How easy it was to take over:
Thousands of ponies entered and exited Canterlot every day. Many of these ponies were the rich, the influential ponies who held so much sway over the masses, hoping to add even more riches to their inflated wealth, despite the fierce competition of hundreds of nobles attempting to do the same. And there were many that were attempting to gain a new life from farming, aspiring to reach the status of nobility. Nobility went out seeking business and social gatherings everywhere in the white city of Canterlot. And with so many trying to strike it rich in the city, deaths and accidents quickly caught up.
You could step off the curb of the street and get hit by a Canterlot Taxi. At least two nobles a day would be killed in a crossing accident. At least one would find his or herself in front of the new railroad carts. Bits and pieces would be found for the next few days. Fires would take dozens of lives, and at least one would get shot. With all these deaths, one would assume something odd was going on and perhaps Canterlot was not safe. But the lure of power and money was too great for most ponies, and still the familiar sound of new hooves hit the pavement echoed through the city of Canterlot.
But something disturbing arose as more and more continued to come.
The Old Money, as they were favorably called by the regular citizens of Canterlot, were slowly being picked away. Those who had grown up within the old society of Equestria, and who had taken to the lessons of friendship to heart, were slowly being replaced by those who had grown up with the new capitalist system in their minds and souls. Even with the newly established secret service, sworn to protect all the citizens of Equestria, the murders and accidents continued. But no pony in Equestria could possibly conceive that these incidents had all been planned. Nopony had ever been born who was so sadistic and mad as to plot the deaths of the country's beloved nobility.
So one afternoon, when a young handsome surgeon, his horn glowing as he picked up his suitcase, stepped off the train and into a world full of steam, smoke, clamor, danger, and endless possibilities, he looked around the crowded platform, and watched with glee, the moving forms of mares and children. How their legs moved with simple grace, the muscle underneath pushing against the skin, and the blood coursing through their entire bodies. He licked his lips as sniffed the scent of smoke, sweat, and scent on the train platform. He began to walk away, the large coat masking his mismatched limbs from the general public, his face breaking into a twisted smile. He would enjoy his time here.
For it was easy to disappear, to fake emotion, and so very easy in the smoke, clamor, and din to mask that something sinister and deadly had taken root in the heart of the kingdom that worshiped kindness and friendship.
This was Canterlot, on the eve of the greatest event of Equestrian history.
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“Wake up Miss Twilight. We've arrived.”
Twilight grunted in acknowledgement as she slowly awoke, light assailing her eyes as she looked through the car window. The entrance to the Canterlot Palace laid plain in sight, opening as the car shuddered before stopping. She sat up, rubbing her eyes and yawning silently as the driver opened the door, chuckling softly. “Do you require aid, Miss Twilight?” She blushed softly, and offered her hoof. He gently lowered her down to the pavement and smiled brightly at her. His wings twitched softly as she smiled back.
“Thank you, sir. It was very kind of you to drive me to Canterlot all the way through all that traffic.” The driver shook his head as he closed her door.
“It really wasn't a problem. It was an honor on my part to drive you to the palace…I know you’ll make us proud Miss Twilight. You've always done Equestria well!” Twilight blushed a bit more, bowing her head.
“I’ll try not to disappoint. I apologize, but I must meet with the princess.”
“I understand. Be safe and good luck!” He climbed back into the taxi, and Twilight watched it chug away back into the busy streets of Canterlot before entering the castle. Two guards nodded at her appearance, and she nodded back, following the route towards the throne room of the two princesses’. She bit her lip nervously; the thoughts which had been driven back by sleep had come back to plague her mind.
“What if I’m not ready,” she sighed, endless amount of worrying thoughts crossing her mind as she approached the doorway, now in sight. She shook her head, and lifted her head. She had saved Equestria several times, and was one of the most powerful Unicorn in modern history, and had spent countless nights researching every topic she could possibly need for the job. She was ready! That mindset ran through her mind and empowered her confidence, so when the guards opened the door way for her, she stood proud and tall, an aura of extreme confidence exuding from her body.
Which was then crushed by the glares of a dozen Pegasi and Unicorns in the room.
“Twilight Sparkle,” one of them sniffed, his head held higher than what Twilight thought necessary.
“Enough,” Luna growled, cowing the old Unicorn. “She is here and you will all accept it.” The group grumbled, but didn't speak a word. Twilight looked away from the old Pegasi and Unicorns and smiled softly at Celestia, who had risen. A warm glow enveloped Twilight as she felt her teacher look upon her.
“I’m glad you could make it here so quickly, Twilight. We have much to plan.” Twilight walked up to her, nodding.
“I agree, we only have a month until the Grand Opening!”
“So we are questioning why you have introduced a new member so late,” the same Unicorn who had spoken up muttered darkly.
“Shut up Sullivan. No one cares if you were punted to adviser. She doesn't look as incompetent as you've made her out to be. She looks like she’ll add a flair that the fair needs.”
“My building was grand and new! Better than anything that amateur can design!”
“It was ugly and an atrocity,” he retorted, silencing Sullivan for a moment.
“Thank you, Burnham,” Celestia emphasis on her words guaranteed they were all quiet. “Now, you all know your places. The land has finished construction, and your buildings have already been designed. You will start construction today.”
“You will have all the resources you need. Report anything you require to a guardsman, and you will have it as quickly as we can procure it. Now everypony besides Olmstead. Get out,” Luna ordered. They trotted out, each one discussing their plans excitedly except Sullivan, who looked back with snort before the gates slammed in his face.
“What’s his problem,” Twilight wondered aloud, causing all three of them to sigh.
“Scraper Sullivan. He’s the architect who designed all the Cloudscrapers in Manehattan, Baltimare, and New Pegasus. We invited him here, but…he doesn't have the look we are looking for. We demoted him for you Twilight, and he hasn't been happy about it.” Celestia sat back down. Tapping her hoof against her throne, her tired face showing how much stress she had been going through recently. She even looked more tired than Luna, who was staying up far later than usual.
“Princess,” Olmstead asked, shifting his eyes between the two of them.
“Olmstead, if you would be so kind to show Twilight what you've done? We've already cleared a space for the building she sent in but we want her to see what you've done. And who knows, maybe she could improve on it.” Olmstead snorted in good humor and nodded.
“I’ll do it. Though I’d have to doubt that she could improve upon my designs for they are near flawless, as I have assured you time and time again.”
“Pride will lead you to dark places, Olmstead. Remember that,” Luna cautioned before turning to Twilight. “Please follow Mr. Olmstead. He’ll be your guide for the grounds. Work hard,” Luna ordered, waving the two away.
“And have fun,” Celestia said warmly, smiling brightly at the two of them.
“We will. Thank you Princesses,” Twilight replied as the two walked away, escorted by several guardsmen. Twilight looked over, getting a better look at Olmstead now that she wasn't distracted by the two ruling bodies of Equestria. He was clearly an old Unicorn, with a dusty brown mane with streaks of gray streaming through his cropped mane, and thick bags under his eyes. A nice pressed gray suit covered his body, as was common in Canterlot nowadays. But even with age haunting him, he still exuded an experienced aura about him. He clearly knew what he was doing.
“So, Mr. Olmstead, what do you do?”
“Me? Why Twilight, as a scholar I’m surprised you've not heard of me.”
“A little pretentious, don’t you think,” Twilight quipped, before covering her mouth with a bright blush. “Oh, I’m so sorry! I’m just used to being around the snobs of Canterlot…Not that I’m implying you are one! Because that would be-“Olmstead laughed, placing a hoof on her shoulder, stopping the walk for moment until Twilight had calmed down enough to breathe properly.
“It’s alright, I understand. I don’t like to consider myself as part of the nobility, but I've designed many things that you've probably seen before. The Canterlot Gardens, new parts of Cloudsdale, Left Park in Manehattan, and the list goes on.” Twilight blinked rapidly, her eyes wide.
“You designed all of those things? But…I thought you were an architect?”
“A landscape architect, Twilight Sparkle. I design the land to make it as lovely to the pony eye as can be. And I dare say I've been quite successful in that endeavor. But this…this is my masterpiece. I hope that this project will be the one I’m remembered for once Celestia takes me.” They had already walked from the palace, with Olmstead having guided them to the very edge of Canterlot. Twilight looked around, and even looked down, but saw nothing.
“Mr. Olmstead?”
“Wrong way, Twilight,” He chuckled, pointing up. Twilight shifted her eyesight up, her mouth wide open. What she thought was a huge cloud cover was actually the grounds of the most magnificent fair ever to be designed by the pony race. Streams of Rainbows arched off the edge of the cloud landscape that hung right above her. It could have almost been mistaken for Cloudsdale, but there was something thick about the clouds. Something that perfectly represented the new and improved feelings of the new age in Equestria, like the clouds themselves believed that they were better than any other cloud. And it wasn't just the clouds themselves. Instead of the familiar look of cloud buildings on top, they sagged as workers finished construction of wooden and steel buildings, and even more ponies streaming over a bridge that connected the mysterious land to Canterlot.
“Mr. Olmstead…What is this?”
“The impossible, Twilight Sparkle. There was nowhere in Equestria that could have held what we needed to impress the Gryphon King. So I've created a place. I've named it…The Magic City. And that is the place we will hold the first Equestrian Trade Exposition.”
Hey, just saw you put this up in one of the Authors Helping Authors folders! Always glad to give some feedback. And just as a side note, the description looks promising already. I'm already imagining a dystopian vibe~
Also, let it be known that I should have been working on a research paper... but your description enticed me to read. I blame you for my lack of productivity!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Surgeon in the Magic City
Grammar: 7.5/10
Most of the grammar issues are cosmetic, like dialogue issues, or being consistent with your spacing and indentations for new paragraphs.
There are a few other issues, like the end of the prologue,
"For it was easy to disappear, to fake emotion, and so very easy in the clamor and smoke, and din to mask that something sinister and deadly had taken root in the heart of the kingdom that worshiped kindness and friendship."
I'd consider rearranging it so that it flows better, also fixing it up so it reads clamor, smoke, and din.
Also, really watch out for typos. There's quite a few capitalization and punctuation problems, but not enough to significantly distract the reader.
Pros
1. I always like the idea of the subtle changes in a world, like Equestria being taken over by capitalism. I'm sure Karl Marx is giving you a thumbs up from the grave right now! It's a good opportunity to make ideals clash~
2. Twilight is well characterized, showing that this change in values and opportunities only made her worrying problems worse. Keep going that direction!
3. You've left enough open ends to keep the reader wondering when things are going to start taking a turn for the worse.
Cons
1. Grammar and typos. While not a huge problem, it can be quite distracting when there's a missing word. Example: "“Twilight Sparkle.” One of the sniffed,". Don't want to start thinking about an imaginary race called the sniffed!
2. The flow can be a bit funky, namely in the prologue. There's a lot of stuff in the second paragraph, for instance. I feel that breaking it down into a few smaller sections would help the reader understand the world's situation a bit better.
3. Paragraph breaks. This is a minor one, mostly linked to the above. Try to keep the direction focused in each paragraph, and start a new one if there are a lot of things happening!
Notes Section:
It's mostly sentence structure and grammar issues that keep this story from really blooming. In terms of world building and setting, this has loads of potential! You do well with character interactions, too. Just make sure to proofread and review. Once you get that down, the story will flow really smoothly~
Oh, and if you need something to help with dialogue, this little clip helped me out! Dialogue punctuation rules!
2087142
I want to apologize for distracting you with my summary, but with review you've given me, it's really hard! I'd like to thank you kindly for the pointers you've given me and for the encouragement. You being the first person to comment only heightens my happiness! I'll be sure to work on my grammar and thanks for the link!
2087301
No worries! I didn't want to work on this paper anyways
But yeah, it's a solid premise. Flow and punctuation/grammar come with time as long as you keep a sharp eye. One thing I always do is go through and read everything out loud.
Now back to the wonderful world of research papers.
A review from Authors Helping Authors!
Name of the story: The Surgeon in The Magic City
Grammar rating: 6
The most prevalent errors were incorrect use of punctuation when dealing with dialogue. Consider the following four cases:
"That was lovely." answered Twilight. (INCORRECT)
"That was lovely." Answered Twilight. (INCORRECT)
"That was lovely," answered Twilight. (CORRECT)
"That was lovely." The purple unicorn nodded her head politely and left. (CORRECT)
In the first example, a full stop is used in place of a comma, despite the fact that this sentence should flow. In the fourth example, a full stop is used, but the next sentence describes Twilight's actions AFTER speaking. In many cases, I noticed that you were doing the same as the second case, which not only has a full stop but also has a capital letter, probably because your word processor is doing this automatically. This is only necessary in situations like case four.
Another mistake that I noticed was how you kept describing the actions of one pony in the same paragraph of another character's dialogue. If you're writing a conversation between two characters, you should really have the 'reactions' in the same paragraph as their own dialogue. I'll make up an example:
Celestia rose from her seat. "Are you sure about this?" Twilight nodded.
"I'm absolutely certain."
In this case, Celestia asks a question, but Twilight's physical response is in the same paragraph. Ideally, her reaction should be with her own dialogue.
There was an instance of a comma in place of a semicolon, an incorrect use of the word princess' instead of princesses, and a speech mark that was round the wrong way. (try ending a cut-off sentence with '...' before adding the speech mark. Then, delete the '...' and press ctrl+alt+hyphen. This will give you the desired effect for someone's speech being cut off) Also remember to correctly place commas when dealing with names and titles, as shown in the case below:
"I am extremely thankful Twilight." (INCORRECT)
"I am extremely thankful, Twilight." (CORRECT)
Either an editor or a brush-up on grammar (I think there's something on the Equestria Daily FAQ that might help) would be most welcome.
Pros:
- Your synopsis is interesting, enough to make me want to know where this is headed.
- The prologue sets the scene well, giving a narrative approach that differs from your first chapter. You dealt with topics like death and crime, but made out that they weren't noteworthy aspects of Canterlot, much in line with the ponies who inhabit it. (At least, as far as your story is concerned)
- You've placed the reader directly into the fray, the story almost completely set to go within the first chapter. Even for an 'epic' (as this appears to be) there was no messing around.
Cons:
- Grammatical errors and typos, as mentioned earlier.
- I can't help but wonder if this 'surgeon' from the prologue could do with a little more exposition. If you want readers to be wondering what his role in all this is, you'd do well to give them something more memorable and mysterious. As it stands, his existence could be forgotten pretty easily.
- It'd be nice if we could have a little more visual description. You did well to describe the new cloud city, but as for the rest of it, I felt that a little too much was left to the imagination. Then again, this is just my opinion.
Overall:
Your main issue is your grammar use. Your story is well presented and doesn't have the vibe of predictability, but my enjoyment was hampered by noticing grammatical errors and inconsistencies throughout. If you can get that sorted, you're onto a potential winner.
Now that I've given yours a thumbs up and a favourite, I would be happy if you could give me your opinions on my own fic, Legacy: The End of Harmony. Don't have time to read all of it? Just up to 'Chapter 3 - Confessions and Dragons' would be great.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Surgeon in the Magic City
Grammar score out of 10: 9 (I didn't really notice any errors in particular, but I wasn't really focusing on it either)
Pros (list three pros)
Steampunk setting make me moist.
The way you represent Canterlot reminds me of what Victorian London is portrayed as, which is awesome!
Alternate Universe tag is generally a good thing in my opinion.
Cons (list three cons)
The Prologue and the first part of Chapter One are kind of stilted in structure when it comes to description and dialogue. The conversations early on don't feel very organic.
In the first chapter when Twilight is meeting up with the Princesses and the nobles, it wasn't always entirely clear who was talking at one given moment.
Notes Section (how you can improve your fic)
Since you have only written and uploaded two chapters, there's not many overarching things that I can point out for you to improve. Just make sure that you have a good proofreader and editor, and try going back and revising your first two chapters by making the atmosphere and descriptions more specific in relation to the surroundings rather, than the general ideas we're given from your initial writing about Canterlot or Magic City.
Final Score: 8 out of 10, with a potential to be even better.
Hiya! Not from any group I just saw this on the main page and it looked intriguing. Couple of points I can't resist mentioning but I'll do my best to make sure it's clear
I really like the concept of the world you've built, where it's very industrial revolution and has a feel of tun of the century. You bring it across really nicely and I can picture the characters really easily. The scene with Twilight and the architects is really nicely done and they all feel like unique voices. i'm really impressed by that since it can be hard to bring across OCs without much detail but you handle it skillfully.
The biggest issue I have so far is the first chapter. It doesn't feel strong enough to stand by itself and I think it would be better to be reduced and put as the preface to the second chapter. It's very ambiguous and only focuses on a character to the end of the chapter and doesn't tell us much of anything about him that it almost feelings boring. I hesitated before clicking the next button because I felt like I wasn't sure I was interested or not since I had learned nothing about the story or it's characters and only a bit about it's setting and overall premise.
I didn't feel drawn in I suppose is my problem. If the scene with Twilight is introduced in the first chapter then it gives me more notice. because then you immediately have a character I know and can attach a face an feelings to.
I'm still going to keep an eye on this please don't think I'm trying to say it's bad because it's not. It's a really appealing and interesting concept and I'm eager to see more. I just feel the first chapter is the weakest. Since your first chapter is going to be most readers first impression you really need to draw them in and for me that didn't happen.
Hope I'm not too opinionated for you.
2088888
Oh not at all! I enjoy it when reviewers like all those lovely reviews from the Authors help Authors group tell me what you felt was off. Anyone can just write, It's great, but I feel only those that really enjoy the story will critique it. I've had another tell me that the character I introduced in the first chapter was a little...short on details and reading over it now, I understand how he can be boring. Not enough detail! But, I feel off about not making the prologue it's own chapter. It may just be my own taste, but I like it where it is. I really do appreciate the review, and I will be sure to correct the ambiguous details about the Surgeon. Thanks for you opinionated review!
This review brought to you by: Authors Helping Authors.
Story Name: The Surgeon in the Magic City.
Grammar Score: 6 out of 10.
Pros:
-- Very interesting premise!
-- Good word choice, I especially enjoyed the use of "haunting" in this first chapter.
-- Good set-up, I can tell you're building towards something big.
Cons:
-- Grammar, grammar, grammar. A lot of improvement could be made here, which I'll elaborate on down in the notes section.
-- The Prologue didn't really work for me; we the audience were just sort of informed of an evil presence: "But no pony in Equestria could possible conceive the notion that these were all planned. No pony ever born has ever been so sadistic and mad to plan the deaths of the country's beloved nobility." That segment could have been handled a lot better, in my opinion.
-- The dialogue sounds kind of stilted.
Notes:
You have a really good premise here. Equestria under an industrial revolution is sure to provide some great steampunk action, and the addition of a serial killer is a very unique story thread; do I detect a hint of inspiration from H. H. Holmes?
However, your story is dogged by grammar issues. I hate to mindlessly repeat advice that's been given already, but a big problem is how you handle quotations. If a character is speaking and you are going to follow the quotation with he said or she said, you end the sentence inside the quotation with a comma. Even if the sentence inside the quotation would normally be a grammatically complete sentence with a natural period, you still need to do this.
Also, random words seemed to be capitalized quite arbitrarily; "Unicorns" is sometimes capitalized and sometimes not, and "Impossible" being capitalized in the final paragraph unfortunately subverts your closing image. Generally, you want only to capitalize proper nouns. I've seen some authors here capitalize "Unicorns" and "Pegasi," and it works in my opinion, but if you're going to do that you need to be consistent; switching back and forth between capitalizing the word "Unicorn" and leaving it plain simply confuses the reader.
And that closes my review! Thanks for reviewing my story, and I was glad to review yours in return! I hope my critique didn't offend you; I really want to see you improve as a writer, and I think this story has a lot of potential.
God, I hate myself. I get a little cold for a few days, sleep a few nights, and BAM! It's been almost two months since I promised to read this over for you. Why, brain? WHY?! I just can't wait until dementia kicks in.
Anyway... on to Arrival!
This is grammatically incorrect, as the sentence switches from present tense to past tense. The part, "She sat up, rubbing her eyes" is fine, and so is "as the driver opened the door, chuckling softly" right after that, but "and yawned silently" is not. It should be "and yawning silently".
That comma, I believe, should be a semicolon. If you want it to stay as a comma, just add "as" right after the comma.
The words "she", "one", "the", and "he" are not Proper Nouns, meaning they shouldn't be capitalized after dialogue.
The "t" in "tapping" should be capitalized, and "has" should be "had".
And that's it for Arrival!