*That same night*
Twilight and both princesses teleported to Canterlot castle’s main entrance. The three made their way to the throne room and started to talk.
“It’s getting late, let’s get some rest and we’ll figure all of this out tomorrow, first thing in the morning.” Princess Luna spoke, giving a big yawn.
“Agreed sister, we need our rest if we are to solve this…”
Princess Celestia was interrupted by a letter appearing in front of her. She opened the letter and saw it was for Twilight.
“Twilight, this letter is for you.”
Twilight grabbed the letter with her magic, and read it.
“It’s from Spike, he said he found Rarity, and that he’s going to stay with her in her time of need. The only thing that worries me, is that he won’t tell me where they are.”
“You must not worry Twilight, Spike is safe, and he has Rarity there to help him if he’s ever in danger. Besides, it will help Rarity with her situation if she’s around another baby dragon until we can find a cure.”
“You’re right princess, besides they’re both fire breathing dragons, they can easily take care of themselves. Hopefully the citizens won’t get scared and turn on them…”
*Back to Spike and Rarity*
“I think it’s time we get some rest Rarity, tomorrow is going to be a big day, for you, since you’ll be getting used to this body until we can turn you back into your usual self.”
“You’re right Spike.” Spike allowed Rarity to lay her head on his chest. She enjoyed the warmth coming off of it. Spike put an arm around her. He fell asleep not too long after along with Rarity. That night, he dreamt about spending time with Rarity.
*The next morning*
Spike woke up first. He noticed tears going down her cheeks. He gave her kiss on the cheek, causing her to wake up.
“What’s wrong Rarity?”
“What do you mean Spike?”
“I noticed some tears on your cheeks.”
“Oh…”
“What is it Rarity?”
“Well I had a nightmare, where Twilight and Princess Celestia couldn’t find a way to turn me back, and I became a reject of society. Everybody was mocking me, calling me names and even Sweetie Belle wouldn’t come near me. She was teased so much she hanged herself. My parents blamed me for everything, and disowned me. You wanted to stay with me, but Twilight forced you to move in with her in Canterlot. So I was literally alone, with no one who loved me, and no family. My business was destroyed and burnt down. I was all alone in the Everfree forest, known as a monster.” Rarity couldn’t hold her tears back as she was telling this to Spike. Spike also had some tears flowing, he hugged Rarity and whispered in her ear.
“I would never leave you in that situation, no matter what Twilight or anypony said.”
“It felt so real, that’s what scared me.”
"Don't worry Rarity, I'll always be here for you. I'm sure they will find a cure for you. There are tons and tons of spell books in the Canterlot library, at least one will have a cure."
"You're right Spike. I shouldn't worry, they must have a spell. Thanks Spike." Rarity said giving him a soft kiss on the lips. They both blushed due to her action. Spike changed the subject not wanting it to turn into an awkward moment.
“Well, it’s morning, we might as well get something to eat.”
“That sounds like a good idea. Where should we go?”
“Hold on there Rarity, ponies are not used to your new form yet, they might get scared. Let me go and get the food and I’ll bring it back.”
“No Spike, I’m coming with you, ponies will just have to get used to me.”
“Yes, but they might report that they found you to Princess Celestia and then they would bring you to the Canterlot Castle. Which if I remember clearly you wanted to avoid.” Spike said giving her a smirk.
“You have a point there Spike. Fine, but please don’t be too long. You know it is rude to make a lady wait.”
“Alright, don’t have fun without me!”
“Very funny Spike.”
*Back at the Canterlot Castle*
Twilight woke up to a gorgeous sun. As she got out of bed, she saw the note from last night from Spike. She started to worry about him and Rarity.
I really hope they’re alright. Spike has never had to take care of another dragon before, hopefully he’ll know what to do. At least most of the ponies know of him and won’t be scared of threatened when they see him, Rarity on the other hand… I must not think these thoughts, I need to think positively! They are safe, and that’s all that matters. I just hope we can find another reversal spell soon, I’m sure Rarity hates being stuck as a baby dragon. I don’t want to imagine having to tell her it’s permanent…
Twilight was interrupted by a knock at the door.
*Knock, knock.
“Twilight, may I come in?” Princess Luna asked.
“Come in.”
The door was surrounded by Luna’s signature blue aura as it opened. Luna walked up to Twilight.
“Good morning Twilight, how are you feeling today?”
“I’m alright, I’m worried about Spike and Rarity though. Hopefully we can find a reversal spell.”
“There is no need to worry Twilight, I’m sure we’ll be able to find one, we have over one thousand spell books in the library. There most definitely will be one with the answer we are looking for.”
“You’re right princess.”
“Come Twilight, breakfast is ready, we shall continue our discussion in the library with my sister.”
“Sounds good, I am feeling hungry.”
Princess Luna guided Twilight towards the dining hall.
“Hello Luna and Twilight, let us have some breakfast and we will get started on looking for the reverse spell.”
“Sounds good to me!”
The three enjoyed some oatmeal with fresh berries and milk. The three finished quickly wanting to get an early start on finding the spell and wanting to figure what went wrong that day. When they finished Princess Celestia guided them to the library and they started to search for a book. As they were going through, Twilight continued to search through Star Swirl the Bearded’s book in case she missed something. As she was going through the pages, something caught her attention.
“The reversal spell can only work if there isn’t any sort of magic obstruction in the area. To use it, make sure you clear the area of any magical barriers and distortions of any kind. Also, the spell will be permanent if it is not reversed within five days of the transformation.”
“Did you hear that princesses?”
“We did Twilight, so that means that the presence of the dragons prevented you from using that spell. That is interesting that the spell has such a big limitation.”
“Indeed sister.”
“Well this is great news! I’m going to write a letter to let Spike know.”
“Of course Twilight. Just write the letter and I will send it to Spike.”
“Alright.”
Dear Spike,
We found out why the reversal spell didn’t work. It turns out it doesn’t work out if there is a magical obstruction in the area. Considering the amount of dragons there, we came to the conclusion that, that is the reason it didn’t work out. Enough of that, I request that you and Rarity make your way here as soon as possible. If you wait more than five days, the spell will be permanent. Please hurry.
Your worried friend.
Twilight Sparkle
Twilight sealed the letter and passed it to Princess Celestia. Celestia sent the letter off with her magic to Spike.
*Back to Spike and Rarity*
“Hey Rarity, I got us some nice fresh berries for breakfast.”
“They look delectable Spike. I can’t wait to have some.”
As Spike put the bowl down, he could feel a letter in his throat. Spitting it out, he read it.
“Great news Rarity, Twilight found a cure. Bad news is, we have five days from the transformation otherwise it’s permanent. In other words, we have four days.”
“That’s great news!”
“It is! I think we should start making our way there tonight after the ponies go to sleep and we’ll sneak our way there, as not to alert the ponies.”
“Wouldn’t they know it’s me though Spike? After all they saw what happened to me at the assembly. They know about it.”
“Yes, but you never know if one of them would kidnap you and bring you back for a ransom. We wouldn’t want that now would we?”
“You do have a point Spike. Alright tonight, we make our way to Canterlot Castle.”
I'm really liking where this is going. The explanation is reasonable. I'm actually glad you made Rarity a baby dragon like Spike. A dragon of Rarity's age would not be much different from Spike considering there's about half a decade between them (although this means Spike won't be anywhere near Rarity's adult size once he reaches Rarity's age bar sudden growth spurt ).
If I have to give any criticism, is that there isn't much in the way of descriptive sentences between the dialogue. The dialogue is fine, don't bother adding anymore nor take away anything from it. But there's a noticeable lack of buildup for me with those descriptive breaks. I know what they say and can imagine them saying it (even baby dragon Rarity) but I do miss those little phrases that tell you that they turned their head or felt elation in the middle of the conversation to get a glimpse into their minds and desires.
For instance, from the prologue...
This was part of a much longer string of pure dialogue that could've been broken up with little descriptive garnish like:
The difference is noticeable and it adds some atmosphere to the conversation. I even spit the dialogue to let the reader know how willing Spike was to help Rarity. She notices this and tried to give him the impression that she didn't really know about his crush/love (there's a difference), even if she totally does, and that adds to the Sparity atmosphere this is supposed to have (that romance tag ain't just for show). Little things like this make the story come to life. What non-dialogue text you have is mostly action-oriented. That's needed but not always the best way to go since it can feel like they're narrating themselves, which for me sounds a bit unnatural. Take this exchange...
That last line could've been a smug, mental thought for Twilight instead of flat out spoken. Or it could be spoken but it needs that little description like 'said the smug unicorn, smiling at the successful implementation.' to make the dialogue more dynamic. I'm glad this exchange had some of it but could still be expanded to...
It gave light to the Spike-Twilight relationship dynamics. It gave Spike the will-do-anything-as-long-as-Rarity-is-involved characteristic and the smug, almost Chessmaster characteristic a well read character that Twilight often has.
As I said, I LIKE the story's skeleton, intention and events. I can fill in the blanks of their actions but doing so yourself get's your intentions across to the reader without the ambiguity, even if it is obvious.
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Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it!
Now a little explanation on why I don't write in this style:
When I read a story and I see this, where most sentences have a little something at the end, it kills the mood for me. It's like the person is trying too hard to show that emotion going on. I prefer the subtle root myself. When I see that, I tend not to read the description after, I just read the dialog and skip the extra. But that's just me. I like to keep it short and sweet if I decide to do that, as you've seen in this story. To be honest I initially thought of taking some of it out, but decided not to.
Anyway that's my reasoning, hope it was a good explanation.
Again I'm glad you're enjoying the story.
I LOVE THIS CHAPTER AND CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE!!!
Just one thing I noticed
Shouldn't it be hung herself
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When you use hung, it's meant to be used like "I hung my coat." Hanged is the act of someone killing themselves.
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Also... you'll just have to wait for the next chapter Wahahahahahaha!
2876413 My problem is that there was no mood or tension to begin with. I read fast too but I can't read their body language because there isn't any indication for me to refer to. It's more like they do stuff but it seems a bit stilted without the little breaks.
As someone who prefers to speak with as few words as possible without loss in accuracy, I find the non-verbal language to be more honest and telling than spoken words (you can deny infatuation but it's harder to suppress a blush). I have no problems with how the story is progressing at all (I am really anxious to how this will end) but I can't fully immerse myself into the world since I read rapid fast and I look for both dialogue (to know what's going on and you've covered that very well) AND subtle body language cues that are not replicable by spoken words alone.
I will skip flowery prose about how the morning is beautiful but will focus when I see that Rarity smiled at Spike's comment. It makes me stop trying to rush through as fast as I can process and slow down to think about how this subtle action might indicate later actions. If anything, I have to slow down my reading and fill in each missing subtle body language within the dialogue in here. I understand what's going on, just missing the how each character is taking reacting to things in a non-verbal way.
Not every piece of dialogue needs one but every so often, I need to know what the character is doing when they speak. How they say it is as important as what they say that's all. Maybe I'm just used to reading 3,000+ word chapters heck even 10,000+ ones but even then, I still pick 2-5 keywords from long winded paragraphs to better simulate the story in my mind. I don't read every single word of the line after the dialogue but there has to be something. I'm not a mind reader. At the very least, inner thoughts as the action unfolds every now and then.
2876766 Rarity whining type voice: Buuut Patriiick.
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NO!
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Well, I can compromise, next chapter I will put more and see what other people think. I do have a story with more description that I think you will enjoy. I really recommend you read it.
Here's the story.
Haha, I've finally got some free time on my hands so now I think it's high time to read some of your stories!
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That's one of the problems with that chapter, I didn't really review it when it came out. So it was good, but needs work. If you're looking for my best work, that would be "The Dragon War". That's my golden story in my opinion.
And it makes me happy you chose to read my story!
Is it shameful I want Rarity to stay as a dragoness?
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No it isn't. I think that would be awesome if she became one in some alternate universe to be honest.
It's.... Mehhhh....