We follow the tale of an adopted circus boy, who is out of work, when an old friend extends an invitation for another form of entertainment. Sadly James is not without flaws, a mutant with an unusual ability...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This shows some promise, as you suspected, there are many mistakes of grammar and pacing - but nothing major. But two things that really must change are
NEVER use, brony slang in fiction, it is just bad writing.
And
? Is he an actual mutant, or is he just foolish enough to attempt to set a broken femur? If it is intended that he is a mutant, you may want to add an AU tag, as "our" world in the original G4M universe have no special abilities.
A good start to what seems to be an interesting story. Though, a few things. If he is some type of mutant that should have been something that gets explained at the beginning, plus if he is this should be in the AU folder, not the Original Universe one. Also, never use briny slang in these stories.
2243569 Thank you very much.
2244587
Yes, the femur is the largest long bone in the body, and has quite the vascular supply, in other words, blood supply. He BETTER be a mutant, otherwise he's in for some real problems.
Oh, it gets worse... There are some typos loose in your works.
My hand flew quickly and gently to the pink pony's mouth laying a finger upon it, giving a hushing with my voice; she fell silent and gave a slight tilt with her head. "Young Lady, I understand your excitement upon meeting new people but while I am honored by your excitement I must insist that you keep my present here subtle. Just think of me as a cool breeze on a summer day..." A small smile glazed my face, as did hers. I slightly moved my finger off her mouth only to have her move back to it.
Presence not present.
"That was the nicest 'sush' anybody has ever told me." She lightly blushed under my finger. "My name is Pinkie Pie, what's your?"
Hush or shush, your choice.
Yours works better than your there.
After a few minutes of wondering around the streets, I found the address from the paper, it was a small two story home like most of the houses in the town. It was difficult to find an address in most towns here in Equestria so the company would normally provide a ride straight to the customer. Yet I found that beginning by being dropped off by a pegasus drawn carriage put too much attention on me, so I normally take the trains or other forms of public transportation to keep wandering eyes off me. Still, that was harder done than said; you know being a tall two legged omnivorous creature. I checked my watch, I was 20 minutes early; I took a deep breath and lifted the door knocker tapping it twice. As soon as the door knocker tapped a second time I heard a stuff falling and crashing on the other side. I backed away from the door looking over myself one last time, sweeping away what appeared to be confetti off my sleeve.
I think losing beginning by in that sentence would sound better.
"Sorry, it's not in my nature to keep a lady waiting... Miss Roseluck?" I asked as I entered her home, ducking under the doorframe. As I walked in I noticed her eyes going over me, especially my hands. Then I felt more eyes looking over me, as I turned I noticed two pink coated ponies kind of huddling in the corner.
Kind of sounds weak, I think if you omitted that, the sentence would sound better.
“Then forgive my earlier intrusion, would you care for me to leave and return at a more appropriate hour?” I said giving a slight bow.
Early fits much better than earlier in the sentence. This is his first time meeting Roseluck after all.
"So wait, why did you call the 'Gentleman'? I mean I am honored, my lady, it truly is an honor, but why a human?"
Gentlemen, not Gentleman. She called the company Gentlemen. Blaze is A Gentleman. Rose didn't contact him directly.
"Wait, wasn't it weird or strange... I mean..." I quickly moved in front of her and cupped her cheeks with my hands; lifted her face up towards mine. Our lips connected; her lips were soft as rose petals (Now I know why they call her Roseluck). My tongue parted her lips and began to explorer her mouth. I don't really know what happened next, maybe I flipped the right switch in Rose's head, but her long wide tongue began to explorer my mouth, and hard. She was definitely a novice, but her enthusiasm made up for it. As I tried to pull our lips apart she moved in closer to me preventing our lips from separating, and it was getting somewhat difficult to breath. Thank god I fell back onto the ground; as I opened my eyes I looked up at Rose who was standing directly above me her eyes looking back into mine. Her eyes were slightly glazed over, as if she was drunk, and then my nose caught a musky sent in the air.
First you want explore, not explorer.
Second, scent not sent.
When we were finally out of sight she pushed me against the side of a building and shoved her tongue in my mouth again. I felt my pants getting tighter, and the smell of her nether regions was getting stronger. I felt her hooves begin to fidget with my pants, trying to get to my member. She pushed off my lips and tried to remove my pants with her mouth.
This is one of those paragraphs that might benefit from some 'pruning'.
"I'm sorry." Was the last thing I heard before Rose forced her lips upon mine again, pushing me into the shower and up against the wall. As she pulled away her tongue did not, it began to run down my body and over my shaft. My legs gave out, and I fell onto my ass. Rose turned placing her rear in front of me, "Please do something, anything please."
"Please do something, anything please." seems rather... tepid. She's hungry for Blaze to do something, anything to her. Express that desperation she is feeling.
I placed my hands on her thighs and raised my mouth to her waiting wet lips, the musky smell was so strong that I became even more turned on. My tongue began to swirl around her labia and clit, Rose began moaning and after a few seconds she started to grind her marehood against my face. I raised a hand up and then began to slide a finger into her warmth’s. My fingers parted her vertical lips and slid inside rather easily. Suddenly she shuddered and a warm gooey liquid started to pour over my face and chest. She collapsed onto the bathroom floor; she was breathing hard and mumbling the name Celestia over and over again.
Warmth not warmth's
She turned her head to me, and stared at me with a glazed look in her eyes. "Blaze... forgive me if I am to rough."
Too not to.
I know I am jumping into this party a bit late, but, some of the sentences just seem... too wordy. There are sentences that could be restructured and have the word count pared down.
With a rewrite this would be pretty great