head and a dark black mane that reached its shoulders, its skin was a milky white that emphasized the blackness of its cloak. From its neck down, this creature wore blackened leather and chainmail, almost entirely covered in some sort of dark fur. Mac shuddered at the thought of wearing a dead animal's fur. Lord Snow also carried some sort of weapon at its waist that was entirely covered by its clothing barring the hilt which was tipped by an oddly shaped white rock. It began to help Big Macintosh to his hooves.
Mac glanced over at the other creature, seemingly named Dolorous, that was kneeling in the snow, holding Mac's unopened saddlebags upon its knee. It was dressed similarly to Lord Snow, entirely in blackened leather, chain mail, and fur, at his side he laid down a tall wooden bow. While Mac couldn't tell for certain, since Dolorous was kneeling, he seemed to be taller than Lord Snow, and if the slight increase in size was anything to go by, Dolorous also seemed to be older than Lord Snow.
"I haven't 'ad an apple in ages, when I was a kid I always had to eat the cores since all me brothers and sisters got to 'em first," Dolorous spoke in a rather flat tone, "And the cores are tasteless."
"Then take the first bite," Lord Snow said as he brushed some snow off of Big Macintosh, "Just toss me one and save some for everyone back at camp."
As Lord Snow started to look over Big Macintosh to make sure he was healthy, wiping a bit of blood away from the draft horse's eye. Dolorous cut the strap off of Mac's bag and overturned it onto the snow, letting the small assortment of items fall to the ground. Including the apple cores.
"Typical," Dolorous stared forlornly at the three husks of apples that had landed in the dirt and snow.
"Well then," Lord Snow turned back to look at the contents of Mac's saddlebags, "Whoever packed this horse's bags wasn't planning to go far."
"I packed those myself," Big Macintosh decided to speak for the first time, "I didn't think I'd need much else."
Lord Snow's head whipped so hard across its neck, that in Big Macintosh's haze, it seemed the head might've up and decided to fly off. Lord Snow then merely blinked and stared at Big Macintosh as if he had grown a second head. The white wolf, Ghost if Big Macintosh remembered correctly, tilted its head at the sound of Mac's voice, but betrayed no other sign of surprise. Dolorous slowly rose off of the ground, his head turning to meet Big Macintosh's eyes.
"Go bugger yourself."
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awesome crossover is awesome
I am going to be very disappointed of Celestia or Twilight doesn't impale Joffery with the horn. Though great chapter, was unsure about the dream bit at first, yet it was actually very well done. Also wee small thing, It is a bit weird that the ponies speak westerosi though it will certainly make some entertaining comments. Oh God Danny and Spike
looking forward to that, keep it up m8
2670751 Thanks, anything you liked in particular?
2671944 You'll be surprised in the future my friend, this story only just begun.
2673501 the build-up is so exiting
AND i love john snow so thats good too
2673501 Ehhh compared to what GRRM has done to me, I doubt I would be surprised at most things tbh. Including what happened in the last episode, plus the theories of who is not dead and the time travelling tree boy mean to surprise me you may need a Jon love interest with Sam the Wizard
2675764 No Jon/Samwell to be found here I assure you of that, and I have a few tricks up my sleeve. I don't consider killing a character off to be shocking in an ASOIAF fic, everyone does it.
2675893 so what your saying is your not gonna kill people off
that would be a surprise. Anyway, stop replying and write!! You have done a GoT and just made us want more and then hold it off
2676359 I write as I reply, you don't have enough badges to stop me
2676521 I have a level 5 MagiKarp on Pokemon Red, Ill have you know.
2676583 Ok, I need to get back to writing now. There's no point KO'ing your Magikarp with my level one Hoppip, we all know I can do it in one hit.
So on one end of the haunted/everfree forest is equestria?
2689593 Yeah, on the South side of the forest there's Westeros, and on the North side there's Equestria.
2689690
So what does that mean equestria is on the clear other side of the world from westeros?
2689853 Essentially, yes. To ponies the Everfree is a large unknown forest in the South, to people the Haunted Forest is a large unknown forest in the North.
2689872
Wow... who knew Westeros's climate and biosphere were that frakked up
2690204 If you think that I didn't think about the science of it all I can happily assure you that I've thought this through. Think of it as if the forest is the North Pole and Westeros and Equestria are on opposite sides of it.
2690260
Wouldn't that make the forest north to both of them?
Eh screw it. Good chapter.
2690363 That would be too confusing, I showed that to my original prereader and they said it was far too confusing for them to both say the forest was in the North, so ponies say its in the South.
2690376
in some way i guess. Unless your using a globe or a map.
2691250 In a crossover universe with talking magical unicorns, dragons, giants, griffons, direwolves, and a royal family that can control the cycling of day and night this isn't the most unbelievable thing in all honesty.
Sorry for the sarcasm, but it was too tempting to not take this opportunity.
2691686
No no it was good.
2766533 Holy shit, this is easily the most in depth review I've ever gotten on my work. Thanks man!
You're right about the half-asleep comment, almost half of this was written on my phone late at night while I was having computer problems. In fact most of my writing is done late at night since that's pretty much the only time when I can actually sit down for an extended period of time and get stuff done.
Dear God, I never noticed all of the "though" in this, I use the word a lot when speaking so it just came out of me it would seem. Also I believe we've been over the fact that I'm not great with punctuation, I just never realized how bad I was at it until now.
Well, overall I'm glad to see that the only thing that seemed to be stopping me from getting accepted was grammar, because all of that is correctable. I'll have this fixed tonight when I van get around to fixing all of this.
Thanks again
2767145 You know, this is the first time I actually edit for someone + English is not my native language. Pretty good, huh?
2769797 Sir, you already know more about commas than I do. I'm both impressed at your knowledge, and disappointed in myself at the same time.
2770139 Don't be. Your first stories are always the worst, you'll improve. If I look at my first stories, I cringe and throw up. Yeah, it's that bad. It's also good if you hire an editor who can spot little mistakes. I hire an editor each time I write a story, because sometimes I have weird phrasing, due to the fact that the phrasing in English is different from the phrasing in Dutch. That's a downside of being multilingual (Dutch, English, and French).
So basically: keep writing, you'll improve.
2770285 I'm still pretty happy about how this turned out, don't get me wrong. I actually think that grammar aside this turned out okay. I'll just do better on chapter 3, and go over chapter 4's grammar again.
And here we go.
I think there's a 'the' missing between those words, or do you say it like that in English? Just some confusion on my part. If you say it like that in English, then obviously don't change it.
Um, I don't know what happened here, but 'The large leaves of the nearby plants' can't be a sentence on its own, since it doesn't have a verb. If it is a sentence on its own, which I highly doubt, you forgot the period.
Correct: Macintosh didn’t take the detours that he had during his original search, though, he was moving...
This sentence is important, it might even give you some knowledge about though and commas. See, the complete sentence is divided into two separate clauses. 'Macintosh didn’t take the detours that he had during his original search, though' and 'he was moving in a straight line towards his goal.'. Every time 'though' is at the end of a sentence or an independent clause, you place a comma before the word. Here, though is at the end of an independent clause, thus you place a comma.
Correct: The dream continued its harsh pull, though, regardless of Big Macintosh’s...
I suggest this website to learn more about commas and their rules.
Correct: Despite his attempts to concentrate on the outside world, he couldn’t force...
Reason: Introductory clause
Correct: One step at a time, his legs were hauled...
Reason: Introductory clause
Correct: His hooves sinking deep into the soft dirt below him, he struggled against...
Reason: Introductory clause.
Correct: He had been mending a fence post on the edge of the Southern Orchard, or at least he would’ve been had that lazy Caramel decided to actually hurry up and fetch the two-by-fours he had asked for.
Reason: you start with 'he', it would only be logical if you end with 'he'.
Correct: Mac had been rushing through his work that day, trying to finish as much of tomorrow’s work as possible, so he could have the afternoon off.
Reason: Joining two independent clauses.
Correct: Just remember, be confident, Mac stared at his hooves determinedly, Mares love confidence.
Correct: As he ran, he heard the shrill screaming of the Crusaders grow closer.
Reason: Introductory clause.
Correct: The trees surrounded him as he drifted...
Correct: Caramel had been dead when Mac found him, throat cut by some sort of creature, as Mac made to head into town to get help, though, Caramel had gotten up...
Beware, though, because this is a major run-on sentence. I suggest this: Caramel had been dead when Mac found him, throat cut by some sort of creature. As Mac made to head into town to get help, Caramel had gotten up and had then tried to kill Mac.
Correct: For his effort, Mac had cut one of his legs on the bone fragments, and (had) taken a wicked hoof across his temple.
Crrect: Even after three days of hiking, the world still swam slightly.
Correct: Shifting his hindlegs, he could tell that his left hindleg...
Correct: Raising fully to his feet (hooves?), Big Macintosh shook nearly...
Correct: As he began brushing snow off of the rest of his body and saddlebags, Mac started to feel his headache...
Correct: Mac narrowed his eyes at the brightness of the sun, even through the clouds the soft light bothered his vision, and though he couldn't tell for sure, it appeared to be early morning.
Correct: Taking note of his surroundings, he could see that he had been laying...
Reason: Introductory clause.
Correct: ...that she had deemed "outdated", leaving the town entirely defenseless.
Correct: After this event, Mayor Mare installed the militia...
Reason: Introductory clause.
Correct: Looking at one of the nearby trees, he could see...
Reason: Introductory clause.
Correct: From what Big Macintosh could tell, it had happened to animals...
Reason: Introductory clause.
Correct: Mac bowed his head as he pressed on, he couldn't think about it now, though, there was a long march ahead of him.
Correct: If he focused on the noise too hard, though, then he wouldn't pay attention to what was around him, though, he might trip on a root if he wasn't careful.
Correct: In his weariness and shock, he could hardly even try to pick himself up off the ground.
Reason: Introductory clause.
Correct: Before he could even gather his senses, a heavy weight fell upon his chest, pinning him to the ground.
Reason: Introductory clause.
Correct: "Oi Ghost, get off that horse!" a shout sounded in the nearby, "This one still has its head."
Correct: As the sound grew closer, Big Macintosh began to open his eyes...
Reason: Introductory clause.
Correct: "Dolorous, there's bags on that horse," this voice was different from the first, "Check to see what it's carrying."
Correct: From its neck down, this creature wore blackened leather and chain mail, all topped in some sort of dark fur.
Reason: Introductory clause.
Correct: Lord Snow also carried some sort of weapon at its waist that was entirely covered by its clothing barring the hilt which was tipped by an oddly shaped white rock.
Correct: While Mac couldn't tell for certain, since Dolorous was kneeling, he seemed to be taller than Lord Snow, and if the slight increase in size was anything to go by, Dolorous also seemed to be older than Lord Snow.
Correct: "I haven't 'ad an apple in ages, when I was a kid I always had to eat the cores since all me brothers and sisters got to 'em first," Dolorous spoke in a rather flat tone, "And the cores are shit."
Correct: "First bite's yours then," Lord Snow said as he brushed some snow off of Big Macintosh, "Just toss me one and save some for everyone back at camp."
Correct: Lord Snow's head whipped so hard across its neck(,?) that in Big Macintosh's haze, it seemed the head might've up and decided to fly off.
I'm not sure about the first comma. If you aren't sure too, then I'd suggest just dropping it.
There, finished. Phew, that was quite the work. I'm not sure if I found every mistake, but I think I found most of them. If you fix these mistakes too, I can approve it.
Also, I wouldn't mind joining you in this project. I'm reading the books (In Dutch, that is), but I've watched the three seasons of GOT.
2771460 "The large leaves" was apart of a different sentence. I didn't finish that sentence in my second draft, but changed that mistake in my third. So I've only just now realized that I've posted the wrong draft of the second chapter
I copied and pasted this chapter from Microsoft Word because GDocs was struggling, I saved both files with similar names and must've grabbed the wrong one. So this chapter has all of my errors from my second draft, I need to start posting these things at normal people hours so I can catch these mistakes.
Bleh, I'm looking down your list and seeing some mistakes I caught myself when I wrote the final draft. I've disappointed myself
Hmm that read slightly better than the first draft :P I liked the dream sequence though all I thought was 'Time Travelling tree' Its what the books have done to me. Also for your Chapter 3 Teaser.... Jon SNow is such a Tease. Ygritte had to practically rape him.
Alright, so what I can conclude from this chapter is that its a build-up sequence for the story. I can tell that the story will get moving in the next chapter, with the introduction of John Snow.
But for what you have now: you seem to have a clear path for this story; the threat is introduced in the first chapter, that helps pull in readers. However, I'm just a bit upset that the second chapter took place, not only in a dream, but a dream about Big Mac finding Caramle as a white walker, which is exatally what happened. Why make it a dream sequence if it just happened? And further more, who falls asleep in the everfree forest? what? did Caramle not want to wake Mac up while he tore him to shreds, so he waits for him to wake up before he attacks? I don't think a White Walker would lose its pray that easily.
The point I'm trying to say is that it would have been better to start the chapter with Big Mac going in to look for Caramel, and do everything like you did so forth, minus the falling asleep part.
This isn't a problem, it's just something I had a bit of trouble understanding. For the story itself, it's pretty good for only two chapters. I'm sure the next chapter will be where the real story begins.
And that's my two bits.
I hope this was good enough of a review for you. because I've only done one review for someone else, which makes this my second review.
2976750 I can change the chiming part easily, thanks for spotting that, it feels a bit embarrassing to have missed that.
As for the dream sequence in chapter 2, it does have a reason to be a dream and not just a regular waking action scene. All I can say on the matter is that its important that Big Macintosh wakes up surrounded by holy trees after passing out from a concusion.
Very perceptive of you though, nobody else has really seemed to bat an eye at that fact so far, not even my prereader seemed to have caught that.
Thanks for the review
Well. How rude.