Chapter 1
It was that time of year again in Ponyville, Apple Cider Season. Ponies would line up for a taste of the freshest, most delicious apple cider from Sweet Apple Acres. Everypony was excited to buy a mug, all but one cyan, rainbow maned pegasus mare. She hovered in the air with her forelegs crossed, grumbling loud enough for others to hear her, “Stupid cider season, I never get a mug.”
A green mare with blonde mane and tail poked her the agitated mare, “What do you mean, you never get a mug?”
The pegasus turned to the mare with a mean look on her face, “I've been going to this stupid cider season for ten years and not once, NOT ONCE have I gotten a single drop of cider.”
The green mare went wide eyed, “I only had one and I had to get a friend to get it for me and when I got it, it was warm.”
The pegasus spat on the ground, “At least you got a mug, I'll take a mug even if it's two days old.” The line slowly moved forward and the sun was setting and the pegasus was only two customers away from getting a mug of cider. Then it was one customer and the pegasus was getting excited, 'Today... today will be the day I finally get my cider.' She paid her two bits and walked up to the counter with her tongue hanging out, 'Yes... yes... yes... '
The sounds of a rackety old pipe changed the the expression on the pegasus face to horror and then to pure rage when an orange mare the blonde mane and tail said the words that the pegasus hated the most, “That's it everypony, all out of cider today. Come back tomorrow now ya'hear.” With that the pegasus let out a loud, piercing scream that made everypony cover their ears.
When the screaming was over, the orange mare looked up and spoke, “Rainbow Dash, wut in tarnation is your problem?”
Rainbow got up in the mare's face, “What's my problem, WHAT'S MY PROBLEM APPLEJACK!” Rainbow flew up so everypony can see her and yelled at the top of her lungs, “I've been coming to this stupid cider season for ten years now and I haven't even gotten one mug of the stuff.” Ponies gasped and Rainbow continued on, “And when I do come up and pay my bits... THEY RUN OUT!”
She threw her forelegs in the air, “How many of you have at least had one mug of cider from here?” Practically everypony raised a foreleg and Applejack was shocked to see this. Rainbow flew back down and got in Applejacks face again, “Do you know... how many mugs I paid for and haven't gotten a single drop?” Applejack shook her head and Rainbow poked her with each word, “I... paid... for... fifty... seven... mugs... of... cider,” the last poke sent Applejack to the ground. Rainbow turned and yelled again, “YOU HEAR THAT, I PAID FOR FIFTY-SEVEN MUGS OF CIDER AND ON TOP OF THAT... I NEVER GOT A REFUND FOR ANY OF THEM BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET ANY!”
Ponies were complaining about the same problem that happened to them over the years. Rainbow was then being pulled down in a purple aura with a purple unicorn mare causing the magic, “Rainbow what's gotten into you?”
She turned her head to the mare, “Butt out Twilight, this doesn't concern you and the other's... except... ” Just then, a pink mare came bouncing by with twenty or so empty mugs. Rainbow broke free from the aura and dashed over to the pink mare, making her fall down, dropping all the mugs on the ground and Rainbow thrust a hoof in the mare's face, “YOU PINKIE PIE ARE THE WORST,” Pinkie's lower lip started to quiver, “YOU ALWAYS BUY A HEAP LOAD OF CIDER AND YOU NEVER SHARE WITH ANYPONEY, YOU JUST GULP IT ALL DOWN AND ACT LIKE IT'S NO BIG DEAL AT ALL!”
Pinkie started to cry and Applejack got in Rainbow's face, “Now hold on pardner, that's no way to talk to a friend.”
Rainbow shoved Applejack, “What friend, she isn't my friend anymore,” she shoved Applejack again, “You seem to have enough for Twilight, PINKIE, Fluttershy and Rarity but when it comes to me, I GET NONE!” Rainbow's left eye started to twitch as her head was starting to fill with bad thoughts, “I knew it.”
Twilight slowly walked up to Rainbow, “RD, are you okay?”
There was a sudden snap in Rainbow's head, “I knew it... you're all in on this,” she pointed to her so called friends, “your all trying to make sure I don't get any cider. You were all in on this plan.”
She started to fly away when she was brought back down to earth with a lasso tossed by Applejack, “Sugarcube, there is no plan or plot or conspiracy against you. It's all just in your head.”
Pinkie came over with a mug in her hoof, “Here RD, you can have this mug if you want.” Rainbow smacked the mug out of Pinkie's hoof and glared at her, “It's too late now you stupid bitch. I'm not your friend or AJ's or Twilights or Fluttershy's or Rarity's. And as for the Element of Loyalty... you can have it back.”
Twilight gasped, “But we need you... ”
She was cut off when Rainbow pushed her to the ground, “Screw you, your elements, your friendship and even the Princess.” Everypony gasped as Rainbow went on, “That's right, I said it and you know what... it felt good.” She zoomed to where the cider was dispensed and destroyed it with one powerful buck, “There's my goodbye present you losers.” She flew off into the sunset with all the ponies wondering what's going to happen now.
In the Canterlot Castle, Princess Celestia was tending to her duties when all of a sudden, she felt a pain in her chest. 'The Elements', she thought as she teleported to where the said jewels were kept. She opened the box and gasped at the sight she saw. The element of Loyalty was starting to crack.
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This is pretty good so far! I'm interested to see where it goes.
You do have a few grammatical errors, but nothing major that actually affects your meaning or the readability.
1953525
Thank you and please check out my other story if you want.
aaaaaaaaand there go my high expectations
i'll read it anyway
1953944
What, should I remove that?
actually that was pretty funny
i hope it was supposed to be comically dark though
because it's missing the comedy tag
and i dread the oc's appearance
1953951
"and who is this mysterious (XYZ)" is not only an annoyingly rhetorical question, but also one of the staples of bad oc fanfic summaries
1953955
This isn't meant to be a comedy and the oc won't be that bad... I hope.
Love it
1953977
Thank You
1953975
the element of loyalty telling her friends to fuck off over cider is unrealistic
it would be fine if this was black comedy or something
but it's just too over the top to work seriously
also ocs are either awesome or awful, there's no such thing as 'not too bad'
When next chapter
1953992
Soon
Ok
1953984
I try to do the best I can. I think of this stuff by myself and it takes hours before I actually write anything.
1954008
so get a proofreader
there's tons of people offering
1954013
It's not that, it's the fact that I know it's a good story. I know this stuff isn't perfect but nothing ever is. Just like my other story, I know it isn't perfect but it's good.
1954034
yeah...
...
...
my stories are shit dude
that's why i use a proofreader
several actually
and thus people give me hundreds of comments
because my proofreaders give me advice and correct my mistakes
thus making my stories unshitty
anybody who just assumes their writing is good is either the next fucking hemmingway or delusional
1954053
I know my writing is shit. I had to redo 19 chapters from my original story and had some people proofread them. Their not bad, but not perfect. Me being delusional is saying that my work is worthy of book material... and I know that's bull shit.
1954078
look dude i'm not trying to be a douchebag here
but if you want to write really g
woah shit the zipper on my hoody just broke
anyway if you approach writing with the oh you know what
i don't care
i'll just enjoy this as a comedy regardless of how you write it
and see where it goes
Wow, already at the hundred mark. You guys must really like this. I will be posting a new chapter tomorrow.
This looks good. You have my follow. And RD is completely in her right. Pinkie buys 20 mugs at the same time and RD has never had some. I'm not certain Twilight had some (did she get a mug in the ep?) but I'm certain the others have had a mug (or 10)
While Rainbow Dash is taking this WAY too far, she's right that it isn't fair that Pinkie Pie hogs so much cider when there's always a limited amount. If I were Applejack, I would limit to two mugs a pony or one mug limit if the line is ridiculously long.