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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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That one part about luna arguing with herself loving clare escaladed way to fast, and it came out of nowhere.
Anyways nice chapter/story
Okay... I can't go on. There are so many things wrong with this that I can't list them without going on for ten pages and sounding even more like an asshole (which I'm not trying to, honest ). Let's just leave it as the combat scene was horrible. Former US Army here, and I can tell you that none of the dialogue, actions, or characters reactions were correct in any sense. Another thing, getting shot hurts, especially when in the torso. You don't just walk those off like nothing happened. That kind of injury will make you walk around hunched over no matter how tough you are (if to the front/back) or would likely put you down on the ground, incapacitated from a major injury (if from the side).
Dialogue grammar is wrong. Nothing to unique there, since everyone seems to have a lot of trouble with it. A few of the rules: Every time a new individual is speaking, you start a new paragraph. Never end with a period unless it is the end of the sentence, always end with a comma, exclamation point or question mark (or the "!?" mark, which I never learned the name of). Always identify who is speaking, unless it is two people going back and forth (identify the speaker if someone speaks out of turn in that case).
As a note for future reference, NEVER EVER (cannot emphasize this enough) tell the audience to "pretend" something. That is your job as the writer. You are supposed to show us how the ponies are shooting guns.
Overall, you have the ability to write a good story, and I like this story's plotline, but there are too many errors for me to enjoy reading it and there is way too much telling going on rather than showing. The grammar/spelling are good for the most part. A few items that were wrong (ex: L.T. is written as LT, pronounced "El-Tee", which is never to be used unless space is at a premium [like in the middle of combat or a newspaper article] or used as relaxed slang, otherwise you use the full "Lieutenant") but you taking shortcuts that only hurt your piece. You are rushing WAY TOO fast through things. A six-month time jump with obviously important character development happening is weak writing, and jarring to the reader. Do a little more research when you are using actual people/places/things, and try talking to anyone who has been on the battlefield when dealing with a war story. Ask them how people react, what they say, how officers react/talk, what they see and hear, etc. Fix these errors and you could have a great story, but right now I can't even finish reading what you've written so far. Down vote.
Hmm, been thinking about it, I could imagine guns altered for use by ponies, though the recoil would still be a bitch...
Clare kind of reminds me of Heero Yuy
dude no affens but am apaled you make Zebras into gurilla warroers and got the shadow gards SUCK jezis crist i thought ponys can at least fight a littel
2295632 nope, and I pray you purposefully wrote this incorrectly.
Love the predator reference.
2295632 dude wtf are you fucking 8 learn to spell you retard.