• Member Since 13th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 30th, 2020

Mr Overlord666


T

After years of not getting any apple cider, Rainbow Dash has had it. She goes off the deep end and quits being friends with the girls. How will this affect life in Equestria and who is this mysterious stranger who befriends Rainbow? What are their intentions with Rainbow? (This is based on a dream I had one night after watching the 'Squeazy 6000' episode. It is a somewhat, what if story on what would have happened if the Flim Flam brothers never showed up. Please read, review and help if there are any grammer problems.)

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 66 )

This is pretty good so far! I'm interested to see where it goes.

You do have a few grammatical errors, but nothing major that actually affects your meaning or the readability.

1953525
Thank you and please check out my other story if you want.

and who is this mysterious stranger who befriends Rainbow?

aaaaaaaaand there go my high expectations
i'll read it anyway

1953944
What, should I remove that?

actually that was pretty funny
i hope it was supposed to be comically dark though
because it's missing the comedy tag

and i dread the oc's appearance

1953951

"and who is this mysterious (XYZ)" is not only an annoyingly rhetorical question, but also one of the staples of bad oc fanfic summaries

1953955
This isn't meant to be a comedy and the oc won't be that bad... I hope.

1953975

the element of loyalty telling her friends to fuck off over cider is unrealistic
it would be fine if this was black comedy or something
but it's just too over the top to work seriously

also ocs are either awesome or awful, there's no such thing as 'not too bad'

1953984
I try to do the best I can. I think of this stuff by myself and it takes hours before I actually write anything.

1954008

so get a proofreader
there's tons of people offering

1954013
It's not that, it's the fact that I know it's a good story. I know this stuff isn't perfect but nothing ever is. Just like my other story, I know it isn't perfect but it's good.

1954034

yeah...
...
...
my stories are shit dude
that's why i use a proofreader
several actually
and thus people give me hundreds of comments
because my proofreaders give me advice and correct my mistakes
thus making my stories unshitty

anybody who just assumes their writing is good is either the next fucking hemmingway or delusional

1954053
I know my writing is shit. I had to redo 19 chapters from my original story and had some people proofread them. Their not bad, but not perfect. Me being delusional is saying that my work is worthy of book material... and I know that's bull shit.

1954078

It's not that, it's the fact that I know it's a good story. I know this stuff isn't perfect but nothing ever is. Just like my other story, I know it isn't perfect but it's good.]

I know my writing is shit.

:rainbowderp:

look dude i'm not trying to be a douchebag here
but if you want to write really g

woah shit the zipper on my hoody just broke

anyway if you approach writing with the oh you know what
i don't care
i'll just enjoy this as a comedy regardless of how you write it
and see where it goes

Wow, already at the hundred mark. You guys must really like this. I will be posting a new chapter tomorrow.

This looks good. You have my follow. And RD is completely in her right. Pinkie buys 20 mugs at the same time and RD has never had some. I'm not certain Twilight had some (did she get a mug in the ep?) but I'm certain the others have had a mug (or 10)

I like this story so far. This episode and the Mysterious Mare Do Well made me feel sorry for Rainbow Dash. This story and Dashed Trust byNightmareDash allows Dash to express her frustration with her friends. These two clips describe what I wish that Rainbow Dash would had said to Pinkie Pie in the episode.

For best results, play the first video and then start the second video when it reaches ten seconds.

1964220
Thank you for liking my story... not easy to come up with this stuff and as for the videos, they work perfectly together. Good Job :rainbowlaugh:

This is good so far, I really enjoy the story's where a certain character flips out or goes insane.

Looking forward to the next chapter!

1968725
I try not to disappoint anyone :raritywink:

Will post chapter 3 tomorrow folks :twilightsmile:

1985020
You'll really love the next one then :3

1994048
True... but I've seen people do much worse for less. Like a sibling beating you up for $10 cause they haven't had a cig in 2 days... ridiculous. As I said, all this came in a dream one night. I may have gone a little overboard with the anger but a lot of people like this.

:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:MOAR PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

Gonna put up the next chapter tomorrow, so be prepared everyone.

When will the next part be out:applejackunsure:

2019701
Hopefully next week but I don't know. Starting to get sick again :pinkiesick:

Oh ok I hope you fell better so:pinkiehappy:

I truly wanted to see Dash to bash Pinkie's face in that episode.

2019808
Me too... might get to read that next chapter >.>

2019845 Wow. This thing is pretty good! Your writing skills have grown exponentially!

2063878 I wrote this while I was on hiatus with my original story. Still need help with that one.

(Please bare with the newest chapter. More will be explained in the next one)

Sorry I spelled stuff wrong I ment to say is wow I like it:scootangel:

2136191 Oh, I thought for a moment I did something wrong. :twilightblush:

“Ooo, ooo, ooo, I can do that too. It’s called my “Pinkie Sense”.”

Period is needed inside the quotation after Sense, no quotation needed after that: "Pinkie Sense."

“How can you explain her “Pinkie Sense”,”

Same thing there too.

“What could’ve done this Twi?”

Commas are needed when addressing someone/somepony by their name or nickname. Nicknames are pronouns, but things like dude or girl are not. Capitalize pronouns but not the other things. Not sure if you did that in here, but just for future notice.

“All these book say “EGGHEAD” Spike and I know that none of them even have that word in it.”

Technically speaking, Egghead does not need to be cap locked all the way, and it looks like a great place for bold. You need a comma after Egghead.

“Wh... wh... was it a d... d... dr... dragon?”

Stuttering usually needs - instead of ...

“They’re all yours sugarcube.”

This is a confusing one, as AJ uses Sugarcube to address many people. I'd call it a pronoun, but adding a comma in front of it and capitalizing are completely up to you on that.

“let us deal with her.

Start of new dialogue area. It needs let to be capitalized.

I do like the story, but I feel like it's not really Rainbow Dash, her personality seems different in this than it does in the show. But who am I to judge on that, she turns from a coward into a super pegasus in a matter of seconds in all her episodes.

Well I hat my iPad right now:twilightangry2:

Login or register to comment