Memories of the Past: Part 1
He loosely held the axe in his hand, blood still dripping from the blade onto the ground as each boot took a step. With a heavy breath he made his way to where his new traveling companions were waiting for him. Blood dripped from his nose. That kick to the face really hurt, but he wasn’t concerned about that now. The only thing on his mind was brutally slaughtering Gavun for what he did. Now he had no real reason to continue on his quest, but the want for revenge was strong. So strong that after he had it, he could die right then knowing justice had been served. It was all he had now, his family was gone, his home was in ruin, and his people enslaved. All he had left was his health and emotion. Those were the only fuel he had to keep going.
“Celendros are you alright?!” he heard in the distance, that voice coming up to him from straight ahead. It was Twilight. The last thing he wanted to see right now. She and her friends came galloping towards him, but he just continued to stare ahead on his path.
He did nothing but grumble in reply.
“Celendros? Are you okay? What happened?” Twilight tried again, she caught up to follow behind him. She was worried, and it was obvious. Something happened but it was unclear to her what it was.
“I knew it! I knew I should’ve stayed behind to help. I would’ve took him down no swea- ah!” Rainbow Dash began her usual boasting but was cut off by the bloody axe swiftly swung down to the ground right next to her. She quickly backpedaled a few steps in shock of what Celendros just did.
He stared daggers at her, the smallest thing could set him off so he shut her up. “I’ll give you all two options, leave me be or keep quiet.” he dryly but threateningly said after he pulled the axe out of the dirt.
They all decided to keep quiet and follow behind him.
“I’m thinkin’ we just need to give em’ a little time.” Applejack whispered to everyone, out of earshot for Cel of course.
That was it for him, his family was all he had left. Gavun took that away while he hid behind his throne like a coward. Cel would not have been as mad if Gavun at least had the balls to do it himself. So he walked. The shaman didn’t care where we went. He just walked.
For a full two hours they headed south, in complete silence. Though it was slightly awkward for everyone, Celendros took this time to think and calm down. Anger wasn’t going to get him anywhere and would only get him killed.
He sighed heavily and stopped to turn to his companions. “I’m sorry for the way I was acting. I wasn’t in my right mind. Especially you Rainbow Dash, you can get a swing back at me if you’d like.” Celendros said to them, kneeling down to get to eye level.
“We forgive you, but what happened back there?” Twilight asked, she knew something was really wrong. He’d been fairly nice to her in the past week or so. For him to just explode like that? Yes, something was definitely wrong.
“He... ugh how do I put this...” Celendros weakly said, he didn’t want to say anything they weren’t ready for... but they needed to face the truth and understand what they were up against. “He had my sister and nephew assassinated or captured for torture. I don’t know exactly which one but either is equally as bad.”
“I... don’t know what to say...” Twilight said after she backpedaled and pulled her ears down on her head.
“I didn’t expect you to...”
Days later.
Darkness, only darkness. Celendros didn’t know where he was, or how he got there. Though his apparent consciousness remained, he could not move. Before he tried anything, he heard voices. It quickly became bright and where he was was clear. In the study hall back at Yolhelm Citadel. It was here Cel trained under the tutelage of Kaiden Feldar, former headmaster of the Grand Circle of Shamans.
It was exactly how he remembered it. It was a library built in the architecture of the Helren Dwarves. The citadel was built in the side of a mountain thousands of years ago before the war of the three human tribes broke out. It was a safe haven for those who remained neutral, a place of refuge from all the death and conquest. Though during the time of Celendros’s apprenticeship, it was the current home of the northern shamans.
“Ultimately they will become empty, mindless spectres... stripped of will and soul, only their thirst for freedom gives them hunger for vengeance...”
“But... I don’t understand. If they are getting pushed into a corner... why do they fight back?”
“A corner is just an excuse to fight harder.”
“I see...”
The sound of a deep chuckle echoed through the hall. “My dear Celendros, your naivety clouds your understanding of what is happening. Which is why you are still merely an apprentice. In time you will understand.”
“If you would just explain it to me, I would.” the younger Celendros responded. He appeared to be in his teens. Perhaps sixteen or seventeen. Before the beard and long hair, when he was still just trying to make his hair presentable.
“Experience is the true teacher of wisdom. With study comes knowledge, with knowledge comes curiosity, with curiosity comes experience, with experience comes wisdom.” his mentor explained to his pupil.
With this the young shaman sighed, and Celendros’s vision faded to black once more. A few moments pass and slowly the sounds of a cheering quote creep their way into his field of vision. The shaman felt something shove him down to the ground. Through the blackness it revealed where he was... The sudden shackle around his feet, the muffled sounds of a guard yelling at him, and the sounds of slaves asking him to get back up. Yes, this was Zeddeck, the coliseum in the sky.
He slowly got back to his feet to find he was in nothing but his trousers and was in a long line of shackled slaves. They all slowly made their way to the gate, which lead outside to the arena. It was surrounded in elevated seats that made sure to keep its patrons at a distance for safety.
In the middle lay a hole, any who fell faced a one thousand foot fall into the ocean below. It was often used as a quick way to finish a battle, or for executions. The only who have survived such a fall were either the luckiest being in the world, or had help from powerful magic.
The slaves, including Cel, were unbound from their shackles once they entered the arena. Loud drums were playing and each man was given a weapon. Things like swords, staves, or even a dagger. When the guard offered him a weapon, he shook his head and smirked. “No need for one.” The shaman had just recently finished his training, and thought he could take on the world. He had the elements at his side, nothing was more powerful than that.
After they received their weapons and instructions, they all went to their own corners in pairs of two. Cel was grouped with a young man, maybe in his early twenties. He looked scared out of his mind, legs shaking, weapon trembling, he’d clearly never held a sword before.
“Listen and listen carefully, I can get us through this if you jus-” the shaman tried to explain to his partner but was quickly cut off by the horns that blasted, signaling for the free-for-all to begin.
Cel rubbed his ears for a moment, those horns were right above him. After he recovered he motioned for his partner to stay where he was. After which, the shaman went to work. Six men versus one shaman and each other. That’s never ended well in the past, it’s unlikely it would now.
Celendros dashed forward, using the air to glide his feet along the stone ground below him. He came to a halt in front of the group and raised his arm. A block of stone rose up and launched him into the air, he spun around and his hand was engulfed in fire. From it, a large fireball formed and flew directly into the ground in the middle of the group of men fighting.
The shaman used the air to lighten his landing and directly on top of one of the fallen men. He took a chunk of the stone from the ground, and smashed it into the face of the man below him. The stone broke and his opponent’s face was a complete wreck. One down.
Cel turned around after hearing the yell of an oncoming attacker, he backflipped in the air and clapped his hands together. From them a blast of thunder sounded from them and a bolt of lightning struck the slave below him, frying him completely. Four left.
One of the teams charged at Celendros directly from in front of him. Weapons raised and hope in their eyes. The shaman stomped on the ground and a stone spike impaled the first one, he spun around for show and sent a quick puff of flame to light the other on fire.
Two remained and looked to each other with worry. They knew they wouldn’t win, so they questioned just throwing themselves down the hole.
Cel didn’t give them much of a choice. He raised his hand and a large stone wall rose in front of the two, with a flick of the wrist, the wall bolted forward and pushed the two down the hole.
Though, what he wasn’t expecting was a gust of wind sending him hurtling toward the hole itself. The shaman managed to tumble in the air and grab the edge of the hole. He let out a quick yelp as he held on for dear life with one arm. Steeling himself, Celendros pulled his other arm up and brought himself back up to the surface.
The young shaman turned around after standing to see his “partner” hurling a large boulder of stone at him. “A rogue...” he muttered and leapt in the air with a puff of wind, over the hole and toward the hunk of rock. A loud crack sound blasted through the arena as his fist slammed through the boulder.
“Heretic!” the rogue shouted at Cel as he charged forward, sword expertly held at his side. It exploded into flame just before he slashed it at the younger Celendros. This rogue clearly used his anger to fuel him.
The shaman landed on the ground and ducked under the sword so he could grab the rogue by the torso. He took the man down and proceeded to beat his face before receiving an electric shock to knock him off. It caused Cel to stumble but not fall, it just gave the little man time to recover.
Celendros was getting impatient, so he charged forward, fist raised high and ready to strike with the force of earth behind it.
But his opponent was ready. He charged as well and went down, spun on his knees, and slashed his sword diagonally across Cel’s chest. It cut deep, but he didn’t give the shaman enough time to react. He brought the power of earth behind himself and shoved Celendros down the hole.
His own blood leaked out of his body, leaving a stream of it in the air as the shaman fell. The sound of wind causing all sound to be inaudible. The pain in his body made him unable to move correctly, which made it impossible to call on the elements to save him. Cel underestimated his betrayer, and swore if he ever made it out of that predicament alive. He’d never trust a soul again.
As his motionless body tumbled to its doom to the ocean below, his consciousness began to fade. Though just before he hit his watery death, he awoke...
“Ah!” Cel yelped as he shot up from his sleeping spot. He’d been tossing and turning in his sleep, sweat covered his face. It took him a moment to realize it was just a dream, but it felt so real...
A lift of the shirt reassured him it was just a memory, the large scar across his chest and stomach confirmed it really happened many years ago. With a sigh of relief, he looked around to confirm his surroundings. It was almost time for Celestia to raise her sun over Equestria, so it was tough to see beyond the light of the fire in their camp.
They had reached San Palomino Desert, in search of one of the shards. While asking around Appleloosa they heard of a strange meteor crashing down in the desert to the west. So that’s where they went.
“Celendros, what’s wrong?” he heard behind him. With a quick turn of his head, it was clear that it was Rarity walking over to him.
“I... it was just a bad dream. Sorry if I woke you.” the shaman apologized, after which he wrapped the blanket around him what was keeping him warm when he slept. It was still cold outside, but beginning to warm up.
“Oh, but I was already awake. This dreadful weather is just... awful, the freezing cold and dirt make it impossible to get comfortable.” she complained. The elegant pony sat next to him, using her magic to wrap her own blanket around herself.
“My apologies then, but the first few times sleeping in the wilderness are always the worst, but you get used to it.” Cel replied. He looked to the darkness ahead of them, the memory still fresh in his mind. “... What do you think will happen if we fail? I’m not saying we will just... It’s a lot to take in.”
“Well... I’m not sure what will happen. Sometimes it may seem like it’s impossible, that you’re alone with whatever it is you’re up against... but it’s your friends who are there for you. They are there right beside you, willing to go Celestia knows where.” she warmingly said to him, it was fairly obvious he was stressed with what he was facing.
“You’re right... for years I’ve thought I had to do things alone. That I was the only one who could do it. I see now that I was a fool. Thank you.” Celendros sighed with some relief. “To tell you the truth... I’m terrified. My world is in my hands, and this one in your... hooves. But all of you at my side... makes it easier.” he did his best to crack a smile.
“I’m glad to hear that dear.” she gave him a quick hug and went to go wake her friends up.
The shaman decided it was time to get up, so he reached over to grab his robe. It smelled a bit, but it was all he had to wear. He made a mental note to wash it as soon as he could. Cel slipped it on and stood up, he left the hood down because it wasn’t needed at that time.
With a yawn and stretch he moved to reignite the campfire, with a quick zap of electricity to the wood, a spark was created and the fire was lit. This got the attention of everypony in the camp.
“Good morning Celly!” Pinkie Pie said with her usual happy tone, she bounced her way toward the fire and sat right down.
“Right, good morning everyone. I suggest eating what little we have, this is a desert after all so we’ll have to ration out our food. We’ve been past the easy part, now we’re on the hard part. We’re looking for some old ruins, presumably out west somewhere. So we’re heading in that direction” Cel explains to the group.
“But uh... we don’t have anything.” Rainbow Dash said while she searched around the camp for any food.
“What do you mean we don’t have anything?!” Twilight hurriedly said, joining her friend in looking around the camp. She turned over blankets, saddlebags, and anything else in the area.
Everypony looked to each other with a bit of worry on their faces. They soon turned to Celendros for what to do. They’d never had to travel like this before and never even thought of running out of food on a trip.
“I’d offer to hunt for everyone... but uh...” their human friend let out before trailing off. “Looks like we’re going to have to forage what we can after we get moving. I’m sure there are some cactus fruit around or something. I’m not entirely sure what your planet has in terms of natural foods.”
After they settled their food problem and just deciding to wing it, they packed up their things and continued to head west. When the sun came, it quickly became hotter and hotter as the day went on. Heat waves rose off the horizon within the next hour or two of traveling.
While they made their way through the desert Cel made sure to look out for any signs of water. It was the basic five, look for wildlife, dry streams or river beds, collections of rocks, plantlife, and cacti. Each of these were ways Celendros learned to gather water through his travels on Socobeck. This world was fairly similar, so he thought these rules would apply.
“Rainbow Dash, I need you to do something for me.” he said before kneeling down to eye level after signaling for the group to stop.
She trotted ahead of the group to Cel after comforting Fluttershy that things were going to be okay. “Yeah?”
“I need you to fly around and search for any dry river beds or dry streams. If you see anything, come back to me. I’ll know what to do.” he explained to her, making sure to emphasize the importance of this.
“I’m on it, I’ll be back in a bit!” she saluted him and immediately soared into the skies. The usual rainbow trail followed behind her as she flew in search of the things he told her to look for.
After a few minutes of waiting and being cooked in the hot sun. Celendros got up from where he was sitting and looked around. What he saw in the distance was a bit unsettling... “Uh girls... we have a problem.”
“What? What is it?” Twilight approached him and asked. She looked in the direction he was looking and went wide eyed.
“Does anyone have some form of fabric I could borrow?” Cel asked would holding his hand out for somepony to put something in it. He continued to stare at what was ahead of them.
Rarity levitated a scarf from one of her saddlebags and put it in his hand. She wasn’t quite sure what he was going to do with it, and worried about one of her favorite scarves.
Celendros took the scar and wrapped it around his mouth and nose, over the hood and resting on his shoulder. He sighed and looked at Twilight for a moment. “Twilight, if this somehow manages to get past me. I’m going to need you to cast some kind of spell to keep everyone protected. Can you do that for me?”
“I- I’ll try my best.” Twilight said, a bit worried about him. She knew he could handle himself, but she’d never seem him do anything even related to as powerful as a sandstorm before.
Rainbow returned shortly after Cel took the scarf, she was about to warn him about the sandstorm, but he held his hand up to stop her.
Cel sighed and began to walk toward what was ahead of him... a giant sandstorm that was headed directly for them. He was going to try to redirect it if not stop it. Though it would’ve been a huge help if he had the element of wind with him. But this was going to be extra hard because he’ll only be able to control the sand, not the air pushing it.
It had a deep rumbling noise constantly at its back, to Celendros it was beautiful in its own way. How so many tiny little rocks could create something so big and powerful with a gust of wind.
After a minute or so of walking, he reached a suitable distance from it and took his stance. With a tug of his scarf to make sure it was on tight, Cel rose his hands in the air and called upon the element of earth to assist him. He directed his hands toward the sandstorm and immediately it was like a stone wall was fighting against him to move forward.
It didn’t show any signs of slowing down, so he pushed harder. By now his muscles were beginning to burn against the tremendous force of the storm. When he looked up, he was slightly comforted in the fact that it was beginning to move a different direction... by about two degrees.
It was unsure if success was in sight, it had been a long time since Cel had to move an entire sandstorm. It was difficult enough when he was still an official shaman. But now this was as if asking a child to roll a boulder up a steep hill.
He struggled for a good three minutes before something happened, the storm froze in the air. Unmoving as if it was taunting Celendros... this meant something or someone was controlling it.
An entire moment passed until the storm crumbled and crashed all together. The shaman fell to the sand below him in exhaustion. With a huge gust of wind, the sand in the storm returned to the earth below to reveal who was controlling it in the distance...
That bastard who tried to kill Celendros in the arena. The same man who gave him that gaping wound on his chest that later formed into a scar. “You...” he weakly said. Before he could do anything, the sand enveloped him into the ground.
As if being pulled by unknown force, the rogue was using the sand to pull Cel toward himself. It felt strange like moving through a tube made of sandpaper. He tried to stop it but he was too weak.
After a few quick seconds of rough hell, the shaman was launched out of the ground about twenty feet in the air. When Cel landed, his face hit the sand pretty hard. So he couldn’t see much of anything, and began to cough endlessly.
With shake of the head, some of the sand cleared up before a foot kicked him in the face and caused his body to roll over to his back. “Unnnnh...” he moaned.
“Celendros!” he heard in the distance before the sound of a magical blast sounded, and that boot went tumbling back. “Are you okay?!” sounded in his ears. It sounded like Twilight.
“Twilight...” Cel managed to let out in his dizzy haze.
“It’s okay, we’re here for you.” Twilight said while keeping an eye out for the rogue shaman.
The dazed shaman managed to slowly get up, looking around to see his friends standing right by his side. Except for Fluttershy, she was there but hiding behind Twilight. He felt Rainbow Dash and Applejack helping him up through his daze. “Thank you... watch out!” he exclaimed before pushing the two ponies out of the way and sending his own hand out to absorb a blast of lightning directed at them as a group.
The rogue shaman lashed his arms out to send a torrent of flame their way, he’d gotten more powerful over time clearly. This was like a small wildfire coming from his arms alone.
“Everypony run! I’ll hold him off, keep heading west. I’ll catch up to you all!” Cel yelled while bringing up a wall of sand to block the fire. He was still dazed but at least he was able to concentrate once more on fighting. He knew Rarity was going to be angry by the time he was done, the scarf was all dirty and slightly torn now.
“Not this time! We’re here with you!” Twilight bravely said while standing right next to him. Everypony followed closely behind.
“Yeah, we’ll show em’ who's boss!” Applejack confidently said while staring down the rogue shaman who was recovering.
“I... fine. Just do what I say when I say it, alright?” Cel regretfully but sternly told them. He reached under his robe and took his newly acquired axe and held it in his usual fighting stance. “Rainbow Dash, I want you to be air support. If you see an opening, strike swift and hard. Applejack and Twilight, you’re with me directly. Don’t hold back, but don’t kill him. He’s mine....” he instructed, but on that last statement. It was clear that enough was enough. “Pinkie, Fluttershy, you’re ground support. If anyone gets hurt or you see an opening, take the shot.”
Everypony did what Cel told them to. Rainbow Dash flew up high, ready to strike. Twilight and Applejack followed closely behind. While Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rarity stayed behind incase somepony got hurt. Which was very likely.
Celendros charged forward with a yell and axe raised high, his friends following close behind. When he reached the rogue shaman, his opponent pulled out that same old sword he’s always had and they clashed weapons. Cel managed to twist and grab him by the neck, allowing Twilight to send a blast of magic at his chest. The shaman then pushed him forward to Applejack to allow her to buck him directly in the torso.
Cel raised his hand and signaled for Rainbow Dash to come down and hit.
Rainbow swooped down and picked up the rogue shaman, lifting him high into the air to try and let him go. But before she could do much, he brought his sword up and cut her down the side of her body, which caused blood to leak out. She yelled in pain before letting go and falling down.
“RAINBOW! That’s it you son of a bitch!” Celendros screamed out at his enemy. “Twilight catch her, you’re the closest!” he commanded before he held his axe back so he could charge it with electricity. It buzzed with power before he threw it directly at the falling rogue shaman. It hit its mark and exploded with a massive blast of electric power. Chunks of the man fell from the sky as well as blood.
Twilight just barely managed to catch Rainbow with her magic. She levitated her on to Applejack’s back and stopped to look at her unconscious friend for a moment. A single tear came to her eye before everypony else came rushing to her.
Cel quickly retrieved his axe and caught up with the group. When he saw Rainbow’s wound he winced a little. “O-okay, we need to get her someplace safe. We’ll set up camp nearby and if we can get her conscious again, she can tell us if she found any water. With that I might be able to get her in a more stable state.” he worriedly told them.
They all agreed and began to quickly go back to where they were, before they spotted the sandstorm. It was high on a dune of sand so the lay of the land was easy to see. The shaman did his best to keep up, but he was still a bit dazed from that beating he had taken.
Everypony scrambled to set up camp while Cel took care of Rainbow as best he could with the limited knowledge of first aid he had..
Celendros put an ear to her chest to see if she was still breathing. She was, but probably not for long. So he took some of the sand and put a whole bunch of it on the wound to help stop the bleeding.
He took his axe and put it in the fire they had just started, he waited until it was burning hot, but not glowing red, and took it to Rainbow’s body. He used it to cauterize the wound and keep it from getting infected. He was careful not to burn as much of the fur as he could.
Rainbow moaned in her unconsciousness, it was fairly obvious it hurt quite a bit.
“Uh Rarity...?” he asked out to the group, not exactly sure where she was at in the makeshift camp.
“Yes, what do you need?” the white and purple mare quickly responded, she looked like she’d just seen a ghost. This was a bit of a foreign thing for her, a friend has never been hurt this bad before.
“You may need a new scarf.” he told her, while he took the scarf and wrapped it around Rainbow’s torso to keep pressure on the wound.
“It doesn’t matter, just take care of her!” Rarity exclaimed while she tried to find a suitable blanket to put over Rainbow when Celendros was done.
“Okay okay! Just... ugh. It’s been years since i’ve done first aid!” he snapped back at her. While he tended as best he could to Rainbow. He got her to the point to where all they could do was wait until she regained consciousness.
“Is she... going to be okay?” Fluttershy quietly asked Cel while trying not to cry, but she let out little sniffs and whimpers.
“I don’t know, all I do know is that if we can’t get to any water... there may be complications.” Cel reluctantly said, even he looked nervous. He’d survived from a wound like this before, he had the scars to prove it. But the circumstances were different as well, like actually having the elements at his back to help heal him. “May the Great Mother guide us...”
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As I promised you yesterday.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
This review is based on the prologue.
Name of Story: Power Windows
Grammar score: 7 / 10
You have some difficulty with tenses
Are you American? :troll:
Be careful about the “its/it’s, than/then, you’re/your, etc…”
Apart from that, you can use more dot instead of comma to give rest to the reader without dampening your own writing. Aim for sentences around 15 words.
Pros
- This story has a lot of potential.
- You can create good and expressive description.
- the four truths.
Cons
- You show the same weakness as I do, you always try to overdo your story with descriptions, names and long sentences. That can be enhanced.
- The meeting between Celendros and Twilight, it’s really cliché. They don’t come from the same world!
- The king is a big bad evilious monstrous villain that would require more development in my opinion.
- You’re bringing too much thing in too short space. You are wasting good ideas that could turn into adventures and plots and thus enhance your story.
Notes Section
- Don’t switch of “subject” in one paragraph. In this one,
You speak about the shamans first, then, Celendros, and then mention the King as a “he” when he is the “object” of the verb in the penultimate sentence. Choose a subject per paragraph and then skip a line when you change. It will force you to develop and enhance your description and will push you to match description and first person writing, which is very difficult.
-
Here I finally understood that you were “telling a story” since the beginning of the prologue. Use italic and “” in that situation in order not to mess with reader’s mind. You switch between present tense and past tense quickly and without showing a clear line between those two parts, you’ll frea out any unaware reader.
- Don’t go for overly long and cryptic sentences like “It ravages views upon the world and keeps its wielder away from destiny’s grasp to forge a new, twisted strand of metaphorical thread.”.
- “They, the Shamans fought back once”. Get rid of “they”, go directly for shaman.
- You tend to repeat a lot the same words in a short paragraph especially with the word “room”. Try to avoid that.
- You tend to mention secondary characters, places and characters that may have no interest or relevance in your story at the moment. It is better to make an ellipse now about them to introduce their concept slowly thereafter instead of forcing everything down the readers’ throat right now.
- Instead of using the “meanwhile”, try to take profit of the [ hr ] html code of fimfiction.net
- You kinda throw away ideas that could enhance your plot and further development of your story like the world colliding, the power of the artefact, etc… Don’t do it. Keep it hidden and then you’ll have good plots for your chapters ^^.
Conclusion.
The story is promising, really promising. The only thing that I can advise you is not shooting a bullet in your own foot. Try not to waste your ideas and throw too many information in your story really fast. You’ll disturb the reader and lose good opportunities for your story.
₰ φ Ҩ ұ ϡ Ϫ ϡ ұ Ҩ φ ₰
Enjoy your review!
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Please help me out by looking at my story:
Beneath an Endless Dusk
It is an [ALTER. ‘VERSE], [DARK] and [ADVENTURE] story featuring a whole new universe set up one hundred and eleven years in the futur of the show. Equestria has been ravaged by an event following Twilight’s coronation and the remains and chunks of the world aren't happy and safe anymore.
Great story; very underrated.
3515124 Thanks a bunch bro, it means a lot.